Babies and My Fighting Style
So, this afternoon Chris and I got into a big fight.
A huge fight.
A colossal fight.
We haven’t fought like this in a long, long time. I think the last fight of this size was one night when I was very pregnant and I was standing on the bottom step of the stairs in our house and I yelled so loud that I knocked my huge, preggo self right off the step. I’m a powerful yeller.
Here’s the thing about my fighting style. I hardly ever do it. I’m not a big fighter at all. In fact, I’d rather just apologize, even though something may not be my fault, just so we don’t have to go through the hassle of a fight. Its not that I’m a pushover. Its that I’m lazy. I just haven’t found too many things really worth the effort of fighting over, so I’d rather just be the one to say, “I’m sorry” and then we can move on to more fun things.
But here’s the thing about being married to someone with this kind of fighting style. Once you push them too far, you’ve pushed them too far. And you better find a football helmet and some kind of wooden spoon because you are about to go to war. Whether you want to or not. And whatever you do, whatever you say, just know that you are only going to make the situation worse. Either immediately submit or hold on tight. Once you’ve made me mad, there really isn’t an off switch.
9 out of 10 times, Chris is pretty good at going to battle with me. He puts on his armor and then he stands there silently and takes it. He doesn’t usually fight back when I’m in the red zone. Instead, he lets me rant and rave and knock myself off steps. And then he lets me storm off to a neutral corner where I can calm myself down. And then he either waits for me to realize that I was wrong and I apologize, or he comes and apologizes to me if he was in the wrong. At which point I then break down into a sobbing mess, professing my love and devotion and begging him to take off the football helmet and put down the wooden spoon.
But there are those times, those special, rare times when Chris decides that not only is he going to put on the armor and go to battle, but he’s going to fight back, too. So, then I have to rant and rave AND rip his head off. And it takes sooooo much more effort to fight like this.
And that’s what happened this afternoon. Lack of sleep, lots of vacation travel, and just the good ol’ daily grindstone all came to a head today and neither Chris or I felt like taking any crap from the other one. So, we didn’t. We went round for round until finally, we both told the other to leave the house. And neither of us listened to the other person, so we both retreated to neutral corners and pretended the other person didn’t exist for the next several hours.
Under normal circumstances, I would say this was just a terrible fight and we’d look back on it and laugh at how silly and headstrong we were both being. But this time, it was different. Because as I was ranting and raving and ripping Chris’ head off and as he was yelling right back at me, I had Bean on my hip. He was right there. In the middle of it. And I didn’t even really notice until I stormed up to my bedroom and realized someone was hanging off of me.
So, then I cried.
I skipped the anger and the cool down completely and went straight to the crying. How could I have gotten so involved in some stupid fight that I would lose my cool like that in front of a baby? And not just any baby, but my Beanie. He’s never heard me yell before and there I was yelling right over his head like I had no sense at all. The guilt of my actions stopped me cold.
I cried for a little bit while Bean chewed on his feet and pulled my hair, seemingly oblivious to what had just happened. And then I got up off my bed and wiped my face, I changed Bean’s diaper, changed my clothes, and I pulled myself together. Because as mad as I was and as much as I wanted to either punch Chris in the nose or curl up in my bed and sleep off what had just happened, I couldn’t do either of those things.
Because someone was counting on me.
The thing is, fighting before you have children is a luxury. You can be as moody, as sulky, as self-indulgent, and as immature as you want to be. And trust me, I was an awesome self-indulgent sulker. But now that there’s someone else in our house, issues between me and Chris take a backseat really quickly. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get just as mad as I did before Bean came along and that doesn’t mean that my temper isn’t just as powerful and just as prevalent as it was before Bean. But as a mom (shoot – as a mature adult!) I have to learn some self-control. I used to think I had a green light to pitch colossal fits every now and then because I so seldom got mad, but it doesn’t matter if I get angry every 10 minutes or every 10 years, I have to learn to keep it in check because someone else is depending on my stability.
I don’t ever want Bean to see me that angry again. I’m sure there will be times (probably MANY times…) when my anger will rise in front of Bean and that’s okay. Anger is an valid emotion and I don’t want to show myself to him as some fake, perfect human who doesn’t ever get mad. But I don’t ever want to lose control like I did today in front of him again. We teach by setting an example, even to 7-month-old babies, and I don’t want my example to be that temper tantrums and yelling and harsh, unkind words are ever justified. There is a right way and a wrong way to have a disagreement and I want to be sure to set the right example for Beanie. Its going to take me a while and I might bite my tongue off multiple times while I learn to keep it in check, but its an effort that I need to make to be a better mom.
So, there you have it. I am far from perfect. Our family is far from perfect. We fight. We yell. But we love each other.
And now I must go. Chris is sitting on the living room couch in his football helmet, holding his wooden spoon. He says its just a precaution, but he’s really freaking out the dogs…
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17 Comments
Karen Collum
Thanks for such a candid post. My hubby & I had a massive fight when our oldest was 7 months old and it actually changed everything, for the better. Our situation was slightly different as it was my hubby who crossed the line (big time, I might add) and I actually left him for 2 weeks as I knew that never again would I put a child in that situation. The good news is, that with a lot of hard work and prayer and tears, we’re stronger than ever. Having kids gave me the courage to make changes I should have made a long time ago.
