Fa La La La… Nope.
I am a Christmas junkie. I love it all. I love the holy season where we celebrate Christ’s birth. I love the silly Christmas movies. (FRA-GI-LE…) I love the music. I love the lights. I love the cookies. I love the presents. I love the pageants, plays and concerts. I just love it all. The day after Thanksgiving kicks off my Christmas season and I don’t agree to put it all away until New Years.
But this year has been different.
We didn’t put our tree up until two weeks after Thanksgiving. I didn’t put out half of my decorations, leaving the other half sitting on my dining room table, mocking me. I did get a good start on my Christmas shopping in October and through November, but the closer it gets to Christmas, the less I feel like finishing my shopping. I haven’t baked one Christmas cookie or treat. I occasionally put on a Christmas movie, but I don’t really watch it. Same with music. I sometimes put it on in the car, but I don’t find myself singing along as much as I usually do. We have our Elf named Ralphie, but I did it for about a week and then just gave up. I didn’t put lights on our house. And I didn’t send out Christmas cards. I went through the process of creating them online several times, but when it came time to buy them, I’d empty my cart and log off.
I’m pretty sure this is about my dad, but the weird part is that I’m not necessarily sad. I still get teared up occasionally about my dad. I did last night, actually, when I received my family’s Christmas cards. Which is why I’m pretty sure that this is part of my grief. But I’m not walking around hating Christmas or feeling sad. I’m excited about Christmas. I really am. I just don’t feel like doing anything about it.
It’s probably a coping mechanism. Maybe I know how sad it makes me to have Christmas without my dad, and so I’m just psychologically avoiding it all in an effort to not deal with that sadness. (Somebody get me a PhD, please…)
Whatever it is, Christmas is just kind of meh to me this year. Drinking apple cider while watching, “Christmas Vacation?” Meh. Wrapping Christmas presents after the kids have gone to bed? Meh. Decorating our house like the inside of Santa’s workshop? Meh.
I think that when all our family gets in town this year on the 22nd it will make a big difference for me. Maybe then I’ll feel engaged in the holiday spirit. But until then, I’m just content to be a Christmas observer this year. And I think that’s okay. I think that’s probably even normal.
13 Comments
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
It’s totally normal! Everyone deals with these events differently, and maybe this is your way this year. I honestly have a difficult time with Christmas because I feel like there is a lot of pressure to do all the things you’re describing and feel SUPER EXCITED about all of them! And I usually feel kind of meh myself. But I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas, even though it is not the holiday you’re used to having with your dad.
Alaina
That’s totally natural. You will want to get back into all of that holiday spirit eventually, but no one is going to blame you one bit if you’re an observer this year.
cathy
It is definitely normal and you will have a wonderful Christmas, I promise! Just stay an observer and enjoy that.
Sara @ What About Sara
Sending you love!
Gin
I remember for a couple Christmases after my grandmother died (on December 12) the holiday seemed kind of blah. Just don’t stress about it too much this year.
Katie
It sounds to me like you might be experiencing some mild depression (not a doctor, not a diagnosis, just based on personal experience). I would suggest chatting with your pastor or doctor about ways to manage it during the holidays!
momiss
It is totally normal. Some years you just have to get through it focusing on the fact that it will soon be over. It’s a lot harder without little ones. Focus on them and it will be over before you know it.
shawny
the first year after my gramps died I didnt have an ounce of christmas joy whatsoever.the second year,I had the same feeling as you but It was my kids first christmas so I faked it all.by the third year I could tolerate holidays again.Have a good holiday if you can.
Christina
I think you are right on. You know yourself. I hope that your family time is very good.
Alyssa
Gosh what’s my problem then. I feel Meh about the whole thing too and I didn’t lose a loved one. I have gone through the motions but am feeling burned out this year. I haven’t made crafts, or baked cookies. I don’t know why but I just can’t get into it this year.
HeatherM
When people find that things that used to be enjoyable are no longer enjoyable, this can be a major sign of depression. I’m not saying your depression is back, I’m just saying watch out for it and take action EARLY if you see any signs of depression to intervene before it gets really bad. Loss of a loved one is a common trigger for depression, so just give Chris permission to let you know if/when he thinks you are depressed anytime, do you maybe won’t spend months in denial if depression should strike again.
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
It’s also possible that you have a demanding job, have been finishing up school for yourself, you’re running a blog, raising two small kids, trying to be a wife and . . . . Katie? It’s ok to let some things go. You’re doing just fine. 🙂
Calypso
Hey sweetie.. just wanted to op by and send you some love from Texas.. keep writing. It’s a powerful, healing force.
XOXOXO