This afternoon as I looked around my house after de-Christmasing, I had a mild panic attack.Â Not really.Â But I did stop for a minute and evaluate the situation.Â Whether it was covered in dog hair, drool, or dust, everything needed to be cleaned.Â There were little piles of crap everywhere.Â Bills stacked on top of unopened Christmas cards stacked on top of sale coupons I had clipped stacked on top of Netflicks envelopes.Â There were Christmas presents, unwrapped, laying around the house in no particular order and in no particular place.Â And the baby toys.Â Oh, the baby toys.Â It looked like Toys R Us threw up all over my house.
And while I know that its not Chris and Bean’s fault directly, I did find myself blaming them today.Â I found myself thinking back to when I was in college living with the Two Meatheads.Â True, those two boys were far dirtier and smellier than my two boys today.Â But at least in that small apartment in college, I had my own space.Â My two college roommates, Jay and Neal, were really respectful of my space.Â They never came into my bedroom, never asked to use my bathroom even when we had a house full of people, they never ate my food, and never used my laundry detergent.
But these two boys?
Well, these two boys are different.Â They’re just all up in my space.Â My living room is overflowing with Bean’s toys now.Â My desk is overflowing with Chris’ cables and cords and hard drives.Â My bathtub now has a giant duck living in it and squirt toys and bubble blowers hanging on the walls.Â My laundry room runneth over with tiny, little socks and giant, smelly socks.Â My fridge is full of beer and baby bottles.Â My garage now houses a pool table and dart boards and ping pong tables in exchange for my car.Â And I can’t tell you the last time I got into my bed and didn’t fish out a burp cloth or binky from between my sheets.
Now, don’t get me wrong.Â I love these two boys.Â They make my life fuller and richer and all that other warm, fuzzy stuff.Â But, I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic lately.Â Take, for example, my writing.Â I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about a book.Â Or started a magazine article.Â Hell, even a birthday card to a friend and I’ve been interrupted by something.Â Dinner needing to be made or a diaper needing to be changed or groceries needing to be bought or bills needing to be paid.Â And while I know that none of these things are anything worse than the next person deals with on a daily basis, too, I’m just feeling it all a little more intensely right now.
In 2010, I’m not going to make any resolutions.Â But I am setting a few goals for myself and the one at the top of my list this year is to learn how to balance these two boys with time for myself.Â To learn how to make myself a priority so that I’m not just running in circles all day long and then using whatever is left at the end of the day to meet my needs.Â I know this sounds selfish and ungrateful, but I know myself and I know that I can’t give to others if my mind is preoccupied with personal needs that aren’t being met.
The great news is that my two boys…Well, they’re pretty much two peas in a pod.Â I’ve got a supportive partner and that makes it possible for me to dial it back a little bit.Â Chris is the first to step up when I need to step back and I know that he will, once again, rise to the challenge.Â And Bean won’t complain because his Dad is his favorite playmate.
And because he can’t talk.
So, in 2010, my main goal is to make time to take off my Mom hat.Â To take off my Wife hat.Â To take off my Blogger hat and my Full-Time Working hat.Â To lower my expectations of what can be accomplished in one day and to spend some time with Katie.Â Doing things that rejuvenate me and excite me.Â Spending time writing more than just blog posts and exploring things that are important to me and for me.Â In the end, I think that will make me a better mother and a better spouse.
Viva la Katie!