Bean,  Marriage Confessions,  Parenting

In the Trenches of Motherhood

Today, motherhood kicked my ass.

THE END.

Not really.  I mean, that one sentence pretty much sums up my day, but what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t give you the low down dirty details?

Most days, I love being a mom.  I love that every time Bean learns something new, I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.  I love that when he’s sleepy or hurt, he wants me to snuggle him and make it better.  I love that I know his schedule and his preferences and his personality better than anyone else.  I love that feeling I get when he looks me right in the eyes and smiles.

Most days, I am in love with being a mom.

But, like all other relationships in life, Bean and I have our ups and downs.  And today was a down.  A very deep down.

It actually started last night.  Bean was crawling across the living room and, for some reason, his little arms just gave way unexpectedly and he face planted onto the carpet.  It actually didn’t look like that bad of a fall, so I picked him up, snuggled him for a minute, and then gave him his binky so he would calm down a little and stop crying.  He put the binky in his mouth for a minute, but then he took it back out and handed it to me.

And it had blood on it.

Now, I am not squeamish at all.  Blood has never bothered me before.  Mine or someone else’s – its never really been an issue for me.  But this was BEAN.  This meant BEAN was bleeding.  And that just ripped my heart out, taking my stomach along with it.  I screamed for Chris.

(Note to Self: Avoid screaming when you are trying to calm down your screaming child.)

We couldn’t get him to calm down enough to let me get up there and check out what the problem was, so we decided to go straight for the bathtub.  Bean loves his bath and it always calms him down and puts him in a good mood, and it did the trick.  He got in the bath and instantly forgot about his mouth.  He played for about 15 minutes and then we got him out, dried off, in clean jammies, and onto his changing table.  At this point, he was in a pretty good mood so he let me lift his top lip and poke around some.  His teeth were fine.  All six and a half of them.  And from what we could tell, we think he bit his upper lip.  But he seemed better, so we gave him some Tylenol, gave him his bottle, and put him down.

And then this morning he woke up and it was all pretty much shot after that.

Nothing pleased Bean today.  He didn’t want his favorite toys.  He didn’t want his food.  He didn’t want his juice.  He didn’t want to take a nap.  He didn’t want his bottle.  He didn’t want Big Molly.  And he definitely didn’t want me.  I was the last thing he wanted all day long.  Every time he got near me, he would just start screaming.  I was doing everything wrong and I wasn’t even doing anything!

Half of the day, I went around feeling so hurt.  How could he not want me?  What had I done wrong?  What could I do differently?

And the other half of the day, I went around feeling angry.  How could he not want ME?  What had I done wrong? What could I have done differently?

And as if that wasn’t frustrating enough, all Bean really did want was Chris.  He wanted Chris to hold him and change him and feed him.  Every toy Chris handed him, Bean thought was the best toy ever.  It was like salt in a very open wound.

And then, of course, the guilt comes.  Guilt over feeling inadequate, ill-equipped, un-prepared.  Guilt that after 10 months, I still haven’t figured some parts of this gig out.  Guilt over the jealousy I have of Chris and Bean’s relationship.  Guilt for feeling guilty.

By 5:00 today, I was over the whole thing.  I wanted a time out.  I needed a time out.  I didn’t want to be someone’s mom anymore today.  I didn’t want to have to worry about Bean’s mouth every time he cried.  I was tired of feeling guilty and hurt and angry all day.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a new day tomorrow.

Which begs the question, WHY DOESN’T MOTHERHOOD COME WITH DO-OVERS????

I don’t need too many of them.  But, like, once a week, why can’t I just call out, “DO OVER!” and get a redo on my day?  Sadly, I know this doesn’t work because I must have yelled out to the Heavens at least four different times today and the only response I got was from Bean, who started yelling at me.

The hardest part of being a mom at this point is the emotion.  In the beginning, it was the physical exhaustion of learning how to stay awake, how to be productive when you’re exhausted, how to carry a 20 pound carrier with a 20 pound baby inside.  Any emotional turmoil in the beginning months was mostly happy emotions for me.  But at this point in the game, emotions are running really high.

Its hard for me to not take Bean’s temper tantrums personally right now.  He looks right at me and hits me or throws something or just starts screaming.  And I know that this is a phase and that its part of testing his limits and all that other baby development mumbo jumbo that on any other day I would totally take to heart.  But today was a long day, and the last thing I feel like doing is breaking down the psychology on Bean’s actions.

Instead, I will just accept defeat today, take an extra long shower, and go to bed early.  Because tomorrow will be a new day.

And it better be a better day, dammit, or I’m calling in sick.

37 Comments

  • Holly

    I had a loooong day in mommyhood today as well. It’s tough when there are no ‘call in sick’ days while being at home. I think a day to myself is exactly what I need.

    There will be days where he will only want you and not Chris. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us 🙂

  • Renee

    Unfortunately my “do-over” days have gotten more frequent as my daughter has gotten older.

    One of my favorite Nooma videos is called “The Lump” and I have felt like that a ton of times.

  • Janet

    Lol, love your parting shot…it’s so appropriate. I know you’ve heard it all before, so I won’t try to give you any advice, since there really isn’t any, except hang in there. Somebody told me there’d be days like these, but not really how to deal with them! Ok, maybe one little piece of advice. Take a day to yourself to get a pedicure, and just walk around Target, even if you don’t buy anything. Just recharge…and maybe Bean will appreciate you a little more when you get home. Good luck 🙂 Wish I were in Orlando, I’d treat you to Olive Garden and a matinee!

