Married to a Workaholic
One of the things that I love most about Chris is his work ethic. You won’t find too many people who are as committed and loyal as Chris is. When he takes on a project, task, or job, he gives it nothing less than 110% for 110% of the time. He is as dependable of a person as you can find. All of this is well and good in an employee or team member. But it can be downright irritating in a spouse. Because when Chris goes above and beyond at work, his home life sometimes pays the price.
The problem with being married to someone who is so committed to their work is that you sound like a real brat when you complain about it. What am I supposed to say, “Quit being so awesome at work and take me out to dinner” or “Stop being so dependable and help me with the dishes”? I can’t say those things. But if I’m really honest, I think them.
And sometimes I text them to my friend Sarah with really mad emoticon figures doing inappropriate gestures.
If it were a vice that Chris was giving all this time to, I would have no problem speaking up and saying, “Hey, dude. Your priorities are screwed up.” But it’s hard to find a way to say that about someone who is working really hard. Especially when their paycheck is the ONLY paycheck all summer long. I am grateful for and dependent on Chris working so hard.
But as right or wrong as it is to feel like I do, it’s how things are. I’m frustrated with Chris working so much. The weird thing is that I’m not blaming Chris for this. I’m not picking fights or pointing fingers or placing blame. I’m really not. In fact, I tell him how proud I am of how hard he is working, and I listen and talk to him about all his problems and situations at work every night when he gets home. But at some point, I just want to scream at SOMEONE, “Hey! I’m over this!”
I planned a little weekend getaway for our family for this coming weekend. I thought it would be nice time for us all to get away – no phones, no iPads, no emails. But any time I talk to Chris about it, he seems not only uninterested, but downright irritated. “This is a really hard time to get away,” or “We don’t really have the money right now.” But, you know, it’s a weekend. Two days. One night. It ain’t going to kill or bankrupt us. But instead of yelling out, “SUCK IT UP!” like I want to, I just say, “I know,” and then move on to talk about something else.
I think the most frustrating part of this whole thing is that Chris does just enough to get by at home without me being able to point to something and say, “See?” He’s home for dinner and bedtime with the kids when he has to work late, which is awesome. What kind of awesome person does that? He leaves work for a couple hours to come help me get them fed and in bed, but then he has to be back up at work for tech rehearsals. And while it’s great that he can come home and help with the kids, what about me? I miss him, too. But how can I complain about that when he’s doing just enough to say he’s doing enough? We have swimming lessons every day at 6:00. Now, I realize that Chris can’t always get home for those lessons. But he has only made it to a few of them, not nearly as many as I had hoped. But he shows up when I directly ask him (like the week that Bean was scared), so how can I say that he isn’t doing enough? He’s there when he has to be, isn’t he? He’s showing up when it counts. But what about those times when it doesn’t count, and it would just be nice if he were there?
This isn’t a new issue in our marriage. Chris has always been a hard worker, and sometimes I have had to wait. When we were younger, I would go crazy on him. He’d come home and I’d yell at him for those precious few minutes we had together, and then he’d head back up to school or work again, and I would feel even worse. I’ve learned since then. Yelling isn’t the solution because this isn’t necessarily something that is Chris’s fault. It’s part of who he is. I can’t change that about him. He is dependable, and that builds a great reputation in business, which means a lot of things get put on Chris because people know he’ll take care of it. That’s not something to blame him for, and yelling or fighting about it isn’t the right solution. Yelling or fighting is rarely a solution to anything, really. It’s just a symptom.
When we became new parents, I changed my approach and went with the kids. That’s always a good way to win an argument – “but it’s for the kids, honey,” or “don’t you want this for the kids?” – but that’s a very underhanded way to win an argument. And, let me tell you, I have seen lots of marriages with resentment built up because the kids were put in the middle of adult situations. ‘Tis no good, my friends. Leave the little ones out of it.
But that leaves me at this new stage in our relationship. Seven years in (oy!). Patient enough to not jump all over him. Kind enough to not blame him. Wise enough to not guilt him. But struggling with how to communicate needs with him now. Maybe that’s at the center of the seven year itch. Maybe it’s that every seven years, your communication style needs to change and some couples just don’t know how to do that. The problem is that a lot of couples give up trying to find the right communication style. One has worked for so long that it seems ridiculous to change things now. But I’m willing to do that. I can find another way to communicate with him. While Chris and I have always been direct in our communication, it is the presentation of the communication that we need to work on. How do we talk to each other now when there is a problem?
