Clingy Beanie
Bean has never really been a clingy baby. He has always gone to other people pretty well after he has a chance to warm up to them a bit. He’s never been one to cry when Chris or I leave the room (except at our church nursery, where he cries every week for some reason that I can’t figure out…). Generally speaking, I’d say he was a pretty independent and well-adjusted dude.
Except lately.
In the past two weeks or so, I have started to notice a little clinging action going on. It started with him not going to other people quite as easily. Someone would start talking to him while I was holding him and he would put his head down on my shoulder like he was suddenly shy. But the minute the person walked away, he would perk back up and start calling for them to come back. When we noticed this happening more, Chris and I made a conscious effort to make sure we weren’t holding him quite so often when we were out and about. We would put him down and let him stand next to us holding our hands and we would squat down next to him whenever someone came over to talk to him. That way, he knew we were there, but he wouldn’t get used to having Chris and I to hide behind.
But gradually, it became a little more than just clingy around strangers. He suddenly became clingy even when it was just us at home. He wanted to be held more and when we wouldn’t pick him up for whatever reason, he would just lean against our legs, moaning.
I’ll admit, it was kind of cute at first. I mean, it’s no secret that Bean loves his Daddy and so to have him wanting me all the time now was kind of exciting at first. But, now? It’s sort of lost the shine. Take, for example, bathroom breaks. Bean doesn’t want me to leave his side, so when I step into the restroom for a minute, this is is what sits right outside the bathroom door, waiting for me.
I’m sure there are lots of parenting books out there that tell you exactly how to handle this stage and I should probably pick one of those up. But, right or wrong, this is how Chris and I are dealing with our Clingy Beanie:
There is a difference between clingy and scared. When Bean is clingy at our house and it’s just us, I know that it’s not because he’s scared or anxious or nervous and that it’s more just a “I want to be held” thing. For those instances, we really try to make him deal on his own. I might sit down and play with him a little more, but he’s got to sit by himself like a big dude when we play. He can’t hide in my lap. But when we’re out somewhere and it’s a nervousness around strangers, I’m not quite so hardcore. I don’t ever want to scare him and so I don’t push him into those stranger situations on his own. Instead, I either stand close to him while he stands there and meets the person or if I’m holding him, I turn him so that he is facing the person, but I still hold onto him pretty good so he knows I’m there. I want him to feel safe and secure, but I also want to teach him to be social and confident around people.
Distraction is key. When Bean gets clingy, usually it’s because he wants us to play with him…or, rather, for him. And a lot of the time, it’s a nice little reminder to me that Bean needs my attention even when he’s playing. So, I’ll go sit with him and play for a while until he’s ready to hang by himself. But there are times when I simply can’t come running to be his playmate. Take, for example, meal times. Bean always wants to stand right underneath me now when I’m cooking dinner. It’s his clingiest time of day. But I can’t have him standing right there when I’ve got stuff on the stove and I’m taking things out of the hot oven – what if something hot fell on him? So, instead I put him in his high chair and wheel him into the kitchen with me. He cries at first because he wanted me to pick him up, not put him in his seat, but he gets over it when we start singing. We sing all his favorite songs and we play Patty Cake and we point to things in the kitchen. We do anything to take his mind off the fact that I’m not holding him. That way, he’s hanging right there with me, but he’s sitting by himself like a big boy.
Hugs are always allowed. When Bean is clingy, my first instinct is to treat him like one of our dogs when we are teaching them something (isn’t that awful?) – no eye contact, no touching. I know that’s terrible to admit, but it’s the only real behavior training experience I’ve had! But, Bean is, in fact, not a dog. And so I have found that eye contact and touching are actually helpful to Bean when he’s clingy. When he is clingy at home and it’s just me there, I squat down to his level and give him a big ol’ bear hug – complete with nuzzles and neck snuggles and snorts into his belly. Lots of touching, lots of eye contact so he knows that I’m not ignoring him, I’m just not going to pick him up. No matter how clingy he gets, he can always have a hug from me. I want him to know that I’m right here for him. But I’m not always going to pick him up. He gets a big snuggle hug and then we walk over to get a toy or find something to do. Granted, he sometimes cries when the hug is over and I stand up to help him find an activity, but he eventually comes along with me on his own two feet and we find something entertaining. I think that’s an important distinction for him to learn though – that just because we aren’t doing what he wants us to do doesn’t mean he is being punished. So, snuggle hugs are necessary. For Bean AND for me.
