How My Sister Gives Me Strength
On Friday, Chris, me and the kiddies will pack up and head to meet my parents, my sister, and her husband, John Michael, at the beach for a long weekend together. It’s been planned for months and I’ve really been looking forward to it. But now, as the weekend approaches, I have to tell you that I’m a little nervous about it. Actually, I’m not nervous about the weekend. For the first time in my whole life, I’m nervous about seeing my sister.
Two weeks ago, my sister miscarried. She was 15 weeks pregnant.
I just wrote that last sentence and then sat here for 10 minutes trying to think of what to write next. And that’s the exact reason I am nervous about seeing Ginny. I just don’t know what to say to her.
She miscarried over the course of several days while she and John Michael were out in California on vacation. She was stuck in a hotel room, far from family, and going through such a horrific experience. When she finally was able to get on an airplane, she came home to her Atlanta doctor, who confirmed what Ginny had feared. She had miscarried. That day, as if things weren’t hard enough, Ginny had to go in for a D&C. When she woke up, John Michael and my dad were there, but it took Ginny a few minutes to understand what was going on.
“Wait, why am I here?” she asked.
And then she remembered. My dad said that he had never seen such raw emotion in a human being before as Ginny broke down there in the hospital.
Throughout those days, Ginny cried and cried and cried. And as I sat on the phone with her, thousands of miles away, I cried with her, but couldn’t form one supportive comment. Not one.
Because what do you say? What do you say to someone who loves kids more than her next breathe, who wants to be a mom more than anything else? What do you say when you’ve got two boxes of pink clothes all boxed up for your niece who won’t be here in December after all? What do you say to your best friend as she goes through such an incredible loss?
I love you?
I wish I could go through this for you?
I’m praying for you?
I’m sorry?
None of it makes what happened any easier. None of it repaints the nursery walls back to white or empties out the closet already filling with pink onesies. None of it seems to matter when the hurt was that deep and that raw.
And so, I sat very quietly and didn’t say anything to one of the most important people in my life as she went through one of the saddest times in her life. And I felt so ashamed about that. I still feel ashamed. That I can write and write and write and talk and talk and talk when it doesn’t matter, and then when it really does matter, there were just no words to be found.
I didn’t know what to say because I have no idea what she is going through. I can’t even imagine. And I didn’t know what to say because I was sad, too. Ginny’s pregnancy was a celebration for our whole family and so her miscarriage was a devastation for our whole family, too.
But you know who it was that finally gave me the strength to speak? It was Ginny. I was supposed to be the one lifting her up and instead, in true Ginny fashion, she taught me. She taught me how to really grieve for something. How to shut out the world and give yourself time. She taught me how to find strength in small, daily activities and how to look forward while still remembering the past. She taught me that laughter really does help, but only when you’re ready to laugh. And she taught – and is continuing to teach me – that every day we start over again, fresh, and even if we break down once or twice in that day, we get a redo tomorrow. She taught me what it really is to love the Lord so deeply that you can praise and thank him in the middle of such sadness.
But more than those things, she taught me the importance of our husbands. The importance of choosing well because you’re choosing someone to share your very high ups and your deepest downs. She taught me that in times of great sadness, it is the heart of our husbands that we turn to for support.
This was the first tragedy Ginny has experienced as a married woman and so it was the first time that she turned to someone other than her family to get her through. Though we were never far from her, I couldn’t be more grateful for John Michael’s presence in Ginny’s life and in our family. Knowing that he was the one to carry her through this made me worry just a bit less about her.
The love that they have for each other will make them wonderful parents one day.
We leave on Friday for the beach and my nerves are a bit on edge. I’m not sure what I’ll be able to say to Ginny when I can finally see her face to face. I’m not sure how she’ll react to seeing Bean and Gracie. I’m just not sure. But I know that if I stand there struggling with how to go forward, it will be my sweet, strong sister who shows me how it’s done.
123 Comments
Claire H
I am so sorry to hear this sad news, you have such a strong bond with your sister I am sure that whatever you say will be ok and not only that somethimes not saying anything and giving a hug and letting that person just talk is all it takes. I send my love and prayers for Ginny and John Michael at this difficult time Cxx
Sarah
This post made me well up with tears. It was heartfelt and touching. I am so very sorry for Ginny’s loss. I can’t even fathom what it would be like to endure that. I am sure once you are there face to face things will fall into place…. Maybe some tears, maybe some healing and hopefully a lot of happiness. Anyway, such a beautifully honest and touching post.
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
Oh man, this got me really choked up. I can’t say how sorry I am to hear about this loss. My prayers are with Ginny and her husband, and your whole family. I’m sure that being there with her will mean more than you can imagine. More than ever, she’s going to need all of you.
Jo
Oh Katie. This post was so beautifully written it made me cry. You don’t need to say anything, just hug her.
Nate's Mom @ Nate is Great
My heart goes out to Ginny and John Michael. I am so very grateful that she was willing to let you write about it — miscarriage is something that happens to so very many families and it’s still something that people tend to hide in their closets. For some, it’s an unfortunate part of trying to conceive a child. One of my dear friends miscarried in the doctor’s waiting room as she waited for her first appointment as a pregnant woman. My aunt miscarried five times, including twins, and carried four to term. And I know another woman who lost her babe one week before her due date; her child was strangled in the umbilical cord. By being open about it, Ginny will find others who have survived the same loss and will see that there is hope after loss, that her family love is even stronger, and that, yes, many babies in utero are “maybes” and are hard to count as babies until they’re in your arms. There’s nothing you can do to fix it but be there for sweet Ginny — and take her lead. Sometimes she’ll want to be normal and not be the girl who miscarried; sometimes she’ll just want to sit and cry; sometimes she’ll want to talk about it to no end. I think your family visit is a blessing and Bean and Gracie will give her cheer and hope. Wish I could reach through here and give you all a great big hug. I hope she knows that your whole readership is thinking of her and John Michael and your family, too. xxoo
Alaina
My heart breaks for your sister and your family. I pray that she continues to have strength and faith in the Lord and His plan for her and her family. And just being there is probably good enough for her – she knows you love her and that love will help her through.
Marie @ a kind of normal life
Katie I’m so so sorry for Ginny, John Michael and all your families. Don’t worry about seeing Ginny & not knowing what to say. Just give her a hug. She knows that even when you can’t think of anything to say that you are hurting for her, grieving for her & that more than anything you are there for her. Sometimes a hug can be better than talking. I’m sure this weekend will be full of highs & lows, tears & even laughter but most of all it will be full of love.
Angela
Don’t by any means be ashamed that you had nothing to say. I have had 3 miscarriages and, just 3 weeks ago, a still birth at just barely 20 weeks. No one knows what to say and, honestly, a lot of the things people say are kinda dumb or unintentionally hurtful. When your grief makes it to the reasonable stage again, you can appreciate their intent, but until then they are kinda hurtful. Honestly, you did the best thing you could do for her: sit and grieve together, even if it was from such a distance. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I had had someone who could do that without feeling the need to say something. I think the Jews actually have a name for it, sitting shiva.
