Year Seven
Tonight I had a meeting at church after work. Somehow, I agreed to be a co-chair for our church’s vacation Bible school program this summer and planning is in full swing already. As the meeting was coming to a close, my blog actually became the topic of discussion. Apparently, some of the women discovered my blog and so we spent a few minutes talking about it, which is really odd for me because I don’t often talk about my blog in my real life. Actually, very few people who know me in person even know that I write. As I was talking about the blog to them, the subject turned to marriage. I mentioned that Chris and I were coming up on seven years of marriage and about half the group of women let out big groans.
“That’s a doozey of a year,” one of them said, and everyone nodded their heads in agreement.
On the way home, I thought about what they had said. I’ve heard of the Seven Year Itch in marriages, but I really thought that was just a saying. But as I thought over the past year of my own marriage, I started to wonder if maybe there was some truth to that dreaded seventh year.
This year of our marriage has been… not perfect. I guess that’s the best way to say it. It hasn’t been rough, really. LAST year when we were unexpectedly pregnant, moving, struggling for money, and dealing with my depression – now THAT was rough. This year has certainly been an improvement over that. But it hasn’t been smooth sailing by any means.
I think our lowest point was around the holidays. Chris and I really struggled through the this past fall. Nothing more than most couples, I imagine (and I hope!), but enough that it was tense. We were trying to save for Christmas and make plans for visiting family through the holidays, and that required some compromise from both of us. Chris was working more weekends and I was back to work again after having the summer off, so both our schedules were different and we were trying to adjust. And on top of those things, there were the normal happenings of a family with two small kids – Gracie was teething, Bean was potty training, and we were trying to make time for our family in the midst of all our other obligations. Like I said, it’s nothing that many of you have been through.
One night over our Christmas break, Chris and I got into one of the biggest fights we’d ever had. There were a lot of reasons for it, but it came down to pent up frustration with each other. We were both angry. We were both tired. And it all came to a head one night in a fight. At the height of our anger, Chris yelled out, “Our marriage just isn’t a priority for me right now! There’s too much stuff going on!”
Well, that shut me up. My first reaction was complete hurt. If I wasn’t a priority to my husband, who would make me a priority? That hurt quickly turned to anger, as my hurt usually does. I became so angry at Chris. How dare he make a decision like that about our marriage without even talking to me? This wasn’t just his marriage to prioritize. It was mine, too. But after a few days of thinking it over, I came to a startling realization: I felt the same way.
The fact is that there is sometimes truth in anger and honesty in frustration and had Chris and I not fought it out that day, I don’t think either of us would have been bold enough to say what we truly felt. That marriage just wasn’t important right now.
Chris and I worked through the issues we were having last fall during our State of the Union talk around New Years. We spent the dinner really talking about our marriage and why it had slipped down the totem pole of our priorities. While we never pinpointed an exact answer, we did come to the complete consensus that we had to make more of an effort to push it back up that totem pole. Without our marriage as the priority in our lives, nothing else works. We don’t parent well when we’re tense with each other. We’re preoccupied at work and so we start to slip there. Our household responsibilities that we normally share – paying bills, cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed – aren’t fun anymore. They become obligations and the weight of their responsibility weighs on us as individuals, instead of as a couple. That kind of pressure is really hard to carry alone. So, we’ve really committed this year to making our marriage a priority again and we’re doing a pretty good job so far. But, occasionally, I still feel that we’re not quite as united as we used to be.
Tonight, as I was driving home, I started thinking about what the women at church had said about the seventh year of marriage and about my own upcoming seventh year of marriage. Why is that year so damn hard???
(Dear Future Beanie and Gracie – please turn away from the computer right now…)
I honestly think it’s because we have kids now.
Am I allowed to say that? I feel like I’m not allowed to say that. But I’m going to say it anyway.
If Chris and I didn’t have kids, I’m sure we would still have issues to work through in our marriage, but having children for the two of us has made things…well…different in our marriage.
In some ways, it has deepened who we are as a couple. I have learned to love Chris is a way that I didn’t love him before our kids were born. I love him more because there is more OF him to love. Bean and Gracie are extensions of mine and Chris’s love. They are our love in the flesh. So, because I love them, I am able to love Chris more deeply than I did before. Having kids has also taught us about true partnership. We’ve learned how to lean on each other and to turn to each other when we don’t have the answers. We depend on each other more now because we have children that depend on us. We’ve grown up together as parents. He is the only person who has been through every single parenting issue with me. Every single decision I’ve made as a parent – the right decisions and the wrong decisions – I’ve made with Chris, and that bonds you like nothing else.
