Our move to Florida is so darn exciting.Â I can’t wait to live closer to my parents.Â I can’t wait to have Chris’ sister over for dinner.Â I can’t wait to see my Grandma more often.Â I can’t wait to see sunshine and warmer temperatures.Â I can’t wait to see Chris step into a role that he has always wanted in his career.
But before any of these things can happen, I have to accept a few things first.Â And those few things aren’t easy pills to swallow.Â They are worthy of the weight they put on me because it will be worth it all in the long run, but right now it just feels like a weight.
First, the saying goodbye to people has started.Â And that just sucks.Â There’s no way to sugar coat it and I haven’t been able to find the silver lining on that part yet.Â It just plain stinks to say goodbye to people.Â Chris and I have loved living in Connecticut, so far from everything and everyone we grew up with and around, because it gave us independence.Â But we truly, honestly could not have made it the five years we’ve been up here had it not been for certain, special people.Â People who supported us with their friendship and encouraged us with their kindness.Â We have truly been blessed with wonderful people while we’ve been here and saying goodbye to them – to each and every one of them – breaks little pieces of my heart.Â I know that with technology these days its not like we’re saying goodbye for forever.Â And I know that Chris and I will visit and that some of them will even visit us, but its just not the same.
And that makes me very, very sad.Â There’s not another word for it.Â No better way to say it.Â It just makes me so very sad.
While saying goodbye to our friends weighs on my heart, quitting my job weighs heavily on my shoulders.Â I haven’t been unemployed since I was sixteen years old.Â I have never left one job without having another one lined up.Â And that reality now – especially during this economy – is hitting me hard.Â Chris and I quit two good-paying jobs and sold our beautiful house to move to a place where we have a rental home for six months and one job lined up.Â I keep telling myself that this is just part of the transition – I’ll find a job and we’ll buy when we get in the area – but it is still such an unsettling thought.Â We have a stable, solid foundation here in Connecticut and we are leaving that during one of the worst recessions in my lifetime.Â While we are financially able to do this right now, this is not a decision that is like Chris and I to make.Â We are practical, rational people.Â We look before we leap.Â We plan ahead and we make good decisions.Â We prepare for rainy days and we expect the worst and hope for the best.
We have three savings accounts for crying out loud.
So, the idea of us leaving the stable comfort of our first home to head out into a sea of the unknown just makes my stomach churn.
Everyone is asking me if I’m excited.Â They want to talk to me about palm trees and suntans.Â And I have those things on my mind, too, and I’m so excited about them that I sometimes swear I can smell coconut.Â But before I can celebrate that arrival in Florida, I have to prepare for my departure here in Connecticut.Â And the logistics of that have given me a minor case of cold feet.
But maybe the worst part about the cold feet is that I can’t really talk to anyone about it.Â I feel like since I asked Chris to do this, I need to be the constant cheerleader for this decision.Â As if momentary cold feet or moments of hesitation are going to undo everything.Â So, instead of talking about how these things are really bothering me and weighing on me, I just smile and laugh and make jokes about being neighbors with Mickey Mouse.Â And I think that adds even more weight because I am not normally a private person.Â I don’t normally keep a sane thought to myself (or insane ones either, for that matter…).Â And not talking about how scared I am I think is making the situation even worse in my head.
So, tonight I am going to talk to Chris about this.Â I’m going to tell him that I’m scared.Â That I sometimes worry we are making the wrong decision.Â That I feel lost without a job and without a permanent home.Â And I know he’s going to want to talk to me about how irrational those things are and how we made this decision together and how its the right one for our family.Â But I’m still going to talk about these things.Â Because they are on my mind.Â And because talking helps me think through situations.Â And because in these situations, you have two choices.
You can deal with them alone, in your own head where they get bigger and bigger and take on a mind of their own.Â Or you can talk through them – however irrationally – with your spouse and together the two of you can bring those fears down to size.
I am so nervous and scared that I’ve gotten myself frozen.Â Unable to pack and take care of details because I can’t give anything my full attention before these fears begin to weigh on me.Â And so tonight, I’ll talk them over with Chris and then tomorrow I will be able to move past them and on to sunshine and tan lines.