Seasons of Grief
I had a rough day yesterday. I have this whole week off of work, and I planned to send the kids to school just on Monday so I could get some Christmas shopping done and go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. I was actually looking forward to some time by myself. But I keep forgetting that days to myself are really difficult. It’s hard to keep your mind busy the whole time, so I ended up thinking about my dad a lot. Especially because the things I was doing were things that I would have talked to him about.
I helped Santa out and bought Bean’s Spiderman bike. My dad would have gotten such a kick out of seeing Bean ride a bike. I can hear him cheering down the street right now. Dad got so much joy out of seeing his grandkids experience things, and Bean’s first bike would have been a big deal to him. It was the kind of thing that I would have called my dad about as I was buying it. We would have laughed and giggled, and he would have had 100 different pieces of advice for choosing a bike. I really missed sharing that with him.
After Christmas shopping, I dropped all of Santa’s loot by the house before heading out for grocery shopping. Night before last, Chris and I picked our Thanksgiving menu, and as we drooled over all our options, we realized that more than half our dishes were my dad’s. I love that we will be able to remember my dad through the food we eat, but it was tough to get through the grocery store. I got all teared up buying black pepper and thinking about the year my dad put so much black pepper into the stuffing that no one could eat it. It’s funny how you can find sadness even in the happiest memories sometimes. I’ll be glad when that part of grieving is over.
Yesterday was tough, and I’m sure there will be more of those moments in the next few days, but I woke up this morning feeling better. I’m really looking forward to spending time with my two yahoos today. It’s amazing how healing my kids have been. Being around them keeps my mind busy and active, but it also reminds me that my dad lives on through all of us, and especially through Bean, Gracie, and Baby Tillman. And I think my dad would get a kick out of his legacy being carried in the hands of these monkeys…
I thought Thankgiving day would be the hard part, but I’m learning that grief takes time. It can’t be measured or overcome in a single day. Though it would be so much easier if that were the case. Then I could just check the box and move on. “Thanksgiving? Done.” But just like the holidays, grief is a season, and seasons begin and end gradually. One day it’s colder than the last, and before you know it, you’re in the middle of winter. But then, one day it will feel a little warmer, and you know spring is on the way. For now, I’m pretty much smack dab in the middle of my season of grief. So, I’m wrapping myself in a big, heavy coat of my dad’s memory. And some days that coat is warmer than others.
17 Comments
Beanie & Gracie's Nana
We’ll go through this season of grief together. Side by side, holding hands and always giving thanks for the abundance of what we have been given. Love, Mom
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
The other day we took the kids to my husband’s father’s grave so that Zoe could sing Happy Birthday to him. She’s just now getting to the point where we can start talking to her about a man she’s never met, and will never meet. I found myself crying as we drove out there, and then realized that I cry almost every single time we go {and sometimes just when I start to think about him}. I miss him in a way that is such a bitter missing that I almost can’t even describe it…. but here’s the thing, I never met him either! He passed away 3 years before I met my husband.
I’m so sorry that you have to walk this road. I’m so sorry that you’re going to be cooking your Dad’s food, but not able to hear his voice this year. I’m praying that you can feel the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit as Comforter this holiday season.
Margaret of Three Acres
Oh Katie, I teared up with you when you talked about the black pepper. I know we only get a sliver of your life of through this blog, but I wanted to let you know that you’re blessing all of us as you wade through your grief. I hope you feel my prayers (and I don’t think I’m alone in praying for you) this holiday season! I also wanted to pass this along to you for reference, they have some great articles that may be helpful to you. GriefShare is a church-based, locally run, Christian grief support group. I sat in on one as part of my counseling degree and I can’t say enough good things about it. This site is specifically geared toward holidays, though. http://www.griefshare.org/holidays#articles I hope you still have a Happy Thanksgiving, will be praying for your whole family!
Jessica
Hi Katie, First, I just want to thank you for your openness about the grief process. I find it really refreshing. My mom passed away over 15 years ago and the holidays still get me. It just seems like every year something has changed in my life, that really makes me wish my mom were there too. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you this holiday season.
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
I’m so glad you and your family have found so many ways to honor your dad. Like your mom said, all of you will walk through this together as a family. My prayers are with you all.
Aunt Ginny
We’ll get through this together – I’m so very proud of you. Every day is a fresh start. Love you so, so, so much.
Sarah H.
Thank you for sharing this with us. BIG HUGS!!
Lauren
Katie, thank you so much for writing this. It speaks right to my heart. Having lost two loved ones this year, my heart is breaking even thinking about the holidays. I love that you are able to express how you are feeling through this time. Praying for you and your family this holiday season.
Meghan
Last year when we suddenly lost a close friend, I was reading about grief and there was one idea that sticks in my mind to this day. It was about how the first year of grieving is the hardest because, in so many moments and situations, it’s the first time you’ve done that thing without the person you lost. I think there was some approximate number, like for 2/3 of what you do in that first year you feel the loss most acutely because you have been used to having your father there for it. As time goes on, it will no longer be the “first time” you have to do something without your father’s presence, so the grief will get easier (but never go completely away, of course).
Your loss is still so very, very recent–give yourself plenty of grace, love, and time as you adjust to life without someone you loved dearly. I will keep you in my thoughts, especially on Thanksgiving (when we’ll also be remembering the friend we lost who we’d celebrated the last 2 Thanksgivings with).
molly
Thinking of you, Katie. The holidays complicate things for those who are grieving.
jcristg
that last paragraph was absolutely beautiful. happy thanksgiving, katie.
Christy
It’s so difficult for me to see others suffering. Please take care of yourself this Thanksgiving even if that means making others do for themselves.
Libby
You’re a fantastic writer. Will pray for you and your family.
Calypso
And this too shall pass…
Jamie
oh my goodness. and then your mom’s comment. have a great day with your sweeties.
Christine
This post made my eyes water. Then I noticed the first comment was from your Mother and I’m in sheer awe of her strength and positivity. Definitely challenging for your family to experience these “firsts” without your father, but it must be comforting to know your parents have had such a positive influence on you AND your children. ::virtual hugs::
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
So beautiful. You’re in our prayers in a special way this week.