But there are some ways that becoming parents has made being a married couple harder. For one thing, we can’t drop everything we’re doing anymore to fix problems. We have had to learn how to work through issues with babies on our hips and dinner on the stove. When Chris and I were first married and we would have a big fight or disagreement over something, we would pretty much stop what we were doing to fix the situation. We’d plan a dinner out for the two of us to talk about whatever the issue was we were dealing with. And we could do that because we had no kids. We didn’t need to worry about finding a babysitter or if we could afford a sitter that week. We didn’t have to worry about staying out too late because we had to get up at 6am the next day with the kids. We didn’t have to pick up diapers or baby food or a fruit that begins with the letter C for daycare the next day. We just didn’t have those obligations and so it was much easier to stop everything and fix our marriage.
Parenting has also impacted our marriage because it’s not all about us anymore. Like any good parent, Chris and I live for our kids. If you ask Bean who he is, he’ll say, “Mommy’s whole world!” Because he is! Those two kids are the heartbeat of our family. Neither Chris or I could imagine our lives without either of them. They make us better people. They make our world a better place. They make our family complete. But having our world revolve around our two babies means that Chris and I as a couple often take a backseat to our kids or to our family’s well being. What we’ve had to learn over the past two and a half years that we’ve been parents is how to draw the line and when to make our marriage the center of our universe.
Now, for those who are reading this without kids who hope to one day have a family – don’t panic! I don’t think this period of our marriage is going to last forever. In fact, I can already see us getting slowly past it. The thing about your seventh year of marriage is that you have to learn as your family grows. Chris and I are learning this year that sometimes we have to re-prioritize in our family and sometimes that means putting our marriage before our kids. Sometimes that means asking for more from each other without placing blame. That’s been a tough one for me. I’ve had to learn how to say, “I need more from you,” without saying, “I need more from you because what you’re doing is not enough.” It’s not that what we’re doing is not enough. It’s that the stakes are higher now. There’s more going on. We both have to get better – not because what we’re doing is not good enough, but because it just requires more effort now.
The seventh year is upon us and I feel it in my marriage. This year I’ve had to hear some really hard things from Chris and I’ve had to say some really hard things to Chris. But the hard is what makes things better. The hard is what makes us stronger. And so, yes, sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and yell, “THIS IS JUST NOT A PRIORITY RIGHT NOW!” But that isn’t the end of anything. That’s just the beginning. It’s what I do after the frustration that determines the success of my marriage.
57 Comments
Katie D
Wow, such a powerful post! I can totally relate (as usual)… I’ve only been married 2 years, but from the get-go we’ve gone through grad school, new jobs, a move across the country, and I’ve been diagnosed with cancer and Crohn’s disease. We are in a good place now, but our marriage has seemed like it’s been on the backburner since it began! I am so inspired by the lessons you get out of your life! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I can’t say I completely understand since my husband and I have done this in only our second year of marriage. However I can say coming from the other side that it DOES get better. Prayers for you both.
Amber@ Classy Confessions
Katie, this post was beautiful. I am not married and have no children. I have a boyfriend who I know is THE ONE; it just isn’t time yet. But anyway I can still completely understand what you are saying. Recently Jacob has been feeling that I wasn’t making him a priority or that I didn’t love him and you put it into perfect words for me! I was student teaching in the fall and stressed about not getting a job right away and quite honestly he was not a priority. This was beautifully written though!
Danimezza
Oh Katie I hear you, Steve and I had our first big fight on Saturday, we’ve been together for 8 years and in March it will be our 5th wedding anniversary. I never yell but I yelled and he shouted and he never shouts. I felt like I could have written this post. We’d just been bobbing along getting stuff done, juggling chores and working and potty training and trying to save money. We forgot about “us”. We’ve had 2.5 yrs of being parents and all our energy goes into Aidan and ultimately “we” were put on the back burner.
