15Apr
We’ve had our kids in daycare since they were each about four months old. Our health insurance is provided through my job, and so we can’t really afford for me to stay home. Plus, I like working, and especially teaching. Overall, I really like that our kids are in daycare. I like that their days are active and full of interactions with people and experiences that they wouldn’t get if I were just home with them or if we had them home with a nanny. I like daycare especially for Bean’s age because they have an actual curriculum they teach and he is always coming home with new things he has learned and new stories to tell us.
Gracie is a little different. With toddlers and older kids, I can see a benefit in daycare, but in infants and babies I have a hard time justifying daycare. I love Gracie’s teachers and she does, too, and I know that they love her right back. But I still cringe just a little bit when they say things like, “We got her to drink out of her sippy cup today!” I smile and squeal right along with them, but inside, for just a split second, I think, “Damn. I wish that had been me.” So, the first year or so of daycare is harder for me. But if I had to say I am either for or against daycare, I’d still say that I’m for daycare.
The part of daycare that will never, ever be justifiable to me, though, is the sickness.
(I’d just like to pause and tell anyone who is pregnant and going to have to put their baby in daycare to turn away for a minute here because I’m about to have a bit of a cyber meltdown and I don’t want to scare anyone.)
I try not to blog often about Bean and Gracie’s health. For one thing, it’s one of those privacy lines Chris and I set for our family on the blog and I try to respect that. But for another, health issues for some reason bring out all kinds of meanness in people on blogs, and since I already have a healthy dose of guilt for having my kids in daycare, I’d just prefer not to hear someone else make me feel worse. So, specifics aside, can I just say how awful it is when your kids are sick all the time from daycare?!?!?
We’ve been to three different daycares and they’ve all been the same, so I know it isn’t one facility issue. Gracie has a much stronger immune system than Bean does, so she isn’t so bad. But Bean Man seems to catch whatever goes through his classroom. He has a weak little respiratory system and so when things settle into his chest, it becomes a real problem. He was very sick over the past three weeks, almost to the point of hospitalization, because we couldn’t get his little chest to clear out. He was on breathing treatments through his nebulizer (which we call his “nebby”) every four hours for the past week and that, along with some really strong antibiotics, seems to have kicked it finally. But it has been exhausting for his little body.
Sick kids are never good. When one of my kids are sick, my whole world slows down to a snails pace. Everything else I do is through the fog of knowing “my baby is sick.” It’s exhausting and mentally taxing and I pretty much walk around feeling like I’m doing everything wrong. But when your kids are sick because of daycare, there’s another level of emotion that goes along with sick babies for me. There’s the guilt because I’m the one who put them in daycare. It’s my fault they are sick. And so when they are crying with a fever or coughing in the middle of the night, I not only worry about them being sick or uncomfortable or tired or upset, but in the back of my mind (and usually not so far in the back) there’s also the guilt that I carry that gets heavier and heavier.
On top of the guilt and the sickness itself, there are the logistics that go along with a sick baby when you’re a working parent. Chris and I have both used up all of our time off for the year taking care of sick wee ones. For me, every day I take now is an unpaid day, which we can’t afford. For Chris, his job is a little more flexible, but as a manager in two different positions, he really can’t miss all that often either. So, when someone gets sick, Chris and I get stressed out about having to miss work and we take it out on each other. Because who else are we going to take it out on? The kids? It’s not their fault. It’s not mine or Chris’s fault either, but the frustration has to go somewhere and so we get frustrated with each other. We’re lucky to have family close by now (I really don’t know what we’d do if we were still in Connecticut), but we try not to unload on them too often because it’s over an hour drive to our house one-way from theirs and we feel like we can only ask so much.
The hardest part for me is deciding when to send the kids back to school after they’ve been sick. We need them to go back ASAP so that we can go back to work, but we don’t want to push them back too soon before they are healthy enough. There’s no worse feeling in the world than on your child’s first day back to daycare after an illness and having the daycare call and say they are running a fever again. It literally brings me to tears as I drive to pick them up. How could I have sent them back? What kind of mother am I? I am tearing up just thinking about it, so let’s move on…
Last week at the height of Bean’s illness and at the end of my rope, I stopped by the front desk of my daycare and pulled the sweet manager aside for a minute. “Please tell me,” I pleaded. “Are my kids sick more often than other kids here? I can’t tell if this is just the price of being in daycare or if I’m doing something wrong. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong.” She gave me a hug and told me gently that unfortunately this was just part of daycare. My kids were no sicker than any others, no sicker than her own son even. It was encouraging to hear, but that afternoon when I took Bean back to the doctor for his last breathing check, I asked every nurse who came in and our pediatrician the same question. Was this just my kids? Was I doing something wrong? My pediatrician explained it the best. She said that not only are my kids in daycare, but they are both under three years old, which makes them more susceptible to illness. Add to that how close they are in age and the fact that they play so closely together, which means they are always passing things back and forth, and it’s just a breeding ground for a hot mess.
