26Jan
A few weeks ago, I was asked on the Q&A page about our discipline methods and philosophy for Bean at this age. I had to actually stop and think about it for a while and then I kind of panicked.
Did we discipline? Were we supposed to be disciplining?
So, I panicked about that for a few days but finally came to the consensus that maybe that was okay. Maybe that’s how discipline (at Bean’s age, at least) is supposed to be – such a natural part of your interactions that you don’t even notice it after a while. That actually kind of sums up mine and Chris’s philosophy on discipline overall. You stick to your rules and enforce them consistently and effectively and before you know it, the habit of good choices has formed in your child. Ideally, I think discipline should feel effortless and natural and not some big production.
Now, having said all of that and wrapped it up nicely with a bow, it sure doesn’t feel effortless and natural all the time. Some days, Bean drives me up the wall. Some days I feel like all I do is say, “Not for Bean!” (thank you, Mindee…) or “No, Bean,” or “Put that down, Bean.” But really, that’s more like correcting behavior to me. That’s giving instructions. That’s not discipline. To me the difference is that discipline is punishment for an action and correcting behavior is directing or redirecting a decision. I’m sure a behaviorist or therapist or child psychologist might have different definitions, but that’s generally how I look at it.
So, now that we’re all talking about the same things here, let’s talk about how we discipline Bean. It’s happening more often as he grows up and makes more choices on his own. Most of the time, he’s pretty good about going with the flow and if you redirect him when he’s into something he shouldn’t be into, he bounces right along and changes his actions. But more and more frequently, we are seeing him make decisions and take action that is outright defiant. Oddly enough, the closer he gets to turning two in June, the more frequent he’s being defiant…
Funny how that works.
Consistency is our best plan of attack when it comes to discipline. If Bean knows what is acceptable each and every time, then it becomes a habit without him even noticing it. He gets into such a habit of doing what we except that he seems to forget that he actually has a choice. We also make sure that we are consistent as parents, too. Bean can’t have one set of rules for me and one set of rules for Chris. Both of us use the same rules and the same consequences so that we’re all on the same page.
When Bean DOES remember that he can make a choice (and, as I said, that’s happening more often these days), we have a few consequences that we use. First is removal from whatever it is he is doing. Take today, for example, Bean was rolling around on the floor with Molly and they were playing. But Bean started getting really rough and eventually that roughhousing turned into outright hitting – a big no no in our house. So, I said to him, “No, Beanie. We don’t hit. Be gentle.” And he looked right at me and smacked Molly in the face. So, I immediately went over to Bean, took him firmly by the hand and walked him to the other side of the room and said, “No, sir. We do not hit.” It may not seem like discipline, but for Bean it is very effective. Nothing bothers him more than having an activity interrupted, so removing him from whatever he’s doing – whether it be taking him to another room, taking him out of his high chair, or walking him to the other side of the room – it calls his attention to the fact that he cannot continue with that specific behavior.
It used to be that the removal from the situation was the end of the discipline. Bean would meltdown and we would walk away and not give him any attention for that behavior. But in the past month we have really started finishing the discipline process in that situation by making Bean apologize. We remove him from whatever he’s doing, he inevitably breaks down sobbing and throwing a fit (which we ignore), and when he gets himself under control again, we go back over to him and tell him one more time that whatever he was doing was not nice and then we ask him to go say he’s sorry to whomever he was mean to. In this case, I would walk him back over to Molly, ask him to tell her he’s sorry, and then give her a hug. When he’s completed that step, the discipline is over and we happily move on to something else.
If removing Bean from the situation doesn’t work and I find him doing whatever it was he got in trouble for again, we go to a time out. Though, I have to admit, we’ve only used time out a handful of times so far. Mostly because by the time we get him to stay where he’s supposed to stay, he doesn’t even remember why he’s there. I am a big believer in time outs and will use them more as Bean gets older, but at 19 months old, the process takes longer than Bean can comprehend and I don’t see the purpose in disciplining if he can’t relate the punishment to the offense.
Does that make sense?
The few times we’ve used a time out, we have done it quickly so Bean knows that he gets THIS consequence for THAT action. The other night Bean was in a terrible mood. Whining, yelling, getting easily frustrated. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t punishable either. As long as he didn’t break any rules, then he can be in whatever kind of mood he wants. But then I told Bean that he couldn’t play with the TV remote and in retaliation, Bean picked up the remote and hurled it at me.
No. Sir.
So, I walked over to him, got down on his level, and firmly told him, “No, sir. We do not throw. You need to sit in time out.” Then I sat him on the couch and walked away. He was so shocked he didn’t know what to do at first. And then the wailing started. The pitiful, pathetic, my-mommy-hates-me wailing. When he tried to get down, I put him back on the couch and said simply, “No, sir. You are in time out.”