Well, here’s this radical idea I’m going to try:
I’m going to put the kids down tonight. And I’m going to sit next to Chris on the couch. And I’m going to say, “You are killing me with this work thing at this moment, my love.” And then we will talk about it. Like adults. I’ll tell him how proud I am of him. How I love the example he is setting for the kids, and even for me. How I know he is doing great things, and making great strides forward. But that we miss him at home. Not that we miss having him around to help (though that is part of it), but that we just miss having him there. Present, both mentally and physically. And then I’m going to tell him that I know he has a lot happening at work, but there is a lot happening here, too. And besides, I do his laundry, and you should always keep the laundress happy…
Yes, I think that is what I shall do. Because love is found in all aspects of a marriage, including the stressful aspects. It’s just up to me to put the love in the center.
35 Comments
Katerita
I like you. 🙂 We’re in the middle of packing up our house, and my husband has been there the whole time the movers are – cleaning and organizing and helping – and then he heads in to work as soon as the movers leave. Today my solution was to take a jog over to the office, request the car from him … oh, and I sent him an email an hour in advance explaining what I’d like to do to/with him when he comes home with me. 😉 (Of course, that’s paired up with the long conversation we had last night about how I’m not judging him or blaming him … I just like to be with him.)
jess
great post katie. i always read, hardly ever comment, but this one hit home for me. my hub is a orthopedic surgery resident – we’ve been married 5 yrs and have a 17 mo old with one on the way! it’s hard to be married to someone who loves what they do and is great at it – i struggle with all of it as well. and can’t exactly guilt him – if he were my doctor i’d want all his attention and focus in my time of need. but that being said we have had discussion about how being a father and husband is his most important job, and delegating and trusting his coworkers and being able to say no and prioritize when he has the opportunity is important. it’s a work in progress, but aren’t we all. he does he best to race home for bathtime and we try to make schedules and decisions that work with his commitments most of the time. and sometimes i groan and moan and get fed up too! it’s a delicate balance – but knowing he is one of the best at what he is doing and he truly enjoys it makes it all worth (most of the time!) from the looks of it chris is an amazing dad and husband and your luckier than a lot of woman i know in that department – hope the balance comes! all the best.
heather
How are you going with your workaholic husband? I am married, 6 children, only two at home, workaholic doctor husbands, loves his job and his patients love him – but he gets home and is totally spent.
One thing I have learnt, you can change ONLY yourself, not someone else.
I am wondering how you have gone?
Melissa
So I’m not the only wife with this problem?! My husband was a truck driver for our first 7 years of marriage. At times he was gone for a week or two, but more recently he was home most nights which spoiled me. In May he took a new job and now he’s gone a minimum of three nights/week. Lately he’s been going on 8 and 9 day trips out of town and I can’t stand it! We have a 5 yr old, 2 yr old and the baby will be one tomorrow. I’m a teacher as well so I understand your feelings there…I just wanted him home so we could be a family this summer! Thanks for sharing how you cope and for letting me know I’m not alone! Hope your conversation goes well!
Deanna
I’m so curious to see how your conversation goes. We have so been where you are, when my husband was doing good and amazing work as a Program Director at a Christian camp. But we missed him.
Two things really helped us. First, we read “Choosing to Cheat” by Andy Stanley. Radically changed our attitudes about work/life balance and taught us that my husband has a job at work, but he also has a job at home. And that job at home is his God-given priority. No one else can be a husband to me and a father to our children. Other people could do the job at work if called upon to do it.
The second thing we did was put up some boundaries. We were honest with employers and friends about the priority of family life. Now this might sound easier when it comes to working in ministry versus a secular job, but it honestly isn’t and we had to walk away from an amazing ministry job because of how much they wanted my husband to sacrifice our family for the sake of the ministry. And I believe with all my heart that we should honor God by putting His priorities as our priorities. And I am witness to the ways He cares for you if you do.
This topic is one I am very passionate about, and we have struggled through to make our marriage much stronger. Please email me if you want to talk more.
