07Feb
A couple years ago, I bought Chris a Garmin Nuvi GPS for Christmas. He named her Garmin and they fell instantly in love. She spoke sweetly and yet assertively to him. She gave him direction in his aimless life. They forged new paths down new roads together. They got lost and then found themselves together. It was true love.
Garmin, however, hated me. She hated me with all of her electronic being. I was, of course, the other woman. She might try to lead Chris down many other paths, but “Home” was always on his favorites list. And Garmin blamed me. Consequently, she never worked for me. She was always claiming she couldn’t find my location when I was, clearly, in an easy place to find. And she was always leading me down dark roads and telling me my destination was on my left.
It never was.
But I never complained to Garmin or to Chris. I knew their love was special. A place where I didn’t belong. And so I kept those feelings to myself.
But today, I got to see the inner workings of Chris’ relationship with Garmin and, I have to say, it wasn’t so pretty. For one thing, Chris talks so terribly to Garmin. So, so terribly. Its like he knows just what buttons to push to get her all worked up.
I remember when their relationship was fresh and new, Chris did anything that Garmin asked of him.
“Turn left on College,” Garmin would say.
“Okay, Garmin!” Chris would chime and off they rode into the sunset.
But today I noticed a difference in Chris’ tone. He was frustrated with Garmin.
“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said.
“No, Garmin! I don’t want to go that way!” Chris would yell. And he would instead take a right, leaving Garmin to recalculate their relationship.
“Recalculating, recalculating,” she would stammer, like a dog shoved aside. “Recalculating.”
And then, not being one to give up on love, Garmin would try again.
“Turn left on 63rd Street.”
“I said NO, Garmin! I don’t want to go that way!” Chris shouted. “Why are you always making me do things YOUR way? You’re so selfish!”
And again, Garmin was left to recalculate the direction their relationship was going.
“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said, weary, but willing to give this 100% of her effort.
“DAMMIT, GARMIN!” shouted Chris. “QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!”
And with that, Chris put Garmin in time out in the glove box of the car.
I can’t be positive, but I think I heard Garmin’s muffled, digital, little voice whisper, “Recalculating.”
With Garmin out of site, Chris’ true intentions were revealed when he pulled a….a….a…iPhone out of his pocket!!! Oh, no!
Oh, yes!
Chris was being unfaithful to Garmin and she was merely a few feet away from him, recalculating her love and worth inside that glove box. There he sat. Using the GPS on his iPhone. Like a bastard.
They’re all bastards, Garmin.
I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched my husband shove aside his electronic mistress so thoughtlessly, “Could that have been me? Could he have so easily shoved me in a glove box? An extra large glove box in an extra large car?” These are the thoughts that no wife ever wants to think about for too long.
Fortunately for me, I don’t have to think about them for too long. Chris has a terrible sense of direction and I know that he’d be lost without me.
24Jan
Last Thursday, Chris left to visit Florida on business. It was the first time he’d been away since Bean was born. He called me about every hour, just to see what we were doing.
“We’re eating peas and missing you.”
“We’re chewing on our socks and missing you.”
“We’re taking a morning nap and missing you.”
It was really sweet at first, but then it got a little annoying. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I loved hanging with Bean Man and we actually had a lot of fun together. But a play by play with a seven month old baby isn’t exactly what I’d call interesting. By Saturday afternoon, my answers were more like,
“We’re changing this chunky, nasty diaper. When are you coming home?”
“We’re cleaning drool off of Molly’s tail. When are you coming home again?”
“We’re scraping applesauce off the ceiling fan. Come home. Now.”
When I crawled into bed on Saturday night, I was exhausted and couldn’t wait for Sunday afternoon when Chris’ plane landed. Bean Man and I had played until we both couldn’t keep our eyes open. I called Chris to say goodnight and was happy to find he was driving back to his sister’s house, where he was staying. He had about a 20 minute drive to his sister’s and that was just enough time to talk about our days. Talking to him on the phone at night always reminds me of college. We dated long distance all four years and I don’t remember a night when I didn’t talk to him just as I drifted off to sleep.
Just as I was about to tell Chris goodnight, Big Molly suddenly jumped up and ran downstairs, barking. It was about 11:00 at night and very unlike her to go crazy like that. But then I heard it.
A car door opened and closed. And it sounded really close.
“Chris,” I whispered. “It sounds like someone is in the driveway.”
“Are you sure? It might just be the neighbors.”
