The Worst Party Guests Ever

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I’m about to tell you a story that has scarred me to my core. TO MY CORE, PEOPLE! It happened a couple weeks ago at Ginny and John Michael’s baby shower in Pensacola. It has taken me the past two weeks to get over the events in order to find humor in them in order to share them on the blog.

It has been a long two weeks. Memories like these don’t fade quickly, let me tell you.

Ginny and John Michael’s shower, as I’ve mentioned, was beautiful. It was in a beautiful place with beautiful people celebrating a beautiful couple. Beautiful. Everything. Beautiful. (keep that in mind)

So, my two yahoo children were wandering around throughout the party. I don’t mind saying that my wee tots are pretty well-behaved in public. They have their meltdown moments, don’t get me wrong. But we always enjoy taking them to social events, especially social events where everyone loves children and several sets of grandparents are on hand…

So, my two yahoo children were wandering around throughout the party, checking out the presents and flashing killer smiles at anyone who looked weak enough to give them a cookie from the food table. As we all sat down in the living room to watch Ginny and John Michael open their presents, Chris and I tried to keep the kids from becoming the center of attention. Anyone with kids knows that this is nearly impossible. People love watching small children. They’re just fascinating. So, in an effort to try to keep the focus on Ginny and John Michael, Chris and I were stuffing the kids full of food and drinks to keep them entertained, instead of letting them BE the entertainment. And we were doing a pretty good job.

Until Gracie stood up with her plastic sippy cup in her mouth and decided to go for a little stroll in front of everyone. As she was walking right in front of all the guests and the beaming parents-to-be, Gracie face-planted. I didn’t actually see the fall, so I’m not sure what happened. But she hit face first, right onto her plastic sippy cup that was in her mouth.

My first response was to jump up and grab her to sweep her out of the room before she started wailing and distracting everyone. But when I picked her up, blood came pouring out of her mouth and I realized she was really hurt. Still not wanting to be a complete distraction, and while now trying to comfort my heavily bleeding toddler, I whisked Gracie off to the nearest bathroom, only to find it occupied. So, I ran down to the next bathroom. Occupied. So, we went into the kitchen, which was just off the living room where the presents were being opened.

Gracie was screaming. SCREAMING. And there were so many people trying to help and so much stuff going on that I couldn’t get her to calm down. She was bleeding so badly that I couldn’t tell what was hurt, and I immediately thought to myself, “If I have another child with a chipped front tooth, I’m going to call Child Services on MYSELF.” I ended up tipping Gracie over the sink (because she was bleeding all over herself and me) and splashing water into her mouth to try to get some of the blood out of the way so that I could tell what was hurt. I finally saw that it really wasn’t as bad as I was thinking. She had cut the inside of her top lip. It was bleeding more because of where the cut was than because it was hurt any worse than any other cut on another part of her body. Finally, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now, that I knew she was going to be okay, I had to get her calm down so that she wasn’t screaming bloody murder in the middle of this beautiful shower.

I ended up taking her into the laundry room (where it was quieter and where less people were trying to help) and rocking her, trying to calm her down. About that time, I remember thinking, “Where is my husband?????” And who should appear but the man himself. He stuck his head into the laundry room and I instantly felt better that he had come to help instead of all these other people who were just freaking Gracie out more.

“Hey, can you take her outside? She’s being really distracting,” he said.

Being aware that there were several people around – including grandparents, our gracious hostess, and a few people I didn’t even know – I gave him the “I dare you to say that one more time” look and stormed out to the front yard, and Chris went back to the party.

So, now I’m sitting out on the front lawn, covered in blood, holding a baby who is covered in blood, wondering what I’m going to do with us because – again – I’m trying not to make a scene in the middle of my sister’s beautiful baby shower.

And here comes Bean.

“Mommy,” he said, “I had a assident.”

I kid you not, Bean has not had an accident in over four months. Maybe five. Naturally, this was the day he would have one.

“Where’s Daddy?” I asked him.

“He’s inside,” he said. “I’s sawy, Mommy.”

Well, now what do you say to that?!?!?

“It’s okay, Buddy,” I told him, and pulled him into my lap with me and Gracie.

Perfect. Now I was covered in blood and urine. Awesome.

AND WHERE THE HELL WAS MY HUSBAND?!?!?

Thankfully, Chris’s mom came out front to check on things and I think I snapped something to her like, “CouldyoupleasefindyoursonbeforeIkillhim?!?!!” and she must have known someone was about to get their head chewed off because she left quickly and about 2 seconds later Chris appeared.

(insert argument here with colorful language that is inappropriate, both in front of our small children and in front of a beautiful baby shower)

After the argument, Chris ended up taking Bean home to his mom’s house, which was about 2 minutes away, to change clothes because, naturally, this was the ONE day that I left home without an extra change of clothes for Bean in my diaper bag. He returned, I passed him Gracie, who promptly bled all over him, and we decided to call it a day. After all, this shower was about celebrating the miracle of babies, and our family was rapidly bleeding and peeing all over that miracle. All while wearing party clothes, no less.

