discipline | Marriage Confessions discipline | Laugh. Fight. Stay Married.

Bean is entering a new phase. I think this must be the three-year-old behavior people warned me about. These days, Bean is like a PMS-ing tiny warlord hyped up on steroids. He’s emotional, moody, demanding, bossy, and very rambunctious. My sweet, shy, quiet little two-year-old has become a little turd.

I say it with love, but it’s true.

The biggest change in him would have to be his roughness. I remember a few months ago we were at a birthday party for a little boy in Bean’s class who was turning three. There were other three-year-old boys there and I remember watching them push and shove and literally roll around on the ground playing in the dirt. Meanwhile, Bean was hanging out over on the sides, kind of close to me, just watching and checking things out. I remember thinking, “Thank goodness Bean isn’t a rough boy.”

Oh, boy.

It’s like all the rough and tumble that comes with being a boy just suddenly came surging through Bean in the past two weeks. He’s rough and pushy now. He kicks things and jumps on things and throws things and takes things from Gracie. I don’t think he’s intentionally being mean, but it’s like he can’t control it. He reminds me of the Hulk.

All these changes are driving me crazy! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Michael, is that how we play nicely?” over the past two weeks? Bean hasn’t sat in time out in months, but lately I feel like he’s been in time out more than he’s been out of it! To a certain extent I’m trying to let him ride through this phase. I know this is just part of being three and being a boy, so I try not to stay on him ALL THE TIME. But at the same time, there are rules in our house that we do not break. We share toys, we don’t push or kick, we treat our toys nicely. And no matter what phase my kids are in, those rules have to be followed. Which is usually how Bean ends up in time out…

The difference between the two’s and three’s from what I can tell is that at two, they are still learning how to control their emotions. You get random outbursts and meltdowns because they are learning how to use those emotions and actions, so they can’t really control them yet. And then they learn how to control them, so they like to practice using them – like, a LOT. Two was tough, but the actions (no matter how frustrating) made sense in some way.

But this three-year-old thing? From what I can tell, now it’s not about learning to control those emotions and actions, it is knowing what’s right and wrong and deliberately choosing the wrong, just to try and cross the line. I’m sure that psychologically he’s learning about boundaries and limitations right now and that these little acts of defiance are to test our limits, so I’m glad that Chris and I are holding firm about what rules we have in our house. But GEEEEZZZZ! This is going to be tough!

Last night Bean was particularly challenging. He wasn’t being very nice to Gracie and I ended up sending him to bed early because of his behavior. This morning wasn’t much better as Bean pitched a total temper tantrum about not having a THIRD bowl of cereal because we were running late for school. By the time we got to daycare, I have to admit that I was ready to drop him off. I had told him that he could have breakfast at daycare since he didn’t get to finish his bowl of cereal at home, so I took him into the cafeteria to eat after we’d dropped off Gracie. Normally, if Bean eats breakfast there, I just drop him off and he sits at a little table, eats his breakfast, and then the cafeteria girls take him to his classroom when he’s done. But this morning when I went to drop him off, he took my hand and looked up at me with those big blue eyes of his daddy’s and said, “Mommy, will you sit with me?”

I was so late for work already. So, so, so late. But it was so nice to see my sweet boy shine through for just a minute and so I sat down with him and we ate breakfast together right there in the middle of the daycare cafeteria. There was the normal rush of morning drop off going on around us, but Bean ate his waffle and talked to me like we were the only people in the room, and soon I felt like we were. It only took him about 10 minutes to eat his waffle, and then I walked him to his classroom before I left. And I smiled all the way to school.

Three is going to be rough. I can already tell. But three might also be very surprising on random Tuesday mornings, and that part I’m really looking forward to.

23 comments | posted in About Beanie, Angry Bean, Boys, discipline, Growing Bean, Milestones, parenting, The Romper Room, Toddlerhood | tags: Family, parenting, toddlers

Being two years old is rough work. Exhausting, really. It takes all that Bean has to hurl himself emotionally onto the floor in order to let me know that he would rather have water than milk with his dinner. These kinds of statements don’t just happen, people. Two year olds put blood, sweat, and tears into their decision making. Being two ain’t for the fainthearted.

Neither is being the mother of a two-year-old.

Can I be honest with you? I feel like a total failure about 85% of the time with Bean. Like, I must be doing something wrong for him to have such explosions of emotions and tempers. I do what everyone says to do, I ignore the behavior that I don’t want to encourage. But this just seems to exasperate the problem.