(Commence Wailing…)
I left him there for about a minute or so. But to Bean it could have been 15 years. It might as well have been a life sentence. He was horrified and hurt and so upset. It broke my heart, really. But after about a minute, I walked over to him and got back down to his level and told him again, “We don’t throw things at Mommy, Bean. Can tell Mommy you’re sorry?” And he instantly spit out, “I’m sawwy,” and gave me a big hug. Oh, it was brutal! BRUTAL! But afterward, I thought about it and really from start to finish the whole ordeal lasted two minutes – max. And I can hang in there with crocodile tears for two minutes.
To be honest, that’s really all the discipline we are using right now with Bean. Right or wrong, for our Beanie, those two methods have been all we’ve needed. When it feels like he’s not being effected by the discipline anymore or that he can comprehend a little more, then we’ll introduce other things. But for now, this is what we’re doing and it seems to be working for us.
What about you? How do you handle discipline in your house? What is your discipline philosophy?
20Jan
Don’t let this happy “say cheese!” face fool you.
Meal times at our house have become exhausting. Well, for Chris and I. Bean thinks it’s a lot of fun. He gets to sit in his chair and throw food, pour juice in his plate, dump his food out of his bowl, and shake his head, “Nooooo!” every time I suggest he take a bite. All activities which are, apparently, way more fun than actually eating the food.
Bean’s gone through these phases before. Usually, he eats less when there’s something going on with him. Maybe he’s cutting teeth. Maybe he’s not feeling so great. Maybe he’s overly tired. And sometimes those phases last a week or so. But usually, we can figure them out and we roll with them and they’re over just about the time I start to get really frustrated.
This phase though is lasting a looooong time. A looooong, loooooong time.
And this phase is different than the others. There are no tears. No whining. No complaining. Bean seems perfectly content to sit in his high chair and do anything BUT eat. And the more we use those key parenting phrases, “Don’t throw your food, Bean,” “Keep it in your mouth, Bean,” “Use your spoon, Bean,” the funnier Bean finds the whole experience.
He’s cutting his two year old molars right now, so it’s entirely possible that that might be contributing, but we’re going on three WEEKS here of not eating. And I mean, really, not eating. Not a bite at dinner. But, of course, the minute he gets down from his chair, he’s all, “Cookie! Cracker!” We don’t give him those things either. Instead we say, “You have to eat your dinner first,” and then we try to feed him again. But it gets the same response. Giggles and spitting and throwing food.
We’ve tried changing dinner time, we’ve tried feeding Bean separately and eating together as a family, we’ve tried all kinds of foods, we’ve kept things plain and simple, we’ve tried mixing everything together in one big mushy mess and we’ve tried putting them in separate compartments on plates. We’ve eliminated snacks, dessert, treats, cut back on juice and milk right before mealtimes. I mean, I think we’ve tried everything. But surely there’s something we’re missing…
So, I’m here to ask your help, Imaginary Friends. What am I doing wrong? Is this just a phase? Do we let him just eat when he’s ready to eat? Do we force it?
Here’s the thing that I’m concerned about. Two things:
1. I don’t want Bean to think he can just complain or act up and he’ll get new food every time. But I’m not sure what age I can really teach that. I’m more concerned that he EATS something.
2. I want to make sure we’re creating healthy and HAPPY eating habits right now. We’re laying the groundwork for how mealtimes will be in our house and I want to make sure we are laying a foundation that we are all happy with. But, again, I’m more concerned that he EATS something.
So, what do I do? Is he too young for discipline at mealtimes?
WHAT DO I DO?!?!
(UPDATE:Â To answer your question, yes, Bean eats a huge breakfast – usually a whole wheat waffle, a piece of fruit, and milk – and his daycare says he eats really good there – morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack.)
For Christmas, Santa brought Bean his big boy race car bed. Christmas night was the first night he slept in it and he was so exhausted from the excitement of the day that he fell right asleep. Chris and I high-fived and congratulated ourselves on raising a well-adjusted and flexible child. Then we went out of town for a week to visit family. Then we came back home and realized that maybe the big boy bed wasn’t going to be such a smooth transition after all.
Our first night back home with Bean in his bed was a nightmare. It was exactly like all those Nanny 911 episodes you see where the kid keeps getting up and the parents have to keep putting them back to bed over and over and over again. At first, we would pick him up, cuddle him a little, and then reassure him as we put him back down. I think I just felt so bad because he’s so little to be going through this transition, but the more he fought it, the faster we realized that it needed to be a quick transition and not one full of cuddles. So after the first three or four times of him getting up, we started doing things differently. We wouldn’t pick him up at all. We’d take him by the hand and walk him back to his bed and then help him climb back in. Then we’d walk out, never having said a word. But I started to realize he was scared with the door shut. So, I started leaving the door open for him.