The hard things are hard to say for a reason, they get stuck in my throat, my chest hurts and my eyes well up… but I know they have to be said. We’ve been talking at night in bed with the lights off, holding each other and sharing our truths like in the old days. Sometimes it’s sweet but most of the time it’s raw and difficult but we both coming out better for it through listening and giving understanding without the usual domestic distractions.
Thank you for saying the things you’re “not meant” to say x
@danimezza
Sharlee@believinginsomething
I loved this post. I appreciate your encouragement to those of us without kids, not to panic. I appreciate that more than you know 🙂 This was beautifully written. We don’t have kids, but my husband’s in school right now, I don’t handle stress well, and sometimes things get a little tense. I just told him the other night that things just felt out of sync. I explained that I can tell that when household duties lose their fun and become burden-like. Thanks for sharing so openly!
Heather in ND
Your words are amazing. Wow. I’m speechless.
Holly
Kids change marriage so much!!!!! Thank you for being so honest. So many couples need to hear they aren’t the only ones going through ups and downs after children. Take time for eachother and make it be a #1 priority.
Jennifer@browneyedandblessed
Congrats on seven years of marriage! Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourselves and your marriage for us all to read. It’s nice to see a mirror into another marriage and say “see, i’m not the only one!”
Audrey
Thank you for letting us in to your struggles – those that are difficult, frustrating, and painful – but still make for a beautiful marriage. I always have such hope after reading these kinds of posts from you. Your honesty is so very appreciated!
Kristin
We don’t have kids yet, but I can definitely relate to things not feeling the same as they used to.
Also, maybe you guys took your rough year a little early? Maybe you’ve made it through the “itch” and this year will be easier than the last!
Lorrie
Wow, Katie! You just put into words what I have been feeling this last year. We are only in year four, but have had some hard things thrown our way. Sometimes being married is hard, but I can’t imagine having to go through life without my husband. Thanks for your beautiful words. It’s encouraging to know that we aren’t the only ones that experience difficulty in our marriage. The most important things I have learned is not to give up on it. God will guide you through the difficult times and always stay with you.
Margaret
Honey, I was JUST, two hours ago, telling a friend with a baby that if marriage doesn’t teach you things about yourself and show your flaws, having kids will. It’s not that they make you worse, they make you better (SO MUCH BETTER) but that they add a layer of stress on your time and person that just wasn’t there before. And if you have a crack in your relationship, that stress will sit on it until it breaks. Here’s another thing my husband and I were talking about. I asked him if he ever worried that we would grow apart. It’s a new concern, since I can see how easy it is to be exhausted with these two kiddos and to just shut down for a bit. He said that sure, he thinks about it, but that even if we drift apart, we can work on it and come back from that. I don’t believe in divorce, so it’s not an option for us, but I’m sometimes amazed at how culture starts to drift into my head. What will happen if we drift apart, I wonder, as if that’s the end of the world. It’s NOT ideal, and it wouldn’t be easy, but you’re so right when you say that it’s what you do after you get to that point that determines the success of your marriage. It’s easy to think of that as the end. Welp, if we’re here then our marriage is irreparable. But it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of the next chapter. Great post, Katie. Thanks so much!
nylse
children change everything, thats what i learned. they make you discover sides of you that you never knew existed…..i agree, its what you do after the frustration…you learn and you are better for it.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Thank you for sharing how you grow with us. We’re in the midst of Year Two, and learning more about our marriage all the time. Already, we’ve seen times we have to prioritize it, whether it’s because work has become too much, or we haven’t gotten out in months because we have a toddler, or because of how we’re hurting after our recent miscarriage. It’s encouraging to hear you say these things and to see how many other people are feeling them too.
Pam
My husband and I are in the midst of our seventh year and between living overseas, having a 13 month old, and having E working SO much, I can relate to the current phase of your marriage. It is TOUGH, but I have faith it will get easy again!
Anne@ApricotWallpaper
Hi Katie – thank you so much for this post. My husband and I have been married for two years and are starting to entertain the idea of having children in the foreseeable future. And don’t worry – you haven’t turned me off from having kids! On the contrary, I so appreciate your honest perspective on the challenges and blessings of parenthood, especially in this post.
Christina @ Marriage from Scratch
What a great post. You and Chris are so inspiring! I have only been married since July (but have been reading your blog for years) and learn so much from you! You rock!
