Hi, my name is Katie and I am an optimist. I prefer yes to no. I see half full glasses everywhere I go. I think everyone and everything has potential.
Everyone except maybe Molly. Molly’s hopeless.
Meet my husband, Chris. He is a pessimist. Or, as he prefers, a realist. His first instinct is to say no. He sees half empty glasses around every corner. He thinks that everyone and everything has the potential to fail.
This is what a marriage looks like between two polar opposite personalities:
“Gosh, the weather is beautiful! Look at those big beautiful clouds in the sky!” I would say.
“Those are (insert weird scientific name for cotton candy clouds). Its going to rain and storm and thunder and hail,” Chris would say.
“Wow! That sounds like fun! I love a good thunderstorm! Let’s watch a movie in our pajamas and eat ice cream until my stretch marks are stretched back out!” I would say.
“Are you crazy? Don’t you know that during torrential downpours, our house could flood which could knock the power out which would turn off the freezer, melting your ice cream into a puddle of goo that I could slip on in the dark of a power outage and if I was holding the Bean when I slipped he could go flying out the window and be sucked up into the funnel of a giant tornado that has spawned off of the horrible thunderstorm????” Chris would say.
Over the years, I have tried to appreciate what Chris’ viewpoints bring to the table. We always have money in savings because Chris believes rainy days are just waiting to attack us. And our bank account. He saves receipts and buys warranties because he knows all products will break eventually. We always have spare everythings – tires, candles, non-perishable food items, Q-tips – in case the world would come to an end and we would find ourselves in a cave underground with a bunch of cockroaches and some computer geek named Tad who, like, totally saw the end of civilization coming.
You never want to face the end of the world without extra Q-tips.
I, on the other hand, never leave my house with an umbrella because I refuse to believe it could rain on a day this beautiful. I think dandilions are beautiful flowers and refuse to acknowledge them as weeds. I think most, if not all, people are trustworthy. I believe in the power of positive thinking and have been known to say that I can “think it to reality.” I’m terrible in a crisis because I never, ever see them coming and so I just walk around repeating, “How do these bad things happen?”
Some people say that opposites attract. That Chris is the yin to my yang. That I am the sugar to his sour. That he is the bitter to my sweet.
Personally, I think he is the dirt on my fresh strawberry. The fly in my sweet iced tea. The oil stain on my bright white driveway.
What’s that line from Pride and Prejudice? When Willoughby is talking about Colonel Brandon? Its something like, “He has threatened me with rain when I wanted sunshine.”
THAT’S WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE MARRIED TO A PESSIMIST.
I come home with great news to share with Chris. He shoots me down with some silly trivial negative detail. And I want to take my half full cup and throw it in his face and shout, “BACK OFF MY SUNSHINE, YO!”
But he can’t. He just cannot back off my sunshine. He is genetically, physically, psychologically NOT ABLE to hear something and not immediately process what negative implications it might have.
(For the record, I used at least four words in that last sentence that I don’t fully know the meaning of.)
To combat this, I like to randomly break into song around him. I feel like its good for his poor, negative soul. Or I like to put him in direct sunlight if at all possible. Like a plant. Like my own personal negative plant of darkness.
01Sep
Beanie loves his bath time. I do, too. We splash. We kick. We pee in the water. Its a great time. And I love the minutes afterwards, too. When he’s clean and smiley and good to snuggle.
But maybe the absolute best part of bath time is playing with Beanie’s hair. Its one of the great things about having a baby with a head full of hair.
All that hair provides endless hours of entertainment.
And an endless supply of embarrassing pictures to break out when Beanie brings a girl home to meet us one day.
Poor Beanie. Pictures last a lifetime, Little Buddy.
Just ask your father.
One of the challenges of being a new parent is trying to figure out all of the baby stuff. So, when someone gave me a pack of five things called “pee pee tee pees,” I had a hell of a time coming up with how to use them.
Are they tiny ear muffs?
Or maybe goggles for the tanning bed?
I don’t know. That can’t be right. You can’t put babies in tanning beds, can you?
Could they be tiny hats?
Maybe. With the right outfit… No. Probably not.
Well, could they possibly be…
Nope. I’m POSITIVE that’s not what they’re for. But, thanks, Chris.
OH! I bet I know what a Pee Pee Tee Pee is used for!! I tried to get Chris to model, but he drew the line. He doesn’t draw lines very often. But he looked pretty serious about this particular line, so I had to find another model.
You don’t hear Winnie complaining, do you, Chris?
TA DA! This is a Pee Pee Tee Pee! And while it might seem small and insignificant, you just try changing a baby boy’s diaper one time and accidentally yawning and getting sprayed in the mouth like a kid in the sprinkler. Suddenly a Pee Pee Tee Pee is pretty darn valuable.
So is mouthwash.
Now, can’t you sleep better at night knowing what a Pee Pee Tee Pee is? I know I can.
03Sep
What’s more fun than a little question and answer session on a Friday morning? Not too much in my book.
This weekend I was watching Inside the Actors Studio. I just love that show. I especially love the end of it when they ask those ten questions to each guest. The questions are from a series of questions from the late 1900s and the answers to these questions are supposed to reveal a lot about your personality.
Well, okay!
1. What is your favorite word? Either “bubble” or “twinkle.” Cause they are just fun to say.
2. What is your least favorite word? “Hors d’oeuvre.” You wouldn’t think I’d need it a lot, but surprisingly I do. And I can never pronounce it or spell it. Usually when I have to use it in a sentence I just look down and mumble when its time to say it. “Appetizers” work just fine for me, thanks.
3. What turns you on? Humor. Good, witty, clever humor. Or stupid, middle school, fart humor. I’m not particular.
4. What turns you off? Laziness. Can’t stand it. Be active or get out of the way.
5. What sound do you love? This answer is the only one that’s changed since I’ve had a baby. My favorite sound used to be someone walking on gravel because it reminds me of early mornings in campgrounds when I was growing up. But since the Bean’s arrival, that has been replaced by his laugh. He laughs like whatever he’s looking at is the funniest thing he’s ever seen in his short little life. It doesn’t get much better than that. Its genuine happiness.
6. What sound do you hate? Ugh! My freaking dogs barking!! THE SCHOOL BUS COMES EVERY MORNING, DOGS! EVERY MORNING! GET USED TO IT!
7. What is your favorite curse word? Pisser. I use it all the time. “That’s a pisser!” “You’re a pisser!” “PISSER!”
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? I’d love to be a self-supported writer. Any kind will do. But I think I’d especially enjoy being a humor columnist.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Anything with numbers – accountant, retail, banker. Anything where numbers are part of the daily grind. I’d poke my eye out with a #2 pencil if I had to work with numbers every day.
10. If Heaven exists (and I believe it does), what would you like to hear God say to you when you arrive? I’m proud of you.
So, that’s the insight into my personality. Now we all know really important things about me like my hatred of numbers and my love of campground noises.
What about you? If you want, answer the questions for yourself in the comments section. Just know that as I read all your answers, I’ll be singing, “Getting to know you, getting to know all about youuuuuuuu. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like meeeeeee…..”
And I may even break out my hoop skirt.
