On Saturday night after my cousin’s Eagle Scout ceremony, my aunt and uncle threw my sister and her fiance a wedding shower. It was a lot of fun.
But throughout the whole evening, I was reminded that their wedding is in exactly one month. And you know what that means, don’t you?
It means that I have to get thin, tan, and taller in exactly 30 days.
But more than those things, it means that I have to give the toast at the wedding reception in 30 days.
There are several reasons why this is the worst news in the world.
First, this is terrible news because my sister gave the best toast ever at my wedding reception. It was funny and sweet and touching and personal. It made everyone laugh and cry. And, more importantly, it made me sound AWESOME, as any good maid of honor toast should.
Secondly, everyone thinks that because I have this funny little blog, that this somehow makes me a great toast-giver. I’m not sure how that translates, really, but people seem to expect me to be funny in real life, too. What’s up with that?
I hate to burst everyone’s bubble here, but I’m way funnier online.
So, there’s a lot of pressure around this little bitty speech. Truthfully, I have been thinking about the speech ever since Gin got engaged. Everyone’s all excited and all “Ginny’s gonna be a bride!! Yay!” and, naturally, all I can think about is, “Well this is awful for me.”
So, now that time is ticking away and I can actually see the wedding on the horizon, I’m sweating bullets here. I’m also checking my Matron of Honor contract for any loop holes involving pinch hitters, but I’m not having any luck there. Ginny draws up a mean bridal contract.
I’m thinking about sitting Bean up on the stage and having people just look at him for five minutes instead of giving a speech. He’s been known to provide hours of entertainment simply by sucking on his own toes. Why try to compete with that?
Sadly, my sister won’t go for that. Something about the speech needing to involve her and John Michael…??
She’s so selfish.
So, that leaves me with no other option. I’m leaving the country until the wedding is over. See you guys in May.