But none of that seemed to matter. He was up out of that bed before Chris or I could even get out of his bedroom. And he was screaming crying. And it had already been over an hour. It was just awful. I’ve never been that cold to him for that long of a period of time. I’m a pretty tough cookie when it comes to disciplining Bean. I’m a no-nonsense momma and I don’t feel bad about that. But this just broke my heart. I reminded myself though that the longer we dragged out the transition by being soft and cuddly, the harder it would be for Bean. So, we really stuck to our guns.
After an hour, Bean started to realize that when we came back in the room it was kind of entertaining and HE STARTED LAUGHING! He’d be crying hysterically but the minute we walked him back to his bed, he’d start laughing like he’d totally tricked us into interacting with him. Talk about infuriating! We were exhausted and our nerves were fried from the past hour and here was Bean laughing at us! So, we changed tactics again and got a little tougher. This time, I put a stool in his doorway and sat down facing him, but not looking at him. Then the minute he started to get up, I’d say very sternly, “Lay down, Bean.” And he’d put his head back down. That seemed to take some of the fun out of the game for him. And it also made him stay still long enough to realize how sleepy his body really was. After that, it was only about 10 minutes before he fell asleep.
The next night was a lot like the first. It didn’t last quite as long and we started the stool thing right away, but otherwise, it was just more of the same. I think it took about an hour to get him to sleep that night.
The next day I called my Mom who really emphasized the importance of a bedtime routine so that Bean’s body had a way of knowing it was time to start going to sleep. We have always had a pretty good nighttime routine with him, but one thing our routine lacked was a relaxing activity. We took a bath, got in jammies, brushed our teeth, and then we just laid Bean down in his crib and he’d put himself right to sleep. We’ve always been lucky that he is such a good self-soother. But with this new freedom in the big boy bed, there needed to be some activity that allowed Bean to rest and relax into sleep in a controlled environment since the crib railings were no longer there to keep him confined.
The next night, we started reading two books to him when he got in bed. Bean loves books and we read to him all the time, but at bedtime it just never worked out for us. Bean always got fidgety and so we never got into the habit of a bedtime book. But in the big boy bed, those two books are just enough time for Bean to unwind and relax in his bed without feeling like we’re just dropping him and running. It gives him time to get comfortable with us sitting right there with him.
When we finished the two books that night and as I was leaving, Bean pointed to a small board book and said, “Book! Book!” He wanted to read. I thought about it for a minute and realized that maybe that was actually a good idea. It was a calm, quiet activity and it would keep him in his bed for a little while. So, I gave him his book, turned out the lights (it WAS bedtime, afterall…) and cracked his door as I left. We heard him in there “reading” his book for about 10 minutes and then it was completely silent. Surely he wasn’t already asleep, we thought. But when we peaked in, sure enough, there he was snoozing with his book right next to him.
The night after that we did the same thing – two books in bed and then he got a small book to read on his own after lights out. And it worked like a charm again. So far, it’s been a week and we haven’t had a problem since. I think that book gives him just enough activity to keep him entertained, but it keeps him still so his little body can relax into sleep.
If you’re transitioning into a big bed and are having trouble, try the book thing if your child is a reader. Kids are like adults in a lot of ways and sometimes we all need a few steps to help us nod off to la-la-land. Who can just fall asleep on command anyway? Leaving a book with Bean seems to have really helped us solve our problem!
The problem we are still left dealing with though is nap time on the weekends. It’s tricky because it’s light outside and usually we have to interrupt something fun to take a nap and Bean is never happy about that. We found that putting a baby gate on Bean’s bedroom door helps immensely. That way he can’t just wander out of his room when he’s supposed to be sleeping (it also helps at night to keep him from wandering around the house after we’ve all gone to bed). The first day we tried the baby gate, Bean got really mad that he couldn’t come out of his room so he threw himself down on his bed and pitched a huge temper tantrum. But then he got tired, apparently, because when he finally got quiet, this is what we found in his room:
I guess he just got tired and fell asleep right there. It made us giggle and run for the camera. Because we’re good parents, you see…
The nap thing we’re still working on. But in the grand scheme of things, I’m much more concerned that he’s getting a good night’s sleep every day than getting a nap in on the two weekend days that he’s not in daycare. We’ll work the nap out, I’m sure. I’m just thankful we’re all getting to bed at a decent hour again.
Whose idea was it to give children free will? I’d like to speak with that person, please.