“But no,” she said. “Your kids are just going through the regular cycles of being in daycare.”
On one hand that relieved me, but on the other hand I felt even worse because the next day I was going to be sending my kids back into the jungle (cue the guilt). But that night around 2am, Bean spiked another fever (cue the guilt) and we had to figure out who was going to stay home with him again (cue the frustration and argument).
See how that works? It’s awful!
I realize that reading this, many of you are probably thinking that if I’m this upset about it, then I should figure out how to keep my kids out of daycare already! But as bad as this sounds, it really isn’t like this all the time. We’re just coming out of a couple months here of sickness and my frustrations are at a peak at the moment. It’s times like these low points when I pacify myself by praying prayers of gratitude that the Good Lord saw what I couldn’t when he left me unemployed two years ago so that I had to switch careers and become a teacher, and now I have summers off with my kids. Summer is just around the corner and I can’t wait to keep my kids home and healthy for a few months, and I know that when it’s time for me to go back to school, we’ll all be glad that the kids are going back to school as well. They’ll miss their friends and their teachers, and I’ll miss my students and my paychecks!
But for now, I’m just in that place of parenthood where I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.
So. That’s that.
And now, I’m going to sneak into my kids’ rooms, make sure their feet are all under the covers, and give them little butterfly kisses without waking them up. And then I’m going to go downstairs and pack my lunch, Gracie’s diaper bag, and Bean’s backpack for tomorrow. Because it’s Monday morning for a working parent family.
19Sep
Last week, Gracie had a runny nose. Within two days, she had spread that runny nose to Bean, who then took on multiple cold symptoms – runny nose, cough, low fevers. At that point, Gracie was feeling much better. But then the weekend hit and as Bean and Gracie spent more time together, their cold germs were shared again. By Saturday morning, both of them were hot, sweaty, sticky, snotty messes.
Poor pumpkins.
We took it easy this weekend to let the kids recover, but I was reminded for the 1,000th time that nursing little kids back to good health is tough. As sick as they are, neither of my kids seems to be aware of the fact that they don’t feel good.
Neither of them is sleeping good at night right now. Between stuffy noses and little fevers and teething (Gracie’s getting one more tooth and Bean’s cutting his 2 year molars), they have been waking up throughout the night for the past few nights. Which means, during the day they are tired and cranky. For Gracie, we’ve been letting her sleep as much as she wants during the day, instead of limiting her nap times to under 2 hours like we normally do. For Bean, we’ve been doing a lot of football watching because it’s just about the only thing that keeps him sitting still for any period of time. He’s such a good sports commentator! He cheers and yells and says, “Oh, man!” when they miss a field goal.
You know, I really think it’s the parent’s responsibility to limit their child’s activity when they are sick.
I just don’t understand those irresponsible parents who let their children run wild when they are supposed to be getting over an illness.
If you ask me, bed rest and fluids are the only way to go when you’re nursing your children back to health.
Yes, sir. We take sickness around this house very seriously. Very. Seriously.
*****
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07Feb
From the time Bean was born, he’s had a special connection with Chris. It’s a tight bond that the two of them share. Bean knows it. Chris knows it. I know it.
When he was a newborn, I was convinced that their bond was so strong because I hadn’t nursed Bean and so he attached to Chris. But as Bean gets older, I’m becoming more and more certain that the father/son bond would have been this strong between the two of them whether I was in the picture or not.
On most days, their relationship makes my heart sing. Seeing Chris not just as a dad, but as a dad who truly loves being a dad is a side of him that makes me fall even more in love with him every day. Bean is an extension of me and so by loving him so completely, he’s loving me, too. It’s a really private, special feeling I have when I see Chris and Bean playing and laughing and enjoying being together.
