From the Trenches of Motherhood

I’M REPORTING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE TRENCHES OF MOTHERHOOD! IT IS 4:38AM! I HAVE BEEN DISPLACED FROM MY POSITION IN MY OWN BED BY A TWO-YEAR-OLD HAVING NIGHTMARES! I WOULD LIKE THE RECORD TO SHOW THAT I LOVINGLY HELD THE CHILD AND STROKED HER HAIR IN AN OFFER OF FRIENDSHIP! SHE THEN PROCEEDED TO FALL ASLEEP AND REPEATEDLY! BEAT! ME! WITH! HER ARMS AND LEGS! IN MY STOMACH AND LADY PARTS!

I DID NOT ENGAGE THE CHILD! I REPEAT! I DID! NOT! ENGAGE! THE CHILD!

I RELINQUISHED MY POST, AND MOVED INTO A SAFER LOCATION IN THE OFFICE! WHICH IS WHERE I AM REPORTING FROM NOW! I HAVE MADE A MAKE-SHIFT BED ON THE COUCH! BUT THE CEILING FAN IN THIS ROOM! IS TRYING TO KILL ME!

IT IS LOUD! I REPEAT! IT! IS! LOUD! I AM YELLING BECAUSE IT IS SO LOUD! CAN YOU HEAR ME? I SAID IT IS L-O-U-D!

THE FAN SOUNDS LIKE I AM IN A CYCLONE! IT SOUNDS LIKE A TORNADO IS LITERALLY! IN! THE! ROOM! HOW HAVE MY HOUSE GUESTS SLEPT IN HERE LIKE THIS?!?! WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME!?!? CAN YOU HEAR ME??? I’LL YELL LOUDER!

THERE ARE ALSO MANY MYSTERIOUS! LIGHTS! IN THIS ROOM! GREEN LIGHTS FROM THE COMPUTER! BLUE LIGHTS FROM THE MODEM! RED LIGHTS FROM THE PRINTER! IT’S LIKE EFFING TIME SQUARE IN HERE DURING A HURRICANE! BUT I WILL NOT VACATE MY POST! I REPEAT! I WILL! NOT! VACATE!

OH! WHAT IS THIS????

MY PARTNER, CAPT. BROWN, WHO HAD BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE BY THE TWO-YEAR-OLD, JUST WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY CARRYING… CARRYING…

OH MY GOD! I CAN’T TELL! THE LIGHTS ARE BLINDING! AND THE FAN IS SO DAMN LOUD!

YES! YES! WE HAVE CONFIRMED THAT HE WALKED BY CARRYING THE NIGHTMARING TWO-YEAR-OLD! HE IS TAKING! HER! BACK! TO! HER OWN BED! HEROES DO EXIST, FOLKS! HEROES! DO! EXIST!

THIS HAS BEEN KATIE BROWN, REPORTING LIVE FROM THE TRENCHES OF MOTHERHOOD. BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO, BOB…

10 Comments

Erin R.

January 5, 2014 at 10:51 pm Reply

This was a fun post to read, thanks!! 🙂

Lindsey

January 5, 2014 at 11:00 pm Reply

Toooo funny!!! I need to be like you and find humor in the sleepless nights.

Nikki

January 6, 2014 at 2:40 am Reply

You had me laughing out loud to this while trying to put my little one to sleep. I also hate fans that make noise…any noise. It drives me crazy!

jenny-bird

January 6, 2014 at 2:44 am Reply

Haha! When I was a child, I would walk up to my mother’s side of the bed after waking up from a nightmare. I would then proceed to stare at her and whisper “Momma” until she woke up. I can only imagine how terrifying it was to wake up with a small child’s face only inches away from yours. Good luck!