Why I Could Never Marry a Vampire

(CAUTION:  This post is about Twilight.  Only read further if you have read the books, if you are interested in reading the books, or if you are absolutely sure you will not judge me because I have read the books.  It’s not my fault.  I blame the vampires.)

I am an avid reader.  I love books.  I love bookstores.  I love bookmarks.  I love bookends.  I. Love. Books.

Since having Bean, I have become pretty picky about what I read though.  My free time has become much more valuable to me because I don’t get it that often and so I find that I am a little choosey about what I read these days.  Consequently, I decided not to read the Twilight series of books because, well, I had better things to do with my time.

The first encounter I had with Twilight was a couple years ago when my cousin, Abby, and her friend, Kameesha, came to visit me and Chris in Connecticut.  At the time, I think Abby was 16-years-old maybe.  They came to stay with us because they had read this book, Twilight, and there was some kind of book release party for the second book that they wanted to go to in New York.

So, Chris and I took them to the city, dropped them at the arena, and we went out to dinner with my BFF, Emily, who lived in New York at that time.

For the rest of their visit, Abby and Kameesha poured over the second Twilight book.

I thought it was weird.  (Sorry, Abs)  But I chalked it up to some teenage thing that I just didn’t understand.  And then, years later, Abby was all grown up and a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding in April and I mentioned something to her about Twilight and even in her adult age, she swore I really needed to read those books.

So, this summer, I thought “What the heck…” and I picked up the first book in the series at my library.


Seriously.  I didn’t even really LIKE the thing.  The entire time I was reading it, the tiny feminist hairs on my head (which are super tiny because I’m not much of a feminist) stood up straight.  I kept thinking, “THIS is what we’re giving our teenage girls to read about relationships?!?!” And yet, I COULDN’T PUT THE DARN THING DOWN!  And when I finished it, I immediately put the second book on my waiting list at the library and when that became available, I READ THAT ONE, TOO!

Then, as I was waiting for the third book to be available at my library, I put the first two movies FIRST AND SECOND IN MY NETFLICKS QUE!  And yet, the entire time I was reading them and watching (both) movies, I kept saying to myself, “This is awful!  This is terrible!  I can’t believe this is so popular!  GIVE ME MORE!!!!!!!!!”

And that’s when I decided that those books have the literary equivalent of MSG pumped into them.  The more you read, the more you want.

Here’s what I have decided about why Twilight is so popular.  I think it’s about all-consuming love.  About love so passionate and so over-powering that we are helpless in its presence.  (I cannot believe I am writing seriously about a book on vampires.  Really.  This just feels silly.) I think as adults, we know that kind of love is ridiculous.  We have to be a partnership.  We have to work through things together.  We need a healthy balance.

BUT…I think a lot of people secretly wish that just for a little while, someone would take complete care of them.  Everything about them.  Make every decision for them.  Wouldn’t that make things just a lot easier sometimes?  And yet, we know that that would be so unhealthy and just…well…weird.  But, it’s still fun to read about it.

In reading these books, I have come up with a very definite list of reasons why I could never marry a vampire:

1.  My marriage could never survive if my husband could hear my inner thoughts, particularly on nights when he comes home from work and plants himself on the couch, not helping with the baby or dinner or bath time or bed time or anything. On those nights, my husband does NOT want to hear my inner thoughts.

2.  My husband needs to age appropriately.  If I grow old, he better grow older.

3.  I could never climb on someone’s back and let them speed walk with me.  I laughed out loud in the book when that happened.  I laughed out loud in the movie when that happened.  And if my husband ever honestly said to me, “Climb on my back and I’ll take us there,” I would laugh out loud again.  And probably have him committed somewhere.

4.  I could never be moody or brooding enough to marry a vampire.  I have no filter (SEE: The rest of this blog).  I don’t know how to hold my tongue.  I don’t know how to be coy or play mind games.  And, I don’t want to learn either.

5.  I don’t like cold skin.  Reminds me of chicken breasts.

6.  If my husband ever tried to tell me who I could be friends with, I’d punch him in his nose.  Which would inevitably lead to an argument.  Would leave probably lead to him becoming very angry.  Which would probably mean he would bite me.  And that’s always complicated when a vampire is involved.

7.  I could never be with someone who doesn’t love a good burrito and margarita every now and then.

8.  I live in Florida.  The Sunshine State.

9.  If I woke up in the middle of the night to find Chris staring at me as I slept, I’d make him move out.

10.  I love dogs.

So, you can see that I would never be able to marry a vampire.  Though, reading about them seems to be an acceptable substitute for me.  And now, I have to go.  My library just delivered Eclipse today and I have to go read the entire thing in 3 hours and mercilessly judge and yet simultaneously envy teenagers who turn into wolves and suck people’s blood.  That takes all my concentration, as you might imagine.

(Also, I can’t believe one of my blog posts is tagged with the word, “Vampires.”)

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