The Postpartum Me
Last year, I went through a few really rough months as we transitioned from our life in Connecticut to our new life in Florida. During that time, it was actually Chris who first noticed the signs of depression in me and who encouraged me to talk to my doctor, my family, and my minister about how I was feeling. Through talking about it, and even through blogging about it, I started recognizing those signs in myself and really paid attention to what was making me feel so low.
For me, depression was triggered by anxiety. Had we made the right decision to move? Would I ever find a job? How would we adjust to a new baby? Would there EVER be enough money? The more I worried, the deeper in my hole I crawled until my anxieties became irrational. That was a big turning point for me. I realized that it’s normal to worry and feel anxious (especially given the circumstances my family was going through), but when those anxieties and worries turned into irrational fears and concerns that really shouldn’t have crippled me like they did, I knew something was wrong.
One of the things I talked extensively about with my OB/GYN during my pregnancy with Gracie was how to recognize the symptoms of postpartum depression and what to do if I started to see signs of it after the birth. In the first few days after I had Gracie, I was really worried about PPD. I worried that it would infect this happy time for our family. And I was constantly stopping and analyzing how I felt or was acting and making sure I wasn’t slipping back into old habits.
One afternoon, our family was sitting up at the hospital with us. I was feeling pretty tired, but I knew they had all traveled from so far to be there that I didn’t want to ask them to go. I was hurting at my incision site and I knew my body just needed me to rest, but still I didn’t say anything. But then, I realized it had been over an hour since I’d gotten to hold Gracie. She had been passed around so that everyone had a chance to hold her and I didn’t want to interfere with everyone’s chance to spend time with her, so I hadn’t asked to see her. But she was only 24 hours old. I’d waited so long to see her and now I wasn’t even able to hold her when I wanted. Had I spoken up, they would have gladly given her back to me, I should point out. It was just Classic Katie – not saying anything until I reached my breaking point.
And my breaking point came without warning. Suddenly, I started crying right there in the middle of all the jokes and laughing and family time. I’m sure to everyone else, I seemed insane. I just spontaneously started crying. In about 2 seconds, the room cleared out and everyone went back to our house to give me time to rest. When it was just Chris, me, and Gracie in the room, I started crying even harder. This was it. I was sure. I was going to have to deal with PPD during one of the happiest times for our family. I was going to ruin it for everyone. That’s when I spoke to my doctor. During her rounds the next morning, I told her what happened and asked what I should do. She smiled, took my hand, and told me that everything was fine.
“Being hormonal does not mean your are depressed, Katie,” she said. “And you’re going to deal with some strong hormones in the next couple weeks as things settled back to normal.”
It was a huge relief to me. It was okay to feel those incredible highs and then those incredible lows in the days and weeks following Gracie’s birth. That was normal and just part of becoming un-pregnant again. My doctor reminded me of the things that triggered my depression to begin with – anxiety, irrational fears, and worries – and she said those were the things I needed to watch for this time around, too. But that I didn’t need to WORRY about them. So, I prayed, I talked to Chris, and I let it go.
So far, things have been really good for me since I’ve had Gracie. I’ve been happy. I’ve been sad. I’ve been tired. I’ve been excited. I’ve felt all the extreme emotions that any mom feels after they’ve given birth. And, more importantly, I haven’t had that cloud of impending doom hanging over me like I did before. In the past week, I have started the irrational fears thing again. I have this strange fear that something is going to happen to Bean. It’s probably because I’m so worried about how he’s going to feel during this transition time. Or maybe it’s just part of being the mother of two now – double the responsibility, double the fear. But I recognize this in myself because these are irrational fears. I know that in my head. I know that these things will not happen, but I still find myself awake at night worrying over and over about them, unable to let them go.
I know myself and I know that this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m entering another dark season, but I’m very aware of those feelings now. And unlike last time when I didn’t talk about anything until I was already in my hole, I’m being pretty upfront about it this time. I’ve been talking with Chris and my mom and I’ll probably even mention it to my doctor when I see her next. But, overall, I feel like this is just part of adjusting and readjusting to our new family of four.
At my darkest points, I thought I’d have to just get used to feeling sad and lonely and depressed for the rest of my life. Now that I “had” depression, I’d probably “have it” for the rest of my life. But I am so relieved and happy to find that that doesn’t have to be the case. I can feel all the emotions everyone else can and I don’t worry what that means. I don’t worry that being sad one day or becoming angry at Chris for something means anything more than being sad or being angry. Yes, I dealt with depression at one point in my life. But that doesn’t make me a victim of depression. And that is really something to be happy about.
*****
Today I am grateful for phone calls from my sister.
26 Comments
Jennifer
Happy to hear you are adjusting well to a family of four. And I’m happy to hear this time around you are recognizing the signs that something may be off and doing something about it and recognizing the difference between depression and just feeling every day emotions. Go Katie!
