1. Thanks to everyone who voted on which “Gift of Happiness” trip Chris and I should take. We are so happy that you all chose the ADVENTURE PACKAGE!! Yay! Chris says I messed up the voting because I swayed you, but I think you all just know the perfect vacation package when you see one, right???? SO SHUT IT, CHRIS!
2. Thanksgiving is, like, next week. When did that happen??? I thought Halloween was yesterday? We are heading to my parent’s house next Wednesday to spend a few days with the fam. I’m super excited, but about 1.3 million things have to happen before we can leave. First, I have to take Gracie to the doctor on Monday and go to the DMV to get my license renewed. Then on Tuesday I have jury duty (who schedules jury duty the week of Thanksgiving?!?!). And on Wednesday morning I’m have my BFF, Emily, over for breakfast while she is in town from California. Sometime in the middle of all of that, I have to make green bean casserole and two dozen deviled eggs for Thanksgiving dinner.
3. I’m taking a field trip tomorrow to Chris’s theater. I’m super excited, but not as excited as my students. They really want to meet Chris for some reason.
4. Chris and I are in a funk/slump right now. Actually, he’s in a funk/slump right now. He doesn’t feel good, he has an ulcer in his mouth (he gets them from stress), and work has been crazy for him lately. I’m sympathetic to all those things. But it’s been going on for about a month now and, to be honest, I miss my husband, darn it. I go back and forth between being mad at him and feeling sorry for him, but lately I’ve decided that sometimes in marriage one person just has to carry the relationship for a while. Someone has to make the effort for both people when the other one isn’t able to. Chris did it for me last year and so I’ll do it for him now. Cause I love him. And cause he’s a good kisser.
5. Bean has a Christmas play at his new daycare in a few weeks. It’s supposed to be a surprise program, but a couple nights ago, Chris and I were sitting in the living room after we’d put the kids to bed and we heard Bean singing in his room, “We WISH you a merry Christmas! We WISH you a merry Christmas! We WISH you a merry Christmas and a haaaaappppppyyyyy neeeewwww yeeeeaarrrrr!!!” We silently died laughing and then sat on the stairs together for 10 minutes listening to him sing his entire Christmas program. It was one of the sweetest moments. I love being his mom.
6. I have been reading the entire Harry Potter series with a few kids from my classes this semester. It’s my first time reading them and they are just as good as everyone has always said they are. I just finished the sixth book last night and started the seventh book today. I have one class where practically every student is reading some part of the series right now and they all cheered with me when I told them today I was on the last book. It was the 4,000th time in the past year that I said a silent prayer of thanks that I’m a teacher now because kids are pretty darn awesome.
7. The fourth volume of Southern Weddings Magazine came out a few weeks ago and I am so proud that a piece of my writing is in it! The SW editorial team are just about the sweetest people you’ll ever meet and the quality of their magazine is absolutely breathtaking. If you’re getting married (or even if you just love pretty pictures of happy people and gorgeous places), pick up a copy of Southern Weddings Magazine and then let me know what you think of my article on how to include family in your planning process and, later, in your marriage.
8. If I had one wish, I’d wish for a laundry fairy who would just silently show up when the laundry needed to be done. She’d whisk it all away with a flick of her fairy dust and it would instantly be clean, smell good, and be folded back in the correct drawer or closet. If science can make those tiny toy dinosaurs that grow into huge toy dinosaurs in water, then surely they can whip up a laundry fairy in some lab somewhere…
9. I have not checked my email in a week and I know for a FACT that I have at least six important emails that are waiting for my response. I’m hoping the world doesn’t explode before Saturday because that’s when I’m scheduling time to tackle the email beast.
10. If I had a second wish after the laundry fairy wish, I’d wish for an email fairy who would read all my emails, respond to the ones who need responses, save the ones that are worth saving, and trash the ones that need to be dumped. I’d also want my email fairy to organize some email folders for me. And maybe figure out how to delete the email accounts from my phone because email on my phone just annoys me.
