Hi. I’m Married to a Five-Year-Old.

Chris has two jobs on school-day mornings. He fixes the kids breakfast while I get dressed, and he takes Bean to school after Gracie and I leave at an earlier time. Easy peasey. No big deal.

A few weeks ago, Bean randomly throws out at the dinner table, “I was late for school AGAIN.”

“LATE?!” I screeched. “AGAIN?!?”

And Bean, being the five-year-old boy that he is, sneered and pointed his finger at Chris. “It’s his fault, Mom.”

“CHRIS!” I screeched.

“It’s not that big of a deal…” Chris laughed. “One time, and he wasn’t even late. He just got there right as the bell rang.”

“THAT’S LATE!” I screeched.

“Eh…” Chris said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s late-ish.”

“Miss Betty in the front office said Dad was fired because he gets me to school late so much.”

“SO MUCH?!?!” I screeched.

“Not so much!” Chris defended himself. “ONCE! And he wasn’t even late!!!”

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Chris was in that state of humor that bordered on being mad that he was in trouble (Reason #3,581 why husbands are so very similar to five-year-old boys), so I didn’t say anything else. I figured he had been screeched at enough. Besides, he was a grown man. He had a watch. Surely this was an isolated event.

Fast forward to last Friday. Bean brought home his first report card. Honor Roll all the way, of course…

But as I’m scanning through his information, there was a little box down in the bottom right corner that caught my attention:

Absences: 0           Tardies: 5

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Surely, this was a mistake. Surely, MY child had not been tardy to school FIVE TIMES in a NINE WEEK PERIOD. Surely, my child’s very responsible, punctual father would not have let this happen FIVE TIMES.

But then I flipped the report card over and read the letter that was attached to the report card. At the very top of the letter, just under his elementary school crest, it read: “TRUANCY VIOLATION.”

And then the letter went on to inform me that five tardies is equivalent to one absence (which I know because I am a SCHOOL TEACHER – a highly mortified school teacher, at the moment). And if this pattern continues, the school’s policy is to contact the DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILIES to report a TRUANCY VIOLATION!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, the front door opened and the father of my children walked in all dopey and, “How-was-every-one’s-day,” and so I casually handed him Bean’s report card.

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“HEY! You made the Honor Roll! High five, buddy!” he said to Bean.

“Yep, I’m really proud of him,” I said in that creepy monotone voice only mothers and angry wives can use. “See anything else that’s interesting on that report card?”

Chris, bless his irresponsible heart, is tapping his feet along to some imaginary song in his head while he and Bean slightly wrestle each other as he scans the rest of the report card.

And then he sees it.

And the wrestling stops.

And the foot tapping stops.

And he stands very still in that way that only five-year-olds and husbands can do when they think no one can see them if they don’t move.

“A TRUANCY VIOLATION!!!!!!!!” I screeched. “TRUANCY, CHRIS! HE’S FIVE!”

For about one full minute, Chris stands there silently, building his defense in his head. And my arms are crossed and now my foot is tapping, but not to imaginary music in my head. And I wait. And I wait. And I wait. And I’m not quite sure what I was waiting for, actually. An admission of guilt, maybe? An apology? I don’t know. But I know I was expecting more than I got.

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“I didn’t do it,” he said, handing the report card back to me.

“What are you talking about? It’s right THERE!”

“He wasn’t late,” Chris insisted, now giggling like a scared little girl because he knew he was about to get eaten alive.

“He wasn’t late?!?!  You’re just going to deny the whole thing?!?!”

“No. He wasn’t late. He got there right as the bell rang.”

“FIVE TIMES?????” I screeched.

“I didn’t do it.”

“You didn’t do it.”

“I didn’t do it.”

And this, my friends, is why husbands are like five-year-old boys.

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17 thoughts on “Hi. I’m Married to a Five-Year-Old.

  1. Lee Ann

    OMG! Thank you! I totally needed this to re-start my Monday morning with a belly laugh!

  2. My son would never get to school on time if it were up to my husband. Never. Not one single time. Yes, they are like 5 year olds.

  3. Meggan

    Hahahaha! That is hilarious:) But, calling DCF, that’s crap.

  4. Melissa

    Seriously? A truancy violation? That is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve heard today. I was late to school weekly because my mom was ever hopeful that we wouldn’t be caught by a train while driving across town. I get that being on time is important, but isn’t there like a 15 minute grace period at the beginning of the school day?

  5. HeatherM

    My husband has trouble getting anywhere on time when my daughter is in tow. I think this is caused by the same reason that he ends up too staying late at work each day: he struggles with thinking ahead and plan how long things will take to complete. When he starts a project I have to push him to sit down and sort out all the different steps to the project, and estimate how long each one will last. I feel like I am teaching him these executive planning and organization skills that his mother never saw fit to teach him. She is a kind woman, but these things made her baby uncomfortable and overwhelmed, so she did them for him. At least Bean seems on the ball- that’s a sign that you are teaching him well.
    I hate when I have to act like a mother to my own husband. I only have to because he acts like a child sometimes. I want a partner, not another child.

    1. Tabs

      You just described my husband. And his mother. And me. So glad I am not the only dealing with this issue.

  6. Susie

    My son had to serve a detention in middle school because his dad didn’t get him to school on time! I always told the five-year-old husband that he should have had to serve it, not the poor, innocent adolescent. Then I figured the adolescent probably deserved a detention for something he didn’t get CAUGHT doing, and got over it. 😉

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  8. You have SO much more restraint than I do.

  9. Mark

    I support Chris & Bean & S’mores…I’ve so been there Chris! Innocent I say, Innocent!
    My wife now takes our daughter to school, and I pick her up.
    🙂
    P.S. She is always on time.

    1. nicole

      OMG…do you see what is happening here, Katie?!? These husbands are doing that thing where they figure if they do something wrong a few times they won’t have to do it anymore! Lol!

  10. My husband would be the same way. But since daycare is 5 minutes from my work, I do the drop offs. Mine is a 5 year old at bed time. Bed time is 7:30, and every night after I put the littlest down, I find my husband and my three year old playing games on his phone…until nearly 8:00. And he wonders why mornings are so hard!

  11. Jenna

    Oh so much laughing … Funny because it’s true!!

  12. Sarah

    I am convinced you are living my life in Florida! Only I have a 1st grade girl instead of a Kindergarten boy….otherwise I could have written this post!

  13. Suzette

    I have been married for 23 years and my daughter is now 20. I’m not trying to ruin your Thanksgiving, or your Christmas, or the rest of your lives, but I just wanted to warn you ladies that it doesn’t get any easier. It is comforting to know, though, that we’re all in the same boat when it comes to dealing with our 5-year-old husbands. Happy Holidays! 😉

  14. Ruhh Belle

    hahahahahahah I’m with a smile in my lips! Thank you for sharing it with us. It’s so cool and I like read about moments I know that will be part of my life when I get married one day – but, of course, a little bit different because men are different in some ways.
    xx

  15. Jevi Amechi - Eze

    This is totally interesting. I’ve been married for a year now and I seriously agree that men are like 5 year olds’.

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