Posts Tagged ‘Garmin’

A couple years ago, I bought Chris a Garmin Nuvi GPS for Christmas.  He named her Garmin and they fell instantly in love.  She spoke sweetly and yet assertively to him.  She gave him direction in his aimless life.  They forged new paths down new roads together.  They got lost and then found themselves together.  It was true love.

Garmin, however, hated me.  She hated me with all of her electronic being.  I was, of course, the other woman.  She might try to lead Chris down many other paths, but “Home” was always on his favorites list.  And Garmin blamed me.  Consequently, she never worked for me.  She was always claiming she couldn’t find my location when I was, clearly, in an easy place to find.  And she was always leading me down dark roads and telling me my destination was on my left.

It never was.

But I never complained to Garmin or to Chris.  I knew their love was special.  A place where I didn’t belong.  And so I kept those feelings to myself.

But today, I got to see the inner workings of Chris’ relationship with Garmin and, I have to say, it wasn’t so pretty.  For one thing, Chris talks so terribly to Garmin.  So, so terribly.  Its like he knows just what buttons to push to get her all worked up.

I remember when their relationship was fresh and new, Chris did anything that Garmin asked of him.

“Turn left on College,” Garmin would say.

“Okay, Garmin!”  Chris would chime and off they rode into the sunset.

But today I noticed a difference in Chris’ tone.  He was frustrated with Garmin.

“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said.

“No, Garmin!  I don’t want to go that way!” Chris would yell.  And he would instead take a right, leaving Garmin to recalculate their relationship.

“Recalculating, recalculating,” she would stammer, like a dog shoved aside.  “Recalculating.”

And then, not being one to give up on love, Garmin would try again.

“Turn left on 63rd Street.”

“I said NO, Garmin!  I don’t want to go that way!” Chris shouted.  “Why are you always making me do things YOUR way?  You’re so selfish!”

And again, Garmin was left to recalculate the direction their relationship was going.

“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said, weary, but willing to give this 100% of her effort.

“DAMMIT, GARMIN!” shouted Chris.  “QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!”

And with that, Chris put Garmin in time out in the glove box of the car.

I can’t be positive, but I think I heard Garmin’s muffled, digital, little voice whisper, “Recalculating.”

With Garmin out of site, Chris’ true intentions were revealed when he pulled a….a….a…iPhone out of his pocket!!!  Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

Chris was being unfaithful to Garmin and she was merely a few feet away from him, recalculating her love and worth inside that glove box.  There he sat.  Using the GPS on his iPhone.  Like a bastard.

They’re all bastards, Garmin.

I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched my husband shove aside his electronic mistress so thoughtlessly, “Could that have been me?  Could he have so easily shoved me in a glove box?  An extra large glove box in an extra large car?” These are the thoughts that no wife ever wants to think about for too long.

Fortunately for me, I don’t have to think about them for too long.  Chris has a terrible sense of direction and I know that he’d be lost without me.