Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
When we moved into our house last June, we met our really nice neighbors, Neighbor Jeff and Wife With No Name. At one point, Wife With No Name introduced herself, but at the time we were knee deep in packing peanuts and my brain was only retaining information such as which light switch turned on the ceiling fans and so her name completely escaped me.
But we know Neighbor Jeff. Oh yes. We know Neighbor Jeff all too well.
Neighbor Jeff is Chris’ nemesis. The bane of his suburban existence. He is the constant competitor. And he doesn’t even know it. Last year, Chris envied Neighbor Jeff’s yard (read all about his unhealthy obsession here). Chris would stare longingly out our kitchen window at Neighbor Jeff’s beautiful luscious grass. Then he would stand on our back deck and pump his fists in the air and yell, “WHY DOES MY GRASS NOT GROW? WHY?????”
Personally, I blame these two yahoos.
They pee. They poop. They root around. They destroy Chris yard. It has no hope.
But this year, Chris has put so much time and energy into the yard that the grass looks spectacular – despite the dogs. I was hoping this would mean Chris would give poor Neighbor Jeff a break. But no such luck.
I came downstairs the other morning to find these disturbing images in my kitchen:
“Chris,” I say gently, bringing him out of his haze. “What are you doing, sweetie?”
“Lookin’ at Jeff’s backyard,” he said. I could hear the defeat in his voice.
“Why? What’s going on in Jeff’s backyard?” I ask.
Chris sighs. “He’s adding on to his deck,” he says. “I don’t want to talk about it.” And then he went out into the Man Cave to drown his sorrows in Man Cave things.
For months, Chris and I have been re-envisioning our backyard. We want to expand our deck, build a fire pit, put in a BBQ area for our grill, and add some flower boxes. But all of this costs money. And we are saving for a baby and, unfortunately for Chris, a deck comes second to, say, diapers and daycare. So, the deck expansion has been put on hold in our house.
But not at Neighbor Jeff’s house.
Neighbor Jeff is expanding his deck to twice the size. And this has been almost too much for Chris to handle. He now paces back and forth in front of the kitchen window, staring longingly at the piles of lumber in Neighbor Jeff’s backyard.
Poor Chris. I feel for him. I really do.
And I worry for Neighbor Jeff. Who is blissfully unaware that next door Chris is pressed up against the window, drooling and mumbling and rocking back and forth.
Suburban envy strikes again.
14 Comments
Haley
Come on Chris, you need to be a little more covert than that. Neighbor Jeff might start worrying about you staring at him and his “lumber.”
Sorry, that was lame. If you makes you all feel better, I envy your house and the fact that you have a yard at all (sigh).
Katie, good luck!!
Mindee@oufrontdoor
Tell Chris to find a neighbor with a sucky yard and start comparing himself to that guy. He’ll feel much better.
Personally though I love the lawn competition. It means my yard looks good.
Liz
Hahaha! This is great! We just moved into our house and have no sod or fences in the back yet AND the front yard is infested with dandelions! Dave has yard envy of everyone around!!! Men are so cute sometimes. 😀
Lori
We have this issue at our house too. Aaron wants to expand the patio, build a firepit and reconstruct the landscaping–which includes resodding. We definitely don’t have the cash to do all of that right now. Our Neighbor Stone has the most beautifully perfect lawn. I think it makes Aaron cry a little inside…
Alyssa
I almost hid under my desk when I read the title of this post. I was terrified of Mr. Rogers as a child. My mom has home videos of me sitting in front of the TV, and when the song asks “won’t you be my neighbor”, I would scream “Noo!!”
Nelia
This is just hysterical. Thank goodness we live in a loft.
Camille
That’s funny—I wish Kyle would care! Then we might actually get something done around the place. We’re hooligans.
Mandy
We are kind of secluded from the neighbors’ yards, so comparing isn’t our problem. He just wants the world record for most amazing yard. And I really want to feel sorry for you, but my hubby is a horticulturist working at a wholesale plant nursery. That should say it all. We have more plants than I can count waiting to go in the ground, and he came in all excited the other day because the seeds he planted are germinating. He is such a plant geek.
Kathie
I’m a newbie to your site…(brought over by PW) and I must say that you have me cracking up with each new post! You are a very gifted writer, right down to the details… deck envy… HA!! Love it!
I have to say that I had to look twice at your picture, as I have seen my guy do the same thing Chris is doing! Looking, staring, longing, wishing! Sad creatures, they are sometimes.
Hilary
Chris, man, I know how you feel. Our townhouse has a tiny little side yard but I was desperate to grow nice, lush grass last year. No luck. So then I almost killed myself planting about 30 tulip bulbs and while they came in, they fell over from the weight of the flowers. But I’m a glutton for disappointment so I will also plant impatiens and they, too, will inevitably wither and die. Ugh.
Kelly
We have “deck envy”, which is why in two weeks our little 10 foot deck will grow to about 16 feet. I had to convince someone that we should hire a professional to build it since ya know, he’s never actually built anything before.
Emily C
LMAO!!! You guys are just too funny!!
Jes the Bes
That’s one big deck!
Oh deck envy. My husband suffers from tool/gadget envy. He neeeeeeds every power tool especially if it has lots of get up and go.
BTW I love the paint color of the room chris is in. What is it?
Laura
Poor Chris! Well at least you guys will have an AWESOME beaner and more kid toys then you know what to do with… This looks an awful lot like Tim the Tool Man Taylor!
Thanks for the awesome encouragement! Gooner is here and WOW! I didn’t know it would feel like this…