Communication | Marriage Confessions Communication

I can’t remember a time when my life has been this orderly. For the past two weeks, I get to work early like always, ready to tackle my to-do list, but I end up sitting there trying to come up with a to-do list. When I come home, I get dinner going and then begin to look around for the chores that always need to be done, and I find there’s just not that much to do. It’s the first time I can ever remember being this caught up both at work and at home. It is really freeing up some of my time. Now at school, instead of busying myself with paperwork, I am able to pay more direct attention to my students and I’m enjoying them more than ever. At home, instead of doing endless tasks, I’m sitting on the floor more playing with the kids. Life’s been pretty good lately.

While I’ve been going through this time of less stress and more free time, Chris has been going through a period of more stress and less free time. Work has been stressful for him these past couple months, and I think he’s bringing that stress home. He’s been picking at things here, complaining about things here, and stressing about things here that just aren’t that important in the grand scheme. I think when real stress hits, it infects all other areas of your life and that is definitely what’s happening with him.

Quite frankly, I’m getting kind of tired of it.

I feel bad saying that because I know how patient Chris always is with me when I’m the one with a stressful load. But the thing is, I HAVE been patient. This has been going on for about a month or more and I’ve been so supportive about it. SO SUPPORTIVE. Everything that he has said stresses him out, I’ve worked to relieve if I can. But nothing has changed. He comes home from work every day barely talking to anyone, and brooding everywhere he goes, no matter how much I try to help make things better.

The other night, he came home from work in that mood again and the minute he walked in the door I wanted to scrape my nails down a chalkboard and scream. I couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I sat on the couch as he moped around and I thought to myself, “I need a new approach.” He continued to complain and mope and pout and point out the chores that weren’t done and the things that we needed to do, blah, blah, blah, and finally I interrupted him.

“IF YOU DON’T LIKE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, THEN CHANGE THEM OR SHUT UP!”

And that pretty much began the strangest fight/tense discussion we’ve ever had. Everything I said to Chris was brutally honest, to the point of being harsh, and every argument he shot back at me was piercing, and yet we never raised our voices. We got frustrated and one of us would walk out of the room for a few minutes to cool down and think things over, but then we’d come back and keep on talking.

The thing is, I wasn’t being mean. I was just being honest and leaving the fluffy love stuff out of it. I basically told Chris he had to suck it up. I told him that this was our life right now – laundry piles and dishes and sick babies. It was just the way things were. And, you know, that wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Our life was pretty darn great, and I thought that the stress he was feeling at work was making it hard for him to see that. I told him that I was tired of hearing about how hard his days were because, quite frankly, so are mine, but I come home to escape those stresses, not to rehash them or live in them. I said that happiness was not something that came and went randomly, it was a choice we had to make every day and there wasn’t anything that was going to change in our lives to make him any happier. If he wanted to be happy, he was going to have to decide to be happy.

When it was over, we sat next to each other on the couch and watched TV, occasionally talking or point out random things, just like nothing had happened. But the next morning, Chris woke up in a much better mood. And that afternoon, I came home to find him fixing the pool pump (the bane of his homeowner existence). This past weekend when Chris was home with the kids while I was in Atlanta, he spent some good, quality time with the kids. They ran errands together, played together, and did chores together. When I came home, the house was cleaned, the laundry was done, dinner was on the stove, and Chris looked happier than I had seen him in weeks.

I don’t know what sort of nugget of marital insight this has provided me. Maybe that honesty is the best policy? Or that your spouse is your mirror of truth? Or maybe even happiness is a choice? Could I even tie it into my favorite, “Bloom where you are planted” saying? I’m not really sure. Maybe I’ll think about it some more and find some kind of philosophical meaning to this.

But more than likely, I think this is just part of being married. Sometimes in my marriage, Chris and I are soft places to land in the midst of really hard times, and sometimes we’re the very honest pep talk that we need to get up and make a change. Chris has been the one to tell me before that there’s nothing to do but buck up and move forward, and now I’ve had to tell him the same. I think that’s the side of marriage where friendship really becomes crucial because good friends can guide without judging, and a good spouse can, too. Like a good friend, a good spouse can give you a warm, supportive place for you to hide for a while, and they can also be the one to push you a little bit, even when you don’t want to hear it. I’m glad that Chris has been both those things to me in my life, and I’m glad that I can be that for him, too.

