A Mother’s Heartthrob


I’m not a particularly emotional person. I mean, I cry at movies and those Folgers commercials where the soldier shows up on Christmas morning. But generally speaking, I’m not a mushy person. I write more emotionally than I speak and half the sweet stuff I write on this blog I’d never say to the people in person.

Which is kind of sad, actually.

Let’s think about what that means in my life for a moment…

Nevermind. Let’s not.

I FEEL emotions. I just don’t show them too often. Lately though my emotions seem to be in overdrive. Specifically my emotions dealing with Bean for some reason. I’m thinking it probably has something to do with coming closer to the arrival of Miss Gracie and worrying about how all of this new change is going to effect him. I’m sure that’s part of it. But a bigger part of it is knowing that when Gracie arrives, Bean won’t be the baby anymore. He’ll be the Big Brother.

And something about associating Bean with being a big boy makes my tear ducts leak.

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It started happening first when I went through all of Bean’s baby things about a month ago to pull out anything I could use for Gracie and to giveaway anything I wouldn’t be using. As big as Bean is getting, I still see him as my little baby. A little guy. But going through those newborn clothes and blankets and bottles and tiny blue socks made it impossible to face the fact that Bean is growing up so fast.

Afternoon nap with Mom

It happened again when I picked him up from daycare two weeks ago and he started crying when I said it was time to go. I know, I know… That’s a good sign. You want your child to be well adjusted and happy at daycare. Yadda, yadda, yadda. But it just about broke my heart right in two and, if I’m really honest, I might have actually teared up in the car when we left that day. Every day since then, Bean has cried. I’m interrupting him, apparently. Showing Ethan how to slide down the slide is clearly more fun than hugging Mom after a long day. Reading books in circle time is obviously more interesting than cuddling on Mom’s lap. And I AM happy that he’s so settled at his daycare and I DO feel good that he’s in a place he loves all day. But seeing this reaction just confirms that there are now other things in Bean’s little life outside of me and Chris. He has a world and a life away from us and even as small as that world is at 19-months-old, it still makes me sad.

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Then last night, Chris and I had a date night while Bean spent the night with my parents. Over dinner, Chris talked about how much he was looking forward to cheering for Bean on the sidelines at soccer or football or whatever. He talked about how much fun it would be to see him running around on that field and learning new things. And I am excited about those things, too. I can’t wait for that phase to start in Bean’s life. But there’s also a sadness that comes with that for me. Because if Bean is out on that field and I’m sitting on the sidelines, then how am I going to hold his hand???? If he falls down and skins his knee, how am I going to get to him in a nanosecond to apply Neosporin and butterfly kisses???? Or, even worse, if he misses a goal or some big play, how am I going to protect him and make him feel special and important????

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Logically, I know that these things are bound to happen. And I know that he’s only 19-months-old and most of these natural stages of independence will come gradually over time and that that will make them easier to handle. But when I’m sitting in the very rocking chair where I used to rock Bean to sleep and he’s sitting next to me working a puzzle perfectly and pointing out shapes and counting to ten, my tear ducts just can’t handle the truth! The truth is that Bean is growing up and while having Gracie Girl will give me that baby loving that I miss, it won’t be Bean that I’m rocking or feeding or swaddling in tiny blankets.

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And my hormones are having a hard time dealing with that at the moment.

*****

Today I am grateful for lessons that teach me patience.

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31 Thoughts to “A Mother’s Heartthrob”

  1. I can’t handle the adorable pictures of Bean as a baby!!! I don’t want him to grow up either!!

  2. My best friend, Aimee, has two boys, spaced just about the same as Bean and Gracie. I remember talking with her right before her second boy, Blake, arrived. She was sad. She was crying because Thatcher, her firstborn, was her best friend. He was growing by leaps and bounds and doing such fantastic things and she was there for every moment. They did it all together and she glowed with every new moment. And suddenly, with Blake’s arrival, she knew the whole world would change. When Blakey arrived, every fear was put to rest. Sure, things changed — but they changed for the better…in fact, they changed for the best. I think what you’re feeling is the normal path for every mom who’s gaining a second sweet babe while her first is still her baby. Hopefully, it will just make you appreciate moments with Bean all the more. We all can’t wait to see the “Big Brother Bean” celebration party that’s sure to ensue when Gracie Girl is born!

  3. aw, I couldn’t even imagine how you’re feeling…just know that I’m sure the hormones are playing a huge huge part in it, but also, you’re a great mother and you’ll always always be a big part of Bean’s life. I bet Bean is getting really excited to be a big brother, and I bet he’ll make a great one, too!

