Since we moved to Florida in March, my body has been waking me up at 4:00am on the dot every single morning for one reason.
Moving is stressful. And apparently there just weren’t enough hours in the day for me to worry and so I would wake up early every day and just lay there. Worrying. I was worrying about not having a job. Then when I finally got a job, I started worrying about LOSING my job because I was pregnant. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I started waking up at night to worry about how I was doing at my job. Or, sometimes I’d worry about Bean – how he was doing in daycare, if that bug bite on his arm was from a mosquito with malaria, how to handle his temper tantrums the right way, and the list goes on. Or, I’d worry about money. Always the money. Since we’ve moved here and as I looked for a job, money has been tight. Super tight. Barely any left after bills are paid. And so I would lay there in bed worrying about bills, groceries, medical bills.
And then I got pregnant and a whole new window of worry opened up.
Last night, I woke up at 4:00am, right on the dot once again. And I laid there, waiting. And I waited. And then I waited some more. But no worries ever came. I had my same feeling of anxiety. My heart was racing, just like it does every morning when I start to worry. I could feel that same, familiar sense of dread coming over me. And yet, no worries ever came.
So, naturally, being the born worrier that I am, I began to worry that I was forgetting something. “Surely there is something major going on that I’m forgetting and that means I’ll drop the ball and then all hell will break loose…”
Very methodically, I went through every single area of my life and for the first time in eight months not a hair was out of place. Not a bill was unpaid, not an area unprepared. Work was good, Bean was good, I was feeling good, New Guy was doing good, Chris and I were doing good, our bills were paid, we even had extra money in the bank for the first time in so long, our new website was about to launch, I was (almost) caught up on all my emails.
Still not willing to let go of the worry, I got out of bed and went into our office. I checked for any notes I’d left myself, anything that I might have forgotten to take care of, anything that might be coming up that I wasn’t prepared for. But I didn’t find a single darn post-it note of anything that might not be settled.
So, I am confident now when I say for the first time since we moved to Florida, I am worry-free. Sure, there are things that we still need to do and there are loose ends to tie up – but won’t there always be? For now, I’m just counting my blessings that life isn’t kicking my butt right now. Actually, life’s being pretty good to me at the moment. And so tonight when I get into my cushy bed and curl up next to my sweetheart, I’m going to sleep peacefully knowing that we might not be moving forward in great strides yet, but at least we’re back on our feet and taking some baby steps forward.
And that’s a pretty good feeling.