I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts, for obvious reasons, I guess. It has really been bothering me, though. My dad passed away the week before classes started, which was the week of pre-planning for teachers. That is the week that you spend getting your classroom all set up, your lessons planned for the first few weeks of school, and taking care of all the administrative crap that comes with teaching. Because I missed that week, I have felt off at school ever since it started four weeks ago as I struggle to get myself caught up.
My blog has been no different. Before my dad passed away, I had taken on a lot of reviews to do over the next few months. I take on reviews for products that I actually use, and all at once there were a ton of them. I wasn’t complaining because that’s part of how my family supports itself, but I try to spread them out between my real postings so that my whole blog doesn’t feel like one giant billboard. And then, suddenly, things changed and it was hard for me to blog. I was behind in school, and so my free time at home was being spent grading papers (something I try not to do at home normally) instead of blogging. So that meant my blog became primarily ads, reviews, and the occasional incredibly sad and depressing real post. You all have been too kind to stick around during these crappy blog weeks, but it has weighed on me that the quality of my content has dragged.
Basically, I’ve just felt like I’m running to catch up with everything in all areas of my life. And, oddly, another thing that had to be sacrificed was running. I have only run once or twice since Dad died. Some of that at first was just exhaustion and sadness. I didn’t feel like getting up and doing anything. But then it became more about time. My time was spent trying to catch up on it all and making time for family and friends (most of whom I’ve done an equally crappy job of catching up with lately…), and so my running fell by the wayside. I hate that. I can feel it in my bones – and see it in my waistline.
At the end of each day, I would lay in bed and think, “If I could just have one day to catch up on things…”
Finally, one night last week, I woke up in the middle of the night with all these thoughts of unfinished things running through my head and I caught myself thinking once again, “If I could just have one day to catch up on things…” And then I sat up in bed, opened my eyes wide, and it was like the light had been flipped on inside of me.
I don’t have a day. Who EVER has a day? Who EVER has enough time? It doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, or parenting, or working, or school, or whatever it is that is going on in your life. Who EVER has enough time for it all? I can sit around waiting and wishing for extra time, but that’s just wasting the precious little time that I do have.
If I wanted to get things done, then I needed to just do them.
So last week, I made myself a big long list of things I needed to do to get caught up at school. Then I came home and made myself a big long list of things I needed to do a home. Then I blogged about something funny and insignificant. Then I dusted off my running shoes and my half marathon training schedule and planned out a running program that I’m starting tomorrow. I’ve spend the past week checking things off those lists. Any spare time I had, I pulled one of my lists out and worked to cross something off. And with each check mark, I felt a little bit of weight lift off my shoulders.
Today, I crossed the last thing off my last list. Then, Gracie actually floated at swimming lessons, I came home to a good dinner in the crock pot, the kids were in great moods before they went to bed, and I got to write a little bit for my favorite magazine. It’s been a good day, and for the first time in a long time, I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. Because my slate is clean. My desk, my calendar, and my head are clear.
You can’t wait for the perfect conditions. Bloom where you are planted, Katie. And so today, I cleared the soil and planted the seeds. I think I’m ready to start blooming again.