Everyone is different, of course, but I can tell you how I’d want to be treated: like a normal human being. That doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge what she’s going through, especially if she brings it up. I just so often wind up feeling like the “3-headed grief monster” the way people shy away from me and from including me in normal conversation. The first little bit is rough for everyone, but you only have to see people and interact with them for the first time after something like this once. Afterwards, it gets much easier. The best thing you can do for your sister is love her and be there for her, even if for a little while it means just sitting in silence.
Betty
Katie. I am so sorry for Ginny’s loss. I cried and cried while reading this post. My sister went through something very similar. I am praying for her & JM, and for all of you this weekend.
Lisa
I am so sorry for Ginny, John MIchael and your family. The fact that you are there for her, no matter the distance is a comfort to her I’m sure.
Tressa
Katie, I have to cry and then pray for Ginny, JM and your whole family. Then I’ll be back to write a comment……
Amanda
I feel so sad for Ginny and her husband, and your entire family. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything – just hug her and be there with her!
Katrina
I am so sorry that your sister has had to endure this tragic expeience. I just went through this very same thing this past Thanksgiving. There are so many things that people said to me that they thought at the time were comforting or helpful, but they were not. Some of them were actually very hurtful and seemed like they were trying to diminish my hurt. Also, the people that didn’t say anything at all were the most hurtful. It’s like they just were able to forget the precious life I just lost. So, all that being said: the best things for you to say are “I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I love you, am here for you and will be here to listen.” Just let her know you care about her and her loss. Don’t ever say, “It was God’s will” or “at least it was early on” or “time heals all wounds”. Because all those are hurtful. Miscarriage changes you forever. You never get over it, but you get through it. I am happy to report that I am now 28 weeks pregnant after my loss last year. This baby will never replace that one, but I would not have this baby at all of the other were not in heaven.
Brittany (A Healthy Slice of Life)
I was wondering what could have happened when I saw posts on Ginny’s facebook wall, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask or say anything. My eyes are filled with tears as I read this and I’m sending so much love out to Ginny and JM. I know she’s going to make the best mom in the world one day.
Kristen
Beautifully written! I am so sad for Ginny. I am finally 23 weeks pregnant after 3 years of infertility struggles. You can just be there for her and hug her and make her laugh. She will be okay and so will the rest of you but she needs those hugs and smiles. One of the on urging that got me through my darkest days were the smiles of my nieces so time with bean and Gracie will probably be very therapeutic for her. Hugs, love and prayers to you all.
Nicole
What a hard thing to go through. I will be praying for her strength and trust in the Lord. In his infinite wisdom, he gives us these trials in order to refine us and make us stronger. I lost a pregnancy and had to have surgery to remove it as well as a D&C. It hurts to the bottom of your heart…a very heavy sorrow. It was very hard for me to see babies soon afterward and I avoided baby showers for a long time. As much as I know she loves your children, don’t be surprized if holding them makes her get choked up. However, myself being in that situation, you shouldn’t feel guity or ignore the issue. When I was ready, I talked more about it with my sisters and it was nice just having them listen. It is more of a private sister conversation rather than a big group thing though. I hated when people avoided me because they didn’t know what to say. You may not understand what it feels like, but that is okay. Yes, a hug is what she needs…and I’m sure she already knows how sad you are for her. Just act normal.
Megan Bee
This post was beautifully written! I rarely comment but felt that after reading that, I needed to. I have had 3 losses in the last 2 years and the best thing people can say is “I’m so sorry” followed by lots of hugs and just being there. People tend to struggle with what to say, when really all people want to hear is that they have someone that will help support them. I remember saying to my brother how I just wanted someone else to carry the burden for a while, because it is so hard. Knowing that she has people will be the greatest thing for Ginny to help her grieve and eventually heal. My heart goes out to her. Please tell her how many people are thinking about her. I am now lucky to say that I am just over 20 weeks pregnant after my losses. Though I still grieve for those babies, I will hopefully get to finally have a baby in my arms in a few months 🙂
Bonnie
Oh Katie! I’m so very sorry! Both for Ginny and you! It’s so hard to watch someone you love go through a tragidy. Going through training for a rape crisis assistance organization we were taught that sometimes “holding sacred space” is the best thing you can do for someone. To me that meant creating a safe place for someone to grieve in and standing guard over them so they could be vulnerable. I didn’t have to have any magic words that would make it all better. I just had to sit with them and “hold sacred space” for them to work through their grief. Good luck. You and Ginny (and John Michael) will be in my thoughts!
Cathy C.
I’m so sorry to hear that anyone has to go through something like that. But, I’m glad that she allowed you to write about it. I had a very early miscarriage in January and it was devastating. I felt very alone because miscarriage isn’t something people really discuss. I’m 21 weeks pregnant now and, despite the doctor’s reassurance that everything looks fine, still feel a little hesitant to buy anything or prepare for the baby in fear that I will jinx the pregnancy. Thank you so much for sharing.
Jennifer S
Such a sad thing for Ginny & your family. One of my best friends miscarried last fall and I, like you, did not know what to say. There are no words to make it better. I cried with her and prayed with her and in the end, all I could do was be there. If you haven’t heard it, there is a song by Watermark called “Glory Baby”. My friend listened to it on repeat as she grieved the lose of her baby. Maybe it will help Ginny too.
Cathy C.
I would also recommend the book Heaven is For Real. Although I read it months after my miscarriage, I found it very comforting.
Ann G-B
I am so sorry for your sister and her husband. It is so sad – there are very few things that painful. I hope they are able to find happiness soon.
Sara @ embrylovescookies
I am so sorry for your family. I cannot even imagine what Ginny and her husband must be going through. I just hope it is a comfort that so many people are praying for them and that so many readers have gone through the same thing and have come out the other side.
Laura B
Katie, my sister miscarried at 19 weeks about two and a half years ago. Since then she has miscarried at 6 weeks, two different times. I never feel like I know what to say and I never feel like I say enough. Once, I told her that. She said that I really don’t have to say anything other than that I’m sad, too and that I’m here for whatever she needs. I’m 500+ miles from her and yes, that makes it worse. But in the end, she’s just appreciative that I’m willing to listen, anytime. And that I cry right along with her. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss, I truly know just how hard it is.
Catherine M.
I am so sorry. Someone recently told me that the price of love is grief. Never so true as in those moments. I once read a series of letters between a group of women on Slate about miscarriage that was very thoughtful: http://www.slate.com/id/2077127/entry/2077168/. Maybe it’ll be of use for you and your sister. I’m sorry for your family’s loss and I hope Ginny and JM find hope for the future in their hearts. xo
Whitney
My heart breaks for Ginny. I never could imagine the hurt and pain she must be going through. One of my dearest friends just recently had a miscarriage and I am 33weeks along with twins. I had no idea what to say toner and felt guilty for immediately thanking God for protecting and growing my two little ones. My heart broke for my friend. I tried my bed to be there for her, bring her dinner for her family, cookies when only dessert will make you feel better, hugs and support, and tried to be someone she could talk to. I really think that is all you can do. It is such a hard thing for someone to go through because you lost a member of your family. I will be praying for you, your family and Ginny. Praying God will wrap His arms around each of you, love on you, and offer you peace and comfort that only comesfrom Him.