But then I heard the back glass door open. And Molly started barking even louder and more ferociously. And then I heard someone jiggling the doorknob. So, I did the only logical think I could think to do. I yelled into the phone, “Someone is opening the backdoor!” and I jumped out of bed and went flying downstairs, yelling like a crazy person.
“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” I yelled. “I’M CALLING THE POLICE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
I mean, I was loud and I was pissed.
When I got downstairs to the backdoor in our kitchen, there was Chris. With his cell phone up to his ear. Laughing at me.
I was half asleep and ready to rip someone’s head off if they tried to break into my house and the unexpected sight of Chris standing in our kitchen confused the hell out of me. It was the first time in my life I thought that maybe I was actually dreaming.
“Are you here?” I asked.
“I’m here,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “I missed you guys too much, so I came home.”
I have never been more surprised by Chris. Not necessarily because he came in my backdoor at 11:00 that night. But because he missed us so much. Chris and I have always been pretty independent in our relationship. I think that, too, comes from dating long distance for so long. We love having each other around and it makes our lives better, but we can survive without each other for a little while. But since Beanie has been around, I’ve noticed Chris is slightly more of a homebody. He prefers to stay home with Bean than go out most of the time. He prefers to take Bean with us than leave him at home. He calls more when he’s gone. And now, he was coming home early.
The next morning when Bean woke up, he was so excited to see Daddy standing at his crib. He smiled and squealed and hugged and kissed/slobbered on Chris’ cheek.
But I don’t think Chris minded one bit.
It used to be that when Chris called when we were apart, he was calling because he missed me. And it used to be only me who could make his face light up and smile that that.
But there seems to be someone else in his life now that can bring his entire world to a halt. Someone else who can turn his head and change his plans.
You can learn a lot of things standing in your kitchen at 11:00 PM in your pajamas, half asleep, threatening to kill intruders that you happen to be married to.
I learned that if someone were to try to break into my house, they had better be wearing a helmet. I surprised the crap out of myself by how much of an un-weenie I am! I am such a nervous person when I’m in a house by myself usually, but its nice to know that if something were to happen, I wouldn’t cower under my covers. Instead, I’d come out swinging.
Like a bad ass.
I also learned that its important for Chris and I to have time apart. Its important for us both individually because it gives us time to ourselves and time to appreciate and miss each other. And its good for Bean Man to spend time one-on-one with his parents and to get that individual attention.
But more than those things, I think I’ve learned that while being apart is still an important part of our relationship, its the coming home that makes it all worth while.
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20Dec
Yesterday Chris and I went against everything reason told us and we headed to the airport with Bean to fly to Florida for the holidays. After the Great Thanksgiving Travel Debacle of 2009, we were a little hesitant to travel with Bean. The only thing we had going for us was that the past month with him has been FANTASTIC. He’s been in good moods and on a great schedule. We just crossed our fingers and hoped that this translated into a better traveling Bean.
Our flight was scheduled to leave out of Hartford, CT at 1:00 on Saturday. And in case you haven’t been watching the news lately, the entire state of Connecticut was under a blizzard watch all day on Saturday. But our flight was miraculously only an hour before the snow hit, so we just squeaked out. But weather or no weather, there was no mistaking it.
Bean was a rock star.
About an hour before our first flight, we gave him a leeeetle bit of Benedryl. Just enough to help him sleep on the plane. And then about 20 minutes before the flight, we gave him a big ol’ bottle and a fresh diaper. By the time the plane took off, Beaner was out like a fat kid in dodge ball. Snoozing like a champ. He woke up about an hour into the flight and had some juice, played with some toys, talked to this cute little 5-year-old girl who was sitting in front of us, charmed a few flight attendants, and even had time to fill a diaper!
(P.S. Changing a diaper in an airplane bathroom that has no changing station should be an Olympic sport. And if it was, I would have won a gold medal.)
When we arrived three hours later in the Atlanta airport, we had about 3 hours before our next flight. Now, under normal conditions, this would have really irritated me. I hate layovers. But with a baby, that three hour layover is really important. If you are going to spend your day on airplanes, the layover is critical. This three hours was a much needed break for Beanie. We strolled around the airport. Chris and I got a bite to eat. Bean got a mini-sponge bath to make him feel cleaner and happier. We watching planes fly and land. And by the time of our next flight, Bean was ready for his next bottle and a little nap. (We skipped the Benedryl because it was a shorter flight and I wasn’t crazy about giving him Benedryl twice in one day…)
The flight from Atlanta to our hometown in Florida was only an hour and a half. Beanie slept the entire flight. So heavily, in fact, that he slept through landing, as everyone got their luggage from the overhead bins, and even as I carried him out to the car. I mean, he was snoozing. That also meant that when we arrived at Chris’ mom’s house, Bean was rested and ready to hang out for a little while with his Grandmomma.