That is all.
Happy weekend.
06Nov
I don’t like to be told what to do. (Who does, really?) And if that something that I need to do involves making a change in myself? Well then, whoever is brave enough to tell me to my face had better be wearing a helmet and a sports cup.
Just about the only people in the world that I can take direct criticism from are Chris and my sister. Ginny keeps me in check when I’m being stupid or immature. She tells me to get over things, grow up, and let it go. And though I sometimes get mad at her in the conversation, almost always, I go away somewhere by myself to lick my ego’s wounds and then I think about what she said and usually I make some changes. Sisters are great for reality checks.
Chris hardly ever criticizes me. Ever. He’s a good man and patient beyond belief, so when he tells me I’m doing something wrong or need to make some changes, I usually listen up. You’d think having that much of an impact on a person would give him a power trip, but it never has. He is selective when it comes to asking things of me and because of that, I always take him seriously.
On our way to Atlanta, after the kids had fallen asleep for the night and while we sat in comfortable silence, Chris came right out with a request.
“I need you to make a little more effort, Kate,” he said.
He had said this to me the week before, but it had been in a tense voice over two cranky kids and dinner on the stove, so we had just fought about it for five minutes and then moved on. It wasn’t productive (or even kind) at all. But hearing him speak to me thoughtfully and lovingly helped me let my guard down a bit so that I was really able to hear what he was saying.
The immediate problem he needed more effort in was with our money. Since my meltdown last year, Chris has taken over our finances to take some of the load off of me and I cannot tell you how helpful that has been. He took it over completely and except for an occasional, “Go easy this week,” I really hear very little about our money. Which is why I am ashamed to admit that the few times Chris has come to me to help him make financial decisions, I have pushed him away or melted down and not been able to have the conversation.
“I know you’re still anxious about money,” he told me in the car. “But we’re doing okay now and I really need you to get back to the point where you can help me make some decisions. It’s not fair that I have to decide budgetary things about our money by myself. It’s too much pressure for one person. You should be able to help me. Not with the day-to-day, but with the long-term planning. I need you to get to a place where you can help me.”
I listened to what he said and I knew he was right. In fact, maybe some of my anxiety would go away if I was more involved and knew what was going on. Once I agreed to make more of an effort, Chris thanked me and then said, “Actually, I need you to make a little more effort around the house, too.”
That’s when I started to get defensive. I do a TON around our house – cooking, laundry, diapers, bath time, bedtime, blogging… Who was he to tell me I needed to do MORE?
But Chris, knowing me so well, reached over and held my hand before I could explode and told me to listen. “It’s not about chores. I need you to make a little more effort with responsibilities. Things like sorting the mail, instead of refusing to open it. Answering emails, instead of asking me if I’ve looked at them. Our household is just a little messy right now and I need you to get to the place where you can help make it better.”
Once again, I knew just what he was talking about.
The truth is that last year when I had my meltdown and crawled into my black hole for a while, it was all those little things that I lost track of. I stopped opening mail – even to the point of not paying our bills. I stopped checking my email because there was just so much of it and it overwhelmed me. I didn’t manage our family calendar. I’d make appointments and then not go, or I’d forget to make the appointment altogether (case and point, Gracie STILL hasn’t been baptized and I forgot to schedule her six month vaccinations). I stopped planning our meals and clipping coupons. If it required planning or patience, I basically gave up doing it. Partly because I was depressed and partly as a solution to the depression. I cut myself some slack. I asked for help and I learned how to take help when it was offered. And there wasn’t a thing in the world wrong with that.
But now, things are better. I’m not overwhelmed (more than normal…). I’m happy and healthy and our family is back where we needed and wanted to be. And so, Chris was right. It was time for me to start taking some of that responsibility back for myself. I’ve had a whole year of excusing myself from details so that I could get better. And I did. But now, it’s time for me to start picking my load back up again.
