Bean has definitely embraced being a big brother. He loves his “Gaycee.” He brings her toys and shares his food with her (according to Bean, she should be eating more popcorn and cheese). He helps me with every diaper change and he gives her lots and lots of kisses. I’m so thankful for this. I was afraid he would take out any frustration or anxiety about having a baby in the house on the baby, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Instead, we are seeing Bean’s response to being a big brother in his behavior towards me and Chris. This week we’ve seen all kinds of new behavior in him. He has become very demanding and bossy (…can’t imagine where he gets those traits from…). He’ll stand in one room and yell out, “MOM! COME HERE NOW!” Or, if we’re doing something and Chris or I have to walk away for whatever reason, he’ll yell out, “COME BACK HERE!” He’s like a tiny titan. We aren’t really sure how to correct this because I don’t know that he’s able yet to understand tone in his speech, so we’ve been asking him to say please. So, now he sounds like a very polite tiny titan.
“MOM! COME HERE NOW, PLEASE!”
If I had to get inside Bean’s complex little psyche, I’d guess that this is his way of asking (or, rather, demanding) attention. He orders us around all day long and it’s only about keeping our attention on him. He especially gets bossy when we are doing something with Gracie. He gets really mad if we stop what we are doing with him to go do something with Gracie. The yelling becomes even louder and his demands are said even more when that happens.
He’s also become very impatient. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And this week he has let us know. His favorite word at the moment? NOW. “NOW, PLEASE!” “NOW, MOM!” “NOW, DAD!” “NOW FOR BEANIE!” Now, now, now. And if we happen to be doing something that means we can’t get to him at that exact moment, the chanting for NOW becomes even louder. For this, we think this is something we actually CAN teach him. Patience is hard to understand and even harder to teach, but we are starting by teaching him to wait. If we are talking and he starts yelling for something, we tell him nicely, “You have to wait, Bean,” and we hold one finger up in the air, hoping that some kind of sign language will help him understand faster.
A friend of mine gave me great advice one time. She said that if you ask the baby sometimes to wait when she is crying, it shows Bean that everyone has to wait, not just him. So, sometimes when Gracie is crying and we are doing something with Bean, we say loudly, “You have to wait, Gracie,” and we quickly finish what we are doing before going over to Gracie. This shows Bean that Gracie is no different or more important than him. Isn’t that great, practical advice? My friend is going to make a great mom one day…
Both of these new changes in Bean might be related to Gracie, but being demanding and impatient are sort of trademarks of toddlers everywhere. Whether they have new sisters or not. The last change we’ve seen in Bean though is directly related to Gracie. If Bean sees us doing something with Gracie that takes up our attention, he instantly comes over and says, “Michael’s turn?” This is big at diaper changes. While I’m changing Gracie, Bean always asks, “Michael’s diaper change? Michael’s turn?” Along the same lines, he has started wanting to use all of her baby things. He sits in her bouncer seat, he lays in her Boppy pillow, he cuddles with her blankets. If it’s something that he can actually do – like get a diaper change – we go ahead and do it and say that, yes, it is Michael’s turn. But when he’s trying to use the baby things, we tell him that those are for babies and that Beanie is a big boy and then we go find big boy things to use – like a chair or his own pillow. We don’t ever tell him he can’t use Gracie’s things, but we try to redirect and discourage, making sure he knows the difference between being a baby and a big boy.
Overall, I think Bean’s reacting pretty normally and he isn’t showing any signs that send off red flags to me. What his reactions are doing though are making Chris and I scratch our heads about how to deal with them. For the first two issues – yelling and being demanding and the impatience – we aren’t sure if we should use normal discipline like we usually would or if we should let some of the things go because he’s adjusting to Gracie. For example, when he doesn’t get a response from us right away, Bean will sometimes throw a toy or swat at us. We sternly tell him no and explain in one sentence or two that we don’t behave that way, but we haven’t used time out or even been too consistent with that correction. Honestly, I think it’s because we both feel guilty. We feel bad that Bean’s going through this adjustment period and so we’re letting some things slide. But deep down, I think both Chris and I know that we shouldn’t let things slide right now because they are only going to get worse.
So, I’m asking you, dear imaginary friends. When your child was going through an adjustment (specifically to a new sibling), were you are strict on behavior as you normally were or did you let some things slide because you knew there was a reason for the behavior? Do we stick to our normal discipline routine or do we cut him some slack for a while? What say you, dear imaginary friends?
