Flashbacks | Marriage Confessions Flashbacks | Laugh. Fight. Stay Married.

Late in my pregnancy with Bean, the advice changed from how to survive my pregnancy to how to survive the first few months as a new mom. Without a doubt, the most frequent advice I heard was, “Sleep when the baby sleeps!”

Hearing that before I had any children, it seemed a little silly. Of course I’d sleep when the baby slept! What else would I do? But within one day of having Bean finally in my arms, I realized how much there was to do!

For one thing, I’d had a c-section, and so I had to take care of my own healing body, but that would have to wait until he slept because I couldn’t change bandages with a newborn in my arms.

And there was the laundry. Oh, Lord! The laundry! Epic amounts of laundry because I insisted on changing Bean’s clothes every time he touched anything and because we went through so many blankets and burp cloths on a daily basis.

And there were other tasks, too, like sending thank you notes, cleaning up the house for the next round of visitors, and preparing meals. I started to understand very quickly why everyone gave that advice, but I still didn’t know how to follow it. With so much to be done, when would I ever sleep again?!

It really wasn’t until Gracie was born that I finally figured out how to sleep when the baby slept. The first thing I learned was to lower my expectations. I learned to accept that my house wasn’t going to be tidy and neat every day. Some days I managed it, but other days I didn’t. And on those days when the house looked like it had imploded, I just let it go. Because in the grand scheme of things, dishes in my sink or laundry piles on my floor weren’t the worst things to happen.

Another tip I learned was to get “close enough.” Gracie was a colicky baby, and on days when she cried for hours straight, I settled with getting the laundry “close enough” to the washer, and so I’d collect all the dirty laundry from around the house and throw it into piles on the floor of the laundry room. And then (this is my favorite part!) I’d shut the door and walk away. I did the same thing with dishes. We bottle-fed, so I had bottles everywhere. And we ate when and where we could in those first months, so that always left a trail of dishes.

Then there were the guests who were stopping in to visit, which meant there were coffee cups and snack trays sitting out. Dishes were everywhere, and when I had a few minutes free, I started getting them “close enough” to the dishwasher. I’d make a sweep through the house with Gracie in one arm, collecting all the dishes and throwing them into the sink with the other arm. I’d get to them later.

Getting “close enough” made my whole house feel neater and organized because at least the messes were contained in specific areas, and the rest of the house could be salvaged. That did wonders for my new-mom psyche.

In the evenings when Chris got home from work, he and I would work together to actually DO the laundry and WASH the dishes. Having that extra set of hands to help was such a blessing after long days at home with a newborn!

The last thing I learned was to let people help – and not just Chris. When my parents offered to come over and help for an afternoon, I asked them to do some laundry. When my Grandma asked if she could come bring us a meal, I said yes (and I even let her do the dishes!). Before I had kids, I would never have asked someone to do my chores for me, and even with my first I had a hard time. But by the time Gracie was born, I learned that that’s just what people DO. Anyone with kids knows what position you are in as a new mom, and it makes us feel useful if you let us help. We feel like we’re passing the torch, and what a heavy torch it can be!

Using these simple little tips throughout your busy days as a new parent will actually free up some time for you, and you’ll be surprised that by the time the baby is ready for a nap, so are you!

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16 comments | posted in Around the House, Flashbacks, Marriage Confessions, Parenting, pregnancy, Reviews | tags: new moms, parenting, pregnancy

REGISTER MY FRUSTRATION

The two times Chris and I have come the closest to divorce would be the time we registered for our wedding and the time we registered for our first baby. Hands down, they were awful experiences. Come close and let me tell you the tale of how NOT to register for a newborn baby. Learn from my mistakes, people. Trust me.

In both cases, the bottom-line reason that the registry was such a fiasco was because I didn’t include Chris in preparing for the registry. When you register for an event, you usually put a fair amount of research into what you’re going to register for. At least, I do. This was especially true for baby things because a) I didn’t know anything about them and b) I wanted to make sure I had the best and safest choices out there.

But when I was doing the actual research and prep work before the day we went to register, I never really included Chris. I’d search online at work (let’s pause to appreciate the days when I had an office with a door and could occasionally surf the internet…sigh…), I’d chat with girlfriends about what products they used, I’d look up consumer reports at night. But hardly ever did I get Chris involved in this part.

Now, I do have to say that I did TRY at first to get him involved. I’d tell him about a product line or a particular style or brand I liked, but his first question was always “How much is it?” and then he’d shut down after the answer. Which made me mad because he was “putting a price on our baby.” (I think I actually yelled that phrase to him one night when I was pregnant with Bean.) He took all the fun out of preparing, and so I just stopped talking to him about it.

When the day came to register, I’ll never forget the colossal fight we had in Babies R Us, while my parents and sister stood there awkwardly trying not to listen, and I pointed my scanner gun straight at Chris’s man parts. I was in tears, Chris was angry, we were both not yelling as much as possible because we didn’t want to make a scene. But it was clearly a scene. I was eight months pregnant. Everywhere I went I made a scene. The source of the problem? The stroller.

