I Need a Filter

Last night I had to go to the emergency room.

Don’t believe me?

Check out my cool new paper bracelet.

Photo 90

BAM!

How’s that for official? I think I’m going to wear it to school tomorrow and tell my kids they better be nice to me or I’ll end up back in the hospital and they’ll be stuck with a mean substitute.

I had to go to the ER because for the past two days I have had these sharp, shooting pains in my stomach. They were getting so bad that when they would start (they came and went), I would become short of breath and if I was standing, I’d get really lightheaded. Weird, huh?

So, I called my doctor who said that I needed to head to the hospital. Apparently sharp, shooting pains in pregnant bellies is nothing to mess around with. My good friend Sarah came to stay with Bean and then Chris and I headed up to the emergency room after work.

Any pregnant woman will tell you that a certain amount of pain in your abdomen is normal when you’re pregnant. Your insides are moving and your outsides are stretching and that’s bound to be painful at times. I know exactly what that pain feels like and I’ve been having it lately, but this was different. Turns out though that on your second time at this pregnant rodeo, that pain is worst if you’ve had a prior c-section because now it’s not just your muscles and organs that are moving around. Now, that scar tissue from your first c-section is actually tearing and shifting – hence that sharp, shooting pain that feels like someone is ripping me apart inside. They are!

The human body is a mysterious, masochistic thing.

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But all that medical mumbo jumbo is not what this post is all about. What this post is all about is that, apparently, I need a muzzle because I have no filter on my thoughts whatsoever.

WHAT-SO-EVER.

Tonight when the doctor came in to do his exam, there were about six people in the room with us. Nurses, students, attending doctors, residents – it was a packed house. Standing room only. Literally.

So, as they are all filling in the tiny little exam room (where, I should point out, I am sitting spread eagle in the middle of), one of the nurses says, “It’s a party in here!”

And I, having ZERO filter in my brain, automatically spit out, “It’s not a party till somebody spreads their legs!”

Seriously.

I said that.

In a GYNECOLOGICAL EXAM.

I thought Chris was going to either a) crawl under the exam table in embarrassment or b) leave me.

The doctors, however, died laughing. Thank goodness. Cause the only thing worse than what I said would be saying it and then having to sit in an awkward silence. But they were laughing pretty good. It was just me, laying on that table, dying a slow death of embarrassment and silently cursing my blog for giving me the stupid idea that people actually want to hear these thoughts in my head.

NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THOSE THOUGHTS, KATIE! NOBODY!

So, that was my night last night. Stomach pains, ER visit, highly inappropriate comment, Taco Bell, bedtime.

I think my work here is done.

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48 Thoughts to “I Need a Filter”

  1. But all the best stuff would be gone if you installed filters Katie. This was funny!

  2. I’m sure they enjoyed the comedy. πŸ™‚ Glad you are okay!

  3. Amy S.

    Sometimes you have to lose the filter when you’re in an uncomfortable situation. Nothing lightens the mood like an off the cuff remark. When I was in L&D for my son June 2009, they kept bring ing in all of this crazy equipment. The one thing that caught my eye was this huge flood light that didn’t look like it belonged in my room. When everyone started getting ready for “The Business”, I made a comment about the light and asked if everyone was going cave diving. I laughed, but I honestly can’t remember through the pain-filled haze if anyone else did. I still laugh about it.

  4. That is absolutely hysterical! I’m sure they appreciated your humor. Glad you’re okay!

  5. Heather in ND

    Bahaha! You’re great!

  6. Lisa

    Hahahaha, absolutely hilarious! I’m sure the doctors will remember your case for a long time! Anything to break up the mediocrity of a typical day, I’m sure they appreciated having a laugh.

  7. Ha. Every medical professional loves humor like that. You probably made that docs night.

    And nothing says lets get over my stomach pain like eating some taco bell. πŸ˜€

  8. Jen C

    We redheads tend to have a lack of filter. It makes my hubby just shake his head when i say crap like this. Glad you’re doing better!

  9. Personally, I love that Taco Bell was included after the ER.

  10. Sarah H.

    Haha. Awesome. Glad you’re OK!

  11. heather o.

    Glad to hear the visit went “well” but I had to LOL at you comment! Too funny!

  12. Nah, keep that filter off! Too funny!

  13. Laura

    I promise, you made the medical students and residents’ night (says the current resident)! If only all patients could have your sense of humor…

  14. teenage geek

    This post tells my I will be able to keep my sense of humor even when I’m a college graduate with a job and responsibilities and things like that. I’m happy now.

  15. Sarah C. H.

    Hahaha. I would have died laughing too.

  16. Nate's Mom

    That’s actually a pretty freakin’ funny comment! Those staff members are exhausted and working like crazy. My big sister is an OB/GYN and I can attest to the craziness that she goes through on those exhausting ER shifts. I bet it endeared those medical folks to you a bit more! πŸ™‚ Glad everything’s ok. Hang onto that bracelet – may it be your only ER souvenir from this pregnancy!

