Communication,  Fights,  Husbands,  Marriage Confessions

A Complaint.

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Tonight at 8:00, my friend, Sarah, reminded me about a baby shower we are going to tomorrow morning for a co-worker. All week we’ve been meaning to get up to Barnes and Noble to buy a few baby books, but I haven’t been able to get away. Until 8:00pm the night before the shower.

Story of my life.

My complaint is this:

When I told Chris that I had to run up to Barnes and Noble to grab a baby gift, he said (and I quote), “Fine.”

No, it was really more like, (heavy, dramatic, irritated sigh) “Fine.”

Nevermind that the kids were in bed.  Nevermind that there was nothing going on tonight.  Nevermind that I haven’t been out of the house (except for grocery shopping) in two weeks without Chris or the kids.  Nevermind all of that.

(heavy, dramatic, irritated sigh) “Fine.”

And I get that sigh every time I have to go anywhere – from the grocery store to the drug store to a girls night out.  Doesn’t matter what I’m doing.  If I am leaving Chris with the kids – even sleeping kids after bedtime – I get the sigh.  And every time I get the sigh, I want to pinch him on the underside of his upper arm.  After years of being pinched by my mother in church, I know for a FACT that is the most painful place to be pinched.

There are two reasons that sigh makes me mad.  First, I should be allowed to leave my house without my children sometimes.  And I shouldn’t get a guilt trip via a sigh every time I do.  I am really supportive when Chris gets away from the house. It’s good for him. Everyone needs time to themselves. So, when he wants to play golf (twice this week, by the way…), I am really happy for him. I even insisted he go golfing on Saturday when he wasn’t sure he wanted to go! But when it’s my turn to get out of the house, there’s the sigh.

Secondly – and this one is the biggie – I can’t stand passive aggressiveness.  If you’re mad, just say something.  If you don’t want me to go, just say it.  Then we can argue and move on.

But when there’s a sigh?  Then I am faced with the dilemma of either ignoring the fact that I know he’s pissed, making me the insensitive one.  Or, asking him if he’s mad, which always prompts a fight, making me the insensitive one.

I CAN’T WIN WHEN MY HUSBAND SIGHS!

45 Comments

  • Emily

    I feel the same.. my husband goes out all the time.. and then I want to go to target by myself for FAMILY THINGS.. and i get a guilt trip that i should take one of the kids… ARG!!!

  • Jen @ caved in

    Dude, what is it with men tonight? I got the same thing when I told him I was leaving for Zumba. Never mind the fact that I go on the same nights every week and Sullivan is in bed. You’re right, though, you can’t ever win in these situations. Ugh…

  • Dani

    My husband is partial to either “Oh.” or “Mmmm”

    We had a ‘talk’ the other day about his passive aggressiveness. Just be mad! Or be happy! Both of them at the same time doesn’t make any freakin’ sense

  • Alyssa

    I admit it…I’m the ‘ok fine’ one in our family. It’s a bad habit I have and I”m trying to correct it! So how did this particular even end? Did you talk it out?

  • Candice

    I get this, too, sometimes… and then other days I get told, “You need to get out more; you never make time for yourself.” I’m like, “BECAUSE YOU SIGH WHEN I DO!” and he denies it. He also sighs when he has to do ANY housework, like even putting his own plate in the sink or dishwasher. When I go, “What was that sigh for?” he says, “What sigh? I didn’t sigh.” He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. So maddening.

  • Renee

    LOL! I love the comments on this post because it lets me know that I am not the only one in this situation. I am leaving my kids with my husband for the weekend for the first time in FOUR years. I just want him to be supportive about it and know it is a good thing but instead he just keeps talking about how much work it is going to be. Welcome to my world, Hubs! I say we just all go out, even with the sigh, and enjoy it with out feeling guilty.

  • Angie

    Hubby used to do this more when our boy was smaller….it used to irritate the hell out of me because the baby was ASLEEP!!! he could sit on the couch and watch tv, he could do anything he wanted to, it just had to be inside the house (oh woe is me). And it’s not as if you’re going anywhere exciting? You’re going grocery shopping and running errands for pete’s sake, not going to get a manicure. My other pet peeve is when people refer to dads taking care of their kids alone as ‘babysitting’. Grrr…./rant over

  • Meghan

    I say you just give a smile, say “Thanks!”, and go…..and maybe stay out longer for coffee or something. Enjoy your time out alone guilt free…..everyone needs it and no one should feel guilty for taking it!