Jenna
My heart aches for your sister. But I am so encouraged in my own life for your words of strength about how to get through a loss. It’s one of the most difficult things to know how to do, no matter what it is. We know that God is in control. You are encouraging to everyone and to Ginny in their time of need; in your own special way. Sometimes presence is enough.
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I don’t have a lot of words, because I think in moments like this that words are not as great as actions. Prayers for your sister, JM, you and the rest of the family. Prayers for healing. Prayers for peace. Prayers for smiles and joy once again. And hugs. They aren’t in person hugs (though you are the perfect person to do that for her), but one thousand internet hugs.
SushiMama
I miscarried last week. I was not as far along as Ginny, but it’s ever easy to lose a child. There’s nothing to say that takes the pain away. There’s nothing to say when you’re on the other side either. All you can do is hurt along with her, and promise to never forget her little one.
Kathleen K
I’m the oldest of three girls and there is nothing worse than watching your sister go through something so horrible. I sat here and cried at my desk for Ginny and for you and both your families. The most important thing is that you are there. My sisters are the most comforting people to me in times of pain because even though they may not understand what I’m going through they are there and they have been there through the good times and the terrible times. I’m praying for you and for Ginny and I hope you all are able to find comfort and peace during in this awful hurt.
Alyssa
Oh Katie,
This post had me in tears. I’m so sorry for Ginny’s loss, and your whole family’s loss. I miscarried my first child just after 12 weeks. It’s horrible and being your first you question what if I can never have kids. My heart goes out to all women who miscarry but especially those that lose their first baby. It’s scary and it changes your pregnancies there after. I don’t think Ginny needs any special words from you just knowing you love her and are there for her will be enough. It is such a hard hard thing to get through. It’s been 3 years since my miscarriage and now I have 2 healthy happy babies but I always think about my baby that I’ll never know. I also know that God won’t give you more than you can handle, there was a reason for me to experience that loss and then have my two wonderful kids that I have now. I might now agree or understand but its his plan. Please don’t treat your sister any different, don’t be afraid to hug her and cry with her and tell her how much you’re hurting too. I appreciated it much more when people did that with me rather than being stand-offish, they made me feel like I let them down when they didn’t tell me how they were feeling. Again I am so sorry that she has to go through this.
Natalie @ Queen of Whirled
Oh Katie, My heart just aches for Ginny. I lost my first pregnancy at 13 weeks and it is heart wrenching. The pain diminishes with time and for me, the best thing was to have my friends and family around and acting normally. There is something about a miscarriage that makes you feel broken and like a failure. And anything that made me feel more normal was so helpful. And hearing other people’s stories, especially those who went on to have healthy children, was encouraging.
Ginny will really need your support when she gets pregnant again. I remember a constant an overwhelming anxiety at every twinge, that it would be the end. I even rented a doppler at 12 weeks so that I could check the heartbeat every day.
Kelly
I so sorry for Ginny’s loss. Two days after we found out we were pregnant, my close friend miscarried. It was so hard to find the right words to say to her. Mostly,I just listened, let her cry and hugged her. I didn’t know what to say for the longest time. Eventually, somehow I got the right words out. It was even harder weeks later, I told her I was pregnant. We both cried again. All you havetodo isle there for Ginny. Let her talk about it on her terms and hold her when she cries. She knows you love her and that you are therefor her…and sometimes that’s better than anything you can say.
Waiting for Bulgaria
I’m so so sorry for Ginny. This made me cry because as an older sister to a younger sister that I love so much, I understand how hard this must be for you. I tend to stuff emotions down, but my when my sister is hurting she puts it all out there. I often find myself speechless much like you did. Ginny loves you, and she knows you love her. Even if you can’t find the words behind “I’m sorry” just hug her and be there for her. I’m sure you’ll find that you bring more comfort by your presence than you ever imagined.
Christina
I’m so sorry for your sister’s and your entire family’s loss. While my own family has never experienced that kind of tragedy, I do know that there are so many times when words have little meaning and cannot help to ease the pain your sister is feeling. Though you may have said nothing, your actions are what will help her. Your long calls of just listening help more than anything you could say would. I will say a prayer for your family today, that you may somehow find the inner strength and the strength from one another to somehow get through this devastating situation.
Jen @ Caved In
Oh Katie, my thoughts and prayers are with you, Ginny, JM and your families. I have never dealt with a miscarriage myself but, like so many others here, have friends who have miscarried. One told me the worst thing people said to her was “it just wasn’t meant to be”. She said she just wanted hugs and to know she’s loved and she would talk about it when she was ready. Of course everyone is different. I am so saddened by Ginny’s loss and hope she can find solace in God, her faith, and her family.
Holly
Gosh I’m, so sorry for her and your family. I have been in that situation with my sister and know that feeling you are talking about. I’d like to think that just listening and giving as much of your time to do that helps a little. hope yall enjoy your vacation and give lots of hugs.
Katy @ MonsterProof
I’m so sorry, but so glad she has strength, and a wonderful husband and sister.
Ella
Im so sorry for Ginnys and JMs loss. I can relate when you wrote that you dont know what to say – in January of this year, i lost a daughter, she was 19 and wss struck down by a nasty illness which left her in a coma and on life support, nothing could be done for her. Its so hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a child. Ive encountered that many times over the past few months. The best thing you can do is allow the grieving person to talk about their loss, just be with them. Once again im so sorry for whats happened and will keep your family in my prayers. xxxx
Julia
I am so sorry for Ginny and JM’s loss and for your whole family’s loss. julie
Bec
My heart goes out to Ginny and her husband. She is lucky to have a sister like you. I will never forget when I went to my husbands grandmother’s funeral..she was quite old, in her 80’s. The last one through the line at the visitation was her sister. There was something in that site that I will never forget…it was pure sisterly emotion like I’ve never seen before. I have two sisters of my own so I could relate to that old woman in that fashion. I’m not really going anywhere with this, except that the power of sisterly love is like no other…you two will get through this just fine.
Rachel
Oh Katie, I’m so, so sorry to hear this sad news, it’s such an awful thing to happen to Ginny and your family. As for what to say to her, sometimes actions speak louder than words, maybe you don’t need to say anything, but just give her the biggest hug you can and let her know that you’re there for her that way. I hope that Ginny and John Michael take comfort from the enormous amount of support your family give and I’m praying for their happiness in this difficult time.
Becca
Oh God, I’m crying. I am so sorry that Ginny and JM had to go through this awful, awful thing. Know that there isn’t really anything you will be able to say that will make it easier on her. Tell her you love her and that you are always there for her. That’s all she will need from you.
