I Don’t Wanna
Turns out that being married AND having a baby is pretty hard. I mean, I’m sure there are things that are harder – like NOT being married and having a baby. But I’m just saying. Being married with a baby is no piece of cake. Its no walk in the park. Its no day at the beach.
In fact, sometimes it just plain sucks.
Before we had the Bean, whenever Chris and I would go through rough patches we used all of our extra energy to pull ourselves through it. Extra time was spent together. Extra money was spent on date night. Extra attention was paid to each other. Extra, extra, extra. And it didn’t take long with all that extra effort for us to get things back on track. But with a baby, there’s just nothing extra left at the end of the day. We know what it takes to make everything better, but we just don’t wanna.
Its not like we are fighting all the time or are walking around miserable. Absolutely not. We’re happy and we’re loving the time we’re spending together as a family. But all that in between “extra” time that we might have? We spend that sitting on the couch, side by side, staring at the television. Or sleeping. Or doing dishes. Or doing laundry. And after all of those responsibilities are taken care of the last thing either of us want to do is formulate words into sentences and carry on a conversation. That just takes so much effort. So instead, we stare mindlessly at the television or the computer or the dogs or the baby sleeping. Anything where we don’t have to think. We know we should ask about each other’s day. We know that we should put each other first. But we just don’t wanna.
I think we’re gonna have to start making more of an effort though because we’re both getting pretty frustrated. I have a short temper and Chris doesn’t want to put up with me. I can see it in small little exchanges. Like this morning at 3:30 AM when I asked Chris to do the feeding instead of me since I had taken allergy medication and was pretty groggy. He laid there for just a minute too long before he got up and so I threw back the covers and snipped, “Thanks for your help. I guess I’ll do it myself.” And then while I was downstairs getting the bottle, Chris met me at the top of the stairs and snapped back, “Just go to bed, Katie.” Zing!
Or this past weekend when Chris asked if I would mind if he worked out in the Man Cave all day and I said no. And then I sat on the couch, watching crappy television and taking care of the baby and getting madder and madder by the second. Finally, when Chris came inside a hour or so later for a drink, I made some kind of cranky remark like, “So, I guess I’ll take care of the baby all day on Saturdays, too.” And then Chris made some kind of cranky remark like, “I knew you would pitch a fit.” Zing!
I’m too tired to be nice and Chris is too tired to have any patience with me. So, we just keep zinging each other. Its very proactive.
I’m still fairly sure that this is normal behavior for new parents of a two month old, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to get through. I miss Chris. Isn’t that funny? I miss him and he hasn’t even gone anywhere. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s pretty sad. I mean, how much energy does it REALLY take to be nice to someone?
In fact, I have to go. As I write this, the baby is sleeping and Chris is listening to music in the basement. I think I’ll go ask him how his day was.
Then again, the basement is two flights of stairs away. Maybe I’ll just talk to him tomorrow.
Did you see what just happened there? Aw, crap.
16 Comments
Earthtone
As long as you guys understand this is NORMAL, you’ll pull through..hang in there ok? Chris and Katie. For us, it wasn’t till baby was one before it got better. Now with my second, I haven’t looked hubby in the eye for a long while now. we know this is normal for us and it will pass..so enduring it.
I disagreed with you past post that marriage will still take centre stage. It will not. The baby demands all out of both of you..
Enjoy the ride. 😉
Deb
Well it’s great that you are even noticing this pattern. I bet it has more to do w/lack of sleep than anything else. When my husband was working nights and getting 5 hrs of sleep, he became Mr. Grouch and his personality TOTALLY changed. He would snap at me and I got tired of that so I would snap back (not to mention he stopped doing his house chores completely b/c he was too tired – irritating!). Once he got a new job and got his normal sleep back, we were fine. Can you take a 1/2 hr nap when Chris gets home? Power naps work amazingly.
Lauren
I remember the “zings” all too well. All I can say is to hang in there and it will get better. When Bean starts rolling over and you two are cheering him on, or when your husband plans a romantic night out, down to setting up the babysitter (grandma) in advance, these little “zings” will be a distant memory.
LOVE your blog. It’s like you and your husband have gone inside our heads and are re-telling our exact moments/thoughts from when our son was first born (16 months ago)…
Sue V.
You two (three) are wonderful. The zings are just the frustration of the day to day. It took until our second child for me to realize how to find our time. The moment my husband would come home I would hand the baby off to him, and go hide for 15 minutes. I would take a deep breath, and do something just for me (paint my nails, take a walk, lay on the bed and thank God I had someone to hand the baby to.) Fifteen minutes later I would return to my husband and focus on him. We would be able to talk because I had released some of the stress from the day.
It does get better as baby grows and doesn’t sap every last bit of energy. It gets even better when baby is able to make their own bed, and empty the dishwasher!
Hilary
Haven’t posted in a while but wanted to offer some encouragement! As many have said, this is totally normal. The truth is your relationship has been redefined, plain and simple. You are parents now and in fact, that does come first. BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t a couple any more, you just have a new priority, that adorable little bean. I think if you stop pressuring yourselves to be the old “Katie and Chris” you’ll find that the new ones are just as good, they just need to adjust to their new surroundings. The best thing for my husband and I was taking advantage of the grandparents as babysitters at every chance (funny thing was I started to get the feeling they were just waiting to be “taken advantage of” when we’d call and before even saying hello, they would shout, “We’re coming NOW!” Grandbabies are human crack). Even if you find yourselves zinging each other a lot more, try to acknowledge it, apologize (if you can muster the energy) and then move on. And just keep doing the best you can – no one’s perfect!