  4. It’s weird how it’s easier to write ‘mushy stuff’ on the www than to actually say it to someones face. I’m exactly the same – and it’s something I’m working on!!

  5. Lee Ann

    But, Katie, how wonderful that you realize what’s going on. Can you imagine not understanding yourself well enough to recognize what’s happening or why you’re feeling this way? Thanks for sharing.

  6. kk

    I was reading another blog that talked about the same topic. the 2 brothers are almost 2 years apart and the mother didn’t want the elder brother feel neglected so they spend more time playing with the older brother. Everytime they do so, the younger brother will crawl over and come play with the older brother and in the end, they all play together. Bean has grown up alot and I’m sure he will be a great big brother.

  7. Bless your sweet little heart! I can’t imagine what it is like, as I am not a mother yet, but I think your feelings are absolutely and completely normal! Although Bean is growing up and starting some very exciting and new journeys, think about how amazing it will be to see him begin the journey of being a big brother. I think seeing the love Gracie and Bean will have for each other will be the most heartwarming thing you’ll ever see.

  8. I just about cried in my oatmeal reading your post this morning. I remember wanting to spend every last second with my first born in the last few weeks before my second came along. She was 2 at the time and she started to get annoyed at my constant hugging and kissing. But, I had just spent the last 2 years loving her so much that I couldn’t stand the idea of someone else stealing some of that love, those kisses, those long hours in the rocking chair. That time belonged to her, and my hormones were making me cry all the time. So, I totally understand your emotions over Bean not being the baby anymore. I think it is just a sign of how good a mother you are to him, and how great of a mother you’ll be to Gracie when she joins the party.

    P.S. Be forwarned that those emotions get even more out of control in the few weeks after the second baby comes along. Good Luck!

  9. Katie- you made me cry throughout this whole post. With a 7 month old, I think about this all the time! Seeing you in those pictures when Bean was itty bitty makes me think of when my Elijah was that small and I get all blubbery and nostalgic.

  10. It is hard to let them go as they grow and become a more independant each day. My son is 13 and I still want to run out onto the soccer field if he makes a mistake and hug him so he doesn’t feel bad. I’m laughing now just thinking about what he would say to me if I did. haha. You have a huge world of excitement waiting for you to experience as they grow. Each day will be filled with something new and amazing. Trust me though, that both Bean and Gracie will always need you over the years in their own ways and watching them grow will make your heart swell with pride every day:)

  11. Ann G-B

    Easy solution……….. just keep popping out more babies!

  12. Beautiful pictures and words. Seasons of life can just be plain hard sometimes! Be gentle with yourself as you travel through this one.

  13. that folgers commercial makes me cry too. my dad makes fun of me, but it gets me EVERY TIME.

  14. A baby will always need their mommy no matter how old they get. I had to watch my baby become and older brother at 17 months and now I am pregnant with another little one and my other baby will be a big brother at 18 or 19 months… its crazy ho9w fast it happens but I still have so many snuggle times with my little men and they still need me and love me so much. Bean man will never stop wanting mommy snuggles. Just remember that he likely thinks of you millions of times a day and is secure enough because he knows you always come back for him so he can be upset or cry but he still always wants you. I know that will never change. Can anyone love like mommy and daddy?

  15. Jennifer

    How sweet! It’s great that you recognize these things and share them. My baby turns 9 yrs old on Thursday and I am already weepy just thinking about it. Heartthrob for sure!

  16. I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t get any better. There’s something to miss about every age and stage that makes them hard to let go of.

    Except 15. I’ll be more than happy to see 15 go by.

  17. this was such a sweet post Kate 🙂 and the vintage Bean pics are adorable

    browneyedandblessed.blogspot.com

  18. I love pics of infant Bean! Aww it seems like forever…to me…a stranger lol. I can’t wait to see pictures of baby Gracie. By the way, your quote today is awesome. I am such an impatient person (I’m 3 days part my due date and am so over being pregnant). I should probably look at this as a lesson in patience. *Sigh* Nope. Still don’t want to be pregnant anymore. Oh well. It was worth a try.

  19. Katie, I am an emotion person who wears her heart of her sleeve, and I just teared up while putting on my mascara, which is a little counter-productive but I don’t even care this morning. I’m not a mom yet, so I can’t even imagine what it’s like to watch your little one grow up. But I have a little sister who is ten years younger than me, so I have always had some maternal instincts ever since she was a baby. I’ve taught her how to count, tie her shoes, and to read. I helped her lose her first tooth and cuddled in bed with her at night when she was scared. Now she’s almost thirteen and asking about boys and how her body is changing. It’s just amazing to be part of so many seasons of life, but it’s also hard for me to let them go. I always want to be her hero, even though she’s already mine. Andddd now I’m tearing up again. 🙂 Thank you for reminding me how precious every day is

  20. Oh god, this made me cry. My little man is just 8 mths old and I already think all this stuff. Gah. I look forward to all the big boy stuff, but part of me just wants to freeze him as he is, too.