Today, we all woke up and were rested and ready to go. Bean was baptized this morning at our family church. I’ll post about that tomorrow (or once I find someone with pictures because I didn’t take any!). He was such a good boy. I was so proud.
All in all, traveling this time was so much better. I don’t know if it was Bean’s age or the fact that we flew instead of drove, or if all the stars aligned and it was just a good day. But, for whatever reason, we traveled so much better this time.
I’m looking into a SkyMiles program of infants. I’ll report back.
For those of you who aren’t so into the blogging world, allow me to introduce you to The Pioneer Woman.
Not that she needs any introduction at all.
Photo by Ree Drummond.
The Pioneer Woman is Ree Drummond. She lived in Los Angeles on sushi and wine in three inch heels when she met a cowboy, who she calls Marlboro Man. She married Marlboro Man and moved to his cattle and horse ranch in the middle of Oklahoma. Her blog follows her daily life on the farm raising her four kids, a bunch of cows, a lot of horses, some herbs and flowers, and a basset hound named Charlie. While her life is not extraordinary, her positive view on life and her ability to find the humor in the everyday makes her instantly uplifting and incredibly down to earth.
She’s like the Oprah of the blogging world.
Part of Ree’s blog is a cooking page where she shares mouthwatering recipes, complete with pictures of food that will make you want to stop whatever you are doing and eat. Its her cooking page that seems to be getting the most attention these days (although I am still loyal to her main personal blog myself). From her blog, Ree recently came out with a cookbook full of vivid images of her life on the ranch mixed in with recipes that are heartwarming to read about and belly-filling to feast on.
To buy Ree’s cookbook from Amazon.com, click HERE.
As part of her cookbook signing tour, Ree visited New York on Saturday. We live about an hour and a half outside of Manhattan and so Chris and I packed up the Bean, grabbed my copies (yes, that would be multiple copies…), and headed down to New York to meet THE Pioneer Woman. P-Dub. P-Witty-Ditty. P to the Double Ditty.
So you don’t think that I dragged Chris along, Chris reads PW almost more than I do. He loves her photography page. He loves her cooking page. He loves her main page. And I think he loves her red hair. (And I think he was personally saddened when she recently dyed it a lovely shade of brunette…) So, fear not. I did not drag him. He went willingly. Very, very willingly. Almost too willingly.
But that’s another blog post for another day.
Ree was signing at a bookstore in the Chelsea Market and she was starting at 11:00 AM. I thought we’d roll out of the house around 9:00ish. Apparently Chris had different plans. Which is why at 5:00 AM – before even the Bean cracked his eyeballs open – he was violently pushing me out of bed.
Which is why Bean and I look so happy in this 5:00 AM photo.
Oh, I didn’t mention that? Yeah. Chris was taking pictures at 5:00 AM. Thanks, babe.
By some minor act of God, we actually made it out of the house and to NY in record time, thanks – in no small part – to my mad driving skills in Manhattan.
Okay, so it was also thanks to the fact that Chris got us up so freaking early that there was absolutely no traffic on the roads. In New York City. Chris likes to be on time. Its one of our most obvious differences.
But I didn’t care how early it was. Once I got in the car and in the city, I was so darn excited to meet PW I didn’t even care what time of day it was.
We parked the car at a lot across the street from Chelsea Market. I originally planned to put Bean in his sling for our adventure. Not only because I wasn’t sure where we were going and if a stroller would fit, but also because it was freezing outside (try 20 degrees…) and I thought it would be warmer.
But apparently either Bean or I had put on some weight since the last time we tried the sling thing because I could not fit him into the sling to save his life or mine. I pushed, I pulled, I poked. And Bean didn’t budge.
As you can see, I brought my double chin along with me. She’s a HUGE fan of PW.
I finally gave up on the sling and threw Bean in his stroller instead. I covered him with 10,000 blankets and promised him ponies if he could just hang in there for a few minutes while we crossed the street and headed into the market. I don’t think he believed me, but he hung in there like a champ. Like a very cold little champ.