Heather
Thanks for being so real. It’s so encouraging to read the little tiffs in another’s relationship and have the assurance that you are “normal.” So many of us want to keep our perfect images intact, and by doing so we definitely aren’t doing others’ any favors. It takes courage to be so real, and I commend you!
Laura
Oh my! If this doesn’t sound like me and my hubby I don’t know what does! We have a two month old also and it is just like that here too. Like you said, we aren’t at each others throats, we just dig at each other a little bit.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
We aren’t “zinging” as much as you guys are, but Aaron and I pretty much spend any free time we have together sans baby watching TV, on the computer or sleeping. There are times however when I want to spend quality time with Hubs and he is too busy playing video games to hang out with me–THEN I get pissy. And when he wants to hang out with me I just want to watch crappy TV or sleep–I have been back at work for 6 weeks and haven’t been sleeping well for the last 3 weeks.
There is just so much adjusting! I am tired of adjusting!
Heather
We had been married 11yrs before we had our first child (we have two, 6yr old son and 4yr old daughter) and we went through very much the same thing. The good news is that the kids get older and you start to have time to be People again, not just Parents. You feel like it’ll NEVER happen, but sometime around the time you Potty Train your 2nd, you start to notice the spans of time between the “Mommy!!??” requests getting longer and longer and you have more time. It’ll come. You’re in such an INTENSE period of life, no one prepared me for how Intense it was going to be. A good time too though, magical in retrospect. You’re making a family together, how magical is that? You’ll get through it together and you’re marriage will be a better one for it.
Warmest Smiles
Heather
Laura
I pray daily and put Q first. Husband before baby and the zings are less. I feed Gooner right before Q gets home so that I can meet him at the door and ask him about his day while Gooner is happy and content.
Janet
Check out the big brain on Laura (8/5 @3:46PM)! She’s got it RIGHT!
Know that it’s normal, but also know you can control ALL of this before it gets out of control. Zing him less and he will zing you less. Someone has to be the bigger person (and it’s the one with the ovaries!)
Take it from someone (just one of many here) that knows…
As tough as these days are, these are the BEST days of your life! Before you know it – there will be another Bean and before you know it again, you’ll be 25 years older and wondering where all the time went. The zingers will be the LAST thing you remember down the road. Cherish every moment, savor it ALL, even the frustration.
We’ve been married 25 years now – seems like yesterday we were 19 and 25, me and him. Now our oldest (21) is in the Army and our 18-year old is driving us both over the edge. But no matter what, in the end, it’s still the two of us slaying the Dragons and the fear together.
Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems… I know which I would choose!
Much love and support goes to you!
Whitney
Its hard taking care of 2 people. A baby and a husband. I dont know which one is more difficult. And then on top of that taking care of yourself. I found that sometimes I have to let things like laundry go so that I can spend time with Zach. As much as it kills me to sometimes let my housework go it ends up being just fine and then you have a happy husband. Youll figure it out. Dont worry.
Christina
You can always email…
Just kidding. It is hard. Relationships of every kind take so much work, and energy. At least you’re honest about it. I think that goes a long way as far as staying on track.
For what it’s worth, you are a lovely family!
DeAnna
Crazy (and appreciated) that I started reading blogs I haven’t read in a week to get out of my grouchy mood caused by several “zings” between my hubby and I & here is this post! I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, and I swear some days I wonder if things will ever get easier. I recently spent a weekend without work, the hubby and with Grandparents to watch the kidlets. I am not going to lie, it was great! It has been way too long since I got to have any girl time and I think that helped some of sanity return. But then I came home and that sanity so didn’t last! After 7 yrs I am still trying to find a happy medium between life, work, kids, me time and hubby time. It is always nice to hear someone else going thru similiar things! And some of your comments have some good advice. I am hopeful that the slump is gone by the beginning of next week. Good luck to you too!!
Alison
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am tired of being jealous of everybody else in great sounding relationships. I’m not jealous of anything else in life, just those whose husband sits with them, listens to them, tries to understand them, helps out before he is asked, shows affection to them, and generally isn’t indifferent to them. I’ve tried to be the one to talk it out, talk to each other, just talk. I think we have lost ourselves in the kids. We had three under 4. The oldest is seven and a half now, then six and a half and three. I don’t suppose it helped that for the last 6 1/2 years the boys never slept.
I’m tired of being the snippy one, the one who makes suggestions to do something, the one missing the DH I married. I’m tired of being the one who loves with nothing in return. I’m afraid it’s gone too far to come back. I am 39 and heartbroken.
Work at it Katie, before you get to my stage. Walk down those two flights of stairs and stop to ask how his day went. Stop and take the time while you still have it.
Beanie's Nana
Oh, Alison, your comment broke MY heart. Sweetheart, its NEVER EVER too late. Every single day is a chance to start anew. After almost 30 years of marriage, I can honestly say two things: 1) the bumps in the road change but they don’t go away; and 2) there is no magic to a wonderful marriage – its a lot of hard work – but there is NO greater joy than looking back and seeing what we’ve overcome and how much deeper our relationship is because of it. If you focus on the “best times” during the “bad times” you’ll soon realize that your marriage is ever-evolving – and tough times are temporary. Please don’t give up. (And P.S. I don’t know any husbands like you describe. If there are – I’ll take two!)