7 Months and a Day

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Yesterday was seven months since my dad passed away.  I can’t believe it’s already been seven months.  I feel like I just saw him yesterday.  I think that’s part of coping for me.  I always feel like he was just here.  Like I just got off the phone with him.  Didn’t I just talk to him on the phone?  Wasn’t he just here sitting on my couch?  Wasn’t he just laughing in the other room a few minutes ago?  How can it have been seven months if I can still smell him like he’s standing right next to me?

In the grand scheme, I’m doing pretty good.  I have gotten to the point where I actually really like thinking about my dad.  Something will remind me of him, and instead of it upsetting me or me trying to ignore it, I find myself more and more relishing those memories.  I ran my first long run in a long time this week, and my first thought was that I wish I could call my dad and tell him.  Normally, when thoughts like that come, I try to move past them quickly.  But this week, I gave myself some time to sit and think about that.  What I would say to him, what he would say to me.  I thought about past conversations we’d had about how proud he was of me running, and I knew he would be really proud of me for getting back out there on a long run again.

Thinking about my dad now is actually very calming and sometimes even joyful, but sometimes it can still catch my breath.  Usually, it’s when something jumps out at me that I’m unprepared to see.  One of my neighbors just bought the same Mercedes convertible that my dad drove.  He loved that little car, and coming out of my house this morning and seeing it sitting in a driveway next door caught me completely off-guard and undid me a bit.  Takes me a while to shake that off.

No, seven months isn’t long enough to take away all the pain.  But time has healed my heart, that much is true.  I don’t feel empty without my dad anymore, and I think that’s because I’ve learned how to bring him with me where I go.  Which is probably why it seems like he was just here, why I can still hear him laugh, still feel his hug, still smell him on a golf course.  I don’t believe my dad’s spirit is still here.  I think he has gone on to be with our Lord, and that’s how it is supposed to be.  Just as Christ said he has gone before us to prepare a place, I think my dad has gone on and is waiting for us there.  But I sometimes wonder if those moments when my dad seems so near to me, if perhaps my dad isn’t thinking about me, too.  If maybe in that moment while I am here thinking about him, if maybe he is there, thinking about me.

And that closeness to him in those moments seems to bridge the gap that seven months can leave behind.

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12 thoughts on “7 Months and a Day

  1. My heart hurts for you Katie. It took almost 6 years for me to fully get over my Grandfathers death. He lived with my family till he passed and was like a father to me.
    You are so right though, after awhile you learn to bring them with you every where you go. 🙂
    Hugs.
    xox

  2. Deepa

    I know how you feel. We just celebrated my dad’s 5 year anniversary and it was kind of a shock. I feel like it JUST happened. So much has happened that he has missed, including meeting his two grandsons. While it makes me sad to think about it, part of me feel like he is still here, watching us and laughing with us. Good luck with this and future anniversaries.

  3. Kirsten

    Just passed the 3 year mark for my mom. Every day I think of something I want to tell her. And now that I’m planning my best friends baby shower even more things – she’s be so thrilled with this baby. And I want to tell her about my new house. And have her over and help decorate. I think you’re handling things the best way you can. Hang in there!

  4. Thanks for sharing with us Katie. I can`t believe it has already been over 7 months. It just goes to show that time (and faith) does help to fade the pain, but you do still carry a bit of it with you, because you loved him so much. I can imagine how much peace your posts about your dad must bring for your other readers who have lost a loved one.

  5. Diane

    I am glad you are getting to that place Katie. And as for your dad, he is in a place that he can watch over you, and your family, and your mom and sister and her family…all at the SAME time and all OF the time!! Glorious for him, I am sure, even if its tough for those still on this side. Huge virtual hugs!

  6. Jennifer

    That was a fast 7 months. Amazing just how fast time flies. I’m happy to hear you are doing better. I’m sure your dad is always thinking about you and looking down on you guys

  7. jenny-bird

    I know how you feel. My father died 13 years ago, and there are still days where I still “catch my breath.” But, like you and your father, I remember him fondly and imagine hearing his one-liners. In that way, he is still a part of your life. Take care.

  8. JustAng

    At 63 years old, my mom passed away unexpectedly last October. (Is it weird that I still can’t say “died?”) It was the same day we were going to tell her we were pregnant again (something she’d been hoping for! Scratch that, begging for. Ok, NAGGING for!) I still can’t believe it. Every pregnancy/toddler milestone we reach is another reminder that mom should be here to enjoy it. I wish I could find the peace you’ve found. But I’m not there yet. All those little unexpected reminders really throw me off. I can only put my faith in the healing power of time.

  9. He is thinking of you and watching over you. Take solace in those memories and rejoice in the life that was his and the relationship you had with him. And know we are all praying for you!

  10. Beanie, Gracie & Tillman's Nana

    I’m working to push on everyday. But honestly, its like walking down a road on broken glass. Every step is just so painful. Faith and my family have carried me through this. I thank my God for my family every day.

  11. Laura

    Thinking of you and your family. And also wanted to share how helpful it is to read this, I think many people relate to this. Virtual hugs.

  12. April

    Wow!!! It seems just like yesterday that my sister called me saying to get on the blog and read. So there I sat on my couch, crying because of the pain I felt for someone I didn’t even know. Hope you and your family are able to find more and more peace every day.

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