Chelsea
This post was moving and inspirational, really, to us all. I am not married nor thinking about getting married in the near future but this post really had me hooked.
Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style
This is such a great post Katie! Thank you for pouring your heart out, It goes so much further then you can even imagine. : )
Maddie
Oh Katie! I’ve been reading your blog since I was 20 years old- I’m now 24, and engaged to my college love of 6 years. I think you give amazing insight and advice, which is why I continue to read! I just have to ask if you think, as someone who went through a long distance high-school AND college relationship, if you count the years you were dating? As a not-quite-married person, I count the 6-and-counting years we’ve been together as very important. And, having heard of the 7 year itch also, i thought we would have passed it shortly after our wedding. But reading this post made me think twice, and also made me a little afraid, to be honest. We want to have kids about a year into marriage, and about 2 years apart, meaning our oldest would be about 5, the next would be 3, and the youngest would be 1 when we enter into that scary year.
My question to you, really, is- as someone who’s been with your husband for a long, long, time…do you think that 7 years of marriage is different than 7 years of just being together? And do you think that after 7 years of being together, that children can really be the one thing to pull your marriage apart, no matter how briefly? Your answer won’t affect my future plan, it’ll just keep me alert and aware to the perils that await, if that makes sense!
Again, I know every couple is different, but I’d love to hear your point of view, as someone who’s been with her husband for a long time before marriage and as someone who’s opinions and views on life I respect immensely! Thanks 🙂
Jaime G
oh! i had completely forgotten about year 7!!! we made it through it and are at year 12 now, so it’s easy to put behind me. yeah, it was a doozy of a year. and bean and gracie should be in the clear, we didn’t have kids at year 7 and it still hit us. no one had warned us about year 7, so at least you’re aware and ready to face it head on!
Sarah K
What an honest post full of truth, beauty and hope. My husband and I are on year three of marriage and are actively trying to start a family. I know from blogs like yours, my parents and just general life that things are going to change immensely in a way we can’t even fathom right now, but after seeing both our parents marriages fail (more than once) I think we both have learned how important it is to keep you marriage a priority (WAY easier said than done!).
My mom while on her 3rd (and final) marriage finally had it click for her. She used to say to us “your kids will always be your kids no matter what, but your marriage now that’s something more fragile and you have to put it first.” Now as the child when she nudged me to go sleep over a friends house since my brother and sister were already out and she and my stepdad wanted a night alone and then hearing her famous saying – well, I can’t say I was thrilled ;). But as her daughter who is now a wife – i know that was honest and priceless advice. Anyway – love this post and love your blog!
Ashley @ According to Ashley
Thanks for sharing, Katie! I always love your honesty. We’re in our second year of marriage and it’s already been a doozy. Even though we don’t have kids, we do have crazy opposite schedules and I’m in grad school in addition to teaching full time. We’re in the process of making our marriage our first priority and we’re taking it one day at a time.
Turner
It is so hard. I agree. What true words you have written. I love your blog so so much. A great book a friend gave to me is Kid Ceo. It is about making your marriage a priority and then everything else kind of falls into place. I think you’d enjoy it. xo
Kt
as always, love your posts about marriage – you have great insights to share!
Jen @ Dancing Through the Minefield
THIS is why I love your blog! Thank you for being so honest and truthful. It is so refreshing to know that marriages aren’t perfect but that it is possible to get through the low points. We are currently approaching year 3 and I love having someone like you to learn from!
kk
So this was what you mentioned in the mc live chat…the first step of solving an issue is always admitting it with your partner and that’s normally the hardest part because it didn’t seem like it until it’s all bursted out. i think this post must have been so hard for you to write and express your feelings like that!
Chloe
I agree with Jen. This is the reason I love your blog so much! You’re so honest! Thanks for sharing, Katie 🙂
My husband and I have been married for 1 year, but we’ve been together for almost 8 years… Are we supposed to be going through the 7th year now? or in 6 years? Uh-oh…
Christine
As someone who was married for 12 years before having kids, I can definitely see that maybe the “itch” is about things other than the marriage (work, parenting, money, health). We have had many itches, but the itch that comes with parenting is REALLY itchy! ha ha! Our little one just turned 1 and some of the itch is going away. Feels great to come out the other side, stronger and happier.
