I think one of the most universal feelings mothers have is guilt. Most of us feel guilty as parents at some point. I feel guilty for the shortcuts I take when I’m too tired to be 100% on the job with Bean. I feel guilty that he’s in daycare. I feel guilty that I can’t afford to buy him new toys all the time. I feel guilty that sometimes I just need a little break. There’s always something to feel guilty for as a mother. It’s just part of the ride. I think the best we can hope for in that department is that the good we do each day outweighs the things we feel guilty for.
But that’s such a low standard to have.
And now I feel guilty again.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!?
I am officially twelve weeks pregnant now. The New Guy barely has all his fingers and toes yet and I’m already feeling the guilt increase exponentially by child. The problem with feeling guilty about an unborn wee one though is that I can’t really do too much to compensate for the guilt. I can’t spend more time with him (umm…hello? He’s INSIDE of me…Can’t spend much more time than that together). I can’t make his favorite meal (because he’ll just make me throw it up…party pooper…). I can’t rock him extra long before bed or give him extra kisses (no offense, New Guy…you’re kind of gooey and sticky right now and those ain’t ripe kissin’ conditions…). So, it seems to be getting a leeeetle bit harder to shake this guilty conscious.
The biggest guilt factor for me right now is the care I’m giving my little fetus betus.
My little fetal deetal.
My little fetal beatle.
When I found out I was pregnant, the biggest gray cloud hanging over the whole dang situation was that I didn’t have health insurance. How’s that for irresponsible? Chris was insured through his company, but their family coverage was outrageously expensive and we couldn’t afford it. So, Bean and I were covered through a private plan with a major health insurance provider. That way, we could go to the doctor if we needed, get prescriptions, and visit the hospital (God forbid there was ever a reason). What our coverage did not include was maternity, which we didn’t think was a problem since WE DIDN’T PLAN ON BEING IN THE FAMILY WAY ANYTIME SOON… Turns out, most private insurance plans didn’t offer maternity coverage which left me in a bit of a pickle. So, my first few visits to the doctor have been through the health department in our city.
And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.
If you should find yourself in that scary, uninsured place with a fetal beatle of your own on the way, don’t you worry a speck about the coverage offered by your local health department. I’ve received the same testing, the same treatments, the same ultrasounds, the same prescriptions, the same everything that I had when I had private insurance with Bean. That little baby in there in doing just fine medically and I feel 100% certain about that. So don’t you worry your pretty little head over it if you’re in the same boat.
What I feel guilty about is the stark difference between my pregnancy coverage NOW versus my pregnancy coverage with Bean. With Bean, I was covered through Yale University. I saw Yale University doctors. I delivered in Yale University’s hospital. And I can’t help but feel a smidge guilty that the New Guy is going to a health clinic while his big brother was rollin’ in the Ivy League health care system.
It’s the snob in me.
I can’t help it.
The good news is that with my new job (thank the Good Lord), I am back to regular coverage through a great HMO again and I can start going to a private doctor’s office. My pregnancy is covered and so that guilt is lessening a bit. But it’s still there in the irrational corner of my mind that holds ridiculously high standards for things. Now, it’s just leftover guilt.
Reheats beeeeutifully. (Name that movie…)
Another major source of guilt right now is that I’m so darn sick I worry all the time about the nutrients I’m getting – or, rather, not getting – to the New Guy. With Bean, no matter how sick I got (and it was nowhere as sick as this), I didn’t worry too much with nutrients because I had my prenatal vitamin to cover me. Anything I couldn’t keep down, I knew he got through that vitamin. But now, my prenatal vitamins make me sick as a dog. I take one and about ten minutes later I am violently ill. I think it’s cause there’s already nothing on my stomach and so all those nutrients just churn around in there…and they churn…and they churn…
Oh, man. Gotta talk about something else. Here comes the queasy.
Anyway, I have a doctors appointment next week and I’m going to talk to them about getting on a prescription prenatal vitamin because I’ve heard those are gentler on your system and I’m also going to talk to them about a prescription for being sick all the time.
But then I feel guilty about taking medications while I’m pregnant.
It’s a vicious cycle, ya’ll.
I think what I feel the most guilty about right now though is that I’m having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy. It’s not that I’m not so happy to have another baby. The baby part makes me giggle and glow and gush like a little girl.
Baby? Yes, please!
But I’m having a problem staying excited right now. With Bean, I just walked around happy and excited. I bought every baby item I found in newborn size.
(And can we just pause and talk about how newborn sized clothing is the most adorable thing ever? I’m not going to lie. I’ve thought about buying it before for Lucy and dressing her up in little ducky feety pajamas. But I think she’s really more of a 6-9 month size…)
With this pregnancy, there is just so much going on around me that I can’t seem to focus on it enough to get excited. I’ve got a new job, a new house, and – most importantly – BEAN! And that kid doesn’t slow down for anyone. Especially a little fetal deetal. So it’s hard for me to spend the hours I spent with my first pregnancy, laying on my couch after work just rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.
We also are just now getting back on our feet financially and there’s just not a lot of extra cash flow at the end of the day for me to go baby shopping (which always got me excited when I was pregnant with Bean). I haven’t bought one thing yet for this New Guy and I feel a little guilty that I’m not making more of a big deal about it.
Is that natural?
Am I normal?
Wait, let me rephrase that last question before you answer…
Well, that’s about it. My guilty conscious all laid out in Cyber Land. And you might think I would feel better after airing out these things. Journaling and talking through my problems and all that psycho mumbo jumbo…but I don’t really.
Actually, I feel guilty that I’ve admitted these things. What if the New Guy reads my blog? I mean, it’s not like he’s got much to do in there for the next six months. He might surf the web to keep himself busy. And now I’ve just admitted these awful things to him.
Guilt, guilt, guilt…