17 comments | posted in Communication, Fights, Husbands, Marriage, Marriage Confessions, Operation BWYP, Understanding Chris | tags: Marriage

Chris’s job isn’t like most other jobs. He is the general and production manager at a regional theater here in Orlando and a large part of his job is overseeing the technical aspects of the plays they produce. Normally, this job can be done in a typical 9-5 work day. When he was in grad school, he was the one who did the actual designing and building of scenery. And that job is time intensive. Lots of working through the night to get a set ready to for actors the following day. As a manager now, though, Chris doesn’t really have to put in those kinds of hours anymore. That’s actually the reason he took the job he has now. With two little kids at home, we were looking for a job where he wasn’t tied to the theater at all hours of the day and night and this position was the perfect fit.

But once a month, Chris has to work technical rehearsals. It’s called “working tech.” At these rehearsals, they aren’t running through the play itself, they are running through the play from the technical aspects. They go through all the lighting and sound cues, all the set movements, all the costume changes, etc. And that takes a LONG, LONG time. As the production manager, Chris is at most of these tech rehearsals, just in case there are problems with anything technical and to make sure everything goes smoothly. On those weekends, he works “ten out of twelves,” which means that out of twelve hours, he is working ten of them. And that goes on for two, three, sometimes four days. It’s a long process, even when things are running smoothly. But for the show they are working right now, things aren’t going so great and so an already long process has become grueling. He didn’t come home last night until 3:00am and then he was back up at the theater by 9:00 this morning.

It’s hard on all of us when he’s working these kinds of hours. I miss having him around, to help with dishes, to help put the kids to bed, to cozy up on the couch with after bedtime. The kids really miss having him around, too. Even though it’s just for a couple days, they only get to see him once or twice a day for half an hour or so. Bean asks about him when he’s gone and Gracie…well…she gets so excited when she finally sees him that it’s like she’s just been sitting there waiting for him to walk in the door.

But out of all of us, it’s Chris who has it the worst during tech. Not only is he working really long hours, but he really misses us, too. He calls and texts me all day, asking what we’re doing. He comes home any time there is a chance, even if it’s just for 20 or 30 minutes. Sometimes, it takes him longer to get home than he has to stay. Basically, he’s just beat.

(Look, they have the same cowlick!)

Chris has one more day of tech left and I think we’re all ready for him to come home. When he’s working like this, I try to make things easy for him at home. I bought some of his favorite snacks at the grocery store today – pretzels, Barq’s Root Beer, Velveeta and chips for cheese dip. I make a lot of plans for me and the kids, so we’re not just sitting around waiting, because when I sit around and wait, I get pissed. Even when I have no reason to get pissed. So, we stay busy. My mom came down and spent all day with us Saturday and then she babysat Saturday night while I went out to a jewelry party with a new friend (post coming soon about my new awesome jewelry and my attempt to make friends…). Then, today we made rainbow rice and went for a two hour walk around our neighborhood. Tomorrow we have a play date. Busy, busy, busy.

Sometimes, marriage is about love and passion. Sometimes its about going through things together, side by side. And sometimes, it’s about being the safe place to come back to after life beats you up for a few days on a theater stage.

29 comments | posted in Around the House, Communication, Family, Husbands, Jobs and Careers, Marriage, Marriage Confessions | tags: Family, life, Marriage

1. Thanks to everyone who voted on which “Gift of Happiness” trip Chris and I should take. We are so happy that you all chose the ADVENTURE PACKAGE!! Yay! Chris says I messed up the voting because I swayed you, but I think you all just know the perfect vacation package when you see one, right???? SO SHUT IT, CHRIS!

2. Thanksgiving is, like, next week. When did that happen??? I thought Halloween was yesterday? We are heading to my parent’s house next Wednesday to spend a few days with the fam. I’m super excited, but about 1.3 million things have to happen before we can leave. First, I have to take Gracie to the doctor on Monday and go to the DMV to get my license renewed. Then on Tuesday I have jury duty (who schedules jury duty the week of Thanksgiving?!?!). And on Wednesday morning I’m have my BFF, Emily, over for breakfast while she is in town from California. Sometime in the middle of all of that, I have to make green bean casserole and two dozen deviled eggs for Thanksgiving dinner.

3. I’m taking a field trip tomorrow to Chris’s theater. I’m super excited, but not as excited as my students. They really want to meet Chris for some reason.

4. Chris and I are in a funk/slump right now. Actually, he’s in a funk/slump right now. He doesn’t feel good, he has an ulcer in his mouth (he gets them from stress), and work has been crazy for him lately. I’m sympathetic to all those things. But it’s been going on for about a month now and, to be honest, I miss my husband, darn it. I go back and forth between being mad at him and feeling sorry for him, but lately I’ve decided that sometimes in marriage one person just has to carry the relationship for a while. Someone has to make the effort for both people when the other one isn’t able to. Chris did it for me last year and so I’ll do it for him now. Cause I love him. And cause he’s a good kisser.

