The Bean | Marriage Confessions The Bean | Laugh. Fight. Stay Married.

A few weeks ago, I had a bug bite on my leg and Bean saw me scratching it.

“It’s a bug bite,” I told him.

Now, Bean thinks everything that itches is a bug. He’ll be rubbing his eye and announce, ” ‘s a bug.” Or, he’ll scratch his ear and complain, ” ‘s a bug, Mom.” Then, the other day, we were in Target (naturally…) and Bean was scratching his head and he yells out, “It’s bugs, Mom!” The women in the aisle where we were standing gave me this grossed out look and quickly walked away from the kid with bugs in his hair.

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The other night in the bathtub, Gracie tooted and bubbles came up in the water. She sat there for a minute and then looked at me and giggled. Girlfriend is going to fit in just fine around our house…

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Bean has become obsessed with boo-boo’s. He thinks he gets them all the time. What he is really after, though, are the Cars 2 Bandaids that he gets when he has a boo-boo. The other day we were at the splash park and Bean got into the box of Bandaids I carry in my diaper bag. He proceeded to put about 10 Bandaids all over his legs. Later that day, we were at the grocery store and he started peeling the Bandaids off his legs and offering them to people as they walked by us. Mortifying doesn’t even describe it. I need a new word to describe how embarrassing it is when your two-year-old son offers used Bandaids to strangers.

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When Bean is using the potty, I sit Gracie in her Bumbo seat on the bathroom floor so she can hang with us (sometimes we’re in there a while…). This morning, Lucy walked into the bathroom and stood about a foot away from Gracie. Because Lucy is so short, she was just at Gracie’s sight line and it was the first time that Gracie got a good, long look at Lucy. What Gracie was really fascinated with was Lucy’s tail. It was wagging right in front of her. Suddenly, Gracie lunged forward and grabbed at it – and caught it! Lucy didn’t know what to do and neither did Gracie. She just sat there staring at Lucy, holding on to her tail, not sure what was going on. Finally, I had to pry her fat, little hands off so Lucy could be free.

In Lucy’s world, you get ONE freebe. That was Gracie’s. Next time, the gloves are off.

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On Saturday when I took Bean and Gracie up to the festival at Chris’s work, I decided to make this our first outing in big boy underwear. Bean was super excited and I made a big deal about it, too. I was really worried about the car ride to the theater, which was a half hour drive. I kept telling Bean in the car not to go pee pee on Mr. Incredible and to wait until we got to Daddy’s office. When we parked at the theater, I was so proud of him for not having an accident and so I went on and on as we walked up to find Chris about what a big boy he was for having dry underwear. Bean got so swept up in all this underwear talking, that when he saw Chris, he yelled out, “DADDY! DRY UNDERWEAR!” and right there in the middle of the festival, he pulled his pants down to show Chris his dry underwear. I quickly pulled his pants up, but not that didn’t stop Bean from beaming with pride in his dry Mr. Incredible underwear.

27 comments | posted in Gracie Girl, Sweet Bean, Sweet Gracie, The Bean, The Romper Room | tags: babies, Family, humor, toddlers

This Sunday after church, we picked Bean up from his Sunday School room like we do every week. Then, he walked with us down to the nursery to get Gracie, like he does every week.

While we were loading Gracie up in her carrier, Bean was messing around with some of the toys, checking through things to make sure Gracie didn’t get anything more fun than he had in his classroom. When I turned around to get him so we could leave, he was holding a Lightning McQueen car. It was the same car that we had at home, so I thought maybe it was ours. But I didn’t remember him bringing it to church that morning. Though, maybe I had just overlooked it in the morning shuffle. So, we all headed out to the car, Bean happily toting his Lightning McQueen car.

When we got to the new house later that afternoon to finish scraping wallpaper, Bean squealed as he discovered he now had TWO Lightning McQueen cars! One was ours and one, of course, belonged to the church.

“Daddy! TWO Lightning McQueens!” he shouted.

“No, buddy. We can’t be happy about that,” said Chris very seriously. “Because you stole from Jesus.”

Nice, Chris. Real nice.

31 comments | posted in Family, Fun with Dad, Sweet Bean, The Bean, The Romper Room | tags: church, humor, parenting, toddlers

This is Bean.

He’s learning to dress himself. Well, let me be more specific. He’s learning how to UNdress himself.

