Pass the Vodka. Its Bathing Suit Season.

One of the best parts of living in Orlando is that I get to reconnect with my oldest friend, Sarah.

I’ve known Sarah since we were in 6th grade.  She sat behind me in our Social Studies class and we’ve been friends ever since.  We went away to college together and even lived together for a year.  As we’ve grown up, we’ve gone on to do different things and lead different lives, but we still have stayed good friends.  She’s the kind of person you can call after three or four months and you can just pick up the conversation like no time has passed at all.  Fortunately for me, we won’t have to go three or four months anymore because Sarah lives in Orlando with her husband Scott.

Correction.  Sarah lives in Orlando with her husband Scott who has one of the best smiles I have ever seen.  Yes.  That’s better.

Anyway, Sarah invited Bean and me over to her house tomorrow for lunch and a little swim in her pool.  I was so excited!

I was excited right up until I realized that I would have to wear a bathing suit.  And then I started drinking heavily.  Bathing suits have that effect on me.

So, tonight I put Bean to bed, kissed Chris goodbye, and went to the only place that I could feel better.  Target.  I walked in the doors whispering, “Sanctuary!  Sanctuary!” But then I took a left into the bathing suit section and suddenly my sanctuary was gone and I was in the pits of hell.

I haven’t worn a bathing suit in five years.  And in about five minutes of flipping through suits, I remembered why.

Bathing suits are cruel.

After having Bean, my body is…well…its not what it used to be.  I’m rounder.  I’m softer.  And while my stretch marks have faded significantly, they are still very visible.  So, I bypassed all the bikinis and went straight to the one-pieces.  And, it wasn’t really so bad at first.  There were some cute suits.  They’re all cute suits when they’re hanging on the hangers.

But then you step into the dressing room.  That tiny little dressing room.  Where its just you and the suit.

They really should make those dressing rooms bigger.  They should have little couches in there so that when you try on a suit and realize that you are two sizes bigger than you were last year, you can faint onto a soft surface.  And they should have padded, sound proof walls so that after you come to, you can scream and throw yourself up against the walls without worrying that anyone will hear or see.  And they should have mini-fridges filled with those little bottles of alcohol like they have on airplanes so that after you scream and throw a fit, you can drown your sorrows.

Alas, my dressing room had none of these things and when I tried on the 3,000 suits I picked out (give or take a few), I had to cry quietly in my little room so that the skinny little eighteen year old college freshmen who were trying on bikinis next to me for their Cancun spring break couldn’t hear.

I did find one suit though.  And while it definitely looked better on the hanger, it wasn’t horrific.

I mean, it had polk-a-dots, for crying out loud.  How scary could it be?

And it has this fun little ruffle at the bottom.

Let’s talk about that ruffle for a minute.  What is the purpose of that ruffle?  I mean, really.  Look how small it is.  And it goes across your hips – the widest part of a woman who has birthed a giant baby. If the designers really wanted to help us out, they would make that ruffle a whole lot bigger.  Like, REALLY big.  Or, if the idea is to distract the eye so that you don’t notice the large ass that is under that tiny ruffle, then maybe a few strategically placed, enormous fake birds could be sewn on the suit somewhere.  That’s distracting.  Or, maybe the suit could come with a set of flaming hoops and I could juggle those when I wear it.  I’m positive no one would care about my wide hips and tiny ruffle with flaming hoops flying around…

Oh, to hell with it all.  I’ll just wrap myself in my towel and have another margarita.

So, I come home feeling so defeated.  So vulnerable.  So pissy.  And what does Chris say when I try to explain the past hour of torture to him?

“Well, how much did you spend?”

Are you freaking kidding me?  I just spent an hour of my life stuffing my mushy, stretched, flabby stomach into spandex.  As if that isn’t traumatic enough, I had to come home to harassment about money.  I just couldn’t take it.  So, I sat down on the couch with my Target bag in my lap, and I ate a bag of Easter candy and a loaf of bread.

Boys just don’t understand.

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43 thoughts on “Pass the Vodka. Its Bathing Suit Season.

  1. I feel your pain! I just recently got to a point where none of my pants fit, and I had to go get new ones. I have a major jiggle where I never did before, and on top of that my boobs are two totally different sizes. Try finding a top that fits AT ALL when you have that problem. Blech. Bathing suits are such a pain. At least for now you are just going to your friend’s house!
    That suit is cute. I tried one on that is similar (a tankini with that pattern) and ended up with one of the Liberty of London suits. I had luck at Old Navy, too. 🙂 Anyway, I’ll join you in the drowning of the sorrows with sweets…or maybe I should just do my 30 Day Shred.