5. Bean has a Christmas play at his new daycare in a few weeks. It’s supposed to be a surprise program, but a couple nights ago, Chris and I were sitting in the living room after we’d put the kids to bed and we heard Bean singing in his room, “We WISH you a merry Christmas! We WISH you a merry Christmas! We WISH you a merry Christmas and a haaaaappppppyyyyy neeeewwww yeeeeaarrrrr!!!” We silently died laughing and then sat on the stairs together for 10 minutes listening to him sing his entire Christmas program. It was one of the sweetest moments. I love being his mom.

6. I have been reading the entire Harry Potter series with a few kids from my classes this semester. It’s my first time reading them and they are just as good as everyone has always said they are. I just finished the sixth book last night and started the seventh book today. I have one class where practically every student is reading some part of the series right now and they all cheered with me when I told them today I was on the last book. It was the 4,000th time in the past year that I said a silent prayer of thanks that I’m a teacher now because kids are pretty darn awesome.

7. The fourth volume of Southern Weddings Magazine came out a few weeks ago and I am so proud that a piece of my writing is in it! The SW editorial team are just about the sweetest people you’ll ever meet and the quality of their magazine is absolutely breathtaking. If you’re getting married (or even if you just love pretty pictures of happy people and gorgeous places), pick up a copy of Southern Weddings Magazine and then let me know what you think of my article on how to include family in your planning process and, later, in your marriage.

8. If I had one wish, I’d wish for a laundry fairy who would just silently show up when the laundry needed to be done. She’d whisk it all away with a flick of her fairy dust and it would instantly be clean, smell good, and be folded back in the correct drawer or closet. If science can make those tiny toy dinosaurs that grow into huge toy dinosaurs in water, then surely they can whip up a laundry fairy in some lab somewhere…

9. I have not checked my email in a week and I know for a FACT that I have at least six important emails that are waiting for my response. I’m hoping the world doesn’t explode before Saturday because that’s when I’m scheduling time to tackle the email beast.

10. If I had a second wish after the laundry fairy wish, I’d wish for an email fairy who would read all my emails, respond to the ones who need responses, save the ones that are worth saving, and trash the ones that need to be dumped. I’d also want my email fairy to organize some email folders for me. And maybe figure out how to delete the email accounts from my phone because email on my phone just annoys me.

That is all.

Happy weekend.

24 comments | posted in Around the House, Communication, Family, holidays, Husbands, Marriage, Marriage Confessions, Southern Weddings | tags: Gift of Happiness, life, Southern Weddings Magazine

I don’t like to be told what to do. (Who does, really?) And if that something that I need to do involves making a change in myself? Well then, whoever is brave enough to tell me to my face had better be wearing a helmet and a sports cup.

Just about the only people in the world that I can take direct criticism from are Chris and my sister. Ginny keeps me in check when I’m being stupid or immature. She tells me to get over things, grow up, and let it go. And though I sometimes get mad at her in the conversation, almost always, I go away somewhere by myself to lick my ego’s wounds and then I think about what she said and usually I make some changes. Sisters are great for reality checks.

Chris hardly ever criticizes me. Ever. He’s a good man and patient beyond belief, so when he tells me I’m doing something wrong or need to make some changes, I usually listen up. You’d think having that much of an impact on a person would give him a power trip, but it never has. He is selective when it comes to asking things of me and because of that, I always take him seriously.

On our way to Atlanta, after the kids had fallen asleep for the night and while we sat in comfortable silence, Chris came right out with a request.

“I need you to make a little more effort, Kate,” he said.

He had said this to me the week before, but it had been in a tense voice over two cranky kids and dinner on the stove, so we had just fought about it for five minutes and then moved on. It wasn’t productive (or even kind) at all. But hearing him speak to me thoughtfully and lovingly helped me let my guard down a bit so that I was really able to hear what he was saying.

The immediate problem he needed more effort in was with our money. Since my meltdown last year, Chris has taken over our finances to take some of the load off of me and I cannot tell you how helpful that has been. He took it over completely and except for an occasional, “Go easy this week,” I really hear very little about our money. Which is why I am ashamed to admit that the few times Chris has come to me to help him make financial decisions, I have pushed him away or melted down and not been able to have the conversation.

“I know you’re still anxious about money,” he told me in the car. “But we’re doing okay now and I really need you to get back to the point where you can help me make some decisions. It’s not fair that I have to decide budgetary things about our money by myself. It’s too much pressure for one person. You should be able to help me. Not with the day-to-day, but with the long-term planning. I need you to get to a place where you can help me.”

