The Sweet Gesture That Will Cause a Divorce

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When I was pregnant with both my babies, Chris took up this particularly endearing habit.  Every time he kissed me hello or goodbye, he would rest his hand gently on my baby bump.  It was as if he were kissing the baby hello or goodbye, too.  It kind of sounds creepy when I write it out, but you’ll just have to trust me.  It was really sweet.

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This subtle gesture, however, may cause our divorce.

Periodically – not often, but every now and then – when Chris kisses me hello or goodbye now, HE STILL PUTS HIS HAND ON MY BELLY!

There ain’t no child in here, friend.  The feti have abdicated the womb.  The babies done been borned.  I don’t know how else to make that point known.  You would have thought he would have noticed the two children running around our house and been able to put two and two together to figure out that these were, in fact, the same babies from by bump.  But, clearly, he has failed to notice because HIS HAND KEEPS PATTING MY BABY BUMP.  Which is a baby bump no longer.  It is now the hollow shell of a baby making factory, left smooshy and flabby and pouchy in the absence of actual babies.

Now, I know that this is a subconscious thing he is doing.  I’ve never mentioned it to him before, and he’s never mentioned it to me.  But every time it happens I simultaneously want to smack him upside the head, eat a sleeve of Oreos, and kiss him on his nose.  Instead of doing those things, however, I am taking this issue to the World Wide Web in the form of a press release to husbands everywhere:

Effective immediately, my womb is empty.  Please keep your hands away from the formerly occupied area.  In the event that it is impossible to not pat the aforementioned area of destruction, be advised that your hand and/or masculine body parts are subject to violent removal from the premises.”

Feel free to distribute this PSA to any major media news outlets.  It’s time this issue had national attention.

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9 thoughts on “The Sweet Gesture That Will Cause a Divorce

  1. Rachel

    Hahaha! Amen, Sister. Love this post! (I’ve been there, & that’s all I’m gonna say about that.)

  2. Danielle

    I just had my sweet boy 6 weeks ago, and my husband still puts his hand on my belly too…one time he even rubbed it! And I’m all…that’s flabby and stretch-marky and YOUR FAULT! and do not touch my belly anymore! I no longer find it cute and endearing, I feel like he’s trying to tell me to shed the pounds already (which by the way, he’s not)! Rawr.

  3. Oh my God, I hate when T does this. Yeah, um, I may have lost 30 lbs but that flab isn’t going away so stop bringing it to my attention. I always pat his gut when he does it and say “yours is bigger than mine!”

  4. Sarah H.

    I like Alaina’s response 🙂 This is making me giggle as I sit here 38 weeks 1 day pregnant waiting for my baby to exit!

  5. Haha. My Aaron has developed the same habit with my baby bump. I have already had the worry he might carry it on after the baby has vacated the womb.
    I might not be able to refrain from giving him a slap upside the head if he does it though.

  6. I could not stop laughing while reading this! Thanks for the smiles 🙂

  7. Andrea in SC

    Hahaha “the babies done been borned” got me giggling so hard!

  8. Kat

    hahahhahhah aww

    Peanut used to love petting my belly and saying, “there’s a baby in there” and it was adorable. Then for the first 3 weeks after the baby was born, she continued to do it and I kept telling her, “no, no baby in there.” Now wherever we are…including public, she pets my belly and says, “no, no baby in there.” Thanks, P….I’m sure people were wondering 😉

  9. I think it’s really sweet that he’s still affectionate towards that part of your body. I used to be more sensitive about my partner touching my stomach, but now I feel like the way he touches me, even if it’s touching my stomach, just means he loves my body and thinks it’s another beautiful part of me. It isn’t really their issue at all..it’s that them touching our stomachs make us feel uncomfortable! It’s our own issue. I get your point, though. If it makes you feel bad, telling him is the right thing.

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