I had done so much research about what kind of stroller I wanted to get, and had finally decided that I really wanted a travel system (the ones with the car seat that snaps into the stroller). I thought it would be easiest with a newborn and for me to operate on my own while I was out on maternity leave and Chris was at work.

But when I went to scan the travel system I wanted, Chris kind of sighed heavily. “What’s wrong?” I asked, fully prepared to compromise. He could choose any color he wanted. “I’m just not sure about the travel system,” he said. “I don’t think we need one.” “You don’t think we need one?” I asked with a tone that might as well have said, “Are you stupid????” “I mean, I just think it’s a little over the top.” “You think it’s over the top?” I asked in a tone that now said, “I cannot believe I married someone who doesn’t want a travel system.” “Well, yeah,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t think we need that much stuff.” “You don’t think we need this much stuff?” I asked in a tone that screamed, “It is a crime to humanity that I am about to procreate with you.”

Then, I think Chris threw in a “Don’t talk to me in that tone” and I threw out a “I can’t believe you’re ruining this for me,” and before we knew it, I was crying in the stroller aisle and Chris was stalking off toward the layette section to cool off.

Looking back, the problem was that I went into the registry experience knowing exactly what I wanted and Chris went into the experience not knowing anything about what he wanted. The result was Chris feeling super frustrated that he wasn’t even able to figure stuff out on his own, and I felt incredibly angry that I’d done months of research only to have it all overruled by someone who didn’t even know what a bassinet was.

Now, I know a lot of couples who never had this problem. The husband was on board and anxious to be involved from the beginning and the wife was excited to have his input. But for me and Chris, it was different. Chris was really nervous and hesitant about having a baby and so he was very standoffish. And instead of helping him feel more comfortable, I just took it as a green light to do whatever I wanted. If I did it all over again, I’d go back to the times when I’d start to talk to Chris about what type of pack ‘n’ play we should get and I’d take him to the baby store to look.

Chris (and men in general) are visual people. Chris likes to see things for himself. He wants to try them out and test things. He doesn’t want to just show up and choose something because someone told him to. When he was buying a lawn mower a couple summers ago, he went to Sears five or six times before he actually made a purchase. He just needs to see things in real life before committing.

Baby gear should have been no different. Even when he was uncomfortable, I should have pushed him a little and exposed him to all our choices in real life, not in some link in an email that he probably didn’t even open.

Another thing I should have done was be more open to his questions. When he asked questions like “How much does that cost?” or “Are you sure we need that?” I took them as a sign that he didn’t want to be involved. Like he was using these questions to prove me wrong or make a statement. But looking back, I really just think he asked those questions because that’s how his mind thinks. He just thinks in logistics. He does that whether we are buying a car or taking a vacation or registering for a baby. His mind functions very pragmatically while mine functions more emotionally.

So, when he asked those questions, they weren’t a personal attack against me or against our baby (as I kept insisting he was doing). They were very real questions that he was having, and that means that I should have stopped to talk through the answers with him. I think that would have made him feel more comfortable instead of feeling like he was always asking the wrong questions and, therefore, always left out of the process before we even began.

Registering for a baby is actually a super sweet, super fun time. Or so I hear. I really wish I had wised up a bit before we went through the process so that I was more prepared to help Chris be part of the process, too. For the record, we still have our travel system, we still love using it, and Chris tells me all the time what a great purchase that was. Not that it matters to me…But I was right. In case anyone cares.

Find more posts from bloggers sharing their experiences of motherhood on the Huggies page on BlogHer.com.

17 comments | posted in Dads, Fights, Flashbacks, holidays, Just for Fun, Marriage, Marriage Confessions, Parenting, Reviews | tags:

Some of the happiest times in my whole life were the two weeks at home after both my babies were born. For nine long months, we had anticipated the arrival of our first baby, and with him, the simultaneous birth of our new family. We had done all the prepping and primping. The nursery was ready, and the car seat was installed. All we needed was our baby.

When I was pregnant with Michael, we lived in Connecticut, while the rest of our family lived in Florida. In order for anyone to be there when he was born, we had to make arrangements for when everyone would visit. Chris and I talked for several weeks about how we wanted to schedule our family’s time with the new baby. They certainly wanted to be there on the day he was born, and we wanted them there, too. But we were also very aware of our own personalities and needs, and the needs of our new baby, and we knew that we were going to want and need some downtime of our own. Neither Chris nor I function well with a lot of change when there are lots of people around, giving opinions and “helping” to the point of exhaustion. We had waited for nine months to have our little family of three, and we knew we wanted to make sure we had some time with just ourselves. Because Bean was breech (and fat and happy, I might add…his ultrasounds made him look like a little baby Buddha sitting in there…), we knew about two weeks before that I would probably be having a c-section. I was a little worried about that, but mostly just wanted whatever was best for Bean. So, we decided that we would ask family to be there at Bean’s birth. All our family on both sides bought plane tickets for the weekend before he was born. They were afraid I’d go into labor that weekend, before my scheduled c-section on Monday. That weekend ended up being really, really wonderful. We sat around and basically waited for a baby to be born! But while we did, we spent some really great, quality time together. My dad cooked us dinner, my mother-in-law helped us install the car seat, my mom taught me how to use bottle liners, my sister and I figured out how to work a Diaper Genie. It was a relaxing weekend that put me in the right mindset for that Monday.