I’ve heard that between one year and eighteen months is a peak time for clinginess. And I’m sure the fact that I’m home with him every day, all day isn’t helping the situation. But I feel like we’re handling it in a way that suits our family.
What about you? Did your child go through this phase? How did you curb The Cling?
34 Comments
Katie van der Meer
I remember my son going through this. It was opdd because he had always been an independant little man. I just waited it out. I didnt really cjange anything. I did like you, gave him hugs when he was very clingy but continued to speak to him if he was clingy and I was busy I would initiate a new game for him to play on his own and let him know I was still right there in the kitchen. Its touch but it does go away pretty quickly.
Nate's Mom
Nate’s doing the same gosh darn thing. He’s never been a clinger bunnie and now he’s latched on to me and Chad like there’s no tomorrow. He *freaks out* when I drop him off at school, even though we know he loves loves loves his Miss Carrie and Miss Sylvia. But as soon as I leave, he’s fine. I feel like Nate’s testing the control boundaries a little bit…how much can I get Mom and Dad to do what I want – aka pick me up or come here now, etc. We’re handling it the same way – when we’re at home, Nate dukes it out a bit. He’s got to continue learning how to entertain himself because we can’t entertain him 24-7, and I feel like I’m doing him a disservice if I just give in every single time. But in public, we help him along. (Nate can’t stand on his own yet, so he’s still in our arms!) And yes, someone came knocking on the bathroom door yesterday, just as a reminder that he was outside of it…waiting…waiting to play….(And might I be done anytime soon? 30 seconds is an AWFUL LONG TIME.)
I’m feeling like this is a phase and, if I don’t coddle it, he’ll move on to the next one…whatever that may be!
Sarah Joy
When I was an infant/toddler, while my mom was showering or in the bathroom I would sit outside… then she would come out and I would cry “You left me, and I needed you.” – sounds bad, I know… but I have turned out to be quite social, well adjusted and live miles away from my mom without any problems (albeit, I’m now 27).
I hope this stage goes by without too many tears!! Best of luck, and I LOVE reading daily!!
Sarah H.
oooooh that face while he’s waiting for you in the bathroom! It’s making ME want to pick him up and twirl him around. Glad you have a better handle on things 🙂
andrea
AJ, who is now three and runs in the other direction from us, definitely went through a few clingy stages. We would let him know that we loved him but that mommy and daddy couldn’t hold him all the time. There were times he would get really upset and crying (that kid can throw a temper fit!) we would let him cling a little bit till he calmed down and then talk to him and redirect his attention, it usually worked.
There were times that it didn’t, I figured out that for him, those times were when he was teething. He got his first tooth at 4 months and got one a week for the next two months. By the time he was a year he already had teeth kids usually get around 18 months. He would cry so much and wear himself out but still would not go to sleep. I had to put him in the sling, that he was almost too big for, so that he was close to me yet I could still do things around the house. He would calm down immediately and be asleep in minutes. I was pretty frazzled by then, though!
Ryan, who is almost 9 months, has gone through one short clingy stage so far. As independent as AJ has been, Ryan has already shown that she is far more a one baby show. She loves to be cuddled, but it has to be her idea.
I think any parenting book you bought would tell you to do some variation of exactly what you are doing and then add a disclaimer that all kids are different and to do what works best for you and your family. So you are doing exactly the right thing. Keep it up!
Clare
Oscar, who is now 2½ went through a super clingy phase about the same age age Bean. It was so tiring, especially when I was trying to do housework and/or cook the dinner. My house kinda went to rack & ruin for a good few weeks (well that’s my excuse anyway!)