  21. Maren

    Mine is 11 (that’s years!, not months) and I think most of those thoughts almost daily. I’ve not had the chance, yet, to have another one, so I don’t know if that makes it worse or not. But I can totally completely and fully sympathize with you. It breaks my heart every single day that my ‘baby’ is growing up…and growing up without a sibling to play with. In fact, a baby brother was on his Christmas list…as it is almost every year.
    Anyway, this is about you, not me…and I just wanted to say I get it. Happy/excited about them growing up and learning new things, but bummed that they’re growing up.

  22. I have to say that one the hardest moments of motherhood so far was saying goodbye to my oldest son when we dropped him off to head to the hospital to have boy #2. My oldest and I were 2 peas in a pod, and we did so much together. While I knew that giving him a sibling would be a great gift in his life, that thought about how things would change, and that that was the last moment that HE would be my baby had me sobbing. He was 27 months old, so not too much older than bean will be when Gracie will arrive.

    I will say that my love for my oldest son has changed. I see him in a whole new light – he is independent, a great big brother who adores his little brother, and so incredibly understanding of MY feeling too now. It’s amazing.

  23. Corinn

    Katie, My son is 17 months old (almost 18) and I am a month behind you with our second baby (another boy) so we have had our kids pretty much at the same time! I am feeling EVERYTHING you just wrote. I also battle between feeling sad I won’t have as much alone time with this next wee one to snuggle and rest, to being sad Porter won’t be my only baby (or THE BABY) anymore. So many emotions!

  24. Ohhh, Katie, this made me tear up just a little bit (and I don’t even HAVE kids!). But I have to say, last weekend when I was home with my parents I crawled into my mom’s lap and she rocked me in her rocking chair (wedding stress, family stress, job stress – I feel like my whole life is crazy and all I wanted was my mom). So you never know when your kids might need more hugs – even when they’re 29!

  25. Lindsey

    UGH – I TOTALLY know what you mean!!!! I feel the exact same way about my little one. I have been dragging my feet on the whole “2nd baby” thing because I’m feeling the exact way you are. I hate that our kids have to grow up so INCREDIBLY fast. I want them to be small forever.

  26. I feel that way about my son when I stop and let myself acknowledge it. I love watching him grow up, and I love every new stage he goes through, but the idea of him getting older, of not being able to snuggle him, or rock him, man it can do a number on my mommy heart.

  27. Tressa

    Melt my heart, Katie!! I understand what your saying. A boy always as a special place in his heart for his Mama!! My son got married this past summer, so it seems now he is gone, but he’s really not. My daughter is almost 21. Now that girl, I can’t ever imagine NOT texting me everyday!!! LOVE that communication with her!!! Hang in there Katie, I think you will see how good is going to be once Gracie is here with the family 😉 And you see Beanie in the role as big brother. Your gonna be so proud of the both

  28. I know just how you feel. I remember hugging my 2 year-old on the way out the door to give birth to his little brother. I remember napping with the little brother and letting him feel the next little brother kick through my tummy. I watched all three of them leave for Basic training, and 2 of them leave for deployments. This weekend I watched as my last baby, now 15 going on 16 danced the waltz with her dad in The Sound of Music. And my perimenopausal hormones can’t handle it very much better than your pregnancy ones! Hang in there, because it doesn’t go away, but it does get better and better!

  29. I love the progression of photos in here – and the sentiment! I’m not even a mom yet and you brought a tear to my eye.

  30. Oh man, I feel ya… I’m not usually very emotional but having a baby has changed that a little. He is only 2 months old and I already get sad that he is growing up so fast. I even cried about him going away to college… I blame a country song about that one. Crazy hormones.

  31. Meghan

    A day or two before Colin was born, Emmett and I had one of the sweetest days together. It wasn’t anything particularly special, but I took him to the mall carousel, which was one of his favorite things to do (he had just turned 3). I remember riding that carousel with him thinking, “This is one of the last times it will be just him and me.” I was so excited for Colin to be born, and now I can’t imagine life without him, but I will always remember that sweet, special moment that was one of the last between just my first born and me. Before Gracie is born, make a point to have some special moments, just you and Bean. Gracie will only make your life better, but things do change when you have your second and it’s good to really soak in a few “last” moments with just Bean.

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