I told my friend, Sarah, about the conversation I had with Chris and when I confessed that I was a bit of a mess at home, she was shocked.
“Your classroom is one of the most organized places I’ve ever seen,” she had said. “Maybe you just need to implement some of the same procedures that you use in your classroom in your home.”
I decided she was exactly right. What my home life needed was structure. We have a pretty clear routine, but we don’t have many structures or procedures in place. In my classroom, my students know where to turn in homework every day and where and how to check out books from my library. They know where the extra pencils are kept and they know where to keep their materials throughout class. I needed some of that same structure in my home and then maybe it wouldn’t be so overwhelming to me to take on some of that responsibility again.
I decided to start small. Our entry way in the new house is a little tricky because you have to come up a flight of stairs before you put your stuff down. And when I would finally get upstairs, hauling all my stuff and two kids in the afternoons, I’d usually just fling everything into a big arm chair and that’s where it’d stay until we left the house again. Papers piled up there, random mail, coats, keys, cell phones, shoes – it was just a big mess. So, last weekend as soon as we got home from Atlanta, I asked Chris to move one of our small cabinets into that entry way.
It has a key bowl to hold keys and sunglasses (because I am ALWAYS losing both of those). There’s a plug for my cell phone charger (because I am ALWAYS losing that, too).
And there is storage space down below to hold all of our daily bags that we use – lunch bags, diaper bags, my school bag, my purse, etc. Now it all has a place.
Now, I have a place to sort through the mail and put my things so that my house doesn’t look like a college apartment. Is that a solution to all our problems? Not by a long shot. But it is a beginning step for me. I know myself and I know that I have an urge to please people and so my first instinct is to just take on the world because Chris asked me to make a few minor changes. But if I do that, I’m going to sink again under the weight of everything. So, I’m starting with small steps. Like meal planning and doing a load of laundry every night.
And this weekend, I spent Saturday afternoon cleaning out the NEWBORN clothes from Gracie’s closet (see how bad it had gotten?!?!).
None of these are life changing, but they are changing my marriage day by day. Chris really appreciates me stepping up and helping more. He likes coming home to a house that isn’t going crazy and not having to search around for mail or step over piles of laundry. And, you know, so do I.
Chris and I have been together a long time and through all those years, I’ve come to see him in a lot of different roles. Sometimes he’s my husband and sometimes he’s like a brother. Sometimes his presence is commanding, like a father, and sometimes he is like having a third child. But the role he plays in my life that I am the most appreciative for is the role of my best friend. Having a kind, loving voice of reason who helps me become the best version of myself is a quality in our marriage for which I am very thankful.
28Sep
When Chris and I were in high school, I thought he was hot.
I loved that he loved his family and ate dinner with them every night. I loved that importance he gave to the people he loved.
When Chris and I were in college, I still thought he was hot.
I saw him become more confident and self-assured, and I thought that was dead sexy.
When Chris started grad school, I realized how smart he was. His brain worked in ways that mine could never. And I loved listening to him talk.
I watched him grow into a husband and learning to manage bank accounts and bills and homeownership with him made even the most mundane and stressful tasks a little more fun.
But seeing Chris as a dad might just be the best side of him yet. The way he lights up when he sees our wee ones and the way they light up when they see him?
Well…I…it’s….well…uh…
He’s still hot.
11Sep
Last week, Chris and I got into a big fight. We argue from time to time, like most couples, but we don’t really do the knock-down-drag-out fighting very often. And this was one of those times. It was one of those all-consuming fights that covers a range of things we’d both been mad about for a couple weeks. I call those housekeeping fights. It’s like spring cleaning. Sometimes, you just need to crawl up into those dark, cobwebby corners of your marriage and throw some windows open to air things out a bit, you know? And so, we did.