In the end, Chris and I took our two bloody, pee-covered offspring and headed home to ice Gracie’s fat lip and bathe them from head to toe. We may not be the picture of perfect parenthood, but what’re you gonna do? Babies fall down, accidents happen, tempers flair. It’s all part of the fun, right?

At least, I hope it is because that’s what I told my wide-eyed sister when we tried to hug goodbye without getting blood or pee on her beautiful white dress as we left the party. She didn’t look like she believed me, but I insisted in that sweet tea syrupy Southern accent that overcomes me in my hometown, “Oh, honey, babies are FUN!”

Let’s hope she believes me.

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23 thoughts on “The Worst Party Guests Ever

  1. Gracie and Beanie's Nana

    I was there and can bear witness to everything stated above. And yet, I was still the proudest Nana there!

  2. NovaKristin

    Oh Katie! What a day honey. First off, I’m so glad Gracie wasnt seriously injured. Secondly I have to applaud you! Had it been me, my husband would have considered himself lucky to be alive.

  3. Joanie

    I love the look on your and Chris’s face…that’s a priceless story to tell your kids when they ate parents.

  4. Heather

    What a sweet comment from Nana!

  5. Sarah H.

    You look so different in that picture! Well…I’m glad that you survived the day? lol. I bet in another 18 months or so Ginny will get it 🙂

  6. “…our family was rapidly bleeding and peeing all over that miracle.” Best. Line. Ever!! LOVE this post, Katie. I can exactly picture this happening to me.

  7. I hope you can laugh at the chaos of this situation. It could have been blood and feces and a trip to the ER…just saying, it could always be worse. Good for you for staying calm and being so sweet to Bean. When things like this happen in the future I hope my fiance backs me up. Also, you look blonde! When did this happen?

  8. Whoa. Kudos to you. It would have been hard not to have a Jerry Springer style fight over that. I would have been pretty ticked at the hubs too.

  9. […] See original article: The Worst Party Guests Ever […]

  10. Sandy

    after you said you stuffed them with cookies and such, i thought for sure you were going to say they threw up all over the guest and or gifts. and unfortunately if i were you, i would still not be talking to my husband =o(

  11. Mouth wounds bleed like you murdered someone. Always looks worse than they are. Isn’t it typical that the husband is enjoying the party and you’re taking care of the mess?! That always happens in my house! Makes me furious.

  12. Deepa

    Great post! You are obviously a great writer, but you’re story-telling skills really shine in these types of posts. My mom and I are still laughing about how Chris asked you to take Gracie outside.

  13. I have no doubt that argument was a 5-Star argument! I would have absolutely ripped Brad’s head off if something like that happened… but knowing me, and our setup with the kids at parties… it probably would’ve been ME who said something like that to Brad and who was totally clueless at the meltdown happening around me.

  14. Nikki

    Wow…talk about a hectic party for you! I know I shouldn’t laugh at other people’s misery, but you made it so hard not to! Also, you can really tell in that picture how much weight you have lost. It’s really showing in your face. Looking good, lady!

  15. I’m sorry to be giggling in one sense and in another I just can’t help it. I still can’t figure out why my hubby looks at me and expects that we won’t have moments like you did at some point. Its called life…it happens. But really Ginny – babies are SOOOO sweet. 🙂

  16. I’m sorry, but I was giggling this entire post. Not because the events were funny, but because a) the way you write it is humorous & it is wonderful that you found the humor enough to write about it and b) as parents, we have ALL BEEN THERE. Actually, let me rephrase… as Mommas, we have all been there!

  17. Beanie & Gracie's Nana

    I know I’ve used up my comment space already, but reading Casey’s comments reminded me of years ago when you and Ginny were probably 1 and 2 years old. We were headed out the door headed to some event and Dad was complaining about how ALWAYS were late. Just as he got to the car door he turned around and looked at me. I had Gin on my hip, you by the hand, diaper bag on shoulder, small toy bag and a baked casserole. I think it dawned on him right then. “I guess I could help, huh?” You think?????

  18. kat

    omg this sounds exactly like what would happen if it was my fam. I would have probably smacked the hubs though lol

  19. Lindsay

    Love this post, totally sounds like Cary and I. Love Nana’s second post too! Sounds like us too! 🙂 Husbands really are just CLUELESS sometimes.

  20. vicky

    BRAVO! You deserve 5 stars! That’s a lot to handle but you all kept your composure pretty well under the circumstances! It’s so funny how your husband’s reaction was pretty much EXACTLY the way my husband reacts when these things happen… 🙂

  21. Laughing out loud AS USUAL!! My family always says that we need our own reality show, and I think this whole “incident” would have been a great episode on YOUR own reality show!

  22. Dude, if that ain’t a real picture of being a mama, I don’t know what is. I have a friend who always has parenting stories of sunshine and rainbows and I just roll my eyes. And I think we’ve all had that situation with our husband. Oy, men…..

  23. Dessi

    You make even the most unpleasant of events into the most amazing and entertaining blog posts! Thanks for the laugh! It is funny how everything comes tumbling all at once isn’t it?!?! Thus is life!

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