We got to Chelsea Market and, much like the roads, it was pretty quiet in there. But I kind of liked it. The market is full of small, independent, gourmet cafes and specialty food shops. There are fresh veggies and fruit and a fish monger and a fire breathing leprachaun.
(Not really on the fire breathing leprachaun thing actually.)
But you know what we did find in Chelsea Market? We found Melissa d’Arabian from the Food Network! I watched her on The Next Food Network Star and she was always my favorite. She was running to the Food Network studios, which are on the second floor of Chelsea Market, but she stopped and talked with us for about 10 minutes about Bean and the Pioneer Woman and how she wished she had some make up on. She was lovely and it started my day off right!
Because we got there before the crowds of people…or even just another person…we took advantage of having several fresh bakeries at our fingertips and we stopped for a little breakfast. Beanie was really excited. He doesn’t usually see this much action before noon on a Saturday.
He actually doesn’t see much action at all. Ever.
So, this was a big morning for him.
After our breakfast, we moseyed on back to the bookstore where a couple more early birds had arrived. We jumped in line and Chris was happy to find that we were 6th. His work here was done. At first I was a little irritated. I mean, it wasn’t even 9:00 AM and here we were. But later when the line of people stretched down the market and outside and then half way down 10th Avenue, I was secretly sort of glad that Chris had been such a taskmaster.
Around the time we got settled in our spot in line, Beanie decided that this had been enough excitement for a while, so he went for a quick little walk with Dad and promptly fell right asleep. Good job, Beanie.
By the time the bookstore opened at 10:00, we were getting antsy. By 10:45 when they let the first 10 or so people inside the bookstore to line up to get our books signed, we were on pins and needles. There was her table!! I could see it!
Of course, this was the exact moment that Bean decided, “Hey! I’ve over this! Let’s go somewhere with more stuff to chew on!” And that’s when he had a meltdown. Right there. In the front of the line. In the bookstore. About three feet from Ree’s table. Thankfully, she wasn’t there yet so I started pacing the bookstore with him, trying to shove juice down his throat or a binky or a toy or packaging peanuts – anything to get him to calm down so that he wasn’t screaming when PW walked in.
Finally, I got him under control and not a moment too soon because in she came with her ensemble of family members (though, sadly, no Marlboro Man or Punks…) and her publicist and someone from TLC who I am guessing was doing a profile piece on her? She sat herself down at her table and started signing right away.
She was just the nicest. Just the way I hoped she would be. Just the way I image her to be when I read her blog. She spent a few minutes talking to each person and she showed genuine appreciation to people for being there.
And before I knew it, it was our turn. And there I stood. Face to face with my blogging hero.
Hello, Ree. Would you like to be my best friend and let me live with you on your ranch? I could live in The Lodge with Chris and the Bean and you could cook for us every day. I would walk Charlie for you and help you clean up when a cow poops on your front porch. And at night, we could curl up on a couch under a big cozy blanket and sip red wine and talk about love and life and what the appropriate amount of blush for daytime wear should be.
In actuality, when face-to-face with Ree, I thanked her for all the traffic that her blog sends me when I leave a comment there. And for being so happy with her life and inspiring me to continue blogging as a way to stay happy in my own life. She asked about what my blog was (shameless plug for me…) and when I told her, she said that she sees me commenting all the time and that she had always wanted to check out my website.
Ree, if you’re reading this I’m so glad you finally checked it out! Now, please link to me from your blog. I’d be happy to let you crash my server any day…
For the record, the fact that this photo is blurry could be the biggest tragedy of my insignificant little life. Especially because my hair actually looks good. And so does Ree’s. And we part it on the same side….
Come back, Ree! We have to take another picture! And then you can take me back to your cattle ranch and cook for me! Or we could go shopping together! Or we could discuss the travesty that is our laundry piles! Or we can talk about which side to part our hair on tomorrow. Whatever you want, Ree! Just come back and re-take this picture!
I’m not really one of those people who gets all revved up about celebrities. Right or wrong, I see them as normal people who just got really lucky. They don’t dazzle me and I don’t obsess about them. But I make a large exception for Ree. And not just because she is a blogger. I make an exception for Ree because she took something that she loved doing – this silly little blog – and has turned it into a career and even a lifestyle. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. I’m sure she struggles with the same challenges everyone else does to achieve a goal. But she’s doing what she loves. And to me, that’s pretty darn inspirational.
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