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I’ve been running into a similar issue with this and really struggling with being loving. We don’t have kids yet and the whole reasoning per my hubby is “So we can enjoy each other more” but he also never wants to take off work OR travel with me. I like your approach and maybe I’ll try that tonight to see how it works for me.
Catherine
Oh, Katie, you are speaking my life here. I am dealing with the exact same situation (and am also 7 years into marriage as of this past June!). My husband is so, so dedicated at work, but he ends up working 50-60 hours M-F and then coming home and constantly being on his Blackberry emailing and whatnot; plus he’s traveling more than ever – about 6 days a month. It’s not constant, but he’s just taken on a promotion right as his boss is about to go on maternity leave, so he’s doing her job and his new job plus a bit of his old job. And there’s no easy answer for him. He can’t not do his job, but that doesn’t make it easier for me (or our two-year-old daughter), you know? Such a rock and a hard place. I hope your talk goes well!
Emily
Oh Katie, I can completely relate. It’s really hard, especially with little ones. We’ve been married seven years as well, with two small kids (4 and 1) and this summer has been rough. My husband’s job is important to him on so many levels, and me too. I’m a stay at home mom, and while I am immensely proud of his work ethic, sometimes I just *need* him home. The kids need him to be around, even if it’s just to wrestle around for a bit. And more often that not, I just want to sit back, relax, and catch up with him. Because my husband often has work to do after he gets home, we’ve called a moratorium on any work related tasks until the kids are down for the night. It’s much easier for me when he’s present (mentally and physically) for dinner and bedtime, and I don’t mind as much that he’s doing work if he’s right beside me on the couch. So it’s getting better. We’re also taking a small “stay-cation” to Pensacola Beach at the end of the month. Since we live across the bridge, it’s not far, but it will be fun to stay at a hotel and do the fun beachy things with the kids. Sure, it’s a luxury that maybe shouldn’t be a priority right now, but we’re deciding to see it as an investment in our family.
I guess, when all else fails, it’s love and humor that get us through! Thanks for posting!
Kat
Hope that the conversation went well. And hope that you will write about it some time.
It’s so hard, this balance of marriage, work, life, self, kids, etc. I feel like every time I balance one thing, another one feels out of balance.
We had a work conversation a while back and things have been going really great (well, I can complain, but we all know that gets you nowhere). Then we had to re balance the me time. And then that got dipped too far and had to re balance married. OY can’t a girl get a break?
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
Sounds like a great plan to me! I hope it goes better than you can imagine, that Chris feels how loved he is by all his people at home… and I hope that you guys get to spend more time together as a family =)
Andrea
It feels good to know that I’m not alone in this problem! My husband is the assistant manager at a large hardware/lumber chain store. He usually has at least 3-4 days where he has to work long shifts ending at 9 p.m. and our days off are never the same. He has been such a faithful, hard worker for this company for the last seven years, but never seems to stand up for himself or catch a break with the schedule. Meanwhile, several employees have M-F/9-5 schedules. I realize that, as assist. man. he will never have this schedule, but everytime I mention either a)talking to his boss (a lovely, family-oriented man) or b)switching jobs, he just comes up with a silly excuse about not being smart enough to have a better job.This is what gets me–When he really wants to take off, he will ask, but if I ask him to, he acts as if it’s out of his hands. Argh. This crazy schedule has been a point of contention since we got married (six years ago) and we now have a 2 year old son. I’d like to know how your talk goes, because I’m not sure how to handle this anymore without a huge fight…. Thanks for your posts! I appreciate them.
Allison
This is a great post! I think it accurately describes a lot of women. My husband and I struggle with the same issue. He is a law student and is very involved in various organizations with the school. We are newlyweds, so sometimes I want 100% percent of his attention. But, as you said, it’s hard to find a balance between being so proud of their work ethic and expressing our needs!
El
I am so in the same place. My husband has a great work ethic that I have always respected. But we have a 3 1/2 year old and a 16 month old. It is hard when is working late consistently or out of town (average of 1 week per month this year). I work full time too, so when I get home in the evenings, it is nice to have his help with dinner and the kids. Luckily, over the 7 years of our marriage, if I “remind” him that he has been working late a lot, he usually tries to cut back or at least be home earlier most nights. When he’s travelling, I feel like a single parent, and trust me, I have a huge amount of respect for single parents. So I know how you feel Katie, and I hope your discussion with Chris goes well, and you two can figure out a way to make things go smoother. The kids are only young once, as I remind my husband.
