Well, NOW What Do I Do?
Can we talk about these pictures for a minute?
No, I don’t want to talk about how the Department of Children and Families would take my child away if they knew I was taking pictures of him doing dangerous things like this.
And no, I don’t want to talk about what a terrible parent I am for laughing ridiculously while Bean climbed up on top of this diaper box so that I he could get on the couch.
What I would like to talk about instead is what these pictures represent. What they symbolize. What came to my mind when I saw these pictures and made me dizzy with fear…
I AM UNPREPARED TO BE THE MOTHER OF A TODDLER.
Other than the obvious things happening in this picture (life and death situations, climbing, doing whatever he wants, etc.), there are some…behaviors happening in my house right now that I am feeling a little overwhelmed with at the moment.
For one thing, Bean is cutting two molars at the same time right now. And I realize that this is probably making things 10 times more difficult because there is extra whining and moaning and drama. When Bean is cutting a tooth, he becomes the biggest drama queen I’ve ever seen.
“What do you mean I can’t BRING MY TEDDY BEAR INTO THE BATH TUB?!??!?” WHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!
“What do you mean I can’t PLAY IN THE DOG BOWLS?!?!?!” WHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!
“What do you mean I can’t HIT EVERY LIVING THING WITH MY GOLF CLUB?!?!?!” WHHHHAAAAA!!!!!
Seriously, it’s like living with Tina Turner.
But even without the teeth thing, Bean is definitely entering some kind of weird, Bermuda Triangle-like phase. He has become so demanding. Standing next to his high chair and stomping his feet and yelling when he is ready to eat. Shrieking and flailing when I take something away from him. Throwing things when he’s done or bored with them. It’s dangerous to your psyche (and your eardrums) to be around him lately.
When I was pregnant, I read Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. It was one of the only parenting books that I actually read and used. And it worked! So, when I started to notice Bean’s little temper tantrums getting bigger and bigger, I decided that this was more than I was prepared for and so I went to Barnes and Noble and bought Dr. Karp’s second book, Happiest Toddler on the Block, which is subtitled: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One-to-Four-Year-Old.
Uhhh…yes, please.
So, I’ve been reading this book and Dr. Karp’s main theory is that all babies are basically little cavemen and as parents it is our responsibility to civilize them. And I totally buy that because when Bean is stomping and hitting and yelling nonsense, he does somewhat resemble a tiny little caveman.
“ME WANT CHEERIOS RIGHT NOW!”
I’m doing everything the book recommends to curb this temper, but it is darn stinkin’ hard! Especially when we’re in public. Yesterday we were in the library and Bean had a snack cup in his stroller. When he wanted to get out and walk around, I took the snack cup away and put it in the stroller because he can’t walk around dropping food all over the public library. But, I guess Bean doesn’t understand complex logic like that (silly one-year-old comprehension…) because he began screaming and stomping and screaming and stomping. And he screamed and stomped so badly that he knocked himself over and hit his head on a chair. Which caused more screaming.
In response to this, I calmly put the snack cup away where he couldn’t see it, put Bean back into his stroller, and we left. But I felt like I missed a chance to work with him and teach him something about civilized behavior. I can’t just leave whenever he acts up, can I? I mean, I guess that’s one solution. If you act like this, then you can’t play here. But he doesn’t seem to see that as punishment. He was happy as a pig when we left, which really pissed me off because I think he ended up getting what he wanted in the first place.
At home, it’s even harder. Let’s talk about the dog bowls because those are our most frequent problem. Bean will go play in the dog bowls, I will go over to him, take him by the hand and lead him away, telling him firmly, “No, sir. Not for Bean.” And he doesn’t even seem phased. Two seconds later, he’s trying to get back into the kitchen again. So, once again, I take him by the hand and lead him out saying a very firm, “No.” And he starts laughing! LAUGHING!
Other than removing him from the situation and telling him no, I’m not sure what else he can understand at this age. So, I’m starting to think this is just part of his age and that I’m entering a tough little phase here where logic and reason don’t matter and repetitious responses and patterned behavior from me and Chris are the only thing that will make an impression – even if we have to do the same thing 15,000 times in a row.