I listened to what he said and I knew he was right. In fact, maybe some of my anxiety would go away if I was more involved and knew what was going on. Once I agreed to make more of an effort, Chris thanked me and then said, “Actually, I need you to make a little more effort around the house, too.”

That’s when I started to get defensive. I do a TON around our house – cooking, laundry, diapers, bath time, bedtime, blogging… Who was he to tell me I needed to do MORE?

But Chris, knowing me so well, reached over and held my hand before I could explode and told me to listen. “It’s not about chores. I need you to make a little more effort with responsibilities. Things like sorting the mail, instead of refusing to open it. Answering emails, instead of asking me if I’ve looked at them. Our household is just a little messy right now and I need you to get to the place where you can help make it better.”

Once again, I knew just what he was talking about.

The truth is that last year when I had my meltdown and crawled into my black hole for a while, it was all those little things that I lost track of. I stopped opening mail – even to the point of not paying our bills. I stopped checking my email because there was just so much of it and it overwhelmed me. I didn’t manage our family calendar. I’d make appointments and then not go, or I’d forget to make the appointment altogether (case and point, Gracie STILL hasn’t been baptized and I forgot to schedule her six month vaccinations). I stopped planning our meals and clipping coupons. If it required planning or patience, I basically gave up doing it. Partly because I was depressed and partly as a solution to the depression. I cut myself some slack. I asked for help and I learned how to take help when it was offered. And there wasn’t a thing in the world wrong with that.

But now, things are better. I’m not overwhelmed (more than normal…). I’m happy and healthy and our family is back where we needed and wanted to be. And so, Chris was right. It was time for me to start taking some of that responsibility back for myself. I’ve had a whole year of excusing myself from details so that I could get better. And I did. But now, it’s time for me to start picking my load back up again.

I told my friend, Sarah, about the conversation I had with Chris and when I confessed that I was a bit of a mess at home, she was shocked.

“Your classroom is one of the most organized places I’ve ever seen,” she had said. “Maybe you just need to implement some of the same procedures that you use in your classroom in your home.”

I decided she was exactly right. What my home life needed was structure. We have a pretty clear routine, but we don’t have many structures or procedures in place. In my classroom, my students know where to turn in homework every day and where and how to check out books from my library. They know where the extra pencils are kept and they know where to keep their materials throughout class. I needed some of that same structure in my home and then maybe it wouldn’t be so overwhelming to me to take on some of that responsibility again.

I decided to start small. Our entry way in the new house is a little tricky because you have to come up a flight of stairs before you put your stuff down. And when I would finally get upstairs, hauling all my stuff and two kids in the afternoons, I’d usually just fling everything into a big arm chair and that’s where it’d stay until we left the house again. Papers piled up there, random mail, coats, keys, cell phones, shoes – it was just a big mess. So, last weekend as soon as we got home from Atlanta, I asked Chris to move one of our small cabinets into that entry way.

It has a key bowl to hold keys and sunglasses (because I am ALWAYS losing both of those). There’s a plug for my cell phone charger (because I am ALWAYS losing that, too).

And there is storage space down below to hold all of our daily bags that we use – lunch bags, diaper bags, my school bag, my purse, etc. Now it all has a place.

Now, I have a place to sort through the mail and put my things so that my house doesn’t look like a college apartment. Is that a solution to all our problems? Not by a long shot. But it is a beginning step for me. I know myself and I know that I have an urge to please people and so my first instinct is to just take on the world because Chris asked me to make a few minor changes. But if I do that, I’m going to sink again under the weight of everything. So, I’m starting with small steps. Like meal planning and doing a load of laundry every night.

And this weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon cleaning out the NEWBORN clothes from Gracie’s closet (see how bad it had gotten?!?!).

None of these are life changing, but they are changing my marriage day by day. Chris really appreciates me stepping up and helping more. He likes coming home to a house that isn’t going crazy and not having to search around for mail or step over piles of laundry. And, you know, so do I.

Chris and I have been together a long time and through all those years, I’ve come to see him in a lot of different roles. Sometimes he’s my husband and sometimes he’s like a brother. Sometimes his presence is commanding, like a father, and sometimes he is like having a third child. But the role he plays in my life that I am the most appreciative for is the role of my best friend. Having a kind, loving voice of reason who helps me become the best version of myself is a quality in our marriage for which I am very thankful.

36 comments | posted in Around the House, Communication, Depression, Husbands, Marriage, Marriage Confessions | tags: depression, Marriage