Hilary
Have you ever read the book, “The Five Love Languages”? My pastor talked about some of the principles in it and I downloaded on my Kindle. I could not believe the wonderful wisdom and practicality of this book. It is awesome and although my husband did not read it, I discussed it with him and apply the advice to our relationship. It has made such a positive difference and we already had a pretty good thing going. But like you and Chris, we are in year 7 of our marriage, have two little kids, and recently purchased a home so kids and increased financial pressure has taken its toll. However, this book was so good, that I immediately ordered a copy for my cousin and her fiance as well as “The Five Love Languages: the guys’ edition.” I would definitely recommend reading it – it should be a must-read for all couples going through marriage prep!!
HeatherM
This is the story of my life! My husband is an amazingly hard worker- and it has taken him very far in his career. He is an artist and a photography teacher, and he is SO dedicated to his students- he stays late every day, builds frames for his students that can’t afford to buy them when they get work into shows, and it goes on and on. I think he learned to be a workaholic from his father, who works about 80-100 hours every week. I take two approaches with this: 1) I talk with him about how we all have two jobs: our job that earns a paycheck, and our jobs at home. I want him to approach his home’family job with the same dedication and diligence that he approaches his paycheck job. Recently he had to go away on business for the first time ever- for 12 days. I made him mow the lawn, take care of little projects around the house, help me clean, etc before he left, even though he also was busy packing and preparing for his trip. I explained that if you take time off of work you have to make up the work before and after your time off, and if you take time off from household responsibilities, you have to do the same thing. 2) I remind him that while his father worked his mother was a SAHM and could take care of the household, but I work more than full time too, so we have to have more equality in our house- we need to both be allowed to have careers, and both be responsible for the household responsibilities. For us, it is an issue of teaching him about gender equality- all of the women in his family were SAHM’s, and he has had to learn how it is different to be married to a woman with her own career. I’ve also learned that because our family is different than the other couples in his family, his mother, SIL, cousin, aunts, grandma, etc don’t usually understand when I place household responsibilities on him too- they see this as good old fashioned women’s work.
The hardest thing for me is to not take it personally. When Nate is tuned out or crabby, I know now that he’s usually going through a hard time with work. But it spills over into our relationship and it feels like I am doing something wrong, and worst of all, there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the problem affecting our relationship during that season . I just have to be patient and supportive and wait it out in the mean time (while still making it clear he needs to carry his weight at home too).
Beret
I have been married to my wonderful hard-working husband for close to 13 years and this has always been an issue. Sean has the best work ethic of anyone I have ever met.
He works 60 hours a week at his family-owned business. This is non-negotiable because the type of business they run requires it. His office is 3 miles away though so at least he doesn’t commute.
For the first 5 years of our marriage I would nag him about how late he had to work (usually 7 most nights), about why he had to work Saturdays, etc. Gradually I figured out it didn’t help AT ALL. He works so I can stay home with the kids. He works for US. He is happy to work, lucky to have a job, and I need to suck it up. The thing is, when he is with us he’s WITH us. He rarely goes out with the guys or takes time for his own hobbies. He spends his free time with me and the kids.
I’ve noticed as our kids have gotten older (dd is 10, ds is 7) Sean and I have more time together. We have been going on more dates, having more sex (tmi, sorry), and generally moving from the all encompassing baby/toddler stage to the second honeymoon stage that can come with older children.
I have friends whose husbands are lazy, who are never home by choice, and I have to thank God I married the man I did.
Bahia
I know exactly what you mean! My husband is the dependable workaholic too. He gives everything his all, but that means it’s hard for him to know when to say no. It’s nice to hear about other people who are in the same situation.