All the advice I can give you is to ride it out. You’re doing the right thing in giving him cuddles & attention, it’s all about giving him positive reinforcement and letting Bean know you are around for him too. It does get easier, I swear, even if it takes a couple of months. xxx
courtney
Sounds like you are handling it great. I wouldn’t worry too much my son went through the same thing. Although, I have to say I think it’s worse when we’re at home for any period of time together. I teach so when we’re home in the summer he gets more clingy.
Alyssa
Buggy is 14 months, he’s been clingy since day 1. He’s always wanted to be held and cuddled so when people said he would hit the clingy phase I didn’t notice, how could he get more clingy! Okay, really I did notice, he really did get more clingy. On top of being clingy he’s always been on the top of the weight charts too. And although I probably should have taken your approach to teach him independence and to save my aching back I took the approach of my baby is only a baby once and if he needs mama let him have mama. It has been 14 months of constant cuddles and hugs and even co-sleeping and now he is finally venturing out on his own and playing without me. He even started sleeping through the night!!! He is just as confidant as those born less clingy. I guess in the end all kids to the same developmental levels they just get there in different ways. Us parents stress over every detail but in the end our kids know what to do 🙂
Katie
Isn’t that so true, Alyssa? I worry constantly about Bean’s development and in the end, it really doesn’t seem to matter because he’ll learn when he’s ready to learn. Chris always calms me down by saying, “Have you ever seen a college kid who can’t walk?” or “Have you ever seen a college kid who doesn’t know what a dog says?” He says it for just about any thing I’m worried about and he’s right every single time! 🙂
Sara Rickman
Our doctor used to say the exact same thing (have you ever seen a college kid…)regarding the pacifier, potty training, etc. It kind of puts things into perspective. I think all Moms sometimes get wrapped up in the moment and forget about the big picture. I think you’re doing great!
PS – that picture of Bean outside the bathroom is precious!
Heather Ben
totally! up until about 15 months or so, kate was totally independent. didn’t ever seem to care when i left her at DC or really even notice when i left. she really just played by herself most of the time, wanted to be on the go, etc. then all of a sudden she started crying in the mornings at drop-off – jeez, it was delayed and I knew she was fine but i thought i was getting to skip that part! she was also very late to say mom – had been saying da-da and other words for quite a while so about this time she also starting saying mom and started expressing a preference me so for just a bit it was great. then, all she wanted to do was be held by me and when walking around stores daddy is usually delegated that duty. plus, on top of that i am expecting the second baby in late September. a lot of people said it was because she sensed the other baby but i don’t really buy into that. it is getting better again – she’s 18 months now and hopefully we are over the hump. but, i have heard they regress when siblings arrive so very anxious about how she will react when the new baby comes.
BTW, i was the one who won the alphabet letters toy and it is great! at 18 months, kate can recognize and say about 10 letters and this toy definitely helped! THANKS!
Catherine
I think what you’re doing sounds just right. Or at least I hope it does. Though my daughter is half Bean’s age, she’s going through the separation anxiety thing. It doesn’t help that she just started daycare after 6 months at home with me. But, like you, I think a balance between loving but not coddling is the best way to go.
Holli
I really hope this doesn’t mean I have to go through another clingy phase! Adehlei (a-deh-lay..incase anyone can’t figure it out haha) is 7 months and a stage 5 clinger!! I cannot leave the livingroom to enter the kitchen where she can clearly see me without her crying and I’m not talking about a normal cry. This cry she’s obtained is so high pitched and loud our cats hide when she does it (wish I could hide with the cats…). I have to admit that I have been a little too corrupted by her screams. I’ve always picked her up and talked to her, but now she’s gotten to the point where as soon as I pick her up she stops crying and smiles like “I’ve won!”. So I recently started checking out the tear production..if there’s not a tear being pushed out of the ole ducts, then mom is not picking baby up!! I just sit next to her and like everyone else has said I try to entertain her until she’s calmed down and seems to be ok.
I was attached to my moms arms (so was my twin) until I was a teen. At the time it wasn’t embarrassing, but I couldn’t imagine my daughter clinging to me at 14 when we go shopping. By the way, I’m completely normal now..no 27 year old clinging to mom 🙂 Anyway, everyone goes through stages at their own time and our children aren’t going to want to be picked up and held at 23!