Lori @ I Can Grow People
My anxiety is tied into my depression too. I remember in those first 10 weeks with Porter, I could hardly sleep. I was exhausted, but I would lie awake worrying about him. I’m so glad that you are allowing yourself to feel these feelings–the good and the not so good. Depression–postpartum or not–is different for everyone. I encourage you to keep open communication with Chris, your doctor and the Lord.
Meghan
I love this post…especially the part that you said just because you were depressed doesn’t mean you always will be. Also a funny hormonal story…my son was two weeks old and I was pumping cause I couldn’t breast feed directly to him and I spilled the bottle that I had just pumped and just sat there and cried till my mom came in and helped me clean it, of course I think it’s very funny looking back at it but at the moment I thought it was the worst thing to ever happen lol.
Jen @ Caved In
I’m so glad you don’t have to battle ppd. I can tell you from experience it is a debilitating illness that I am still struggling with 3 months after Sullivan’s birth. Its better every day but I had a horrible first few weeks until I was diagnosed.
But there is nothing to prepare you for the hormone swing after birth. Then your hair falls out and that doesn’t seem fair either.
Jessica
Thank you so much, Katie, for sharing so transparently about your struggle with depression.
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
I’ve never had to deal with this so I can’t offer any words of wisdom or give good advice. Instead I’ll just say that I absolutely love how honest and real you are to yourself and all of us in this internet world. I’ve never had to deal with depression but the highs and lows that I experienced postpartum were terrifying to everyone, including me. But it doesn’t seem to end…just get a little more even.
Melissa W.
Katie- I am so glad u r able to recognize it much earlier this time… It can be a very scary thing to go thru. I had it pretty bad with my 1st one and was scared to tell anyone about it… Thankfully it was gone before I got back to the dr. so I didn’t have to do any meds or nething and I didnt have it with my 2nd… I don’t think I slowed down enough the 2nd time for it to take hold thank goodness. I will b praying for u… Keep being open and honest about it… U talking about it on here is sure to help someone else who doesn’t think they can talk about it.
Rebecca
One of the hardest things that I’ve had to overcome with my personality is not speaking up when I need to. I don’t voice my needs very well…which is incredibly weird because I voice everything else in my life just fine! But, when it comes to my needs and the wants or desires of somebody else….they always trump. And then, I crash. I cried almost every night the first week that Zoe was born, and then at a little over 2 weeks I had a complete meltdown for about 1 hour. I still have to work every day on voicing my needs…it’s ridiculous how easy it is to slip into old habits! Thanks for being transparent Katie…
Alaina
Depression is a tough thing….let alone going through all of the hormonal ups and downs. I’m glad that you are able to recognize the symptoms and learn to say “hey, I need to take a moment” when it hits. That’s something I struggle with so much with my depression and anxiety…it’s all about the coping skills” and it sounds like you’re doing pretty darn well at it. (If you want my opinion for what it’s worth…)
Hilary
I have dealt with PPD twice – once when my daughter was born, although I didn’t recognize it as PPD and again last year when my son was born. The second time was the most horrific experience I have ever been through. I waited and waited and waited until it was almost too late (for me) to pull myself out. I don’t tell you this to scare or worry you, only to let you know that you are doing the absolute RIGHT thing by staying open and honest about how you feel. Don’t let guilt or shame or “classic Katie” make you keep your emotions to yourself. You have an AMAZING family and obviously an incredible support system. They will hold you up the way mine did, whether it’s typical baby blues or something more serious. God bless!
rachaelhardin
I love you katie. We are all here with you
Life of a Doctor's Wife
Thank you so much for talking so openly about this. I have a feeling your experiences make a HUGE difference to people who may not know what PPD or depression feels like… or who may not have a strong support system.
So glad that you and your family are happy and healthy – and working to stay that way.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Good for you, Katie. You are a strong, beautiful mom, and we’ll be praying for you!
HeatherM
I just wanted to pipe in and say how much I love that first pic of you and Gracie in the post. It seriously belongs in a textbook as the definition for how a mom instinctively bonds with a new baby. The way you are holding her, at that distance of about a foot from your face (did you know that is the distance baby’s eyes can focus at when they are born), the look on your face as you look at her. You are such an awesome mama to your babies. It is so amazing how God gives us instincts (like what distance to hold the baby from our face when bonding) that we don’t even know why we do these things, but we do them out of nature, God-given instinct.