Diana @ A Little Bit of Life
It’s like you read my mind. I just had this talk/fight with my hubby last night. And maybe part of this morning too. We love our Jellybean – he is our world. But having him has made our marriage really struggle. Its like we don’t have time for each other any more. I guess we need to find that time though.
Katy Shaw
I love this…you have a way of writing exactly what I am feeling. I have been married for almost 11 years (wow…that makes me sound really old)…we have a 1, 4 and 6 year old and having kids definitely changes your marriage. It is not always sunshine and rainbows…it can get ugly…but as long as you can always see the good in every situation or the light at the end of the tunnel you will be fine. I definitely love my husband more today than I did when we met over 13 years ago…it has changed and evolved over time…and we might not be as affectionate as we were as newlyweds but sitting down to dinner or going to the park as a family is a whole new level of love.
Peggy in NC
I am in my 23rd year of marriage so you can survive year 7. At that time I had 2 young children, was working fulltime, had daycare issues, was involved with volunteering and my husband had started his own business so was working LONG hours. I sometimes felt like I was going to scream and probably did but we managed. Marriage isn’t easy and throw kids into the mix and you have, well, challenges. But you can work through the issues and come out stronger in the end!
Kristin
Thank you so much for this post Katie! My husband and I always seem to be at the same place you and Chris are, so your posts always hit close to home! Nice to know we’re all in the same boat! Love, love, love our kiddos, but definitely miss the time for our marriage. We’ll all have it back someday though!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Maybe year 7 has taken such a bad rap because it’s about the time that so many couples are where you are now. We also had two young ones about the ages of yours that year and, well, life sucked.
We actually ended up sitting down with a marriage counselor for a few months that year which helped a ton but there’s just no getting around it – it’s a tough time for a marriage.
Keep on pushing through. It does get better – right around the time you can yell, “Everybody go potty, get your shoes on and get in the car” and they’re able to comply. 🙂
Alyssa
Have you thought about teaching a marriage class at your church?- Ya know the classes for newly engaged couples? This post is really amazing. It hits really close to home- we have a newborn at home right now and in just a few short weeks I’m already able to relate to this in small ways and I’m sure over time I will 100% relate. Mindee- HAHAHHA! Go potty, get your shoes on and get in the car! That does sound like the ‘getting better point’! Those first 4-5 years of a child’s life are HARD.
Paige
This is why we read your blog and love it so much more than those ‘my life and kids are perfect’ blogs out there. You are honest and everyone who is reading this has been somewhere in that place in their own marriage.
Jean
Marriage has phases….
Phase one of Marriage with no Children
Phase two of Marriage with Children
Phase three of Marriage with Teen Children
Phase four of Marriage when children move out .
With each phase you adapt, learn, love and grow as people. With each phase you change, your marriage changes and your children change.
I say enjoy each phase and season of marriage, cause when you look back on your life, good and bad, it will be the best years of your life with your young family that you will always cherish.
Jen @ Caved In
It makes me laugh when I hear someone say they’re having a baby to save their marriage. Children, for all of their wonderfulness and love they put in your life, are one heck of a stressor. Mike and I have never fought as much in the first 10 years of our relationship than we have in this past year after having our kiddo. It’s crazy to think of all the crap we’ve been throught yet this one little gift from God is challenging us so much. I’m not ashamed to say we’ve seen a counselor and are making a very conscious to put our marriage first. We schedule date nights and activities just for us. Slightly embarassed to say it but that’s just what was needed. I know you and Chris will get through this and be stronger on the other side but damn it does suck while you’re going through it.
Nikki
Wow. Thank you so much for your honesty, and willingness to open up about your marriage. I have been married for two months (whoo!), and while we discuss having kids soon, I often wonder how it will affect our marriage. I know that even though I’m not perfect, that I need to make sure that I’m at least trying to give 100%. It’s going to be tough a lot of the time, but I’m so ready for the challenge!
Kim T
You’re brave to share this (I assume Chris has okayed you telling all this). You’re even more brave to have these tough conversations with Chris. Without a great marriage, or a marriage as a priority, everything is harder. The time of life with kids who are so needy for physical support, ie the toddler, baby phase, does pass, but as you’ve already found, it’s replaced by other phases. My kids don’t need me physically so much now, but they need more of me emotionally – two preteen girls, lord help me – that often means I’m spent when it comes to my husband. The good news is that he and I are on the same page, with knowing that we have to keep a strong marriage to survive all that comes our way. So anyway – my point is good for you to fight it out. I worry more about the couples who say they never fight, or who appear to always be apart from each other. When indifference is there, that’s when things really start to slide. All the best to you. There are ups and downs every year. 7 doesn’t have to be bad. Happy anniversary.