Sara Rickman
My grandmother’s middle name was Adehlay, pronounced the same as your daughter’s. Isn’t it a beautiful name? I always loved it, but I never heard of anyone else using it before.
Holli
Sara, I think it’s an absolutely beautiful name. I was informed when I was about 8 months pregnant that it was more of a man’s name way back in the day, but it’s such a pretty name..plus I battled for months to not let my fiance win by naming her Madison. I’d rather name her a “manly” name, than name her something that 5 of her future friends will be named. Plus, I wasn’t going to concede to the name battle. It’s good to know that your grandma had such a beautiful name..makes me feel better about my choice 🙂
Kimberly
I have a 35+ year old yoga teacher from Italy named Adehlei. She said when she first moved to the US her Starbucks name was A-deel-yah, because no one know how to pronounce it. She said only recently she started correcting people and is proud of her name. She will get a kick out if this!
Emily
My 11 month old, C is going through this phase right now! Normally he’s more than happy to go to anyone who wants to hold him but in the last few days he wants his mama, all.the.time. ACK! At first it was sweet and now I’m worried he’s going to cling to me like a baby panda for the rest of his life! haha!
Nicole
EMy daughter, Kendall, turned 2 last April and she is SUPER clingy. My son, Jake (who will be 5 on the 19th), was never clingy. Strange. Kendall is really bad about it, but like your situation she is with me all the time. Hopefully when school starts back (I am a teacher) and she goes back to preschool, it will solve this issue!
Rebekah
I am going thru this with my ten month old, Delilah. She doesn’t do this with her Daddy when he is home at night and I am running errands or something, but during the day when its just me and her she whines constantly if I am not right there with her. It is very exhausting. Another strange thing is, when she is in a room with my husband, and I am no where to be seen, she’s fine. But as soon as I come into the room….WHINE WHINE WHINE! I don’t understand it. I will definitely be trying out some of these tips!
mom of two
Zoey went through this for what seemed like FOREVER!!! and in phases.. but she was mostly clingy to me! I couldn’t walk out of the room without her right beside me.. so far the best cure has been the birth of our son! Since he has been around she is a daddy’s girl! But I would say around two is when she decided it was ok to go with other people. She now tells me that I should stay here, and that she is going with Daddy. So enjoy the cling because it will go away.. and then Chris will have to deal with it!.. hahaha!
Bhuvana
My daughter Maya, who is about a month younger than your Bean, is doing the same exact thing. Lots of clinging when she’s with me, and crying if I put her down. One night it got so bad that I ended up assembling a lasagna with her strapped in to the baby bjorn carrier. I’ve been trying to take the same approach you’ve outlined above, but it’s definitely tough. The tears when I drop her off at daycare are the worst. =(
Megan
Q-Tip started getting clingy and shy around 12 months. She would bury her head on me or look down when strangers talked to her. She is now 20 months and it is definitely starting to get better. I’m not sure that in the midst of it I made a decision to approach it one way or another. We’ve always encouraged independence and she is pretty independent now. But trust has always been a big deal to me. I have always tried to be very conscious of her trust in me and not to jeopardize it in any way. So when she has felt nervous around a stranger and buried her head I’ve encouraged her to say hi but never pushed it. When she is wanting me to hold her in certain situations I try the distraction thing but if she persists I pick her up. She’s always been one to come and go with me though and never really been a super clingy baby. Just in those moments of uncertainty when she feels she needs a little reassurance I give it and she gets what she needs and moves on.
I left her in the child care center at our gym for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I was nervous about it. Our church doesn’t have a nursery so we’ve never been in this situation before. Amazingly…she walked right into that room and never even looked back at me. When I went back in to get her…she was sitting looking at a book. She looked up at me and said…There’s mama and went right on looking at her book. I took that to mean she is secure and well adjusted and I need to get over MY fear and clinginess! lol… 🙂
It sounds like Beanie is an independent little man…he’ll get over this just like Q-Tip is. You’re a good mommy and I’m no expert but I think you’re doing a great job!