I have also had a friend that lost her baby when she was 24 weeks along. It was so horrible. I told her that I wish there was something I could do but the only thing I could offer was a shoulder to cry on and an ear to always listen. Most of the people that worked with us (she was a coworker) completely pretended nothing happened and I think that was the hardest for her.
Have a wonderful, laughter filled weekend and I bet that will help her more than you think!
Amber
Hugs to Ginny and John Michael. I wish them strength in this horrific time. I cried for them. I feel like I know you all.
Jes Cady
You are right Katie, there is nothing to say or do that will make this better. All you can do is burden with your sister and cry with her. It is very easy to get lost in the despair of these type of tragedies but it sounds like your sister is finding strength and hope in the Lord. Prayers and hugs to your sister, to you, and your family.
Lindsey
This totally broke my heart. I have been through four miscarriages so I have a taste of what Ginny is going through – but how incredibly heartbreaking to be THAT pregnant and have it taken away. Don’t worry about saying the right thing – or anything for that matter. There isn’t anything you can say to make the pain go away – you are doing everything right Katie! She knows how much you love her and how much you hurt for her. That alone is all she needs. My prayers are with her and John Michael – I wish them every bit of happiness. They will be wonderful parents.
Alyssa
There are no words for this kind of loss. Hugs and time spent together just sitting quietly might help alleviate her loneliness. I’m 11 weeks pregnant and this is my worst fear. I’m terrified to buy anything for the baby or do anything planning wise for the baby. I opened the post and cried and then I vomited. I just can’t even imagine. I will add Ginny to our church prayer list.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
My heart and prayers go out to Ginny, JM, and your family. I read an article in Family Foundations recently on what to say and what not to say when someone you know miscarries. I can’t find a link online, but what I remember is that you should say things like I love you and not things like I’m sure you’ll have kids one day (sadly, you don’t know that for sure), or you can always adopt, or–the worst–you can have mine! Eek! I hope a big sister hug and some Beanie antics of some sort will help you both smile. Have a blessed weekend!
Maureen
I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss. Recently, a college friend of mine lost her 10 month old daughter unexpectedly, and I’m having a hard time deciding what to say to her, if anything. It’s such a tough subject to discuss, but I think that she’ll appreciate anything you say or do because you’re her sister and that’s all that really matters.
Lisa
I’m so sorry and will be praying for all of you. Hope this weekend is healing for your family.
debbie
The r house did an amazing series on pregnancy lost last week. I don’t know the proper words for Ginny, but I am sending her and John Michael my love.
Katherine
Ginny is so lucky to have you and the rest of her family and friends around her right now – we are all thinking of her and JM, and know that this week spent together will be wonderful for all of you at this moment in your lives! XOXOX
stacy
you are an inspiration to all sisters out here! Thank you for reminding me about how much i love an appreciate my own sister!!
Anna @ Breaking Up WIth Burgers
Sending love to Ginny, John Michael and the whole family during this horrible time. I’m sure your family’s faith, strength, and abiding love will help you all get through. I’m sending out good thoughts and well wishes to you all!
Michelle
I’m so sorry for Ginny and JM’s loss.
It amazes me, though, how common this actually is. I never realized until my friends and family started getting pregnant, how often this happens. My grandmother even shared her miscarriage story with me and my father had no idea because you just didn’t talk about those kinds of things in the 50s and 60s.
I think that sometimes (and in this case, most certainly) words are not always necessary. I think the greatest comfort you can offer Ginny at this time is to just be there for her. Your family is very close, so I think just knowing that she has everyone’s love and support will do wonders to help her through this time.
My sister-in-law miscarried in January, but we just found on on Tuesday that she has a healthy baby girl in the making that will join our family around Thanksgiving.
I will keep Ginny and JM in my prayers in hopes that they will be able to get pregnant again soon.
Lauren S.
Ugh, I am so sorry. That really is such a hard thing. But you know, your loss for words isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Don’t worry about having the perfect words, because there aren’t any perfect words. When Job lost everything, his friends came and just sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights, grieving with him. I think often times that is the best support you can offer. Just grieving with them. Here is a really great resource on how to love and comfort those who have lost a child: http://hopemommies.org/friends
I’ve found it to be really helpful. I would encourage anyone who knows someone going through infant loss or miscarriage to check it out.
Lissa
I’m so sad for your sister. It’s better to say nothing at all and lend an ear, than to say the wrong thing, you know? Maybe a little necklace and charm for her to remember her baby by would be nice?
80
I love your posts about sisters (I have 4 of them!) so I was excited when I saw on twitter you had written about her. Never would I had imagined it contained this content. My heart breaks for Ginny! Praying for her and you as you two draw on the strenght of sisters to get through this difficult time.
Candice
This made me cry this morning and I’ve spent hours thinking on and off what to comment. I’m so sad for your sister and I think it’s times like this, times when we English major folks can’t find the words we need, that we feel so extra helpless. There might not be words for your sister right now, though – maybe just hugs and love and support and presence. Just be there for her. That’s probably the best thing possible.
Lauren
I’m so very sorry for your sister’s loss and for the loss of your whole family. My friend recently lost her baby girl at 14 weeks and blogged afterward about her while experience with it and going trough a D&C. If you think it will help, please share it with your sister: http://prettylittlemommythings.blogspot.com
Thinking about all of you…
Jenny @ Fondant is Gross
I’m so sorry for Ginny and JM, and for your whole family. I don’t know what else to say, but know that your community that you have built here cries with you all as well. A few years ago I learned my mother had miscarried when I was 5 or 6 while my parents were trying to conceive what is now my baby brother (who is 16 now). Even though I was in my early twenties when I found out, I still felt a keen sense of loss. The dark days will get lighter, just give her a huge hug from you, from all of us and know we are all thinking about your whole family and giving you support from all over.
Caitlin {Pacifier In My Pocket}
First, I’m so sorry for your sister. A miscarriage is a terrible, horrible thing to happen to anyone (and I’m speaking from experience).
To be honest, with few exceptions, it doesn’t matter WHAT you say. It matters that you are there, that she knows you care for her, that you offer to listen.
I’ll offer up my advice from having gone through this, but the easiest way to know what help to give Ginny is to ask her directly. That being said, here’s my thoughts. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask if and how she wants to remember her baby. Some people want to plant something like a tree to have a tangible thing to remember the baby by. For me, I bought myself a necklace and I wore it every day for a month. It helped to have a touchstone on the hardest days.
The really important thing is to not stop talking about it with her (to her comfort level obviously). People stop asking about it after a few weeks because they don’t want to “make you sad” or “make you think about it”. She’s already thinking about it, she is probably already sad, so ask.
Treat Ginny the way you would treat her if any terrible thing happened to her but don’t get so focused on the right words that you don’t reach out. You have a great opportunity on your trip to comfort her in person, which is help.
There are also TONS of resources online about helping other cope with miscarriage, it may be good to look through some of them to make you feel more comfortable before you see her.
