A little over two months ago, I shared on my blog that I was struggling with depression. 2010 was a rough year for my family and all the pressures and anxieties that come with a big move, unemployment, financial struggles, a home invasion, and an unexpected pregnancy came crashing down around me. I felt like I was spinning out of control and couldn’t find anything to hold onto to steady myself. Though I blogged about it in November, that was actually the beginning of the end of my season of depression. For months prior to that I was dealing with it by myself and hadn’t spoken to anyone about it. I say that because what I am about to say may seem premature and rushed had this only been a two month process and I realize that other people reading this and dealing with depression might feel like it would be impossible to make this next statement after only a two month period. But please realize that I was dealing with depression for many, many months before I wrote about it here, so this is a long time coming for me:
I can see myself again.
It started right around Thanksgiving. I would catch myself laughing and it wasn’t that forced laughter; it was genuine happiness. But at that point it only lasted for a couple hours at a time. But being around family and friends at Thanksgiving really helped me to sustain that happiness for much longer periods. Gradually, I started to feel more like myself for longer bits of time. And that made me even happier.
Over the Christmas break, there was not only genuine happiness and smiles, but gut-laughing and silliness and the ability to look beyond myself for a change. I spent time talking with family. I spent time listening to family. I relished the small things – church on Christmas Eve, Bean’s face on Christmas morning, Chris squeezing my hand when he brushed by me in the hall, spending time with my sister. In the hustle of the holidays, which had previously weighed me down and made me heavy with sadness, I found that by focusing on those small little joys in my everyday life, I was able to smile and laugh more. And I started to feel like myself for days. Even weeks.
Last week I had a really stressful time at work. Every day it seemed like something new was jumping up to complicate things. But I came home one night last week and gave myself time to think through what all was going on and I said to myself, “So what?” So what if I am being asked to do a few extra things in my day-to-day at work? So what if other people are frantic and stressed out? So what if deadlines are closer and expectations are higher? So what? I’m doing the best I can. I feel good everyday at the work I do. And aside from those things, everything else is out of my control. And with that one little thought, I let it all go.
That was a big turning point for me in my struggle with depression. Before, I would have worried and worried and worried some more about the changes at work (none of which are necessarily BAD changes, by the way, just a new way of doing things…). I would have stayed awake until all hours of the morning thinking about it. I would have lost interest in my job completely because it became a little more demanding. So the fact that I could tell myself I had to just let it go and then the fact that I could actually let it all go tells me that I’m coming out of this. I’m not letting that stress and worry hold me down or hold me back. And that is something I haven’t felt in over a year.
Today I had coffee with a new friend who I hope I get to know even better. She shared with me that she had been dealing with a lot of the same things I have been going through this year and that depression had crept into her life as well. Like me, she is on the upside of things and seems to be coming back to her normal, well-balanced self, but we talked today a little bit about what has helped us get through. And we both agreed there were two central things.
First, I gave myself permission to feel what I felt and then I gave myself permission to make myself happy. I have learned that ignoring what you’re feeling – sadness, depression, loneliness – only makes that feeling seem even more overwhelming. Like a monster in a closet to a child, when you drag it out into the light of day, give it a name, and really get to know those feelings, they feel much smaller and less significant. And once they are smaller and less significant, it’s a lot easier to deal with them. I made a few major changes in my life once I was able to identify and embrace what I was dealing with. I cut back on a few things, like writing and feeling obligated to make every single person around me comfortable and happy. I readjusted what a successful working pregnant mother of a toddler looks like by defining that role myself. Sure, I may only serve those steamed bags of veggies for dinner instead of cooking with a pot and a pan every night, but at least my family is being fed. And, yes, I occasionally pass my child off on Chris or whatever grandparent happens to be close by in order to take a nap or get a pedicure or watch a movie in peace. I do these things and I kick the guilt because I’ve seen what can happen to myself when I don’t get the time for myself that I need and I know that no shortcut will ever be as hard on my family as being in that low place was. They say a happy momma makes for a happy home. I’m 99% positive that phrase was uttered by the husband of a working mother dealing with depression. When I’m at my best, my family is happier and so if I have to cut myself some slack to get back to that place, then that’s okay.