  • Kristin

    This is the second time I’m saying this tonight (I said it earlier on another blog). “Yeah…I’m never getting married.” I like going to Barnes and Noble whenever I darn well please!

  • Laura @ Casa del Hansen

    I wonder if it has to do with male communication problems in general. Whenever he’s upset about something, my husband reverts to what I call his “caveman gruntspeak.” Signs, grunts, “mmpfs”… you get the picture. He “claims” he just doesn’t have the words to say what he means without sounding like a jerk.

    I say men should be required to take a refresher course in “how to effectively express negative feelings” more often. (Actually, now that I think about it, maybe we ladies should, too – good excuse for a venting fest, right?)

  • Michelle

    My boyfriend refuses to believe that pinching the underside of the upper arm is SO painful!! He does it all the time, thinking I’m just being dramatic when I say it hurts. So I just sent him an e-mail quoting your paragraph saying it is the most painful place to be pinched. Thank you!

  • Holly T

    I could’ve written this post myself! I, too, get “the sigh.” And 95% of the time when I leave the house by myself it’s because I’m going to the grocery store, not for something fun, but for something necessary and not fun! *SIGH*

  • Rachel

    I think it’s worth discussing this with him, especially if he gets to go out but when you do the same you get “the sigh”. It’s not nice behaviour! You have just as much right to go places as he does, with no passive agressiveness or a row as a result 🙁

  • Tressa

    Love this post! Men, can’t live with ’em can’t live without ’em!! You guys have a great holiday weekend, and Chris don’t sigh to much!!! 😉

  • Jamie

    I don’t even have kids and I get the sigh. It INFURIATES me! I am a full time student and I work a full time job, is it a crime to need an hour or two to myself every now and then? Sheesh!

  • Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife

    I feel awful commenting on this post because my experience is so different. My husband is incredibly supportive of me getting out of the house and hanging out with friends. We’re both really supportive of that actually. If I feel like he hasn’t had some time alone in a while I’ll sometimes push him in that direction. We find that he needs less as he really enjoys staying home, and I’m not that good at it…especially as a stay at home mom. And, sometimes, I just need a break so that I can get my perspective back…like right now. In fact, the last thing Brad said to me as he left the house this morning was, “Why don’t you have a girls night tonight?”

    But, that said, I have to agree…passive aggressiveness drives me up a wall. How did it turn out?

  • Jen

    Ugh….I’m your husband in our house. I need to knock that crap off. I enjoy getting out just as much as my husband, but it seems like he gets to come and go as he pleases and I’m stuck at home.

  • Ann G-B

    I always challenge the “sighs”. And frequently give him the opportunity to do it himself – “well, do you want to go to the store for me then?”

  • Casey

    Oh, girl, you and I could have a serious bitch-fest about this one. Right now, Hubby is studying for his engineering license while working 6 full days a week. He has NO free time. I work full time, also, and have picked up all of the housework (and yardwork) to help him out. The only thing Hubby does at the moment is pick up the boy from daycare twice a week. I’ll add that I mostly work at night, so I am taking care of the baby all day before I go to work. Every once in a while, I like to go out for a (one.single.usually free) drink with my coworkers. Hubby & baby are in bed. He totally sighs at me in the morning when I tell him I was out the night before. He wouldn’t have even realized it if I didn’t say something! Grrrr.
    But, I do try to remember that he’s stressed right now and doesn’t have much time to get out. Still, passive aggressive is my pet peeve. Talk to me, darnit!

  • Trish

    Oh, honey….I’m here to tell you that this doesn’t change once the kids are grown and out of the house! Our son is away in grad school…it’s just Doug and I and I STILL get this reaction. Heaven forbid, that I miss an evening of watching what HE wants to watch on tv. 🙂

  • Amanda

    I want to tack this up in front of my husband and say READ THIS!!!! I get the sigh like you – whenever I want to leave the house or do something without my kid. Is it a sentence of death for him to watch his own son for a while??? Thanks for venting…it’s what we all would like to say ourselves.