Anna
My heart goes out for the loss felt by your sister and your entire family. Every person grieves in a different way but for me, the best thing a person could say was simply to acknowledge the loss. The hardest part about a miscarriage is that it’s a death that no one sees/acknowledges. I miscarried right before Christmas and while I didn’t want to talk about it with everyone, I also was grieving and upset that very few people acknowledged that things were different. There are no right words, just letting your sister know that you are there for her if she wants to talk (leaving it up to her) and also just recognizing that this is a loss – those were the things that made me feel the most cared about.
An article that I feel sums up the best ways to support someone after a miscarriage can be found over at Unspoken Grief (http://unspokengrief.com/2011/01/21/how-to-help-someone-whos-had-a-miscarriage/).
Once again, I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss and for the loss that brings to your entire family.
Rachel
So sorry to hear this. I miscarried twice, while it seemed like everyone I knew was having babies without any trouble, including all 3 of my sister-in-laws. Hubby & had dated in high school, married 4 years later, waited 3 yrs to get settled in a house & then tried to start a family. All 3 of my sil’s had very different stories about their relationships than my “the way it is ‘supposed’ to be done” version. My first miscarriage was the weekend of my brother’s wedding. My advice for you is to just tell Ginny you don’t know what to say, but that you are truly sorry for her loss. Don’t say “gods will” “meant to be” or “you’ll get pregnant again”. Hugs, love & just being there will help her immensely. Bean & Gracie may be just the healing she needs, or may be difficult reminders for her, and I’m sure she doesn’t even know how she will feel around them yet. Let her decide. First seeing them may be hard & then an hour later fine, or vice versa. Fifteen years later, I still grieve for the babies I lost (my husband has always hated that term, if we lost them we could find them & get them back). My husband said something recently that made me think he no longer thinks that was a difficult thing to go through because of the time we’ve had to heal, and now we have 2 healthy beautiful children. He also didn’t notice that for MONTHS every woman we would see when out shopping would be HUGELY pregnant. I’d get to the car & break down & he’d ask why I was crying. I’d say because of all the pg woman we saw and it’s unfair. Then he’d say something like “what pregnant women? I didn’t see any.” He wasn’t trying to be funny, he truely didn’t notice them! He was supportive, but everyone grieves differently, and men are from Mars for sure! Hugs to your entire family.
Jenna
I’m so sad to hear this, Katie … I’m thinking about you and your family as you go into this weekend together. I can’t imagine the difficulty of not knowing how to support someone so close to you through something like this. I will pray that God gives you the words and actions, and that it won’t matter what you say as much as how Ginny knows you love her.
Jenna
Many prayers for your sister and everyone in your family. I can’t imagine the sadness, and I think that is why it is so hard for people to console others sometimes. I’ve learned that (for me) just hugging that person and telling them that you love them (and really really meaning it) is the best I can do when someone I love is hurting. That and prayers.
Kristen
Sometimes it’s not finding the perfect thing to say, it’s finding the perfect way to be there. There are times when there is nothing that can possibly be said to alleviate the pain, the sadness, the difficulty and in those moments what is most needed is the comfort of just being with someone. I think you on the phone with your sister crying with her and feeling her pain was exactly what she needed. If and when there is something to say that can help, those words will come to you. Until then, you can sit on the couch with her, hug her, cry with her, and begin to smile with her this weekend.
Ann C
I’m so sorry to hear this. As much as I hurt for Ginny, I also hurt for you. I am 35 weeks pregnant today, and I have two sisters-in-law going through hell. One had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last Tuesday and the other is suffering through failed (and expensive) fertility treatments. I can empathize with you on the awkwardness of your situation. (As much as you want to be there for her, you kinda feel like you can’t say the right thing.) If I were in her shoes, I’d welcome a listening ear, change of scenery (the beach!) and a glass (or several) of my favorite red wine each night. {My best friend lost a baby at 15 weeks last fall, and I called her every day for four weeks. Everyday I told her she had to talk to me and tell her how she was feeling, for better or worse -and if even for only 2 minutes. She recently told me that was very helpful, that I allowed her to be honest with herself (as well as her husband & me), and that she didn’t have to say “I’m doing fine” on days she wasn’t.}
Melanie
Oh, wow, Katie. I had a visceral reaction to your post today. Such incredible sadness for all involved. You mention that you feel inadequate to support your sister verbally; however, it seems that when an issue is so incredibly close to our heart, we are often unable to verbalize the intensity of our feelings. What you are experiencing is completely natural and speaks to the level of grief and concern you are having. Sometimes it is not the spoken word that comforts so much as just being there– really being there with the person in silence while they grieve. My prayers are with you all.
Casey
I am a lot like you in these situations. I just don’t know what to say. My best friend’s dad passed away when we were 20 and I still feel guilty for not saying more than I did to her. I just didn’t have words to console her.
I think one of the most important things you can do for Ginny is to hug her. Hug her when you see her and just tell her that you love her.
Tressa
Katie, I’m so very sorry for Ginny, JM and all of both families. I’m like you as well. I do not know what to say to people hurting. Funerals, miscarriages, life long family pets. I flat out don’t know what to say. I just cry with them. I cried for you all today. You share so much of your personal life, that I feel like I know you. I hurt when my friends hurt, even internet friends. I think this weekend might just be what Ginny & JM need, family to hug and love them in person. Cry and laugh together. I bet she will hug Bean man and Gracie a tad bit harder this time. I’m so sorry. Please let her know your internet friends are praying for her and JM. And she is so right about choosing the right man to spend forever with. They are the rock when we need them the most. I’m thankful that Ginny and you have the rock in your life.
Trish
Beautifully written. I lost my sister a few years ago to ovarian cancer and miss her as much today as I did the day she passed away. My son was young when we lost her…he said..”Mom..why is everyone crying? Today is a good day. She’s with Jesus now.”…out of the mouth of babes.
So, love on your sister..cry with her..laugh with her. I think it’s going to be much easier than you realize. Take care and enjoy your time with your family. My guess is that she will actually find comfort in just being with her big sister and your kids.
My prayers and thoughts are with all of you. Take care.
Carrie
I never post, just a casual reader but felt compelled to comment. First my heartfelt sympathy goes out to Ginny and JM. I had a miscarriage last year and it was by far the most difficult experience of my life. So many posters have offered good advice. Just being present for her and saying “i love you” is the most important thing you can do. Also, remember to check up on her in a few weeks. I felt as if people had forgotten my pain or expected me to magically feel better in a few short weeks. No one asked me how I was doing or if they did, I didn’t feel that they wanted to hear the answer. Ask her how she is feeling and want to know the answer, good or bad. The worst thing you can do is pretend it didn’t happen. I know you’ll be supportive. My brother drove home to be with us the weekend after and we never talked about it, but just his presence was helpful. On the opposite end of the spectrum my brother in law never once said a word to me and my feelings were deeply hurt. Thank you for writing about such a difficult, sensitive topic. Ginny — you are not alone. Big Hugs!