I have also learned over the past year to ask for and accept help. A very humbling thing for a person like me who thinks they can do it all, all the time. Throughout the past year though, I have had to ask for help numerous times. With money, with finding balance, with rebuilding my faith, with setting priorities, and the list goes on. My Grandma told me one time that when you allow someone to help you, you are really giving them the opportunity to feel good and useful. And I’ve seen that firsthand in the past few months. At times when I really just hated speaking up and saying, “I’m not able to do this on my own right now,” I have been astonished at the sheer volume of people and in the ways those people loved the opportunity to stand up for me. From my sweet husband who lovingly told me that this would pass and until it did, he would be standing beside me, to my parents who seem to actually find pleasure in bearing my burdens, to my sister who just beams when she encourages me, to Chris’s family who has given as if there were no need to even ask in the first place, to friends who have smiled and hugged me when they were able to do things as significant as find me a job, to blog readers who shared some of the most heartwarming, heart-wrenching, wonderful stories of their own perseverance through similar situations… I have truly been astonished at what happens to not just the recipient, but to the giver when they have the opportunity to give. And as the recipient of those gifts, I cannot tell you what goodness that feeds my soul.
Through this experience, I have learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. But I have also learned that no one will ever be strong enough when they rely only on themselves.  It’s not about doing it all yourself, just to be able to say that you do it all yourself. It’s not about being the perfect wife or mother or daughter or sister or friend. It’s not about smiling all the time. It’s not about what your life appears to be to others. That is not strength. Strength comes from the faith that fills my heart and from those special people – known and unknown – who are standing with their arms open long before I even have to ask for help. That’s what true strength is.
It is the ability to recognize that we can reach so much higher when we allow others lift us up.
One of my all-time favorite movies is Hook. And one of my favorite parts is when the Lost Boys are picking sides and choosing between their new leader, Rufio, and Peter. They almost all choose Rufio because he sees himself as the leader and Peter can no longer see himself for who he truly is – Peter Pan. Instead, he has become something unrecognizable to those boys he grew up with. But the last Lost Boy comes up to Peter before making his decision. He pulls Peter down to his height and looks into his eyes and he begins to pull and prod his face, studying every wrinkle, every freckle, every inch. Finally, after a long moment of studied silence, the Lost Boy recognizes his old friend. He breaks into a smile and says, “Oh, there you are, Peter.”
After months, almost a year, of feeling like I don’t recognize myself, I am finally able to say, “Oh, there you are, Katie.” And there were never sweeter words to hear.
*****
Today I am grateful for Chris and my parents for giving me a day to myself.
Thanks to Bean sharing his germs from school with me, I have a head cold. Right in time for the holidays. Lovely! Being pregnant, head colds present a bit of a challenge. Don’t get me wrong – I am a medication person. I don’t believe in suffering unnecessarily, so I loves me some medicines. But when I’ve got a sensitive little bun in my oven, I’m a lot more aware of what I’m taking and I really try to avoid all medications as much as possible. I take Tylenol occasionally for my back and hips (both of which feel like they belong to an 80 year old woman at the moment), but I try to limit it to that.
This morning I woke up after a particularly hard night of no sleep were I sat upright all night long so that I could breathe and I thought to myself, “Okay. It’s time to do something out this. It’s time to get serious. It’s time to get some pho.”
Pho is Vietnamese noodle and beef soup. It’s like the Vietnamese version of chicken noodle soup. Only way more powerful because it’s spicy. I first had pho in Connecticut with Chris. The Yale University theater is right across the street from York Street Noodle, a small, cheap, cozy, Vietnamese noodle house. When we moved to New Haven, neither Chris or I had ever had Vietnamese food before. But the restaurant was right across from the theater and so during weeks when Chris was working full days and nights on a set, it was the only place he could spare some time to meet me for a quick bite. York Street Noodle was where I first discovered pho. And I fell in love. It’s warm and cozy and makes you feel like you’re at your mom’s kitchen table…in Vietnam.
Then I discovered that a few of my co-workers had a place close to our office where they went for Vietnamese food on their lunch break and so I forced my way into the lunch bunch. On cold, snowy winter days, nothing is better than a big, steaming bowl of pho.