04Jan
Over our Christmas vacation in Pensacola, Florida, with Chris’s family, Chris’ mom, Jackie, took us all to the Naval Air Museum at the Air Force base in town. Chris and I had been a thousand times before on class field trips as we grew up, but this was our first time going with Bean and, like so many other experiences, this one was just better because Bean was with us.
He’s really into airplanes right now (“eha-panes”) so this museum was the perfect place for him to explore. It’s basically just a big aircraft hanger with restored government planes dating all the way back to the beginning of flight. You can touch anything and even climb in and explore a lot of them.
On January 1, Bean turned 19 months old and as we walked around that museum, it struck me how old 19 months really is. Bean is such an independent, active, on-the-go little dude right now and I just love it.
He isn’t scared of anything that we’ve found yet and his curiosity is one of my favorite parts about his personality. Actually, he’s a lot like his dad. Chris loves to wander around and get into things on his own, and I see that so much in Bean. Both of them are content to entertain themselves and they both do better when they are learning on their own terms, instead of being taught to.
If 17 months was all about independence, then 18 months was all about learning when to ask for help. I was pleasantly surprised to see Bean not quite so headstrong this past month as he was the month before that. I think he is learning that asking us for help doesn’t mean we are going to take over or tell him what to do. We help and then we back off and let him continue on and even at 18 months old, I can tell Bean is learning to trust that about us.
One of the greatest things we have taught Bean this month was the word “help.” Whenever we would see him struggling with something, we would ask him if he needed help instead of just jumping in and doing it for him. When we asked, “Do you need help?” he would repeat back to us, “Help,” and then that gave us permission to help him out. Sometimes he would actually say no, that he didn’t want help and so we’d let him figure out whatever he was struggling with on his own. But when he would ask for help, we made sure to just get him started on the task at hand and then turn it back over to him to finish. We never wanted him to feel like asking for help meant that he couldn’t do something himself. Now, Bean will come to us and ask for help without us prompting him. It’s a nice way of showing our respect for Bean and for Bean to learn that asking and receiving help doesn’t require that he give up any of his independence.
Another thing that has taken off this past month that seems to really help with the temper tantrums is Bean’s ability to communicate and his ability to understand abstract concepts. He is talking up a storm and every day he seems to be adding new words to his vocabulary. He now understands what and where “home” is and so when we’re out somewhere and he starts to get fidgety, I can explain that we’re going home soon and he seems to understand what that concept means. He usually starts giggling and saying something about seeing Lucy and Molly (or Daddy, if Chris isn’t already out with us). Another concept that has really helped things is the idea of waiting and being patient. Though he is hit or miss on actually doing it, he does understand what it means to wait for something. So, if I say that he has to wait before we can eat dinner or he has to wait before we can leave, he understands what that means. He might not WANT to wait, but he at least knows what we’re saying.
I’m so happy that Bean is still as interested in books as he has always been. He still loves to be read to, but he also loves to read out loud to us or to his stuffed animals. In fact, just tonight after I had read two books to him and I put him down in his new big boy bed, he asked for a book to read in bed. So, I tucked him in with a little board book and he read until he fell asleep. I love that about Bean! I hope he keeps this love of books and that as he gets older we can start reading more together.
One thing that is totally new and surprised me and Chris’s mom until neither of us could hardly say a word was Bean’s ability to work puzzles. He got several new puzzles for Christmas from both me and Jackie. One night over vacation we were all sitting in Jackie’s living room together and Bean pulled out one of his puzzles and without any help from anyone, he put every single piece into the correct spot on the first try. We tried not to squeal and call too much attention to it so we didn’t distract him, but it was really hard not to shout out, “MY BOY’S A GENIUS!” He pulled out a second puzzle and did the same exact thing – every piece in the right place on the first try. And this time I couldn’t help myself and I actually did shout out, “MY BOY’S A GENIUS!”
Another thing that surprises me is how much he is learning at school these days. I hear him singing bits of the alphabet perfectly clearly. I see him counting to five (though his favorite is, “One, two, three, GO!” and, for some unknown reason, “Two, five, GO!”). He can identify just about any animal, including dolphins, whales, and turtles that he learned on our trip to Sea World over Thanksgiving break. He knows every single body part from his head down to his toes and can even sing, “Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” now. Though most of these little bits of knowledge are sporadic and he remembers them mostly because of songs he likes to sing, I still love that his little mind is soaking up all that knowledge during the day. It makes me feel even better about our decision to put him in daycare.
I find that I say this just about every month, but 18 months really has been my favorite so far. Chris and I love that we are able to communicate so much more with him and that he seems to be growing and learning and developing at such a fast pace, while still keeping that easy going attitude that we love about him. But my favorite part of 18 months? Bean learned to say, “I love you, Mama” and “I love you, Dada.” And that is, hands down, the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.
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