After a whole year of ignoring the bad behavior, I decided last month that I was over that. It didn’t correct his behavior or show him what he should be doing instead and he didn’t seem to have a problem laying on our kitchen floor wallowing. And, quite frankly, I was tired of hearing him wallow. Now, when Michael flips out, I do one of two things. If he’s flipping out about a frustration he has that I can help him with, I go to him and tell him very calmly that I can’t hear him when he is crying. Then I wait and 9 times out of 10 he gets himself together and tells me what is wrong. The other times when he is upset simply because he doesn’t get his way, I put him in his bedroom to cool off a bit. I don’t yell at him or punish him, I simply walk him up to his room (or drag him…whatever you want to call it…) and explain that when he stops crying, then he can back downstairs.

At first, I felt really bad sending him away like that, but I’m learning that it really is a better option for Bean than a time out. For one thing, I can send him to his room and he can still calm down and play (which is how it usually goes) and for another thing, I can save the time outs for defiant behavior – which is not allowed at our house.

But no matter what the game plan is or how we choose to handle Bean’s two-year-old outbursts, I still feel like I’m doing something wrong. That he wouldn’t be so emotional if I was a better mom.

Maybe better mom’s don’t watch their two-year-olds pitch temper tantrums while thinking to themselves, “That kid needs a Midol…”

49 comments | posted in About Beanie, discipline, parenting, The Romper Room, Toddlerhood | tags: toddlers

Last week I shared about the behavior changes we were seeing in Bean since Gracie’s arrival. You all gave great suggestions and ideas for how to deal with it and so did our pediatrician and my mom. So, Chris and I took all that information and started forming our own game plan for Bean Man.

Chris and I are big on game plans for parenting. Periodically, when we start to notice the needs of Bean (and, later, Gracie) changing, we’ll decide it’s time to change the game plan. For example, we had one when it was time to start thinking about potty training and we had another one when Bean became much more mobile around a year old. Usually game plan conversations happen at night after Bean’s gone to bed and we can really talk through whatever issue we need to address. We both talk about what behavior is new in Bean and needs attention (and it isn’t always bad behavior – we talk a lot about good things, too) and then we work through different ways we want to deal with it. Having a game plan keeps us on the same page. It makes it easier on us because we put together a formula of sorts. “If this happens, then we will respond like this…” And it makes sure we are both parenting the same way, which is really important for kids. They need that consistency and having a game plan helps Chris and I to be consistent.

This past weekend, Chris and I started to formulate our game plan for Bean this summer when I’m home with him. Not only is he adjusting to Gracie, but he’s also adjusting to not being in daycare every day and on top of all that, he’s entering the Two’s. That’s a lot of change for both him and us and so our parenting needs to change a bit, too. Our biggest game changer in the coming months is our use of time out. The change being that we are now actually DOING time outs. We’ve used them sporadically in the past, but we’ve decided to use them consistently and more frequently now. We decided to enforce the time out rule mostly because Bean understands the concept of it now. He knows when he’s done something wrong, he knows how to sit still for two minutes, and he understands when he’s in trouble.

We don’t use time out all the time (or else it would lose it’s effectiveness), but we use it for specific actions. As our pediatrician suggested, we use it when Bean is outright defiant. When I tell him something and he looks right at me and does something else – that’s a time out. Our time outs work like this:

Bean gets a warning (“Michael, we do not hit the dogs.”). If he changes his behavior, we throw a party. If he doesn’t change his behavior, he gets a time out warning (“Michael, Mommy said we do not hit the dogs. Do you need a time out?” He always violently shakes his head no.). If he changes his behavior, we throw a party. If he doesn’t change his behavior, he gets a time out (“Michael, you are in time out because you hit Molly. We don’t hit.”). He sits in time out for two minutes, usually crying. And then I go back over to him and ask him to apologize (“Okay, buddy. Thank you for sitting in time out. Let’s go tell Molly you are sorry for hitting her.”). When the apology is over, I release him and we move on (“What a big boy you are for saying you’re sorry! I’m so proud of you! Let’s go play outside.”)

There are a ton of ways to do a time out and I’m sure it depends on your child and your parenting style, but I think the trick – no matter how you enforce it – is to be consistent each time. Having a game plan for Chris and I helps us to keep processes like this consistent for Bean. He knows no matter who he is dealing with, certain behaviors aren’t allowed and the punishment will always be the same.

This week was our first week with the new game plan and I am happy to report it’s been a great week. The two days there were several time outs as Bean started to realize some of his previous behaviors were no longer going to be tolerated (i.e. throwing toys and yelling inside), but once he got the hang of the new parameters, there have been MUCH less time outs. We didn’t even have one yesterday. He got the time out warning and since he knew what was coming next, he changed his behavior and life moved on.

I’m learning that discipline and teaching in toddlers is just as much about parental communication as it is about the child. Chris and I have to be on the same page for the discipline to work and we can’t be on the same page unless we’re talking about specific actions and steps we want to take as a family. And I’m so glad to see the positive effects of those game plans already coming through in Beanie.