Admittedly, pho is a little scary. Actually, Vietnamese restaurants can be a little scary. But it’s only because they are so authentic that I think they can intimidate Americans who are unfamiliar with that kind of food.
BUT DON’T FEAR THE PHO!
Vietnamese is my favorite ethnic food and I think it is highly underrated. So, my friends, today I am going to explain The Pho to you so that you will no longer be scared and you might possibly venture into one of those cozy, tiny Vietnamese restaurants all on your own. Actually, I would suggest going the first time with someone who knows what they are ordering so that you have a little help. But if you find yourself staring at a Vietnamese menu, go with the pho. You can’t go wrong with pho.
So. What is it and what do you do with it? Here’s what it looks like when you order it:
Now, it does vary slightly from restaurant to restaurant. For instance, the restaurants in New Haven served it in a bowl with one type of beef and you just added your toppings. But the restaurant I tried this afternoon in Orlando served it with a lot more options for toppings and several different types of beef that you could add.
Don’t be grossed out. You don’t have to use it all. In fact, I didn’t use any meat. But see that white pile of noodles? Those are the key ingredient. Also key? Sprouts and basil.
And the magic part is the broth. This broth came with meatballs, but I threw those out. I only want the broth. The wonderful, ginger-scented, rich broth. Ahhhh….
Okay. Now that we have all our parts, let’s assemble the greatest cold remedy ever made. First, put the noodles in a big ol’ bowl.
Then pour the broth over them, stirring so that they loosen up and quit clinging to each other for dear life.
Now, at this point you can add the meat of your choice. I chose no meat today because I wasn’t feeling so hot, but the flank steak beef is my favorite when I have meat. It’s cut really thin and cooked perfectly. But I was feeling meatless today.
Next come the toppings. Traditionally, you get sprouts, basil, lime wedges, and sometimes ginger. The place I went today also had jalapenos, but that really weirded me out so I ignored those. Today I went a little bland because of my cold.
First, I added sprouts. They are raw and add a nice little crunch to the soup, especially if you let them sit in the bowl and soften a bit at first.
Then I added some basil. Just the leaves. When they hit that hot broth, the infuse the soup with the most delicious taste and smell. Heaven!
Then comes the cold remedy part. It’s the Vietnamese hot sauce. It’s hot. Incredibly hot. But when you have a cold, you must not skip this step. Pour as much as you can handle without crying into the soup bowl. Then mix it around in the broth until it turns a rosy pink color from the spice.
To eat this mother load of a decongestant, you need a few tools.
First, you need an Asian soup spoon. Actually, you should have these at your house whether you’re eating pho or not. They’re great spoons. I use them for dips and things when I put out appetizers when company comes over. They make cute little serving spoons. But for pho, they are especially perfect. You use the spoon to drink the hot, spicy broth.
Then, you use chopsticks to eat the noodles, sprouts, and whatever other toppings you choose.
Do you like my chopsticks? One of my pho-eating former co-workers, Dana, brought me a set of eight beautiful chopsticks from China. They are lovely and I adore them.
The last tool you will need when you eat a bowl of pho is a box of tissues. If you have a cold, pho is the perfect decongestant. The combination of heat from the broth and the spice from the hot sauce and the smooth texture of the noodles is perfect for loosening up your sinuses. Trust me.
So, now you know how to eat pho. Which means if you find a little Vietnamese restaurant that you really want to try, but you have no idea what to order or how to eat it, now you have no excuse for not going in! And that also means if you have a cold, you’ve got a hearty, healthy, warm remedy to loosen those sinuses!
YOU’RE WELCOME!
30Nov
The day before Thanksgiving while Bean was at daycare and Chris was at work, I was in my kitchen baking biscuits to use in my dad’s stuffing recipe. I put the biscuits in the oven and then sat down to make my grocery list because I had forgotten to buy a few things. When my list was finished, I grabbed my purse and my keys, threw on some shoes, and ran up to the grocery store. When I pulled into the parking lot, it was naturally packed since it was the day before Thanksgiving. And I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this! I have biscuits in the oven!”
OH MY GOD! I HAVE BISCUITS IN THE OVEN!