Truthfully though, sometimes I am envious of their relationship. Like when we’re at the beach and I spend 15 minutes putting sunscreen on Bean, another 10 minutes wrestling him into protective sun wear, another 15 minutes digging sand out of his hair, and then Chris gets to do the fun stuff like play in the water with him because by that point Bean is completely over me. Or like when we’re going outside to play in the backyard and I am so caught up in baby gates and pool alarms and running near the edge of the pool that Bean would rather spend his time with Chris who lets him throw baseballs and hit golf balls and chase the dogs with sticks.
But the longer I’m a mom, the more I understand the important balance of a mom and a dad. It can’t be all precautions and safety goggles all the time. Just like it can’t be all fun and games all the time. And while I’m glad that we seem to switch up our roles every now and then, for the most part I value that dynamic in our roles as parents.
But parental balance and bonds all go out the window when Bean is sick.
It’s not that Chris isn’t just as apt to cool a fever or calm an upset tummy. He’s Dr. Dad when Bean’s sick. But it’s Mom who gives the best cuddles, rubs little tummies, and kisses feverish cheeks.
It’s Mom who brings out the smiles and finds the fun in medicine droppers and cool washcloths on hot heads.
And while Chris is never far in these situations and his hugs and kisses soothe even the worst chest cold or tummy bug, I admit that I do love hearing my name called in the middle of the night when Bean is sick. And I do love those little arms around my neck when he’s hot with a fever or cool with the chills. Those times are my time. That’s when I’m the only one who can make it better.
And the feeling I get when I know just what to do to make him feel better, the feeling I get when that fever breaks and he laughs for the first time since he first became sick, the feeling I get when he finally feels better and he holds his hands up to me and says, “Momma, hug,”
Well, that’s the feeling of motherhood. And there’s nothing else in the world like it.
(First, I am not a doctor. I am not trained in the medical profession at all, except for that one summer in college when I worked as a receptionist in Chris’ uncle’s surgical office. But all I learned then about the medical profession was not to double-book appointments. Any time your child is running a fever, please consult your pediatrician. Then your mom. Then your best friend. Then your best friend’s mom. Then Google. Basically, talk to someone in real life. These are just tips to use in addition to what the professionals tell you. The end.)
In our house this week, we are all sick. Bean has a respiratory infection. I have something like the flu. And Chris has a terrible head cold. After an emergency clinic trip yesterday morning and a late night ER trip last night, it’s been fun. Fortunately though, I think we’re all on the mend thanks to some strong prescriptions, freakish-like patrolling of our scheduled medicinal intake by Chris, and vegetable soup from my Mom.
One thing I had forgotten until this past weekend was how incredibly scary fevers are in little kids. On Friday night, Bean’s shot up to 104 and stayed there for several hours. He’s only had a fever that high once or twice before and it’s easy to forget how very helpless you can feel when your child is that sick. But there are a few things you CAN do to help control the situation a bit and this weekend I found them particularly helpful. Keep in mind, these are not medical treatments for an illness and you still need to consult your pediatrician about your child’s fever. These are more like home remedies that help Bean feel more comfortable when he’s got a high fever.
Pay attention to the type of fever that your child is having. I don’t know about your child, but Bean’s default mechanism for anything (teething, a head cold, over-tiredness, etc.) is to run a low-grade fever. He runs them fairly often actually. But those fevers are warm to the touch and usually hover around 99 degrees, though they may come up to 100 at night. With that particular type of fever, Bean doesn’t miss a beat. He’s still playing and having a good time. He might be a little ornery, but that’s usually because of whatever is giving him the fever and not the fever itself. Generally speaking, with that type of fever, we give him a little Motrin and then move on about our day.
The other kind of fever Bean runs stops all household activity. It’s the one that he ran this past weekend. And, trust me, you’ll know this kind of fever when it happens to your child. It’s the kind that makes him cry – a lot. A terrible, pathetic little wimper that at the peak of the fever becomes a screaming cry that makes you want to cry yourself. But you can’t. Because you’ve got to take care of this fever. This kind of fever indicates something is really wrong, not just a head cold or teething. This is the kind of fever that I call my doctor about in the middle of the night. This is the kind of fever you watch the clock for and make sure it starts to fall within a certain amount of time. This is the kind of fever that keeps you up all night, rocking your wee one with a cool washcloth on his head. DON’T IGNORE THIS KIND OF FEVER.