Andie
I see a lot of people relate with you Katie! Count me in as another person who can relate as well. I’ve been with my lovely husband since we were 17 yrs old and even from such a young age I knew how hard working he was. In college he was always busy(engineering degree) and I resented him a lot for not being around. Now that we’re married and he has an amazing job I am so proud of him but at the same time I can’t help but feel a little anger when he stated he wanted to start a business with a friend so on top of his work he is also busy trying to start this new venture! But like you said I am constantly showing him my support and we’re all about communicating so hopefully we can always find a balance between his working and sharing our lives together 🙂
Margaret @ three acres
The counselor in me started reading this and getting worried. Too often these problems spiral out of control and end badly. BUT I really think you finished this post out with as much wisdom as I’ve seen! Here’s the thing: I don’t think this is just a workaholic problem. I have a husband who’s finished with grad school and looking for a job so he has LOTS of free time. 😉 I *still* find myself seething when he gets home from an afternoon of meetings/interviews/studying for ceritification in his field and thinking, “Wow, I really want him to be doing x and he’s doing y.” Y is always something good, like starting dinner, but I want him to sit down or take the baby. I’ve had to check my heart and remind myself that sometimes I need to be quiet. On the flipside, I’ve noticed periods of time where I’m TOO quiet, where I need to speak up and say, “Hey, here’s what I need from you.” I hope you guys figure this one out (and I DO hope you get to go away soon!), but I think you’re so wise about this, Katie!
Meredith
I can so relate. No kids, but my partner works about 80-90 hrs/week 7 days/week. He obviously LOVES it. In the beginning it was tough. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to deal and then like it. It’s strange, but I like that I am alone most of Saturday and Sunday and can do whatever I want. I like having my apt to myself. I like traveling alone. I have outside interests the pull me out of the house 4-5 nights a week. Him working so much actually frees me to be able to pursue so many outside interests. Obviously, this wouldn’t work for everyone, but it does for us. If we had kids though I bet it would be totally different. Let us know how it goes! I love hearing about this sort of thing on your blog.
PJ
As the child of a workaholic father, please do use the kids as an excuse. Especially as they get older. They won’t remember whether or not he was home at this age; but, they will remember if he made it soccer games and school plays when they are older.
laurenbtrain
Yes please keep us posted. I am right there with you. My hubby oversees a team who runs 24/7. He works like crazy and I am so proud of him for it but I crave him at home with me and our little girl…I am preggo too. I dont want to make him feel bad but I want him to know how much we need him too. I am so thankful for his provision though so its a double edged sword. We are also at a cross road where with his job being so busy and crazy I may quit mine. Its too much to have both of us running like chickens with our heads cut off so I may focus on things at home. This sounds great (though it will probably financially strap us for a bit) but I suck at cooking, cleaning, and all of the other typical SAHM stuff. UGH! Thanks for sharing your heart on this. We are right there with you! P.S. We are the ones who met yall at St. Mtn a year or so ago 🙂
Laura B
I have the same problem! Compounded by his need to have fun and cut loose a little bit (very understandable). No matter what I’ve tried, he always feels like I’m mad at him. I’m not MAD, I just miss feeling our partnership in things.
Alaina
That’s a tough one…I completely understand. There are weeks when T works all the time, and I feel like I’m carrying the load. But I also do it too. It is so important to spend that time together, though. Sometimes it’s not always easy, though.
Chloe
I completely understand! I’m a workaholic, and my husband is always telling me I should stop working and relax, but it’s not easy! I’m starting a new business as a wedding photographer and that’s a lot of work… It’s overwhelming. It’s difficult to balance work, family and friends.
Adrienne
Great post, you are such a great writer. Can’t wait to see more excerpts from your manuscript. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Staci
This was one of the issues that plagued my marriage. I would tend towards being a workaholic but it was more because I felt appreciated when I was there. It’s a totally different issue but if my ex could have approached me in the way you’re talking about approaching Chris, that one issue might have been totally resolved.
Please don’t think I’m inferring he’s doing it for any other reason than because of his commitment to work, it just got me thinking how much I appreciate your approach.
Seven years and much, much wisdom.
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
“But that leaves me at this new stage in our relationship. Seven years in (oy!). Patient enough to not jump all over him. Kind enough to not blame him. Wise enough to not guilt him. But struggling with how to communicate needs with him now. Maybe that’s at the center of the seven year itch. Maybe it’s that every seven years, your communication style needs to change and some couples just don’t know how to do that.”