The other thing to remember is that there are irrational fears, healthy fears or concerns, and then instincts. Honestly, I think hormones cause you to operate out of instinct, and your instinct is to protect BOTH of your babies right now. You know that Bean is going through a challenging transitional time right now, and your instinct is to make sure he gets the support he needs to make it through this time in a healthy and happy way. But it seems like you are questioning whether you have it in you to meet the needs of both your children right now- particularly whether you can be there for Bean- Do you have it in you right now? Honestly, no you alone don’t have it in you. You just had surgery girl, and you have a new baby on top of that, you are not up to chasing an 1.5 year old yet, and sometimes kids his age really just need to run- and you can’t yet. But I think that when you get these really healthy concerns that come out of your instinct to protect your child, then this area (e.g. keeping up with him, or spending one-on-one time with him) is an area where you should be very intentional about asking for and accepting help into your life in this area specifically. So take this little red flag and go and act on it and utilize your support system while it’s early. Because it is always easier to address a problem (like depression) when it is super small, or better yet, when it is non-existent by avoiding it all together. When you avoid the problem and let it grow and grow and grow, it takes far more effort to get that problem under control than it would have if you just dealt with the problem early on- which you are doing this time, and which you did not do last time. Way to go Katie!
Sarah @TheExPatBride
PPD is such a taboo topic, good on you for being open about it. I’m sure you encouraged other women to be open and seek help as well!
Margaret
I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to solve your problem because it sounds like you’re processing it all really well. Also, I know you have tons of time and everything, with 2 little ones….All that being said, have you read Brooke Shields’ book ‘Down Came the Rain?’ It is really great. It’s a short read and a really honest account of her bouts with PPD. Really inspiring. Glad to hear things are going well!
Margaret @ Life in Transition
Honestly, I think that the irrational fears are definitely triggered by hormones. After Ezra was born I had these almost panics about these crazy scenarios that would happen – like bombs dropping on our house in suburban Philly – and I would plan all of these escape routes to make extra sure he would be safe. It was absolutely nuts – and totally hormone-driven. BUT on the other hand, I realized that I had to do something about it, so I prayed and I told my husband. I think you’re doing an amazing job of handling these crazy emotions! Just wanted to encourage you that it’s absolutely not unusual and that you can get through it with a little extra work and prayer!
Cindy In Owensboro, KY
Katie thank you for sharing some of your very personal feelings with all of us. I had some of those same feelings and still do from time to time. I started reading a very good book yesterday that I would highly recommend for you– “Calm my Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow.
Waiting for Bulgaria
After I had my son I was terrified of PPD. I began to worry (I’m a worrier) about it like crazy. I made myself so anxious that every little low made me think I was depressed. I’m also like you. I try to be superwoman. Three days after my c-section I was trying to do laundry. I refused to sleep during the day even though my son (who was premature) never had to eat every two hours around the clock. Finally at about three weeks post c-section I fell apart. I was so anxious and worried. I started balling, and you know what? My doctor, mom, and mother-in-law all laughed. Thanks for the support. They then all explained to me that I was normal and you know I felt immediately better. I stopped trying to be superwoman. I slept when the baby slept (obviously you can’t do that with the second one) and read and relaxed. I think you can worry yourself into something more than it is. I’m glad you’re doing so well. Enjoy yourself.
Ginny
I’m grateful for your phone calls too! And for the awareness you now have of yourself and your feelings. Only the happiest times lay ahead for all of us!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
I have to say that I’ve noticed a definite turn for the upbeat in your posts since you gave birth. If that’s any indication, I’d say you’re going to be fine.
Tressa
From reading your posts, I can see where your better mentally. I hope you stay on the same path your on. And always remember those by your side supporting you, Chris, your family and of us internet friends!!! We all love you 😉
Marie @ It's a Kind of Normal
Katie, I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that you’re doing ok, even better than ok. It sounds like you’ve really got a handle on it, and I’m so happy for you.
Ava
Hi Katie! I’ve been following your site for a while — all the way from Spain!! Thanks for sharing bits of your life everyday! I identify with you as a working mother. And I really admire you for your dedication in everything you do. You have a lot on your plate!! I felt anxious as you did before (and after) my second child. You are not alone! In the end, for myself those feelings have turned out to be a part of the ups and downs of motherhood. It wasn’t until my baby girl was a year old that I felt our family life reached stability. Relax and enjoy the ride!! Thanks again for your awesome blog!
Amy L Butler
I just love this blog soo much. No matter what the topic, what the day or time or when I read it, this blog always speaks to me. I love the honesty and reality of it all as well. Thank you soo much for sharing.
Kristina L
I so appreciate your transparency and honesty. So many blogs depict snippets of perfect lives with immaculate, beautifully designed houses and wonderwoman mothers. They’re inspiring to a point, but after a while make me (and probably many others) feel inferior. Honest blogs like yours are the most helpful and inspiring! We’re all in this adventure of life together, whatever ups and downs may come, and the more we share, the better we cope.