I went flying back to my house, tires literally screeching, and dashed into my kitchen. Thankfully, we don’t live far from the grocery store, but still. PREGNANCY BRAIN FART #1
Then a couple days ago, I posted a new product review to my Blogher review page (don’t forget to enter to win a $100 gift card for HasbroToy.com AND a free Weebles gift pack, by the way…) and I completely forgot to tell anyone that the post was up. So for days it sat there with no traffic and no comments and I was like, “What the crap is going on here?” And then I realized. Duh. Nobody knew it was over there. PREGNANCY BRAIN FART #2.
Then yesterday I was teaching in one of my classes and there was this kid who never, ever pays attention and I saw him gazing off into space. So I called on him to answer a question. Because I’m the teacher that likes to call on the kids who aren’t paying attention.
“Jeffrey,” I said. “Can you answer the question?”
(silence)
“Jeffrey?”
(silence)
“JEFFREY!”
And then this polite little girl in the front row whispered to me, “Mrs. Brown? We don’t have anyone in this class named Jeffrey.”
And that’s when I realized that I had no clue what this kid’s name was. None. It’s like I went away for Thanksgiving and lost all memory of this one random kid. PREGNANCY BRAIN FART #3.
So today, I’m in the same exact class and we’re doing another class activity and that same kid is staring off into space again.
“Jeffrey?” I called.
And then kids started kind of giggling.
“JEFFREY!” I snapped.
“Uh, Mrs. Brown?” says the polite girl again. “We still don’t have anyone in this class named Jeffrey.”
PREGNANCY BRAIN FART #4.
This is your brain:
This is your brain when you’re pregnant:
Any questions?
10Nov
(I hope you all are Gomer Pyle fans, cause otherwise you won’t know how to pronounce the title of this post. It also helps if you are Southern. And missing a few teeth.)
I read every comment that I receive every day on this blog. When I get home from work, I sit down for a minute and see what you all have to say. But yesterday I read them over and over and over and over again. And then I cried a bit. And then I read them one more time. To say thank you is just not even close to how much gratitude I have for the kind, thoughtful, insightful, supportive, loving comments you each left yesterday. It just doesn’t even scratch the surface. Your outpouring of encouragement in blog comments, emails, Tweets, Facebook messages, and phone calls just overwhelmed me. Thank you for being there. Wherever you are. It just means the world to me.
You should also know that I got a very nice email from my Mom yesterday that basically said, “I know this is overwhelming…but you have to actually DO SOMETHING now.” So, last night Chris and I were on the phone with Sallie Mae for about an hour, actively coming up with a plan for our student loans, which are a major source of stress for me at the moment. We came up with good information and a plan of action and I instantly felt better when I hung up the phone. And I also realized and remembered that MONSTERS AREN’T SO SCARY WHEN YOU DRAG THEM OUT FROM UNDER YOUR BED! In the light of day, it was just us talking to a loan representative, who was helpful and nice and WANTED things to be better for us. There were no monsters on that phone call. And I felt about 50 pounds lighter when I got off the phone.
So I celebrated by eating 50 pounds of Halloween candy.
I blame the New Guy.
You should also know that my Grandma was here yesterday to stay home with Beaner who had a stomach bug. While she was here, she did all my laundry. All of it. Why is it important that you know that? I have no idea. I was just so excited, I felt like it was blog-worthy.
The last thing you should know is that my blog posts have been kind of skimpy this week because we are in the process of moving our site to a new, faster, bigger, better server. That means that I can’t put too much stuff up on the blog right now because of The Move. Imagine that we are loading all of our website into boxes and then onto a moving truck and getting ready to truck across town to a new server. Well, at this point everything is all boxed up, so for me to add content here would be like going out and buying new furniture and then having to unpack the moving truck to make room for the new stuff. So, I just wanted you to know that my blogging is a little weak this week because of that.
Not cause I’m cracking up.
We’ll be back to regularly scheduled blogging my little guts out tomorrow.
Until then, know that I am – as always – grateful that you all are here day after day to support me. Whether I’m dealing with a husband who is stealing my Halloween candy or something much more serious, you all continue to be here and that is just amazing. So, thanks for that.
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