Karah
I wanted to tell you that I had a miscarriage before I had my two beautiful children. It happens a lot more often than you would think. I just want to encourage you and Jenny, she is probably fine and next year she will probably look back on this time while expecting or even holding a new baby in her arms. I know that kind of grief and it makes me tear up to think about it but God used the experience to change my life and my walk with Him!
eliz@thesweetlife
Oh wow–I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Beautifully written post–you can feel your love for your sister, your husband, and your God right through your words.
tayarra
What I would have wanted in the deepest grief of my miscarriage in this situation….
Hug her. The second you see her drop everything and hug her so tight and mean it with all of your heart. Don’t let go until you feel like it is time to let go. Don’t let pride, or shameful feelings, or vulnerability talk you out of letting go of that hug. You don’t have to say a word. The hug says it all.
No one knows what to say or how to react, but this is what I would have wanted. My sister was with me when I got the news that I miscarried at 12 weeks and so was my mom. From that experience I remember my sister being emotionless. I could tell she was worried. I could tell she cared, but the fear in her mind of not knowing what to do hurt a little. Just a hug. Just a wrinkled brow. Just sadness in her eyes would have spoken volumes in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I love her. She supports me, but she let her fear get in the way. I don’t hold it against her, but in the moment that is what I was feeling. I felt completely alone. Completely awkward just laying there crying over the news.
The words will come later.
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this experience. It does hurt and affect everyone. When the time is right have her read this, but only when she is ready. She will cherish it. You all will probably be amazed at how much closer you will probably become through this.
God Bless!
Amy @ A Little Nosh
The love you have for your sister just amazes me every time you talk about her. I’m so sorry for her loss, for everyone’s loss. So many of us have been through this (myself included) and it hurts so bad, but all you can do is be there. She’ll talk when she wants to talk, and you’ll just need to listen. That’s all you can do for her. She’ll make it out the other end, especially with a husband like hers, and a family like yours.
I had my son one year after having a miscarriage. It happens so often, but nobody knows that because they don’t talk about it. It amazes me how many people came out and said, “I had one (or two or three) also” after I went public with our loss. Knowing that really helped me a lot.
Cindy
I’m so sorry to hear about Ginny’s loss. You are such a good big sister.
Jessica M
I cried as I read. Your family will be in my prayers.
Margaret
Ugh, I’m currently 17 weeks preggo and my heart just sunk for Ginny when I read this. I hope she knows that even though she’s a sister, there are lots of people holding her up in prayer. What an awful experience.
Abby
I too am someone who never makes comments on your blog, but today I just have to say that I am in awe of the strength of my fellow readers who have shared their stories of miscarriage and my heart reaches out to each one of you (Ginny included!). Our culture doesn’t talk about this enough and women are supposed to grieve behind closed doors because it’s too uncomfortable for everyone else. I am encouraged to see so many women sharing their stories here — and I hope that it will bring comfort in the reminder that we are not alone.
Kristin H
My heart goes out to Ginny and JM. I’m so glad they have each other to hold onto and such a strong, supportive family behind them.
meegan
Just hug her. I am infertile, and I recently went through this same thing with my sister. She was 24 weeks pregnant, the baby had stopped developing and she had to be induced and ended up delivering her still born, baby girl at home, alone in her bathroom on the floor. She didn’t wake her husband until it was all over. When I finally saw her I just hugged her because I didn’t know what to say and really there is nothing that can be said or needs to be said. She knows that you love her and want only what is best for her. xoxo
Kristin B
Hi Katie. I almost never comment but your post hit too close to home. My best friend had her 4th mis this week…and although I don’t have children, myself, I offer you this: Hold her hand. Let her cry. Tell her you love her, over and over. Be honest and tell her that you don’t know what to say but offer you all the love you have. Be honest and tell her that you don’t know what to say but let her tell you what needs to be said. Wow…it just S***S. My love goes out to not only Ginny and JM, but your entire family. I’ll add you all to my prayer list. XOXO
Catherine
Katie – lots and lots of prayers coming yours and Ginny’s way. I am extremely close to my sister (we are twins and I don’t know where I would be in this world without her) and though we have never gone through this kind of experience together, we have been through some other tough ones and the most comforting moments were when we were just there with eachother in the midst of tragedy, depression, or sadness. The love of sisters is so unique. I am unbelievably comforted by a simple hug from my sister and I know the warmth and love you feel for your sister will come through when you see her. Sometimes saying nothing at all but just crying together can be the most comforting experience. I will keep both Ginny and her husband and your family in my prayers…
Amy
My heart breaks for Ginny, John Michael, and your family. I wish I knew the right things to say, but please know that everyone is in my heart & prayers.
Meghan
I am a long time reader! I love your blog. Unfortunately I miscarried my first baby in April and had to stop reading blogs for awhile. I don’t know what made me visit your blog today, but I did.
Firstly, I am so sorry your family is going through this. It is absolutely horrible. For me, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. My sister in law miscarried a few weeks prior to mine, and I too had no idea what to say, or how to comfort. Now being on the other side, here is my advice:
Recognize what happened. It helps so much talking about it with someone, since basically no one ever talks about miscarriage in our society. I felt so alone, but knowing that I could talk about it with my sister in law and sister really hepled. Don’t pretend that it never happened for fear of bringing up sadness. To me, my baby was my child. And I want my child to be recognized. I’ve been sad since April, but each day gets better, and each day it gets easier to talk about.
I’ll leave you with this fabulous website that helped me relate to other women who have been through this:
http://facesofloss.com/
Again, I am so sorry for your families loss.
Elizabeth R
I am so sorry to hear about Ginny loss. I cried as I read this because I know exactly what she is going through. We found out we lost our baby at 11 weeks at our 13 week sonogram in November and had to have a D&C. I know its hard to find the words to say to her – many people didn’t know what to say to me. I completely agree with Meghan (87)recognize what happened. Let her cry and grieve and express herself and just be there for her. Have her rest in the assurance that her baby is in heaven and will suffer no pain or sorrow in this world – that truly gave me a lot of comfort as I went through it. My prayers are with her and your family.
All My Monkeys
As a mom whose had a miscarriage, there really aren’t any “right” words to say, and plenty of wrong ones. Just sit with her, in silent support. Knowing she’s not expected to talk, or smile or always be cheery is a great relief. She will probably find consolation with other moms who have miscarried, because they’ve been there. BUT… you are her sister and can offer her a kind of love no one else can. Don’t feel pressure. Just be.
