Your Pelvic Floor is Your Friend
Last night Chris and I went to our first childbirth class. And then I announced that I would not be giving birth. Ever. It was pretty horrible. Actually, really horrible. So horrible that last night I dreamed of placentas attacking me.
We got to the class on time, signed in, took our little Helpful Hints Folder, and took our seats. Front row. Front and center. Where we couldn’t miss any of the action. See how eager I was? How hopeful? How willing to learn? Anyway, we are sitting front and center when our instructor began her little talk. Our instructor was a self-proclaimed feminist who was all of five feet tall and had silverish gray hair that was longer than a Baptist sermon. I’m convinced if you shook her down, you would find no less than three handrolled joints on her person. Immediately, Chris’ red flag went up and he gave me this look like, “I can’t believe I’m here…” That look stayed plastered on his face for the next two hours. Except when he was practicing Keigel exercises. He had a different look then. But I digress…
Dr. Hippie took the first hour of the class to go over the basic food groups, asking questions like “What is a vegetable?” She followed up this hour by giving us a sheet of paper with five colors on it: red, green, orange, yellow, purple. We had to list all the vegetables and fruit we knew that were those colors.
In case you are wondering, no, this was not a health-ed class for middle school students. This was a classroom full of working professionals, mostly couples, who were expecting their first child. And apparently this makes us a room full of idiots who can’t distinguish a root vegetable from Swiss Cake Roll. Hence the handout.
We took a break after the hour-long vegetable seminar. A much needed break. But no amount of resting could have prepared me for the second half of the class.
We come back in from our break to find Dr. Hippie standing in the front of the room with more diagrams of the female anatomy than anyone should ever see in a lifetime. And front and center was a pelvic skeleton. If you’ll recall, also front and center were me and Chris. It was just the two of us against a giant pelvic skeleton. If Chris hadn’t been in a Benedryl induced haze, I think he would have walked out. And then divorced me. But through his haze, he could only laugh. Hard. Which got me laughing. Here we were – front and center with a pelvic skeleton trying so hard to keep it together.
And that’s when the poop hit the fan.
Dr. Hippie holds up the pelvic skeleton and says loudly, “Your pelvic floor is your friend, ladies! Embrace your pelvic floor!” Well, that did it. I couldn’t have kept it together if my own mother had been sitting next to me, pinching my arm like in church. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even look up. Unaware (due to her “herbal rememdies” no doubt), Dr. Hippie continues.
She holds the pelvic skeleton out in front of her at arms length, as if the skeleton was standing in front of her. And then she takes her car keys in the other hand and holds them above the pelvic bones. “Use gravity during your pregnancy ladies. Use the gravity,” and with that she drops her enormous key ring through the pelvis. The keys come flying through the pelvic floor and splatter on the ground. All I could picture was the Bean shooting out of me like those keys. Just dropping to the floor, and suddenly my pelvic floor didn’t feel so friendly.
What happened next I can only describe in bits and pieces because I’m pretty sure I was in and out of consciousness in self-defense. Dr. Hippie then flips the pelvic skeleton upside down and holds it over her head. There was a lot of commotion and the next thing I knew, she was poking her head through the pelvis where she smiled this God-awful smile from inside and then either said, “I’m your baby!” or “I hate Katie!” I can’t be sure which. I couldn’t be bothered with understanding speech because a grown woman – a doctor, no less – was shoving her head through a pelvis.
And that’s when the room went dark and when I came to I was mumbling something about preferring to stay pregnant for the rest of my life.
All in all, it was probably the most traumatic experience of my life. And Chris, God love him, was such a trooper. Other than a few raised eyebrows, he sat through the entire class like a champ. And when we got home last night and I was insisting that I would get our money back and we wouldn’t go to the next class, he just kind of sighed and said, “I think its something we just gotta do.”
CURSE THE RESPONSIBLE RATIONAL!
I guess we’ll be going back. We only have one other class to take and its an all-day session one Saturday. I think I can live through that. As long as there is no more mention of my pelvic floor. And there is no pelvic skeleton to be found. And as long as Dr. Hippie stays on her side of the room.
I think I’ll be fine…
15 Comments
Jenn
A full Saturday of that?! Good Luck – and bring snacks!
Alyssa
Too funny! I’m glad Hippie isn’t YOUR doctor!
mendi mccormick
OMG…and this is the reason we didn’t take a single class! 🙂 I would have died!
Heather
That’s too funny!
Sarah
I take it you won’t be sitting in the front anymore? Maybe if you bring girl scout cookies it will go better, haha. I mean at least the boxes fit into those colors you have to eat 🙂 And I’m liking the idea for that shirt someone else mentioned—“Anything you say could be used on my very popular blog!.”
Camille
Thanks. I will now officially never have children.
Godfather
Why exactly is it that Chris felt the need to practice Keigeling? We are going to have a serious Man Talk next time I see him…
Heather
Meh, I hate the childbirth classes I took. They didn’t prepare me a TOOT. My recommend (which you can feel free to completely IGNORE and I won’t mind, honet but I wish I’d have been able to watch it when I was preggers that first time and maybe I’d not be a ‘two Csections’ woman… but I digress…. Argh, hope that didn’t sound horrid!! I am just saying I wish I had been better informed is all and not all set up for a ‘whats convenient for the hospital’ birth…) what was I saying… Oh! My recommend is to watch “The Business of Being Born” and read read read about the birth process and think and PLAN what Birth you want before you go… You’ll be much more likely to have a better Birth that way. ;o)
Warmest Smiles
Heather
Whitney
Great. My first class is Thursday night. I’m thinking of skipping now, thanks to you. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Ignorance is bliss?
alex
that is just stinkin’ funny. thanks for a good laugh & for making my boss think i’m crazy for laughing at my computer!
Meghan
Huge ditto on everything Heather said. Every pregnant woman should see BoBB. Also, a great book on preparing for birth is “Birthing from Within” – I think you might especially benefit from the sections about working through your birthing
Emily
Oh my – all I can say right now is YIKES!!!! Oh, and best of luck with the second class.
Chloe
LOL Good luck!
And thanks!:) Now I’ve taken a decision: I’ll NEVER have a baby!
My imaginary scene of Dr. Hippie poking her head through that pelvic skeleton is enough!
Elizabeth_K
Our childbirth class was CRAZY. The woman had given birth, naturally, to SEVEN children, and when one woman DARED to ask if we could have ANY information about an epidural, she looked so angry and said, “That drug gets into your new baby’s BLOOD.” Which, you know, is absolutely not true. She also said FEAR was, wait for it: False Evidence Appearing Real. I am not lying. Why do they send so many of us scared pregnant women to these crazy classes — I promise, when it is all over, you’ll be really glad you didn’t stay pregnant forever … 🙂
Liz, JM, and Leo
What a shame! I’m sorry your class stinks so much! I second the previous poster’s ideas to read some books… I read a seriously hippy 😉 book “Ina May’s Guide to Natural Childbirth” and it basically changed the whole way I looked at birth. Worth a look perhaps at Barnes and Noble if you’re interested in learning more about the process from a midwife’s perspective. What was with the vegetable lesson? That sounds crazy and totally not germane to the topic of giving birth. Weird. I say skip the Saturday class and spend your time reading up on the process from better resources than it sounds like you’re getting… I have to say I disagree (respectfully) with Chris – it’s really not something you just gotta do.