Sarah H.
Wonderful, Wonderful. Wonderful. My favorite part: ” We both have to get better – not because what we’re doing is not good enough, but because it just requires more effort now.” I am working on this right now in my own home! This week Ryan has come home with Natalie 30-45min later than usual because he has training and so it’s been a rush to do dinner, bath, bedtime all by 6:30–and I very much had the dinner coking, baby on the hip, trying to have a conversation with my husband as he hops around in the bedroom doorway changing his clothes–moment. Anyway I’ve decided my FAVORITE thing about parenting is getting to SHARE it with Ryan! Things with him are so much more fun than when I do it myself . So I totally agree about making the marriage a priority because when you enjoy being together and it’s not tense, everything is SO much better. We hit 7 on June 25th and this “7th year itch” hadn’t even occurred to me–I’ll be on the look out 😉
HeatherM
I hope this is the type of stuff that will be in your book, because these brutally honest and open posts about what it takes to get through marriage are my very favorite posts on your blog. Though I think we are about the same age, you are a few years ahead of me w/ kids, and it is SO helpful to watch and listen and learn from someone a few years ahead of you. I don’t have a big sister, but I’d imagine it’s like that, only with all of the sage reflection and examples and none of the drama or responsibility.
This post in particular really spoke to me. For the past year we’ve been slowly making career and life adjustments in preparation for having kids, and many of those pieces are starting to fall into place. But lately, I feel like God has been weighing on me to wait another year, to grow our marriage in that time, to finish my online degree, to travel to places we likely won’t be able to go w/ kids, and to just take one more year of enjoying just one another. In marriage, there are many storms you weather together, and kids are a big one. I’m such a “I can do anything if I set my mind to it” person that I think it was helpful for me to realize (again) that just because we can have kids right now doesn’t mean we should. I’m always thinking ahead, and this reminds me to stop and enjoy my marriage as it is right now, because it won’t always be like this, and to appreciate the ohase our relationship is in right now, rather than always gearing up and planning for that next phase. Thanks again for the great post.
Katie's Mom
Celebrating 32 years! No pearls of wisdom here, but I can say that early in our marriage when I felt lonely or we were in a slump – I had NO reference point. I would worry for days after an argument that our marriage was in trouble. MC gives so many a chance to see that all of us go through ebbs and flows in marriage. Its a natural part of any relationship. We’ve learned that the cycle of our marriage includes romance, disillusionment and joy. And it continues to over and over again – sometimes within the same week. But the depth of “joy” in that marriage cycle is indescribable. Sometimes its just having David reach over and hold my hand or sharing a private joke….well, there’s just nothing like it. Such a shame so many give us when they hit a “disillusionment” phase…thinking its the end of everything. So sad. If they could have just pushed through.
Amanda
I loved your post and came out of lurkdom to respond. 🙂 Last summer, my sister came to visit me for a week. She asked me to go get coffee and told me that she and her husband (going into their 6th year of marraige with a 3 year old daughter) had been struggling and that she was trying to figure out if she even wanted to stay married. She knew that my husband and I had struggled on and off throughout our now 13-year marriage so she asked for advice. And my response to her was this: “We have years that we like each other and years that we hate each other.” OK, maybe not hate, but we certainly didn’t like each other. But for us, divorce isn’t an option. So we stuck with it and survived on a day-by-day basis. With lots of prayer and lots of time, we’d slowly find that we were enjoying each other once again. Sometimes it took days and sometimes it took years. Our fifth was our worst – mainly because we had a young daughter, were struggling financially, and were having issues with our jobs. It wasn’t pretty. And we really spent that year trying to find reasons to stay together. We toughed it out and a year later, we discovered we could laugh together again. Stick with it, pray about it daily, and get counseling if it gets really bad. And eventually, you’ll find your love once again. I can honestly say we’re in a good spot in our marriage again. But I’m not naive enough to think we won’t hit one of those rough patches again later down the road.