Sarah
I love the words of love, care, wisdom and experience offered by each who have commented…whether they themselves have suffered through a miscarriage or someone close to them has. It’s amazing how many of us fall into at least one of those two categories. My heart goes out to Ginny. Like so many others, I cried as I read this post. Almost two years ago, I too miscarried a baby at 15 weeks. It was a terrible experience, both physically and emotionally…and the thing that helped me (and continues to help me because the pain will never fully go away) was the love and support of my family and my husband. Like so many others have written (and I esp love what #76 Tayarra wrote), just a small gesture can mean so much. You’re never going to feel like you know the right things to say, but don’t let that fear keep you from showing that you care and recognizing her loss. For me, it’s now been almost 2 years and the pain isn’t as deep and raw anymore, but it is still there…I still have a hard time being around pregnant women and it’s a struggle to be truly happy for a friend/relative when they announce their pregnancy or right after they give birth. (I usually fake smiles and excitement, and then need to retreat to be alone as soon as I can to cry my heart out.) All that to say, I think it’s important to know that it’s not just a matter of loving and caring while the pain is fresh and raw, but also remembering and caring in the months and years to come. Remembering and marking what would have been the due date…my family did that for me, and it meant so much. Also doing something to mark the anniversary of her miscarriage – even as simple as a phone call or a little note…just so she knows you care. My 3 sisters have been incredible supporters throughout this painful process, and I know that Ginny is so blessed to have you to walk by her side through this.
Maggie
Oh I’m so, so sorry. I have a very hard time finding the right words in situations like this before, and even know I’m not even entirely certain what to write to you. Only that I know you’ll know when you see her. Even if at first all you say is in the giant hug you give each other. And I hope Ginny reads and sees all the love from people here.
Ashley @ According to Ashley
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Not that. Not Ginny. Please send my love to Ginny and JM. I’m hurting for them and thinking of them.
Sarah
Katie-You are an amazing sister. You are there for Ginny and she knows that. Having gone through two miscarries I know that sometimes, you just want someone to listen, and hear you cry. Sometimes it’s not the words, but the knowledge that others love you and don’t want you to hurt. I wish I had the relationship with my sister as you do yours. My husband is amazing and very supportive, but there is something about a woman’s perspective on this particular issue. Ginny will be so happy to have her family around her and will probably relish in being around children (I did). Just keep being there for her and she will heal. And before you know it, you’ll be writing about your new little niece or nephew. Much love to you and your family…
shannon
From the most personal place , I can tell you that all you need to do is hug her , listen and let her love on your babies…She loves your Bean and Gracie, and again from a personal place, they really will help in her healing. You really don’t have to know what to say….your sister knows you love her.
Renee
I can relate to what you and your sister are feeling. I miscarried in January, after waiting years and years for my perfect baby. It’s the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, and to be honest, I still cry about it often.
At the time, I didn’t have a problem being around my nieces and nephews, but being around pregnant women was so incredibly sad, even pregnant family members. It was just a reminder of what I had lost.
When it happened, I didn’t know how to act around people, because they didn’t know how to act around me. I wanted to be myself, but I was a changed person. There’s no going back. I hated hearing, “It will happen someday” or anything that was meant to cheer me up. There is no cheering up in that situation.
But one thing my sister said to me I will always remember. She said, “My heart is breaking too, and I’m crying with you.” It made me cry, of course, but it was the best thing I heard from anyone.
My best “advice” is to make sure she knows that you’re sad too. When she wants to talk about it, listen to her, but when she wants to talk about something else (and she may go back and forth on a dime), treat it like a normal conversation. She will need to feel loved and supported, but not feel like there’s a big sign on her head saying, “Feel sorry for me.”
I am so sorry for Ginny. I will pray for peace in her heart and a perfect baby and pregnancy for her when she is ready again.
Lynne
I am so sorry to hear this. I miscarried my first baby. I personally found it most helpful when people simply said “I’m sorry” and gave me a hug. I beg of you – do not say “God never gives you more than you can handle” Please, oh please, do not say that.
There was a sweet little 4 year old who lived in the first floor of the two family house we were living in when I miscarried. She came up to me at church and said (I am still not sure how she knew) Did your baby go away? I said yes, and she said It’s OK, I can be your baby until you get another one. That was 26 years ago, and I can remember it as if it was yesterday – and it is a good memory. Children have such a beautiful way of expressing themselves. I hope Bean and Gracie can help Ginny as much as Rachel helped me. I will be including your whole family in my prayers.
Lissa
I am so sorry to hear this news. I had 7 miscarriages and especially for the first one, I didn’t think I could ever cry enough. There were so many people that tried to “say something helpful” and it almost never was. It ‘s hard to find words to comfort at a time of such terrible loss. Ironically, the ONE person who did help was a 17 year boy that we knew from being his youth group leaders. When I told him his eyes filled with tears and he gave me a huge hug and just said “I am so sorry”. I could feel his pain. He didn’t feel the need to “do something” or to find an explanation or to have something profound to say. He could simply BE in the grief with me. I’ve carried that experience with me throughout my career as a RN–the best help is to BE PRESENT. To stay in the grief. To allow the feelings, allow the tears, the anger, the silence, the doubt. I think it was the innocence of this teen boy that let me finally allowed me to feel that someone understood. There really is nothing to say or do in such times. What we need is to not be alone with the loss. It is wonderful that Ginny’s husband has been such a partner for her. Couples can really struggle when they are both sharing the same loss. Husbands feel that they have to be the strong one and frequently people forget to ask the man how he’s doing (he’ll likely tell you how his wife is doing). I still remember how hard that was for my husband–my emotions were out there all raw and visible, but he kept trying to hold it together.
There will be other babies for Ginny and your family. But nothing will replace this first baby that was so loved and planned for. Blessings to all.
carrielt
Ginny, John Michael & the rest of your family, I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost their only child two years ago in a car accident. What do you say to a parent who loses their young child? I couldn’t answer this question for 2 days, but then I realized I needed to worry more about what they were going through than what I would feel when I was around them. So I went to see them. I hugged them both and we cried. No words were even needed. I know my pain for losing little Tate was nothing compared to theirs but I hurt for them anyway. And even in bloggy land that’s what I’d have for you also. A BIG hug from Kansas! My heart hurts for you and I will say a prayer for your little angel that is now in the hands of the Good Lord.
Deepa
My cousin miscarried at 8 months, and it was just devastating. I can only imagine what you all must be feeling. I am so, so sorry for Ginny and John Michael’s loss. I hope they know that they have a world of imaginary friends thinking of them today.
Maybelline @ Naturalmente Mam¡
I have 2 sisters and they are so important to me!.. I am deeply sorry for what happened and I have tears in my eyes from just reading it. Don;t feel ashamed for not saying anything, sisters don’t need to say anything just be there, even if it’s thousand miles away.. Over the weekend, when you get to see her face to face you won’t say anything you’ll just embrace her and cry with her if its necessary…
Ginny you are in my prayers!! I know there are no words in this world that could take away the pain, but I’m sure you’ll be ok and that you’ll continue to be the wonderful person and sister you’ve always been.
Corinn
I am so sad for your sweet sister and JM. I am praying for you all.