So, be sure you pay attention to your child’s temperature when he’s well, as well as when he’s fussy or mildly ill. Knowing their temperature patterns makes it a lot easier to recognize when something is different and needs medical attention.
Don’t be afraid to call the doctor. I hate calling the doctor after hours. Especially in the middle of the night. I worry about it for half an hour before I actually do it. Can it wait? Is it really something I can’t handle myself? Have I tried everything I can? But when it comes down to it, I usually go with my maternal instincts. If I am really worried about something, I’m going to end up calling. Even if it’s just to hear the doctor tell me in his sleepy, none-too-happy voice that everything is fine and it can wait until morning. That piece of mind is worth a phone call to me. Generally though, I have three rules for myself that I follow before calling the doctor after hours. First, the fever must be 104 or above because that’s Bean’s rare fever. That’s the temperature that tells me something is really wrong. So, if we hit that fever in MY CHILD, I know that I need some help from a professional. Secondly, I make sure I have tried everything I can to bring down the fever on my own. I know he’s going to ask if we’ve tried all these things (which I’ll talk about in a minute), so I go ahead and do them AND THEN GIVE THEM TIME TO KICK IN before I call. That way, when I’m talking to the doctor, I feel 100% certain that this is my last resort. And finally, I check my watch. If Bean’s fever hasn’t responded to Mortin or Tylenol in a reasonable time (which is several doses and hours), then I call the doctor. If those three things are good to go, then I don’t feel as bad about calling. Plus, I think about how much stinkin’ money we pay to have them give those stupid little vaccinations and I think, “They can handle a phone call…”
Use a pain reliever. Now, for this one, you definitely need to consult a pediatrician because medication type and dosage amounts vary from child to child. But know how much, how often, and what pain reliever to give your child BEFORE they get sick. Chris and I are not health nuts, but we really try to avoid medications as often as possible, especially with Bean. If there’s another way to make him feel better that’s a little more natural, then we try that first. But fevers are an exception. We use Motrin or Tylenol to treat a fever. We use both because sometimes Bean responds better to one than the other. Our doctor says we should alternate them when he’s sick, but usually I stick with one until it doesn’t seem to be working well and then I switch to the other. The point though is that you know what your child responds to the best BEFORE it’s a really serious situation and it leaves you guessing in the middle of the night as to what to give him.
Have a routine and stick to it as much as possible. When Bean spikes an unusually high fever, my head becomes mush. All I see is the crying and the moaning and how pitiful he looks and it’s easy to become a big pile of mush that just wants to rock him in the rocking chair. And there will be time for that rocking. But first, I have to take action to bring that fever down. I have found that a sick routine helps me in the middle of the night because it’s the same thing I do every time and so it doesn’t require too much on-the-spot thinking. When Bean’s sick, we just go into action and start with our established routine. Every family’s routine is probably different (and should be, to cater to the needs of your own child), but for Bean, here’s a step-by-step of what we do.
- Bean wakes up in the middle of the night with a very high fever.
- Chris and I both get up together and head into his nursery. We try not to turn on too many lights or be too loud because the point is to eventually get him back to sleep after all this, so we want to keep him as dream-like as possible. And we definitely try not to panic. That’s why we both go in there. It’s less scary when there’s someone with you and you can stop in the middle and whisper things like, “WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!?” and having someone to respond back, “I have no idea, but keep doing it!” makes all the difference in the world. It is for this reason (along with a million others) that I have such respect for single-parents. I have no idea how they do it.)
- I take Bean out of his crib and begin undressing him. We change his jammies for a couple reasons. First, it gives him a chance to feel some cool air without jammies on. Also, it might be that the jammies are what’s making him just a little hotter and when you’re dealing with a high fever, every degree counts. Lastly, when you’re sick, it just feels good to put on fresh jammies, doesn’t it? I can remember my mom changing mine when I was sick and feeling clean, cool clothes on my hot body used to feel so good. So, I change his clothes and usually put him into something cooler. We do keep him in clothes though because we worry that the sudden change in body temperature might bother him even more (I think we learned that from Bear Gryllis…don’t judge…). So, even if we just throw a t-shirt on with his diaper, we still keep some kind of clothing on him.
- While I’m changing him, Chris goes to get the medicine and he gives Bean whatever it is time to take.