04Apr
Just like we did with Bean, we are keeping Gracie in our room at night in a bassinet until she’s a little bigger. I’m sure she’d be fine, really, to sleep in her crib. In fact, I put her in there for naps during the day already. But at night, I have two main reasons for keeping her so close. First, she’s sleeping in three to four hour stretches and I am not just comfortable yet leaving her by herself for that long. Maybe I’m just a weenie. Secondly and selfishly, I don’t want to have to get up in the middle of the night and go very far for feedings and diaper changes.
Like with Bean, we have solved this little problem with the Mini-Nursery. I say that like it’s something we invented. It’s really just common sense and I’m sure tons of people use this same concept already. We basically set up a mini-version of a full nursery in our bedroom.
(Excuse our bedroom. It’s always the last room to be decorated, straightened, and cleaned…)
What’s in your mini-nursery will vary by preference, but let me show you what we’ve stocked in ours.
First, we have the bassinet right next to my side of the bed. Like, RIGHT next to it. That way, I can just lean over and peer in at night when she’s making weird noises and I don’t have to get up to check on her.
The next critical thing is the rocking chair. With Bean, we put our actual rocking chair in my bedroom because we didn’t have room in his nursery and it ended up being really nice to have it right there in the middle of the night. With Gracie, we have our real rocking chair (the one that matches our nursery furniture set) in our living room right now because it’s easier to use it during the day out in the common area where I can keep an eye on Bean while I’m rocking Gracie. But I still wanted one in our bedroom for the mini-nursery because that worked so well with Bean. So, I stole a comfy rocking chair from my parent’s house. Now when I get up for feedings in the middle of the night, I just pick up Gracie and go about 2 feet from my bed to the rocking chair.
We also have a diaper changing station in our mini-nursery. We cleaned off the top of our dresser and laid down a few beach towels. Then, I brought in one of Bean’s old diaper caddies with the necessary supplies. It’s not attractive, but it does the job at 3:00am.
The best thing that I’d recommend for anyone with a baby sleeping in their room is a little lamp. We tried a nightlight, but it didn’t give off enough light. So instead, we use this little lamp. It uses one of those small little light bulbs instead of a big one, so it doesn’t give off very much light at all. It is very dim, but just a hair brighter than a nightlight. We actually sleep with this lamp on all night long. It’s dim enough that we can all sleep because it keeps the room pretty dark, but it gives off enough light that I can see in the middle of the night when I get up without turning on a light. This is important with a newborn because you’re supposed to try and keep nighttime feedings dark and quiet so they learn the difference between night and day. With this lamp on all the time, there’s no difference when she wakes up. It’s not like we have to turn on a bright light when we get up.
The last thing that our mini-nursery has that isn’t pictured is a bottle station. If you’re nursing, then, obviously, you don’t need this part. But if you’re bottle feeding, it is super helpful. We keep as many bottles as we’ll need during the night beside my bed already pre-filled with formula powder. Then I fill them through the night as we use them with bottles of water. With Bean, we didn’t do this part. We warmed his bottles, which meant he woke up and screamed for 15 minutes while we heated his bottle. With Gracie we are using room temperature water and it is really so much faster. Gracie wakes up and within a minute or two, I’m rocking her with a bottle.
With our mini-nursery, nighttime feedings take, all total, about 15 or 20 minutes. That includes waking up, making the bottle, feeding and burping Gracie, then rocking her back to sleep. It is incredibly fast, which helps Gracie learn the difference between night and day and it helps Chris and I get more sleep – which is important because Bean Man wakes up at 7:00am on the dot, whether we’ve been up all night or not.
If you have a newborn or are expecting one, try using a mini-nursery at night to help make things a little easier for you. They aren’t cute and they aren’t exactly what you want to show off to your friends, but they are really practical and helpful.
If I could have chosen the smoothest transition possible for Bean and Gracie, it would have been exactly what’s been happening in our house right now. Bean seems to have been born to be a big brother. He isn’t infatuated with Gracie, but he has a good, healthy interest in her. For the most part, he’s going about his day like normal. He’s playing with his toys, reading his books, hanging with me and Chris, but whenever something is happening with Grace, he’s right there by our sides to help.
We got Bean a stool to use in Gracie’s room. He can drag it over to the changing table and help there or he can drag it over to the crib so he can see her when she’s sleeping (though she isn’t sleeping in her crib yet). He really loves being able to see everything.
But his favorite part about Gracie is whenever he gets to help. He likes to bring me bottles or burp cloths or throw away diapers. He helps me pick out her outfits and he gets to choose which blanket we wrap her in. We try to let Bean make the decisions when it comes to Gracie as much as possible. It makes him feel like he’s part of what’s going on and he loves all the new things he gets to do since her arrival.