14 comments | posted in About Beanie, discipline, parenting, Parenting Ideas, Siblings, The Romper Room, Toddlerhood | tags: parenting, terrible two's, toddler discipline

Bean has definitely embraced being a big brother. He loves his “Gaycee.” He brings her toys and shares his food with her (according to Bean, she should be eating more popcorn and cheese). He helps me with every diaper change and he gives her lots and lots of kisses. I’m so thankful for this. I was afraid he would take out any frustration or anxiety about having a baby in the house on the baby, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Instead, we are seeing Bean’s response to being a big brother in his behavior towards me and Chris. This week we’ve seen all kinds of new behavior in him. He has become very demanding and bossy (…can’t imagine where he gets those traits from…). He’ll stand in one room and yell out, “MOM! COME HERE NOW!” Or, if we’re doing something and Chris or I have to walk away for whatever reason, he’ll yell out, “COME BACK HERE!” He’s like a tiny titan. We aren’t really sure how to correct this because I don’t know that he’s able yet to understand tone in his speech, so we’ve been asking him to say please. So, now he sounds like a very polite tiny titan.

“MOM! COME HERE NOW, PLEASE!”

If I had to get inside Bean’s complex little psyche, I’d guess that this is his way of asking (or, rather, demanding) attention. He orders us around all day long and it’s only about keeping our attention on him. He especially gets bossy when we are doing something with Gracie. He gets really mad if we stop what we are doing with him to go do something with Gracie. The yelling becomes even louder and his demands are said even more when that happens.

He’s also become very impatient. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And this week he has let us know. His favorite word at the moment? NOW. “NOW, PLEASE!” “NOW, MOM!” “NOW, DAD!” “NOW FOR BEANIE!” Now, now, now. And if we happen to be doing something that means we can’t get to him at that exact moment, the chanting for NOW becomes even louder. For this, we think this is something we actually CAN teach him. Patience is hard to understand and even harder to teach, but we are starting by teaching him to wait. If we are talking and he starts yelling for something, we tell him nicely, “You have to wait, Bean,” and we hold one finger up in the air, hoping that some kind of sign language will help him understand faster.

A friend of mine gave me great advice one time. She said that if you ask the baby sometimes to wait when she is crying, it shows Bean that everyone has to wait, not just him. So, sometimes when Gracie is crying and we are doing something with Bean, we say loudly, “You have to wait, Gracie,” and we quickly finish what we are doing before going over to Gracie. This shows Bean that Gracie is no different or more important than him. Isn’t that great, practical advice? My friend is going to make a great mom one day…

Both of these new changes in Bean might be related to Gracie, but being demanding and impatient are sort of trademarks of toddlers everywhere. Whether they have new sisters or not. The last change we’ve seen in Bean though is directly related to Gracie. If Bean sees us doing something with Gracie that takes up our attention, he instantly comes over and says, “Michael’s turn?” This is big at diaper changes. While I’m changing Gracie, Bean always asks, “Michael’s diaper change? Michael’s turn?” Along the same lines, he has started wanting to use all of her baby things. He sits in her bouncer seat, he lays in her Boppy pillow, he cuddles with her blankets. If it’s something that he can actually do – like get a diaper change – we go ahead and do it and say that, yes, it is Michael’s turn. But when he’s trying to use the baby things, we tell him that those are for babies and that Beanie is a big boy and then we go find big boy things to use – like a chair or his own pillow. We don’t ever tell him he can’t use Gracie’s things, but we try to redirect and discourage, making sure he knows the difference between being a baby and a big boy.

Overall, I think Bean’s reacting pretty normally and he isn’t showing any signs that send off red flags to me. What his reactions are doing though are making Chris and I scratch our heads about how to deal with them. For the first two issues – yelling and being demanding and the impatience – we aren’t sure if we should use normal discipline like we usually would or if we should let some of the things go because he’s adjusting to Gracie. For example, when he doesn’t get a response from us right away, Bean will sometimes throw a toy or swat at us. We sternly tell him no and explain in one sentence or two that we don’t behave that way, but we haven’t used time out or even been too consistent with that correction. Honestly, I think it’s because we both feel guilty. We feel bad that Bean’s going through this adjustment period and so we’re letting some things slide. But deep down, I think both Chris and I know that we shouldn’t let things slide right now because they are only going to get worse.

So, I’m asking you, dear imaginary friends. When your child was going through an adjustment (specifically to a new sibling), were you are strict on behavior as you normally were or did you let some things slide because you knew there was a reason for the behavior? Do we stick to our normal discipline routine or do we cut him some slack for a while? What say you, dear imaginary friends?

44 comments | posted in About Beanie, discipline, Family, Gracie Girl, parenting, Siblings, The Romper Room | tags: Family, new siblings, toddler discipline, toddlers