YES. We are in our seventh year together and we’ve been having the same issue. We are both trying to communicate our needs in a better way..and it often doesn’t work! Makes me feel better to know we are not alone.
Dan
Hi, having recently split from a workaholic partner, I would like to give some advice on how I would handle the situation – if I’d known what I know now. A workaholic is someone who has a compulsive need to work. They get a ‘high’ from working hard, which they struggle to get elsewhere. It is a type of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. They exhibit all the classic traits of an addict – of which denial is one! I could ramble on about this for hours, as a scientist I’ve read a lot of research on it. It affects the addict but it ALSO affects their family / spouses. Here are my suggestions:-
You have to be very careful how you tackle conversations the amount of work they do – they will probably get defensive and if not initially, will at some stage accuse you of being needy if you’re not careful. There is a reason that people work compulsively, try to find out what it is. Do not raise it as a big issue, but tell them you miss them and love them, and ask them why do they feel they have to work so many hours? Do they enjoy it? – and build on it from there.
You will not be able to sort it out with one conversation, it is very complex. Do lots of research on the Internet and buy a few books on the subject. There are lots of workaholism questionnaires on the Internet as well. The minute you argue with them about it or stress them out about it, it can turn into a downward spiral, because you will find often, a reason they work compulsively, is that they are already stressed. Good luck x
Brenna
Katie, I just saw your Twitter update on the sidebar. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. My heart is heavy for you and your whole family. There’s never a “right” time to say goodbye to someone you love, but it seems like the timing of this is especially hard seeing as your sister is so close to having her new baby and with school starting this next week. I hope you continue to feel the peace you need to get through this time. Your family will definitely be on my mind and in my prayers.
Julie S.
I can totally relate. My husband farms, which should be a spring/fall busy season. But then he took a job for my parents, which is a summer busy season. And a snowplow job. And a seed sales job. The list goes on and on and on. I know he works hard so that I can stay home with the kids, but doing it alone in those busy times gets old FAST. Great reminder on how to approach the subject!
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Aaron and I are both workaholics, but since I am freelance I go from crazy busy for months to doing nothing for months. Once the school year starts, Aaron is work work work work work. Sometimes it hard–especially in the spring when he is at conferences and recruiting students and I am left home with P-Bo for most of March. But no matter how annoyed I get I try to remember that he has a pretty kick a$$ job which he loves and that job pays our bills.
lori
Thank you all for the posts. Just what I needed to read today. I’m glad I am not alone and not the only one who feels like a brat for wanting more time with my spouse.
Donald
I am a man who is in the final stages of divorce to a very powerful corporate ceo woman. It can happen the other way around, too. At first I was supportive as her career began to skyrocket and I was enthusiastic for her. Eventually I began to pull back on my support as I could no longer support the very thing that was pulling us apart. Knowing what I know now I would have tried to insist on a more traditional husband/wife role. I am no slouch and my own career would have provided a comfortable life for us. This breaks my heart……….
Colleen
Hello. I also have a husband that works all the time and is totally in love with his job. Sometimes it really feels like the job is another woman!! LOL And even writing that just now I feel like a total jerk because he is the only provider for the 2 of us. I am 30 years old and have been permanently disabled for the last 5 years.
My hubby works at a huge hotel and he is the I.T. manager there. He started at the bottom and worked his way up, so I know his job means a lot to him. He wants to provide for me so bad but he just doesn’t get that his time with me is more valuable than presents or money. I mean, can’t we find a common ground like he just works 8 hour days 5 days a week? To me that sounds like a lot of work, but he says he is required to do at least 10 hours a day. Isn’t that illegal to require more than 8?
I’ve tried approaching this problem for the last 4 years every way possible. And what really sucks is we literally never used to fight before he got his “career”. It really is such a hard fight to win when I don’t work. He constantly throws in my face that I just don’t understand what it’s like to provide for someone else. Grrrr.
But I love him. And I will never give up. What I started doing recently is every day when he leaves we write on a calendar what time he’s out and what time he gets back home. Because I think he doesn’t really understand just how much he is away from the house. I just feel so lonely all the time.
You are lucky because you have kids to keep you company.
Anyway, it’s really nice to meet another woman going through the same situation as me. I hope we can be friends. I live in the Florida Keys, how about you?