We have to sort of watch though because Bean is still a pretty little, rough dude. Sometimes when he gets really excited he also gets really rough. Balls fly, cheeks are violently kissed, and arms flail around wildly. It’s all out of happiness and excitement, but around a newborn it can be a teeny bit dangerous. Specifically the golf ball thing. We are really trying not to get on to Bean as much as possible right now so that he thinks this is all a positive time for us and we especially don’t want to turn these episodes into big issues because he really does mean well. So, instead of getting on to him, we just try to remove him from the situation when we see him start to get overly excited. Chris might take him outside for a while or we might send him off to find something in his room for a while. Then, he can be silly and rough and excited and we’re all still happy and proud of him, but he’s not…you know…threatening Gracie’s life.
Those times though are pretty rare and have only happened a few times in the past couple days. For the most part, Bean is an excellent big brother. Yesterday, he took a big step and SHARED MR. BEAR WITH GRACIE!
I couldn’t have asked for a better transition for Bean and Gracie. She seems to really like him and responds to his voice when she hears it by turning her head towards him when he talks. And Bean really seems to be in love with her already. He whispers, “It’s okay, Gaycee” when she cries and he runs for a binky whenever he thinks she might need one.
In short? Bean’s awesome. Gracie loves him. And that makes me one happy, proud, blessed Momma.
03Mar
As my due date gets closer and closer (April 4, by the way…), I find myself getting a little sentimental about my Bean Man. I think it’s the idea that soon it won’t just be him anymore. And even though I know in my head I’ll have more than enough love to go around, I worry about how much time I’ll have to go around. Newborns are quite the time suck (no offense, Gracie) and I remember that when Bean was born, it was even hard to balance time between Bean and Chris. And Chris was a grown man who understood what was going on. Bean won’t understand and though I’d like to think I’ll be able to balance two children perfectly, I know that it takes a while to regain your balance when you add something else to your plate. And I’m worried that during that transitional time while I learn to be a mother to two babies, Bean won’t get what he needs from me.
This morning I found myself in an empty house after Chris left for work and I had dropped Bean at daycare. Before I assumed my position on the couch, I wandered into Bean’s room to straighten up from the morning rush. And for the first time in a long time, I walked around touching his things, remembering what fun we’ve had in the past 20 months, and, oddly enough, missing Bean.
I stopped and looked at this picture of me and Bean, taken by our church photographer last Mother’s Day. We had just found our church and I remember sitting in the pew on Mother’s Day morning and hearing our minister talk about the important role a mother plays in the life of her children. He talked about how she is the voice they hear in the back of their minds as they go through life. And I remember praying that God would give me the strength to be strong for Bean so that the voice he heard was confident and steadfast.
I stopped and looked at his little bookshelves, full of his favorite toys and games and books. And I thought about last Christmas and the Christmas before that when Bean got most of those things. I remembered his first Christmas and how he was the same height as his stocking. I remembered this past Christmas when he was a year older and seemed to understand more about what was going on. Christmas was so much better because he was there.
I saw his Curious George and Papa Bear stuffed animals that belonged to Chris when he was Bean’s age. And I smiled as I pictured Bean walking through our house, dragging those two characters at his sides. Since we gave them to him together, he hasn’t separated them. Where Curious George goes, Papa Bear goes. And vice versa. He’s a loyal little creature of habit, that Bean of mine. Just like his Daddy.
I peered into his toy chest and smiled when I saw Nemo on top of the heap. And it made me think about Bean’s first birthday when we took him to Animal Kingdom at Disney World to celebrate with our family. I remember thinking at that time that Bean was such a big boy. I couldn’t imagine him getting any bigger. And I couldn’t imagine loving him any more. I was wrong on both counts.
And as I walked out of his bedroom, I stopped at his dresser for a minute and looked long and hard at our first family picture, taken the day he was born. The happiest day of my life. It was the day we became a family. At the time, I remember telling people that we had Bean because Chris and I loved each other so much it spilled over and made a baby. And, you know, I guess growing our family isn’t much different. Except this time, Gracie was born out of not just the love that Chris and I have for each other, but from the love that we have for Bean. He was a product of Chris and me and Gracie will be the product of the love that grew out of my Bean, out of my Micheal. And when I think about it like that, it doesn’t seem as overwhelming to bring another person into our family. Instead, it just feels like Gracie’s always been here. Right there inside of Bean’s sweet little heart.
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