  17. Brittany

    So sorry to hear that you had to make a trip to the ER but this story just cracked me up! I could see me saying something similar with the same response from my husband but really in such an awkward situation a little joke can really relax things. Im glad you shared this moment and there wasnt that horrible awkward silence after your comment! lol

  18. Ashley

    Glad to hear you’re all right! That sounds pretty painful, but at least you’re okay and you’re able to joke about the experience. πŸ˜‰

  19. LOL! Just blame it on the pregnancy brain… πŸ˜‰

  20. Nova Kristin

    bwahahahaha that’s freakin’ hilarious!!!
    I am sorry you’re in pain and hope that eases for you.<3

  21. Nikki

    I’m glad to see that everything is okay! It’s so great to hear that other people sometimes lose their filter! I get in trouble with that from time to time for not only being a little to honest, but saying everything that I’m thinking!

  22. Tressa

    LMAO πŸ˜‰
    LOVE IT!!!!
    You and I are one and the same, talk then think!!! LOVE IT!! Spead their legs or some clothes come off…..either way, I guess you had that handled!! Hope your feeling better today without sharp pains.

  23. Robin

    Oh Katie, I just about peed in my pants. You are all sorts of awesome.

    See, my theory is that it needed to be said. If you didn’t say it, Chris would have thought some pod person took you over.

    That said, the doctors are probably still laughing about it and sharing it with all the other doctors.

  24. hahaha That’s a good one Katie. I like it. I have no filter either but I make no excuses. Just last night my husband and I attended our first baby birth prep class and during the “meditation relaxation” he made a fart joke and the two of us proceeded to giggle like 5 year olds through most of the “quiet” time. I’m not sure I’m mature enough for that class.

  25. What I say to my kids in those situations is, “Just think it – Don’t say it!”

    However, I’m glad you said it. It’s nice to know that medical personnel have a sense of humor.

  26. Katie, I love your uncensored thoughts. Super Glad to hear you and New Guy are all doing ok.

  27. that completely sounds like something that would come shooting out of my mouth! I had trouble reading the remainder of the post cause I was laughing so hard and couldn’t get rid of the tears in my eyes. thanks!

  28. Nona

    I think what you said is super. I am worried you ate Taco Bell, not that I am judging.

  29. I just spit out my coffee, reading this. Thanks for the laugh Katie! And please, leave the filter off!

  30. I don’t see the problem. I’m pretty sure my husband would have high-fived me if I had said that. I think it’s a great joke! Filters are overrated anyway.

  31. Oh Lordy, Katie! That’s a good one!!!

    I had that same problem with my 2nd pregnancy after having a C-section the first time & that’s what my doc told me as well. Glad there was no majors problems and that New Guy is alright!

  32. I think you have to have a sense of humor at those times (or at least I do because otherwise I start crying). And no filter makes for super entertaining blog posts πŸ™‚

  33. Katie Katie! I can;t believe you said that – ahhahahahahhaa. That’s a crazy thing about the scar tissue tearing – yike-a-rama. Didn’t know that. I learned something today. Thanks! (GLAD YOU & THE NEW GUY ARE OKAY!)

  34. Things that would have been even more awkward to say:

    1) Now this feels familiar.

    2) Is everyone ready for the scavenger hunt?

    3) Man, this hurts so bad I’m starting to think I’m pregnant.

    4) Dad?

  35. I went in for cryo surgery on my cervix and I asked the doctor if it would make me frigid. They laughed so hard they had to stop the procedure for a few moments.

    : )

  36. Kathie

    bahahaha!!! I had tears from this one! Sooo stinkin’ funny! So funny that I told my other half, and he too cracked up laughing! Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh!!

  37. Holly R

    If you didn’t live in Florida and I actually knew you in real life, you would be my best friend soul mate. I about died laughing…and I’m pretty sure it made the crowd of doctor’s (etc.) night!

  38. I’m still laughing, but happy to know that you are doing ok!

  39. LMBO! That’s hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. πŸ™‚

    I’m glad everything turned out to be okay.

  40. I am dying laughing right now. And I’m pretty sure I will be laughing all day. My students are going to think I’m crazy (which is probably the best way to ensure good behavior…they never know what I’m gonna do). Thanks for this.

  41. Amy

    Hahaha! Glad to hear that you & The New Guy are okay though.

  42. I think it’s fantastic. I’ll be laughing for a while, I think.
    I had crazy pains with my third pregnancy, and at the end of a few days I couldn’t even get out of bed, and if I did manage to I walked hunched over. I literally couldn’t stand up straight. My husband threw me the phone and said,”Call now.” Turns out I was constipated. Being pregnant is so! much! fun! I was never so glad to push something out. The baby, I mean.
    πŸ™‚

  43. Oh, thank you for sharing that, much to your hub’s chagrine. That was the best story ever. And it felt so good to laugh. Life is just a little more interesting when we DO share our thoughts, inappropriate or not, sometimes. πŸ˜€

  44. Oh dear Lord…that is totally something I would say…TOTALLY!!

    I’m so glad you blogged about this because I had a c-section with Q and I’ve never heard anyone talk about this before. Thanks for the warning!!

    πŸ™‚
    Megan

  45. Hilarious!

    & I love your blog!

  46. I vote for NO FILTER! Be who you are. I love it! It gives me GUSTO to be who I am and… just say it.. or write it.

  47. i hope that everything will turn out great, you are very amazing woman and I admire you. Cheer up beautiful preggy.

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