Good Day, Bad Days
Well, kids. I’m not going to lie. I had a rough weekend. I was actually doing fine and thought that I could do two things that I hadn’t done regularly since my dad died – go running and go to church. I ran once two or three weeks ago, and it was pretty awful. I made it down the block, but barely. And I hadn’t tried again. Finally, this weekend, I thought I would not only go running, but I would start my routine back. Great idea, right? It’s been six weeks since Dad died. It’s time.
Apparently not.
One of the songs on my playlist is Carrie Underwood singing, “How Great Thou Art.” Not the greatest song to hear when you’re mourning the loss of a loved one. While it was playing, I had the most clear memory of sitting in church with my dad. And it dawned on me that my dad loved to go to church with me and my sister. When we would come home to visit, he would always sit in between us and at random points during the service, he’d squeeze our hands or put his arm around our shoulders. As a parent now, I understand that. You feel closer to your kids when you feel closer to God. (Or maybe you feel closer to God when you feel closer to your kids?) Anyway, for the first time since he passed I remembered the FEELING of my Dad loving me so much, and that caught me so off-guard that I had to stop running in the middle of my run and I cried all the way home.
The next morning was Sunday and I got up and thought that maybe it was time for me to go back to church. Maybe it would feel good to be in the place with the memory of my dad. Chris had to take care of some things, so he wasn’t able to go with me. But I wasn’t worried. Other than my breakdown on my run, I had been doing pretty good. Surely I could make it through a church service.
Notsomuch.
I dropped the kids in the nursery and at Sunday School and headed into the family life center where the contemporary service is held. I sat down and the first praise song came on and so did my tears. And for the first time in my whole life, I picked up my things and walked out of a church service. There was just no way I could sit through it. But my kids still had an hour in their classes, so I walked into the sanctuary, which was empty since everyone was in the family life center. So, I sat in the empty church and cried for about 20 minutes. Then I prayed for a while. And then I just sat in the stillness, something I haven’t done since Dad’s passing. And as sad as that might seem, it was actually very therapeutic and healing. I spent the entire hour of “church” in my own private church service, and I decided that if I needed to sit in a big, empty church for the next couple of Sundays until going to church isn’t so raw for me, then that’s okay.
By the time I got home from church, I was emotionally exhausted. 24 hours of total sadness is heavy to carry and it makes you want to take a big, fat nap for a couple days. But instead, Chris had the brilliant idea that he was going to wash our cars and that it might be good for the whole family to come sit out in the front yard for a while. I’m so glad he was right. Hanging out with the kids, laughing with Chris, and soaking up the very end of summer was just what my heart needed.
So, you know, some days are sunnier than others. But that’s true if you’re grieving or if it’s just a random Tuesday. What can ya do? You just hunker down through the harder days and soak up the sunshine on the better ones.
15 Comments
Beth
I don’t have anything inspirational to say. Just wrapping you in love. <3
Michelle | Letters from Boston
Luckily, for every bad day, there will be a good day to help you keep moving forward. Thank God for your beautiful family to help you celebrate life!! PS, I understand why you took down your previous entry but I actually really enjoyed reading it. It made me feel hopeful for the future, when I’m finally ready for kids too 🙂
Brooke
One of the best things about running is that it gives you time to think. But one of the worst things about running is that it gives you time to think. I know that I’ve been running and I’ll start thinking about something and get myself completely worked up about it while I’m running. But sometimes it feels better to have a physical outlet to your grief. Praying so much for you and your family.
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Hey! I walked out of church this weekend too! Turns out the sermon was on Love and Marriage. Not a great subject for me right now. I wish we had an empty sanctuary where I could have gone. Even the word “sanctuary” sounds wonderful.
cathy
Katie, please stay strong. One day you will be able to remember your dad and smile. My dad died 11 months ago and I still cannot hear “Ave Maria” without the tears hitting. You loved him, you miss him and that is just the long and the short of it.
Hang tight sweetie.
jamie
Oh Honey! I have been following you on this journey… I am old…My three grown “children” will feel what you are feeling one day. Please know I wrap my arms around you…I have experienced your pain and walked through the same…As I always have told my “kids”…”it’s not always going to be like this and we are going to get through this and come out on the other side and smile…” and you will too!!! i will continue to surround you and ALL of your family with Light and Love and Prayers…Please remember that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!
jamie
p.s. And also, little girl! I just listened to Carrie’s “How Great Thou Art” on my sister’s wall because of our Brother’s passing, before I read your post…Coincidence??? I think not!!!
Alaina
That song always makes me cry, too. There are so manys ongs I can’t listen to without breaking down missing loved ones. And if you need to sit alone in the sanctuary, then I say go for it. God is with you always and he is carrying you along as you mourn your father’s death. Sending prayers…
momiss
Carrie Underwood does as good a job as I have ever heard on that song in my entire life.
That is what I hated so much about going anywhere after my mom died, too. I am the kind of person that can hold it together pretty well until someone is kind to me, then the tears start and it is very hard to stop them before they have run their course.
I do think it is entirely natural, though. You are in my thoughts often and I send wishes for spiritual strength to you all.
Hang in there and just let it be. It’s a process and there is no timeline that I can tell.
Jamie
peaceful sweet dreams, katie.
JenniferLO
Awhile back I downloaded “How Great Thou Art” by Carrie Underwood after you tweeted about it and every time it comes on I think of you! I hope you know we are still lifting you and your family up in prayers! “I am the Resurrection and the Life!”
Kat
I feel like I should apologize for not commenting much lately. I’m still reading but I find that I have absolutely nothing to say about the grieving. It’s hard and I can’t even imagine going through any of this. The only thing I can say is that I hope you have more and more sunny days.
Mandy
I just wanted you to know that I’m am praying for you daily.
Peggy
It is perfectly ok to have good days and bad dys after such a major life changing event. Greif has no timetable, just our own. Tears are good and healthy and they will come when you least expect them. In time the tears will come when you remember your Dad and it will be happy/sad tears and they will bring a smile to your face.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Take it one day at a time. That is really all any of us can do. Hugs to you.