  • Michelle

    You can win by writing a blog post about it, though. :). In all seriousness, you are not the only one in this boat. The only time i get to be out of the house without a child is when i’m at work. Somehow my husband thinks that should be enough for me. It sucks!

  • Danielle

    Oh no! I’m the sigher in our house! After reading the other side of it, I’m going to try my darnedest to suck it up and either keep the sigh to myself or verbalize my feelings. Thanks for the insight.

  • Katie

    Oh yes!! My husband sighs every single solitary time as well. It frustrates me so much because I should be allowed to leave every once in a while by myself (Seriously, I don’t try to “get out” that often!) without the guilt trip. Then the trip is already ruined before I even got a taste of my freedom. So with you on this one.

  • Dessi

    Totally know what you mean!! We don’t even have any kids yet (besides the one baking) and I sometimes get, the sign. I just go ahead and call my hubby out for it!

  • Kerri

    Such a relief to know I’m not the only one who hears the “sigh”. It’s as if they think WE are being selfish?…We as mothers, happily & unselfishly carried our children for 9 months(some of us 2, 3 or 4 times) & then spend the majority of our time making sure everyone is taken care of. Then we “ask” for just a little bit of time to ourselves…which usually, that little bit of time is used to benefit the needs of our families. Why should we even have to “ask”… it should be understood and respected! Sorry to vent 🙂 I learned about your blog from your sweet sister Ginny, who is also a co-worker of mine. I look forward to your posts everyday. You are my therapy at the end of the day… so refreshing & inspiring. 🙂

  • Tara

    Ohhh, I hate the sulking and the passive aggressiveness! It drives.me.nuts. My hubby gets the “irritated voice” and then tries to say he isn’t mad. Which makes me even madder!

  • Dawn

    Ha! I get that too but not as much as I used to…I used to address it which led to conflict…but, now, even though it still bothers me, I don’t show it or acknowledge it. I just say, “great. Thanks. See ya in a bit.” Now, I don’t get it as much…fine and “why now”? have turned into a more thoughtful “be careful.” Hang in there.

  • jenny-bird

    This comment isn’t relative to this post, but since it is the most recent post, it will have to do.

    Roll Tide Roll! Let the SEC season begin. Chris, your Gators are going down October 1st. XD

  • Lori

    I get this ALL THE TIME! I should not need any time to myself and that includes showering or using the …um facilities. I have explained that even criminals on death row get to be alone but to no avail. I live my life in a fish bowl. On the upside though yesterday when I told my husband during a conversation about cremation that I would have no problem pushing him into the oven he thought it was hilarious. So win some, loose some. I did tell him later that I would make sure he was at least good and dead first. (;

  • Julie S.

    Oh girl, I know exactly how you feel. Brandon was “too busy” to keep Brayden so that I could do a photo shoot this weekend, but not too busy to hang out with the boys the night before. Ugh. I hate the sigh. I get it a lot too.

  • Kat @ living like the kings

    My hubs, oddly, is totally fine with me getting out and him staying back with the baby. But what I do get is that any time that he needs to do ANYTHING (from turning on the laundry machine to going to the grocery store to brushing his teeth), I need to take the baby. He just can’t do anything while watching her. Which means that if I leave the house, the ONLY thing that will happen is that he watches the baby. I, on the other hand, am expected to do everything while also keeping an eye on the baby. This past weekend I did 5 loads of laundry (did you wince? I did), cleaned the basement, vacuumed, did the dishes, grocery shopped, made baby food, made dinner for us, cleaned the fridge. All while having the baby. On Monday Jon mentioned that he had to run out to Walmart (while I was in the middle of rolling meat balls) and said that I needed to stop what I was going to watch the baby. When I suggested that he take her with you, he let me know that there is no human possible way for him to do any kind of shopping with the baby. Um what?!

  • Holli

    Oh boy. I’m glad that I’m not the only one that gets this crap from the significant other. Only I’m encouraged to go out and when I do want to do something (which is usually always target), I get the sigh or “ughhhh..”. It’s amazing how you can never get upset when they want to go somewhere, but god forbid you want to go 10 blocks down the street to target. 10 BLOCKS! Annnnnd half of the time I don’t even get a forewarning that he’s going somewhere. There’s a “honey, I’ll be back” and I have to ask where he’s going. One day, I’m just going to do the same thing….one day.

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