Lydia
Preach it! We are going to be married for 8 years this June. Last year, we also had our 2nd baby, bought a new house, moved to another state, and changed jobs. I think we both thought in our heart that our marriage was NOT our first priority. We had one of our biggest fights in years a couple months ago and we were even thinking about going to see a counselor, first time ever. The normal stresses that married couples face are intensified with children only because you can’t devote yourself to listen and have heart to heart conversations with babies crying and toddlers throwing tantrums. Once again, thank you for sharing and making us feel like we are not alone in our struggles. What we have realized is that we have to make us a priority always. Like you said, when Mommy and Daddy are not getting along, the whole family is not happy. It’s so easy to put our marriage on the back burner, but it can’t be. Being from divorced parents, I have seen very clearly how two people can put their marriage last for too long, and then wake up one morning not knowing each other anymore. Scares me so much and so I know that we have to fight to keep our marriage a top priority. We know prayer and date nights are something we have to do more frequently. I don’t think marriage is necessarily “hard work” until children come into the picture because you have to battle harder to pay attention to each other. Thank you for being so honest about what you are going through. You have encouraged me.
Rachel @ The Ongoing Planner
Thanks for a brave glance into the future. I also appreciate the “don’t panic!” I’ll just focus on the being a better and bigger person part 🙂 And remember those little smiles that will always warm my heart.
Jordan
we are nearing the end of year 2 and i can say that is has been quite the challenge. thanks for the honesty and making me feel like i’m not alone on the days i throw my hands up in the air. 🙂
Danielle
I am in my seventh year of marriage with two little boys. I think the biggest strain for us is discipline. I was thinking the other night. Wow, most (if not all) the disagreements we have is because of the boys. I appreciate your blog. Thank you. I feel a little less alone.
Marie
Thank you so much for being brave enough to write these things! I’m using your post as a springboard for a conversation with my Hubby tonight. We’ve been together 7 years but married 2. What an interesting road it’s been!
jenny-bird
Thanks for your openness Katie and Chris. May year seven bring you closer together and lighter in spirit. My husband and I are in year three, and it’s clear to me that the level of effort we put in our relationship can make life seem either better or worse. I had been in a funk the past few months, you know, general life anxieties, and I stopped trying to be happy and trying to be considerate of my husband. It not only made my husband wanting more of my attention, but it also made me unhappier. We’re better now, and it doesn’t take such an effort for me to be happy again. But, I agree with your readers that if you put your marriage on the back burner for too long it will become cold quicker than you think. Temporary distractions could lead to years of indifference if you’re not wary.
Jessica
Our pastor was just preaching about marriage last sunday. I have to say it is so important to make your marriage a priority. One of the great insights he had was: we often see great dads who are awful husbands, but have you ever seen a great husband who is a terrible dad? Just throwing that out there for what it’s worth. Thanks for sharing!
Emily Y.
I really could not have read this post at a better moment. My husband and I never really got a chance to make our marriage the number one priority, as our first is a “honeymoon baby.” I sometimes wonder how we’d be if we’d had a few years of marriage under our belt before kids. But I know we all just do the best with what life brings us, and life brought us a kid to strengthen our marriage!
molly
Katie, I’ve been meaning to comment on this post. I read the whole thing through and although we’re not on year 7 yet, I could totally relate to what you’re writing here. I love how open and honest you are about how it’s not always a wonderful time to be married. It ebbs and flows and I think you did a great job explaining how it feels!
Kat
I read through this and there are a lot of thoughts on this, but I’m guessing that the 50-something comments above covered most of that.
Instead I would like to point out how truly impressed I am with the fact that you went and though about being upset/angry/agreeable with Chris’s Statement. I mean, WOW. I am so impressed. I believe my reaction would be to act on those emotions in the moment instead of give it some thought and come to a conclusion. This is why I continue to read and learn from your blog. You’re a very smart, patient, cookie, Katie. And I applaud that.
Holly, your biggest (not fattest) fan
i feel like “thank you” is much too trite to describe my gratitude for this post. but, thank you, since i can’t think of any other way to say it… and because i can’t buy you a Porsche.
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Laura
Really enjoyed reading your post. You have a way of explaining things that hit home on so many different levels. I appreciate the fact that you reveal authentic honesty through what you share. It’s refreshing to come across this page.