He walks around half dressed now, like a little hillbilly. But it’s not the hillbilly part that I’d like to talk about today. It’s the headstrong part. Bean has become so darn hardheaded and headstrong in the past couple weeks that living with him is like living with a demanding foreigner because I can’t actually understand what he wants most of the time. It’s just a lot of yelling and pouting and screaming, “PLEASSSSSE!” over and over again.

He does not seem to grasp the concept behind manners yet. Instead, he thinks “please” is just the word you say to demand something.

But it’s not the yelling that is driving me crazy, it’s the whining! Always with the whining! In the car, it’s constant whining because he wants a snack or juice or his binky or a four course French meal…who the crap knows. At home, it’s constant whining about anything. A toy that is stuck somewhere, something is taken away from him, play time is interrupted for dinner, bath time is over, it’s time for bed – anything. Everything. It’s all going to be whined about.

AND I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!

I don’t want to back down because I know this is just another way he is testing his limits right now, but I swear sometimes as I’m saying no for the 5,000th time, I really think, “Oh, who the heck cares? Eat the dog food. Whatever.”

But I’m trying not to back down. Unfortunately, my patience is wearing thin and at the end of a long day at work with a belly full o’ baby, the last thing I feel like doing is reasoning with an unreasonable baby.

So, tell me, O Wise Imaginary Friends, is this just me? Is it Bean? Is this his age? A phase? Or should I just sell him on eBay?

32 comments | posted in About Beanie, Angry Bean, Growing Bean, parenting, The Bean, The Romper Room | tags:

If you’re standing in the grocery store line and you see plastic Halloween pumpkins for 99 cents, you’ll probably decide to pick up a little treat for your Bean.

And since the grocery store line is moving slower than a slug, you’ll probably go ahead and give the pumpkin to your Bean so he can entertain himself for a little while.

When you get out to the parking lot and you begin to unload your groceries, your Bean will still have the pumpkin but will suddenly decide he is done playing with it for now and so he will chunk it out the open car window where the pumpkin will roll up under your car.

And since you are on a budget and don’t want to waste even 99 cents, it will seem like the right thing to do to crawl on all fours up under your car to try to find the stupid pumpkin.

Only, because you are three months pregnant and already look like you’ve swallowed a watermelon or two, you won’t quite fit up underneath your car.Â Which is okay because the gosh darn pumpkin has rolled into that exact location that makes it impossible to reach from any side of the car.

So, you’ll get back on your feet and continue unloading your groceries while lecturing your 16-month-old son on the value of a dollar and the importance in not senselessly throwing away valuables.Â Like plastic 99 cent pumpkins.

And you’ll also notice the impatient elderly woman in the Buick waiting with her blinker on for your parking space.Â Not the four empty parking spaces around you.Â She only wants YOUR parking space.Â And she is drumming her fingertips on her steering wheel, indicating her frustration at how long it is taking you to crawl around up under your car and load your groceries.

Also, at this point your son will notice his new toy is missing and will begin wailing, “P’kin!Â P’kin!Â P’kin!”

When your groceries are loaded and your Bean is securely in his seat, still wailing, you’ll back out of the parking spot halfway with the intent of exposing the plastic pumpkin so that you can jump out and save your 99 cents.Â Only, you’ll hear an unexpected crunch.Â And then you’ll stop the car.Â Which will cause the ornery, elderly woman to begin laying on her horn.Â This will lead to your son raising his voice so that his pleas can be heard above the noise, “P’KIN!Â P’KIN!Â P’KIN!”

So, you’ll put the car in park and jump out, ignoring the old bat who is now yelling at you through her open window, and you’ll pick up the plastic 99 cent pumpkin and you’ll yell out over the screaming old lady and your wailing son, “KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON, LADY!Â YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO WAIT FOR THIS EXACT PARKING SPOT!”

Then you’ll get back in your car and at the sight of the smashed pumpkin, your son will begin weeping uncontrollably and the only thing you’ll be able to understand is the occasional mutter of, “P’kin…P’kin…” in his little cries.

So, your heart will melt and your ears will become deaf to the multiple horns honking at you now for blocking the entire aisle in the Walmart parking lot and you will start popping the dented, bent pumpkin back into place before handing him to your inconsolable son who, upon having his “p’kin” back, will stop crying and whose eyes will light up and whose huge smile will spread across his face.

And then you’ll put your car in drive and you’ll finally pull out of the parking lot.Â And your son will think you are a super hero.

The End.

30 comments | posted in holidays, Marriage Confessions, Out and About, parenting, The Bean | tags: Family, Halloween, humor, life, parenting