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
Heather in ND
Sounds like you’re doing a super job, Katie!! 🙂
Abby @ They Lend Me Their Hearts
My son has been clingy since birth! And it’s funny (well not really), his crankiest and clingiest time is at 4:00 just like Bean!
Katie, I just wanted to say you two are awesome parents. I have three kids, and do daycare, and have had many a parent walk through the door that just don’t have a clue how to deal with behaviors they don’t like (not that I have all of the answers!). Way to go!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
How did I cure The Klingon Stage?
I don’t remember.
It probably involved drinking.
Kidding!
No, I really don’t remember how I cured it but I do remember that it was one of my very least favorite stages of toddlerhood. Ugh.
Jenn
I am totally cool with this stage. They don’t stay babies for long, and I need to get in my cuddles while I can.
My 13mth old comes to the bathroom with me cos I can’t bear the crying outside. I figure its good for her potty training!
Latest research says the kids under 3 which are held, rocked, “coddled”, (some would say “spoiled”)the most are the ones which turn out to be the most independant 4 and 5yr olds. So in my opinion theres no need to try and train him out of it. You might be making it worse!
Katie
I totally think Bean would agree with you on the making it worse thing! 🙂
Tressa
Sounds like to me you have a great outlook on this “clingy” stage. I couldn’t offer any better advice then what I just read in your post! Besides, my kids are old enough my memory was gone long ago to remember the clingy stage 😉
You and Chris do a great job with Bean man! Do you ever get tired of hearing how stinkin adorable he is!?
MamaCas
I’m sure he’ll come out of it in due time…especially since you’re being so patient and understanding! All 4 of my kids went through it to varying degrees, but my last one seems to be the toughest one. She’s 3 now and starting to come out of her shell a bit. Obviously, she’s too heavy to carry a lot, so my solution is to say (in a very happy voice, so she thinks it’s a really good thing), “I can’t hold you right now, but I will hold your hand!” She didn’t like this solution at first, but she got used to it pretty quickly.
Ann G-B
My little man is clingy usually when something is wrong and I just need to figure it out. The worst is when it is a thousand degrees out!
Even though he just turned one, I figure I better get all the cuddling in that I can before he becomes a horrible teenager!
PS – I work at a college and have seen kids who didn’t know what a dog said. It wasn’t pretty…
Gina
I’m so glad to see that I’m not the only one who’s indulged a clingy baby. Eva’s almost a year and, if I’m around, will go to no one else and screams when I leave the room. My husband is over seas, so it’s just she and I and I am weak-willed when it comes to her! She cries, I get her. Couple this with not sleeping through the night and you’ve got one frazzled Momma. Going to have to go ahead and buckle down soon and let her cry a bit and go the distraction route..
Katie
Dude. You’re doing this alone while your husband serves overseas? You get to do whatever the crap you want, my friend. Hug that baby all you want! 🙂
Shannon
As many said, there is nothing wrong with a baby that clings. It is normal and natural because babies are needy. They are babies, and they are only babies for a very short amount of time. I personally think our society places too much value on having an “independent baby”. Isn’t that an oxymoron? I think many parents feel the need to brag about how independent their babies are as if it is a predictor of good parenting (Im not saying you are doing this, I have noticed this among other parents). I am a new reader of your blog, but I say respond in the way your parenting instincts tell you to and do what works for your family. My daughter is very attached, and I don’t worry about it at all. I know the love, nurturing, and attention I provide her now will give her the confidence she will need later.
jen morris
Your post made me laugh because my 2 year old cried when we leave her at the church nursery. Every. Single. Time. She’s been going there since she was 6 weeks old! What gives? On Sunday’s I try to talk up seeing all her friends. When we get there I try to trick her- “Look, Avery! There’s Chloe! Can you go give her a hug?!” Sometimes it works. Most of the time fail.
He’ll grow out of it. It’s so hard not to just hold them when they are clingy (aka, get nothing done because they are so sweet and you want to hang out on the couch all day snuggling)! He’ll get there!