There were two main issues that kept coming up in this fight. First, having two small children is rough right now. We love our babies, but the fact that teething, potty training, and Terrible Two’s are all happening at the same time has us a little frazzled at the moment. At Bean’s age, he demands a LOT of attention right now. It’s not that he’s walking around being bad or throwing temper tantrums (though that is certainly part of this phase), it’s more that he’s testing limits and pushing boundaries out of curiosity, which is fine and healthy, but it’s important that Chris and I are consistent and firm in our responses and that takes a lot of our time and attention. Gracie also has her own needs, too. She’s five months old now (my ovaries just wept…) and she’s awake almost all day, which means she needs to be engaged and stimulated and encouraged a lot – as a baby should be. She’s at this wonderful age where she’s exploring new things and enjoying a lot more, but babies need a lot of attention and Gracie Girl is no exception.
Learning to balance our time between Bean and Gracie right now is exhausting enough, but add to that that I have gone back to work, that the kids are getting used to our new routine of daycare, that we just moved into a new house that needs a lot of work, and that we’d both like to have at least a LITTLE time to breathe in the course of a day and it doesn’t leave much time for Chris and I to connect. Our days don’t end until around 10:30 and by then, we’re tired and grumpy. The last thing we want to do is talk…or…um…not talk…
The other issue that kept coming up in our housekeeping fight was that in what little down time Chris and I have had in the past month, we’ve been spending apart, which is something we’re not used to. I’ve had commitments and meetings and deadlines that have taken me out of the house a little more than usual and Chris has used some of his down time to work on projects around the house that took him outside and away from me and the kids. In short, we were just spread a little thin and that frustration led to a lot of anger from each of us. We had started keeping score in our parenting routines. Each time I did something that he didn’t do, I tallied it up in my head. And any time he did something that I didn’t do, he tallied it up in his head. And so when we had our knock-down-drag-out, we let the tally marks fly.
But the truth is that you can’t tally up parenting or marriage. You just can’t do it. It doesn’t break down evenly. Just because I cook dinner doesn’t mean that I get to sit on the couch after bedtime while Chris does the dishes by himself in the kitchen. I could get up and, like, help. And just because Chris does Bean’s bath time doesn’t mean he is excused from folding a load of laundry. The thing about a family is that kids don’t care who’s more tired or who did the last chore. They have needs and they need them met. And what am I going to do? Refuse to give Gracie a bath because it’s not my turn?
To get us to a better place, Chris and I decided to cancel all our plans this weekend and for the next week. We are intentionally doing nothing so that we can reset our family clock. We’re retreating into our new, sweet little home and regrouping. We spent this weekend doing things like taking family trips to Home Depot and grocery shopping together (which was a disaster, by the way, but it’s the effort that counts, right?). We sat on the couch and watched football and played on the floor with Bean and Gracie. We put the kids to bed together and we helped each other with household chores. And then, after the kids had gone to bed, Chris and I cooked dinner together and talked about things like work and plans for the house and why we thought we’d been off kilter lately. We came up with a new game plan for discipline for Bean and we laughed about Gracie’s ability to inhale baby food like she was drinking it up with a straw. And when we felt things getting tense (like in aisle three of the grocery store), we took deep breathes, gave each other long, inappropriate kisses in public while Bean tugged on our legs, and started again.
I receive emails and notes a lot from readers asking me for marriage advice and I am always hesitant to give it. The past month is the reason why. Because if I know anything about marriage it is that it is fluid. It’s moving. It’s always changing, always growing, sometimes taking a couple steps backwards, sometimes taking a step or two forward. Just when I think I have it figured out, I learn something else. To try and pin it down is like trying to pin a cloud. But if I was really pressed to give sometime marriage advice, it would be this:
Take care of your marriage. Plant it in the good, rich soil of faith. Feed it compassion, patience, and grace. Don’t forget to trim off parts when they begin to weather or be afraid to prune it back a bit when it seems to be growing a bit out of control. Remember that seasons will come and go and that the needs of your marriage might change with those seasons. And then water it with love. Good, old fashioned, deep from the heart love.
Blooming where you are planted begins inside your marriage.
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