One of the frustrations about the first trimester of a pregnancy is that no one can tell you are pregnant yet. And everyone knows that without the belly, you aren’t REALLY pregnant… But after some deep self-discovery, I have realized that first trimester pregnant women are actually pretty easy to spot.
How To Spot a First Trimester Pregnant Woman:
1. She’s the one who makes awkward statements to coworkers and strangers like, “My embryo grows ears this week.”
2. She’s the one who believes burping loudly is unavoidable and, therefore, should be socially acceptable.
3. She’s the one who cries at the forwarded emails you send her.
4. She’s the one who sends the memo around her office proposing a management-supported nap time after lunch.
5. She’s the one who refers to her husband as “that bastard who did this to me.”
6. She’s the one who will theaten bodily harm if you block her way to the bathroom.
7. She’s the one who can’t keep anything down but saltines and Snickers.
8. She’s the one who doesn’t sleep at night and walks around disoriented, muttering strange things, then laughing hysterically before breaking into sobs.
9. She’s the one who insists that if you eat the garnish on the plate, a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich satisfies all major food groups.
10. She’s the one who is plastered against the wall of the sushi restaurant, drooling.
11. She’s the one who sips her club soda and lime and tries to look like she’s having as much fun as her dinner partners who are on their 3rd bottle of wine.
12. She’s the one who in the middle of a sentence will suddenly turn green, burp, and then run to the bathroom.
13. She’s the one who cries when she puts on pants in the morning.
14. She’s the one who when you socially ask how she is doing will give you a run down of her physical discomforts, including but not limited to nausea, exhaustion, constipation, insomnia, and the recent pain in her ass formerly known as her husband.
15. She’s the one who looks like a homeless person at work because she can’t seem to drag herself out of bed in time to do things like put on matching earrings or bathe.
16. She’s the one who believes that 1,000 Island salad dressing is an appropriate condiment for any food. Really. Any food.
17. She’s the one who will punch you in the nose if you tell her what she is feeling is natural.
18. She’s the one who takes naps in the bathroom stall at work.
19. She’s the one who would sell her soul for a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
20. She’s the one whose husband looks like he has hasn’t slept for a year and says things like, “Stretchy pants are sexy.”
There are many things about pregnancies that can really shake a good husband up. The irrational mood swings, the hormonal crying, the sickness all the time, the food cravings, the desire to shoot the person who knocked you up as your puking your lunch up. Its not easy on them. In all honesty, Chris is taking it like a champ. He knows just when to hug, just when to go away, just when to reappear, just when to tell me to put my big girl pants on. He has never really fawned all over me (thank goodness!), but with my pregnancy he has become attentive in ways that I never imagined.
So why then do I torture him with questions like “Does this belly band make me look fat?” What do I think the right answer to this question really is anyway? If he says yes, I’ll start to cry because I’m fat. If he says no, I’ll start to cry because I don’t have a baby bump yet. Its a no win situation for him. And yet, I continue to do it to him.
At least once a day, I turn to the side and ask him if I look pregnant. Again, there’s no answer here that will NOT result in tears. But his answer is the worst answer you could possibly give. Every time he says, “You look like you normally do.”
Now, this is a catastrophic answer on so many levels. First, I am getting bigger. I may not look like I’m pregnant yet, but I definitely have more stomach than I’ve ever had before. So the fact that to my husband I have always looked this fat is, well, worthy of a good cry. When he says it, I usually go into a horrible rage, completely with tears and pumping fists.
“So, you think I always look fat? Are you saying that I’ve looked fat the entire 10 years we’ve been together? Are you saying that you married a fat chick?”
And yet the very next day, I turn to the side and ask him the same question.
He’s getting a little better. Now, he denies the existence of any belly at all. When I ask him, he simply says, “I don’t notice anything. You look skinny.”
And I cry again. Because on one hand I want to have a baby bump so badly and on the other hand I don’t want to blow up and get fat and so the use of the word “skinny” reminds me that I will never have a 20 year old body ever again. I’ll be forced to wear Mom Jeans and power walk on the weekends.
And yet, the very next day…  Its a vicious cycle.
Now, he has outsmarted me. I ask if I look fat. He asks what I want him to say. Everybody’s happy. See? I told you he was good at this husband thing.
24Oct
Me:     Do you want a girl or a boy?
Chris: (thinks for a minute) A girl.
Me:     Really?!?! That’s so sweet!
Chris:  Yeah, that way when she’s older, you’ll have to take her to the bathroom.
16Oct
I either have my face in the toilet or I am sleeping. Because apparently THAT is what pregnancy is all about. Don’t believe anything else.
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