  • Nikki

    I’m sorry that you had such a rough day! Most of your posts make me want to have a little one soon, but then you bring me back down to earth with these type of posts. Thank you for being so open about all aspects of your life, especially the ups and downs of raising a little one! Happy tomorrow!

  • Sarah H.

    Let’s go to the nail salon, walk on the board walk, stick our toes in the sand while watching the waves crash and then have a margarita with chips and salsa. Sound good?

  • Looking€ oHeaven

    It’s all a matter of perspective honey.
    When my kids want their daddy, I run in the other direction lickety split before anyone can change their minds. 😉
    I used to feel guilty about my running but I don’t anymore. You need time for you. Especially now that you are with him all the time. SAHM’s are generally the least social of all women and we need time with people that are above our waists.
    We all have good and bad days. Instead of feeling bad that he wants his dad, celebrate! You get time for you. =)
    I do understand how you feel though and I will say a prayer for you now.
    Blessings!

  • Megan

    I feel you Katie. All to well. Q-Tip has started hitting. Mostly me. And it doesn’t feel good. Physically or emotionally. I’m the one here all day taking care of her. Doing everything for her. And then I get smacked because I need to change her dirty diaper…so SHE doesn’t get a burned bottom. I know she is only 17 months old but it gets old. And somedays (more than I care to admit)…I feel the SAME way. And…I don’t feel like I handle my feelings nearly as well as you do.

    I don’t know what to tell you but there are other mommies that feel the same way. Your not alone. 🙂

    Megan

    http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/

  • Miss M!

    Bubba does that to me – he will cry and scream and nothing I do is right, but Dad can do no wrong. The worst days are the ones where he will literally roll out of bed, walk to the front door, and stand there crying for his father who is at work and will be for the next seven hours.

    It’s not just the Bean. Don’t feel like you’re being singled out!

  • Annemari

    They all do it. And we all feel hurt. For the first time.

    My LO is now 2 years and sometimes he prefers me and other times he prefers his dad. When he prefers his dad, I take time out and do what I want to do. And I enjoy it. You have to make some time for yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty otherwise you are going to go bananas!

    And we deserve it! So don’t feel bad, rather use that time for you!

  • Mommy, Esq.

    I know how you feel. The worst is when I feel like it is kicking my ass and I’m only with them on the weekends and for a short time during the week. How can I be this tired when I just did dinner and bedtime? Until they are school age (if you continue to be a stay-at-home mom) it just gets tougher until they can talk and be reasoned with. At least I’m hoping the ability to reason with them will help. Toddlers are the most ass-kicking of all…

  • Ella

    I can really relate to how you are feeling. Its great that you can be so honest. For every good day i have with my son i have 2 bad. He was a really easy baby but as a toddler he is totally different. I dont have any answers but taking some time out for you is so important. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Im thinking of ringing in sick tomorrow – thanks for the idea! Somehow i dont think my husband will buy it but its worth a try.

  • Kate B

    Are you a fan of wine? Red, white, or anything in between? Because 5:00 is a beautiful time of day for a glass. I think 5:00 was made for wine. I plan on resuming this ritual as soon as I become a mama for the first time, only 7 weeks to go! Your posts help me feel more excited and more prepared as I read your advice!

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor

    I have looked and looked through the phone book for a “Substitute Mommy” office.

    It’s not there.

    Also, by child #3 your attitude totally changes and it makes you HAPPY when they don’t want you and only daddy will do.

  • Jess

    I’m stuck where you are…only mine is 17 months old. He LOVES his daddy, then tries to hit me. WTF did I do? Oh yeah, I tried to give you your sippy cup. I keep telling myself to savor these moments because it’ll be short-lived, but deep down I just need a mommy break and a tall Winsor.

  • Elisabeth

    I’ve been having alot of those recently with my 6 month old. The most recent one involved him rolling off the bed while I peed and then I made him puke while trying to give him some medicine. And that was all before 9am. Oh well…

  • jamie feamster

    Sweets!
    We’ve all had “THOSE” days with our kids!

    Just hang in there and know that tomorrow is a new day!

    When you’re in the midst of them growing up, it seems like forever, but they’re grown before you know it!
    (you notice, I didn’t say you’re “done” though)!!! HA!

  • Jen

    You had me rolling about checking his 6 1/2 teeth! Thanks for laugh. I hope today is turning out to be fantastic for you and Bean!

  • Snarky Mommy

    I hate to say, but just wait until he’s older. If you think his moods are bad now, wait until he’s 3 and can throw the mother of all tantrums while also detailing for you with words the way you are failing him!

    Seriously, there are going to be a lot of these kind of days in your mothering career, but thankfully, the good ones outweigh the bad. Hang in there. And never, ever feel bad about needing to step away for a few hours. It’s how you stay sane, especially as a SAH parent.

  • Diana

    Awwwww, some days are just plain HARD! You’re a great mommy and it’s very normal to feel the way you do. Since Bean wants Daddy I think you should just take a bath and get some rest…like you said, tomorrow is a new day.

  • Adrienne

    Katie – I don’t have kids so I can’t provide any advice. Just know that there are a ton of us out here rooting for you, Chris, and the Bean.

  • Olga

    My 4 year old use to bump her mouth all the time. She got teeth really early around 4 months. So seriously from 6 months to almost 3 she was always bumping her mouth with her teeth. It gets very bloody she has had a few loose teeth as well. It happened almost once a week. But she never knocked her teeth out, and we never had to do stitches. But it is always scary to see blood, and not sure where it came from.

    There are good days and bad days. Kids are pretty tough. and they forget the bad stuff faster than we do. My one year old wanted nothing to do with my husband when she was a baby. Now he is her favorite person in the whole wide world.

    I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

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