  2. Betsy

    No boys don’t understand and can we share that bottle of vodka????

  3. I feel your pain. I graduated (or maybe more like was demoted) from wearing a binkini to a one piece. One trick I have found is that suits with ruching tend to hide some of the stuff we want hidden. I know you had to find a suit kick but Victoria’s Secret makes some good “hide the bad stuff” “flaunt the good stuff” suits that I enjoy. They are like spanks suit but are cute.

  4. Just remember… you can always get your swimsuits from here and then people will wonder “why is that girl swimming in a dress?
    http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html

    You can thank The Duggars for that link… lol

    1. That should not even be allowed to be called a swimsuit. That’s a dress.

  5. and I totally mean spanx and not spanks – that would conjure up a whole nother image…

    1. That made me laugh. Out loud.

  6. R$

    That suit is cute! Yep, we are not even close to bathing suit time up north.
    I think we all want to see what Beanie’s going to be rockin’ poolside.
    Miss you 🙂 the anteroom to the batcave is just sad and lonely.

  7. That was hilarious! That would be a great dressing room!!

  8. OH My GAH! I have that swimsuit! And actually i hadn’t put on a bathing suit in 5 years either when i bought that suit. The thought of putting on a bathing suit made me vomit a little in my mouth.. i HATE it. But i did it anyway. If not my mother would have given me that look. But in all honesty.. i did like it quite a bit. I liked how i could wear it up on my hip like you said (and you are so right about that freaking ruffle.. Hello hip wings!) but. i was also able to pull it down a little and it almost looked like a little mini dress. Good luck to ya.. i’m seriously not looking forward to putting it on again this summer.. (ugg..i just vomited a little in my mouth again).

  9. Katie

    Oh, boys soooo do not understand!! Bathing suits are traumatic unless you are Jennifer Aniston, of course!! I usually get, “How much of MY money did you spend?”. Oh, that really irritates me!!!

  10. I’ll be around 6ish months pregnant this summer and I love my bikini, but I would never wear it now! I am switching to a Tankini, complaining to my husband that I will never fit into my nice two piece again and he thought I would be wasting my money buying ANOTHER bathing suit and that I’ll look just fine. lol Boys will never understand. Have a drink for me, cause I can’t! lol

  11. Oh bathing suit season…the time of year all women loathe, and when vodka is consumed at alarmingly fast rates! I also hate putting on a bathing suit…we have a pool and I hate to walk the 10 feet from my back door to the deck without being wrapped up in a towel at least…I don’t even have any neighbors! Oh well…there’s always the booze.

    http://www.klmphotos.wordpress.com

  12. I’m so sorry.
    I’m just so sorry.
    I bet you’d like this one:

    http://fashionbinge.blogspot.com/2009/06/this-cat-bathing-suit-is-best-thing-on.html

    Talk about distracting!

  13. Sarah

    I love this post. Love it! From the tiny dressing room to the 18 year olds next door to your hubby’s reaction, it cracked me up. Now you just have to worry about Bean tugging it off you.

  14. I feel exactly like this… except I haven’t birthed a child, so I have no excuse.

    But you are going to a POOL PARTY in April. Do you know how amazing that is to all of us who will be shivering tomorrow. Sun and warmth in April. It’s supposed to be 50 and raining here tomorrow.

    Marla @ http://www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com

  15. if you could convince me to try on a bathing suit these days (i am preggo) it would nothing short of a miracle, then your next challenge would be to get me out in it.

    i am so freaking pale i dont even think the florida sun could help me. that said, i typically stick with running shorts and a t-shirt.

    maybe in my next life i will be tall, skinny, tan and have big boobs??

  16. allison

    Oh man, I feel your pain. If it makes you feel better, I have never given birth, but I have refrained from wearing a bikini since age SEVEN. Single digits. At least you have a child to explain any squishy parts. Annnnnd I’d just like to point out that you look skinny in all your pics anyway! Don’t forget to wear your sunscreen tomorrow–us redheads gotta protect our delicate skin 🙂

  17. I love target! I hope you got Bean a super cute suit and floaties!! Obvs well need pics 😉

  18. Angela

    I feel your pain!
    The worse is when people take pictures while you’re in your bathing suit. Then they haunt you forever more.