Monday morning when it was time for us to head to the hospital, Chris and I took our own car to give us some time together. Our families would follow in their cars, but we wouldn’t see them again until Bean was born. That was one of those minor details that we didn’t necessarily plan out but that ended up being really nice. It gave Chris and me the entire birth experience just to ourselves. And we really needed that. One thing I know about Chris is that he does much better in situations where he can figure things out for himself, and I knew that having a baby would be the same way. He needed to hold our son for the first time without having other people show him how. He needed to connect with Bean and get to know him without an audience and cameras flashing. And having that part of the day to ourselves, away from our family and friends, really gave him that opportunity.

When Bean was born later that day, the nurses promptly handed him over to Chris, who promptly brought him over to me. I don’t think there are words to describe that moment. I was absolutely speechless. I still am today, even thinking about it. In a word, it was just perfect. Absolutely perfect. My entire life just sort of popped into focus. It was the happiest day of my whole life.

Later, when they were finishing my surgery, Chris walked out to the waiting room and told our families that Bean Man had finally arrived. I could hear the shouts and squeals from them all the way back in the operating room. After the doctors finished, I was sent to recovery for about an hour. Chris and I sat on my hospital bed, holding our new son and just getting to know every inch of him. Our family was out in the waiting room, just beyond the swinging double doors to recovery, and every 5 minutes or so, they’d start yelling back to us, “MICHAEL!” they shouted. “COME PLAY WITH US, MICHAEL!” All the nurses and doctors died laughing every time it happened, and Chris and I pretended we didn’t know who those people were. Secretly, though, it was wonderful to know that my family was there. When we finally were taken up to our room, our family was able to come up and meet Bean. I realized that afternoon how important it is to have your family involved. It wasn’t just OUR family that Bean was changing. He was changing our entire family. He made our parents grandparents, our sisters aunts, and our grandparents great-grandparents. Everybody got a new title that day, thanks to Bean. And it was wonderful that they were all there to celebrate that with us.

I was in the hospital for five days because of my c-section, and my family stayed around for most of that. They stayed at our house with our dogs, which gave Chris and me time alone with Bean in the early morning and evenings, and gave our families time with him during the day. Just like we planned, our families all left the day that I was discharged. So, it was Chris, Bean, and I who drove home to our house by ourselves. And, let me tell you, after five days of being under constant surveillance at the hospital, I was so happy to come home to an empty house. We spent the next week by ourselves, getting to know Bean, but also getting to know each other as a mommy and a daddy. It was a chaotic time, I’m sure, but looking back what I remember the most was how sweet that week was because it was our little family getting to know each other and trying to figure out how we were going to make this parenting thing work.

Now, a couple days in a hospital was not long enough for my family or Chris’s family with the new baby, so we agreed that they could come back up to see us a few weeks after we were home and settled. This gave us the chance to get ourselves into somewhat of a routine and back on our feet before our house was filled with people. It also meant that each family got to spend time with the baby because they each came at a different time. Mostly, though, it was a godsend to have them there because the first round of visits started the week that Chris went back to work. My parents came to stay for that first week I would have been alone with the baby, and it was wonderful. I couldn’t do a whole lot because of my c-section recovery, so it was nice to have people in the house to help. And then the following week, Chris’s family came up and did the same thing. I think we had a week off before my sister came up to stay, too. It was so wonderful to have them around to help, and I know they enjoyed getting some quality time with the baby.

When we moved back to Florida to be closer to family and I became pregnant again, we told our families we wanted pretty much the same visitation schedule we’d had with Bean’s birth. We loved having them at the hospital, but we really wanted the house to ourselves that first week we were home. We now had a daughter to get to know, and we were also thinking about Bean Man, too. He needed some time to adjust to this new member of our family without lots of people around him. (He’s just like his daddy.) So, after our hospital stay with Gracie, our families left again for the entire first week and then they reappeared to help out when Chris went back to work. And, just like before, it was the perfect balance for all of us.

Before my babies were born, I’d never really told my family what to do before. They kind of showed up when they wanted and left when they wanted, and that had always been fine. But with the arrivals of Michael and Gracie, I learned that part of being a mom is speaking up for the welfare of your family, and, in this case, that welfare meant getting some quality alone-time together. Looking back, it was one of the best decisions we made. I really think having that first week at home alone helped us get our bearings a lot faster and gave us the confidence that maybe we could really do this. Maybe we could really be parents after all.

24 comments | posted in Family, Flashbacks, Marriage Confessions, Parenting, Reviews | tags: Family, Huggies, new moms, parenting