- With Bean a little more comfortable in his clean, cool jammies and having taken a fresh round of medicine, we start cool compresses. This part is getting harder the older he gets, but it is so effective for Bean. We put a cold wash cloth on his face, his neck, and his back. Just a little something to cool him down.
- If the fever is really high, our next step is a popsicle. I keep a box of junior sized popsicles in our freezer for hot summer days and for hot, feverish nights. Not only does it instantly start working to bring down that internal temperature, but it usually distracts or calms Bean down enough so that we can continue with the cold wash clothes without him getting too agitated. For the popsicle, I sit in the rocking chair with him and hold the popsicle while he gnaws on it and Chris holds the wash cloths to him.
- After the popsicle (usually not the whole thing…), we keep rocking Bean right there until he either calms down enough to lay in his crib or he falls asleep.
- If neither of those things happen and if his fever is still alarmingly high, we might try a cool bath. Not a freezing bath, but a cool bath. And Bean HATES this part. We really don’t do this one unless it’s been HOURS with a very high fever. We run a cool bath, sit Bean in it and run a wet, cold wash cloth over him for about 10 minutes. Then we dry him off, put him in clean jammies, and snuggle with him in the rocking chair. Of course, this all sounds easy, but keep in mind Bean’s pissed and screaming bloody murder through this process. But the point is not to make him happy, the point is to bring down that fever.
- Once we try all these steps, we put Bean back in his crib and let him sleep for another couple hours. If in that time his fever doesn’t come down or his condition doesn’t improve, then we call our pediatrician.
Remember that crying is just a communication tool. It is easy in the middle of the night to become frazzled or hyped up because of the crying. Bean is a big crier when his fever is high and as much as I use that crying to tell me how bad the situation really is (he has certain cries when he’s just uncomfortable and certain cries when he’s really, really sick), I try to remember that the crying is just Bean’s communication tool. It’s the only way for him to tell me what is wrong. The fever itself is also a communication tool. Until it gets up to the 105-108 range, the fever is not what is dangerous. It is just the alarm that tells you something is wrong. So, try not to panic or get overly worked up when the crying is loud and constant. Be sympathetic and snuggly and do what you can to make them feel better, but remember the goal is not to make your child happier, it’s to make them healthier. And sometimes, that might mean they’ll have to cry through something they don’t want to do (like a cool bath or a cold wash cloth) but the point is to lower that darn fever. So, put everything else aside and make that your goal.
As much as possible, try to keep your child in their own crib. This one will vary from family to family, so it might not apply to your child. When I was growing up, when you were sick, you got to sleep with my mom and dad. I remember that very distinctly. With Bean though, he just doesn’t sleep well with us. He doesn’t like to be cuddled when he sleeps and so as much as he (and Me!) might like the idea of snuggling in my bed until he feels better, what he really needs is a good night’s sleep. And, for Bean, that comes in his own crib. Plus, it’s cooler in there than in the big bed with all the covers and two other people’s body heat. So, we try to keep him in his own room and his own bed when he’s sick. (Though, I have been known to try bringing him into our bed when I’m too tired to sit up with him, but that never goes well for anyone…)
You get more confident as your child grows up, but it scares us all. When Bean was little bity and he had this kind of fever, it would scare me to no end. I was frantic with worry. Now, after a couple of these episodes under my belt…well…it still makes me frantic and scared. But at least I have a better understanding of what to do now. So, if you’re a new parent, cut yourself some slack – call your doctor more if you need to, call your mom in the middle of the night, do whatever you need to get through it because when your baby is really little, first it can be more dangerous to them, but secondly, you don’t have any background yet to help you get through it. You can’t tell yourself, “Well, the LAST time this happened…” So, don’t worry about steps or routines or whatever. Do what you need to do until you can begin to see patterns of sick behavior in your child – and that takes time. But even for veteran moms (…of only 18 months…), it is still scary. But as moms and dads, you just have to push past the scary and take action. It’s the difference between a parent and anybody else. Parents take action. Be scared – that’s a good thing! It’ll keep you working and trying different things. But you have to get to the next level of taking action after the fear has come. It’s what your child needs the most from you.
There are a hundred different ways to cool a fever. These are just the ones that have worked in the past at my house and for Bean. I’m sure when Gracie comes along, she’ll have her own set of needs and may require her own little fever routine. Just try things out and see what works best for your child and your family.
What about you? What tricks do you use or have you used to cool a midnight fever in your house?
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