  19. Oh honey I hear you. I’ve just finished taking Aidan to baby swim confidence classes and all I had was a one piece that didn’t really fit my new Mum boobs and thighs. Thank god for winter and trackpants. I’m just glad we’re going into winter here and I can burn of my baby flab and enter summer a more body confident woman… just don’t ask my husband about the cost of gym membership!

  20. Amy

    Oh Katie, I’m so sorry. I feel your pain–I’ve NEVER felt comfortable in a swimsuit. Sending you lots of love.

  21. I remember doing the same thing last year. The craziest part was that although I was wearing a 12 or 14 (large) in regular clothes, I had to get a bathing suit in a THREE FREAKING X!!! What the heck Target???

  22. Lisa

    We are our biggest critics! I’m sure your hubby would find you sexy no matter what suit you choose 🙂

  23. Ella

    What a cute bathing suit! Shopping for bathers is right up there with jeans shopping for me – i dread both so i know exactly where you are coming from. For me though wearing bathers also means ill need to have a bikini wax 🙁

  24. We are so hard on ourselves! I’m sure you look great. And yeah, boys just don’t get it. At all.

  25. pool party in April bet you didnt think you would be doing that this time last yr, good luck with it x

  26. p.s does bean have a costume to wear (p.p.s they are called swimming costumes, which caused great entertainment when i worked in America for 3 mths one summer at summer camp) have fun in your costume x

  27. SO feeling your pain!! I have the widest hips (and honey I haven’t even birthed a child yet….) and I hate the back of my legs. We wont speak of the back of my legs – ever.

    I haven’t tried on suits this year. It makes me cry. But, the other day I tried on dresses and I’m pretty sure that the designers have no idea what to do with my hips. Seriously, after trying on like 20 dresses, I came home with nothing.

  28. Kat

    That suit looks super cute! I just love Target bathing suits!

  29. Oh how I feel your pain. I also went to target and got a polka dot suit, there is something about the polka dots that seem to hide the extra fat! haha

    http://www.monkeetrouble7.wordpress.com

  30. Stephanie Neal

    Cute suit. Hilarious & very true post. I can totally relate. Have fun at the pool!

  31. I feel the pain Katie. I am about to order a full on body suit type of swim suit for going to the gym because I can’t bear to buy a regular suit the way I am now. Thankfully I am no where near the warm weather (except today its going to hit 80). Have fun at the pool!

  32. Ann

    Hilarious. I especially loved the part about sewing on fake birds.

    My own approach — when I realized my Minnesota winter body would be flouncing up and down Hawaiian beaches — was a tankini from Target that was basically a full tank top and black wrap skirt.

    I was reassured, though, to see how many normal-looking people were just enjoying themselves, swimwear notwithstanding.

  33. I am absolutely dreading that. After two kids, I’m ok with my body but definitely don’t want to parade around in a bathing suit. That is the worst type of shopping….EVER.

  34. Doesn’t it seem there’s always some size 2 girl in dressing rooms, talking to her friends about how fat she looks in her bathing suit?

    They should have seperate dressing rooms for people like that.

  35. I get to buy my swim suit from Motherhood Maternity this year! Maternity swimsuits are oh soo sexy!!! Maybe I can get a large ruffle right down to my kankles!

  36. Tressa

    I should have been in the dressing room next to you……you would have felt A WHOLE LOT BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!!! 😉

    You are beautiful, even in your swim suit

    Have a great weekend

    Happy Easter!!

  37. I wear my 5 month old baby in a pool sling as a cover up. I mean, I wear him so he can enjoy the pool and feel secure in the water…but mostly as a cover up. Everyone looks at the baby and he sits right on top of my squishy tummy.

  38. I got the bikini version of that suit!

    Not that I belong in a bikini, mind you. Ugh. I too require many margaritas in order to appear in public in any sort of bathing apparatus.

  39. Ain’t that the truth! I want a new suit so I can feel better about my not-so-sexy post baby body (I had 2 kids in 1 year, not twins either)because the one from last year just isn’t doing it for me, and all my hubby can say is “You’re not spending money on another swimsuit.” Boys really don’t get it!

  40. Brina

    You need to go to the Waterford Lakes Target – they have HUGE dressing rooms!! AND much better lighting! 😀

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