When I was pregnant with both my babies, Chris took up this particularly endearing habit. Every time he kissed me hello or goodbye, he would rest his hand gently on my baby bump. It was as if he were kissing the baby hello or goodbye, too. It kind of sounds creepy when I write it out, but you’ll just have to trust me. It was really sweet.
This subtle gesture, however, may cause our divorce.
Periodically – not often, but every now and then – when Chris kisses me hello or goodbye now, HE STILL PUTS HIS HAND ON MY BELLY!
There ain’t no child in here, friend. The feti have abdicated the womb. The babies done been borned. I don’t know how else to make that point known. You would have thought he would have noticed the two children running around our house and been able to put two and two together to figure out that these were, in fact, the same babies from by bump. But, clearly, he has failed to notice because HIS HAND KEEPS PATTING MY BABY BUMP. Which is a baby bump no longer. It is now the hollow shell of a baby making factory, left smooshy and flabby and pouchy in the absence of actual babies.
Now, I know that this is a subconscious thing he is doing. I’ve never mentioned it to him before, and he’s never mentioned it to me. But every time it happens I simultaneously want to smack him upside the head, eat a sleeve of Oreos, and kiss him on his nose. Instead of doing those things, however, I am taking this issue to the World Wide Web in the form of a press release to husbands everywhere:
“Effective immediately, my womb is empty. Please keep your hands away from the formerly occupied area. In the event that it is impossible to not pat the aforementioned area of destruction, be advised that your hand and/or masculine body parts are subject to violent removal from the premises.”
Feel free to distribute this PSA to any major media news outlets. It’s time this issue had national attention.