Jen
You are an inspiration and although we are the same age I find myself learning from your experiences on a post by post basis! Thank you for that!
Love the new layout!
Jen
Diana
Katie, thank you for having the courage to be honest about what a real married life is like, fights and all. You don’t know how much this means to the rest of us. I grew up in a household where my parents never ever fought, but as an adult I realize that this is because they held everything in, silently seething. As a newlywed, I have had to learn the hard way about how to resolve conflict, and I want my future children to see us argue constructively.
Casey
The page looks great! Love it!
Michelle
I love this. It’s real life and it’s awesome that you can recognize your fighting styles. I hate fights like that, but sometimes they just happen.
I know for me, when i’m mad – I want to talk about it NOW. And my boyfriend wants to cool off and wait till later. With kids, we have no choice but to “fight” later. But that’s difficult for me because I don’t like to sit with my anger and stew over it.
*HUGS*
P.S. You have an award over at my blog 🙂
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Great post Katie. You did a good job of giving just enough information so that we could understand the situation but not so much that we felt obligated to weigh in and take sides.
But I’m pretty sure you were right. 😉
MrsEAM
Thanks for such an honest post. I really needed to hear this today. My husband and I got into a fight in front of our 3-month old yesterday and even while I was acting like a childish, spoiled brat I was thinking, we really shouldn’t be doing this in front of K. She was just sitting in her swing watching us with this strange look on her face. I know she had no idea what was going on but still. Anyway, I appreciate the kick in the pants of how an adult should be acting. Hopefully I’ll remember this the next time! I definitely don’t want to teach my daughter my horrible habits.
Jen
My husband and I have different fighting styles, too. I would much rather retreat and cool off (because really, there isn’t much that seems quite as pressing or explosive after you’ve taken time to breathe and relax) whereas he sees that as “just walking away”. Sigh.
Anyway, I’m glad you took a step back and thought about what happened. As the child of parents who fought (a lot), I can say that it’s pretty painful to observe. Yes, children need to know that mommies and daddies can have a disagreement and still love each other, but there is a line. Which you saw and recognized. Which makes you an even better mom.
New layout looks great, btw!
Heather
LOVE this post. I love how candid you are, I love how honest you are, and I love that you ended it on a positive note so it wasn’t just venting – there was a lesson to be learned. And as a newlywed trying to figure out all this stuff, it was a lesson I needed to hear today.
Tracy
Katie –
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years (that by no means implies perfection). But – don’t worry too much about fighting in front of The Bean. One thing children need to learn from their parents is that you CAN fight – and you know what? You make up, move on, get over it, whatever. It seems to me that so many people these days don’t realize that fighting is not the kiss of death for a marriage. It’s a natural part of marriage – – just be sure that Bean witnesses the make up (well, at least part of it ;-)!
maureen
Wow, what a great post. It would take me 15 years of retrospect to see what you saw in one evening. I’m glad you shared your lesson with us!
Ginger
I just wanted to thank you for this post. Your blog is one of the easiest to relate to ones I have ever found to read, and I love it for that. It doesn’t have some deep “I fought cancer and won” quality, that while inspiring, isn’t something I can relate to. Your inspirations come from moments most of us can understand, like having a baby, or taking time for yourself. And, instead of spouting off how your husband is this pinnacle of perfection, you admit he isn’t perfect, but you love him all the more for it. Life isn’t perfect, other people aren’t perfect, relationships aren’t perfect, but by knowing what other people go through, we can help ourselves and others.
I hope this praise makes sense to you, and you take it in the spirit in intend.
Katie
Thank you so much, Ginger. That is exactly what I hope this blog does. Show people that life is messy and marriage can be the greatest thing in the world and the worst thing ever, but its all just part of the fun. Thanks so much for “getting it.” You made my day. 🙂
EmilyC
I just want to say that I love how real your blog is. I’ve been married 18 years and I can honestly say that the longer we are married the less we fight. When we first got married we got into it alot but now we hardly ever fight. I don’t know if he or I just gave up or he finally realized I was right! LOL Seriously, I think because we have lost several loved ones over the past few years and we don’t take each other for granted because life can change in a split second.
courtney
Thank you so much for posting this. My husband and I have argued in front of my two year old, and I have also lost it in front of him (nothing dangerous just ranting and raving). I felt awful and guilty and frankly, like the worst mother in the world. I’m learning to control my responses, but it’s not always easy. However, your honesty helps me feel better. I get tired of couples who never fight. Honestly, if you never fight there is a problem somewhere in your marriage.
Zoe
You know, the psychological research out there is suggesting that fighting in front of children isn’t bad for them, as long as the fighting style is healthy and the children get to see the resolution of the fight. Kids seeing an argument from start to finish teaches them how to resolve disagreements, rather than just how to fight. So it’s not all bad 🙂 Hope you and Chris are feeling happier now.
Jennifer
I just came across your blog (thanks to Southern weddings) and I’m so glad-your life, your style, and your honesty is what i love in a good blogger! I’m sad I didn’t find you earlier. This post really rang true to me because I grew up in a family of non-fighters, and my husband is a big yeller and it has been very strange for me. I’m learning how to fight because he only gets madder when I retreat 🙂 I hope when kids come (whenever that is) we can find a way to meet in the middle 🙂