Brie
My best friend just went through the same thing last fall and I didn’t know how to react or support her or basically do anything. But I realized that just by being there for her, even if I didn’t say a word, is support and love and kindness when words won’t do. Ginny, John Michael, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Katie
My sister-in-law miscarried a few weeks ago. After years of trying to get pregnant, and being told it might never happen, she discovered she was pregnant. But she miscarried at nine weeks. I had no idea what to say to her, and felt slightly guilty because I have a happy and healthy child and conceived with no problems. But, I knew I had to say something because saying nothing would make her think I didn’t care. So that’s what I told her. I said that I didn’t know the right thing to say, and was sorry if I said the wrong thing. But, I felt like saying nothing would be more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. I had no idea what she was going through, so as much as I sympathized with her I couldn’t relate. It’s hard, but I think just being there is the most important thing you can do.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
I’m sitting here in tears, having never met Ginny, but my best friend..actually a few of my best friends, have been through miscarriages. I am so sorry. But, no amount of “sorry” will bring that precious baby back. It seems so trite to say, “I’m sorry” when a tragedy strikes. It’s not the words that you say that are going to help Ginny, it’s your presence. It’s being on the phone, even when it’s silent and the only thing that you hear are her sobs. It’s sitting with her on the beach this weekend, and knowing that even when she’s laughing, she’s probably still thinking about her baby that she’ll never hold. It’s allowing her to talk, months from now, when the world has moved on…but she hasn’t. You have an amazing job ahead of you…one that takes courage, strength, wisdom and a ton of love. You’re going to be the big sister that she needs…and you’re going to be great at it…even if it’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever walked through. I’ll be praying for you…and especially for Ginny and John Michael.
Cindy In Owensboro, KY
Katie, I am so sorry to hear that your sister miscarried. I know I would have difficulty knowing what to say also. But please let her know that we are all praying for her.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Just this past weekend, I was thinking about all of my pregnant friends when I found myself wondering, “I wonder how Katie’s sister is doing?” I am so sorry to hear of Ginny and JM’s loss. I haven’t gone through a miscarriage myself, but I know friends and students who have. And I have a friend whose second child was stillborn at 36 weeks. And every time I find out about the news, I cry. And every time I try to show my support, I say that I am sorry and then sort of stammer and stutter. I try to help them in whatever way they would like. It depends on the person, the family. But it is so hard to relate to having not gone through it myself. I hope that my just being there is enough. My heart is with your sister and your entire family. Hugs to you, Ginny.
halcuri
I am so sorry for your sister’s loss. I have a good friend right now who recently lost her newborn son. This is the second baby, due to a rare genetic disorder, that my friend has lost only days after he was born. We prayed so hard throughout her pregnancy that God would save this little guy. We prayed that He would heal the baby and provide a miracle so that everyone could see how great He is. However, it was not His plan. The baby did not survive. My friend is heartbroken. I am heartbroken. Everyone who loved and prayed and supported her and her family is devastated. We hold on to each other but to say that it has not rocked my faith is a lie. I am currently reading a wonderful book called “When God doesn’t answer your prayers” which is helping me. I can totally understand your fear because you feel so awful and yet, you can’t find the right way to express your sorrow. I’m going to just be there for her and let her tell me what she needs – whether it’s to talk about it or just hug her. God bless.
Barbara Manatee
I am so sorry for your sister’s loss. My closest life-long friend and I both struggled with fertility when we started trying for a family. After a year, I was blessed with twins and then surprised with another 2 years later. Sadly, her arms are still empty. She finally conceived last summer and her phone call – her news telling me that she was pregnant was seriously the best news I’d ever heard. It almost outranked my happiness/emotions from when I found out I was pregnant the first time.
I still cry when I think then of the phone call about 8 weeks later – literally days before she was finally going to tell her family that they were going to have a baby, an US showed no heartbeat at 11 weeks. I’ve never felt more useless, guilty and heartbroken. Why do I deserve 3 beautiful children while she has none? My heart still hopes for her.
Courtney
I’m so sorry. I will keep your entire family in my thoughts.
Julia
Just a quick note to echo everyone sentiments above – my heart goes out with compassion for Ginny’s, John Michael’s and your family’s loss. Many many thoughts, and much much love.
Jayne
Like many other ladies here, I cried as I read through this post. My mom had a miscarriage at about 12-13 weeks. This was 5 years before she had me. As her child, I do sometimes think about that sibling of mine whom I never got to know. How different life would have been. But God had different plans and things are as it is now. The best consolation is that one day, I’ll meet him/her in heaven again. We’ll get to know each other there. Best place ever. My ehart goes out to you, Katie and Ginny. <3
alison
Katie, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Hugs and prayers for all of you. Your sweet words about your sister and your relationship warm my heart. I don’t have a sister, but if I did I would want her to be EXACTLY like you! Have a great vacation!
Chloe
I’m so sorry. I’m just like you: I don’t know what to say… This is so sad!
I’m praying for your family.
Jasmine
What a sweet, sweet post. It made me tear up, thinking about the love that sisters share. Even more so in the hardest times. My condolences to all of you.
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
omg I have NO idea what to say 🙁 I’m so sorry Ginny. So sorry. I can’t imagine how this feels
Ally Garner
Kate, i’m so very sorry to hear about Ginny’s miscarriage, especially so far into her pregnancy. I’m just heartbroken for you all. Praying for God’s comfort, peace & abundant love as you rally together. I hope you all have a wonderful time at the beach under the circumstances, and just enjoy each other. Grace & peace to you all.
Bronwen
My heart goes out to your sister and her husband, Katie, and to you and all your family. My sister has had three miscarriages and a friend recently suffered two in fairly quick succession. I realize that everyone has a different comfort level and need for privacy but my friend was very public about her struggles and questioned why women are so silent about something that happens to so many of us. I am not trying for a baby yet (just got married yesterday, in fact!) but I am thankful to you, Katie, and to all the women who have commented, for opening up this discussion and being so honest and thoughtful. When my husband and I are ready to have a family, I know I will feel more prepared for whatever happens because of this discussion and others about the “maybes” and struggles of infertility.
Vanessa
Having gone thru’ one myself I know how hard it is… I wrote this after my miscarriage, hope it helps http://www.oneshetwoshe.com/2010/06/dealing-with-miscarriage-she-vanessa.html.
Sorry for your loss
Keshet
I’m crying reading this. I will be thinking of her.
Jennifer
So sad to hear this, prayers for all of you. A few months ago I miscarried and my sister who is younger didn’t need to say anything. Just being my sister- made me feel better. Knowing that I could be angry and sad in the same converstation with her- helped to make the hours, days, weeks and now months easier.
A random phrase has helped me to have a more positive outlook for a future pregnancy was “a preheated oven is the best place for a new bun”.
Jordan
This hurt my heart to read this because I know how excited your family was, and especially Ginny. Ah, prayers are sent your way.
I don’t think she expected you to know what to say, and I hope you don’t still feel ashamed. Sometimes, presence is enough and I am sure she knows that when she needs to talk about it, you will be there. You are a great sister and friend to her, Katie. So don’t be ashamed about that.
molly
Ugh, this just breaks my heart Katie. For Ginny and for your whole family. For Bean and Gracie who will never meet their cousin 🙁 But I can say that I really appreciate the reminder. I have three sisters and I love them to pieces but I don’t think I tell them enough. Thanks for teaching ME.
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