So, all of this is a long way to say that I have one thirteen-month-old boy for sale. He comes with Mr. Bear and Big Molly and a set of plastic golf clubs. He’s a good eater and likes water. I’ll start the bidding at $1, please.
In all seriousness, is anyone else going through this? HAS anyone else gone through this? Am I doing something wrong or is this just the age? Also, is it legal to sell children on eBay yet?
59 Comments
Sarah H.
Aww. You don’t want to sell Bean! Maybe he just needs Grandma for a fewe days 🙂 Sounds like you’re being a good Mother and looking for answers in all the right places!
Katy @ MonsterProof
I’ll barter for a dog that insists on being on beds, chasing cats and squirrels, and barking at other dogs?
Katina
Katie-
Oh, how tough that toddler phase is! Somehow, I allowed my now 4-year-old daughter to live through hers. 🙂
Seriously though, the thing that helped me the most when my daughter was Bean’s age was Boys Town’s Common Sense Parenting. I took their classes and got the book “Common Sense Parenting for Toddlers” (they also have it for older kids through teens) and lived by it. It gave me great alternative approaches that really worked in my home. (Check it out online at http://www.boystownpress.org)
In full disclosure, I do work for Boys Town, but I’d totally back this program even if I didn’t. It keeps me sane as a parent. 🙂
Katie
Thanks, Katina! This is just the kind of thing I was hoping to find. I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that my readers collectively will always know more than me!! 🙂
KT
You are exactly right – there is no logic and reason capability in one year olds…repetition is the ONLY thing that will work for now. It DOES get better though, the more consistent you are the better it will be. I started time-outs when mine were pretty little too, no more than a minute or two at first, but all the books I read are divided on this concept. The other very effective thing I did was if they played with a toy incorrectly (i.e., the golf clubs) I took it away for a toy-timeout.
And believe me, I’ve left grocery stores with carts full of groceries, clothing stores, toy stores, etc…all because my little one was throwing some sort of tantrum.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things.
Diana @ A Little Bit of Life
Mommy and me gymnastics along with playtime at the gym – its a lifesaver and so much fun for the kiddos. I know the gym I use to work at in Longwood does it (Ace Gymnastics) but there may be one closer to you. It makes such a difference since they learn to take turns, get to climb on stuff, have to listen to a teacher and they are just plain tired at the end. I would give it a shot if I were you!
Sara @ embrylovescookies
Went through the exact same thing with our son (and still going through it to some extent) who is 2 1/2 now. Did not have the same problem with our daughter, so I always blamed it on him being a boy. We tried just about everything we read in books and every suggestion from other parents (and strangers), and pretty much nothing phased him. He just didn’t seem to care if his behavior was acceptable or not. The only advice I can give is patience, patience, PATIENCE. One day Bean will find something more interesting to play with than the dog bowls.
Also, eBay frowns upon selling little boys, or at least they did when mine was 1 year old. 🙂
Ulmer Studios
So great to hear about others and this little time of life. We have a 16 mo old lil girl and she is going through the same thing right now!!!
We have started the thing of just taking her away from the situation etc…
We also did Happiest Baby on the Block so thinking we might go and see if we can check out the Toddler one at the library!
-J+A
Holly at Perrydise
I am going through the same thing with my 14 month old daughter right now. It’s so hard because you can’t explain your actions to a 1 year old. They don’t understand rules yet. If you find a solution please fill me in. :-/
Amy
Katie, you are doing just FINE! You are doing exactly what you should be–telling him no and removing him from the situation. It’s one of those things where you gotta do it over and over again until you think your head will explode, but it is worth it in the end. I have an 8yo and a 5yo, and I think the most important thing I learned during their toddler years is that those early years is that you gotta stay calm, because they will push every single button you havce trying to get a reaction from you. If you never give them a reaction, they’ll give up because it’s no longer fun. I would recommend checking out Love and Logic–you can probably find the video at the library. I found a lot of the principles extremely helpful, even if some of it was a little cheesy, i.e., the Uh-Oh Song. Yeah, I’m just gonna leave it at that to pique your interest. My husband Chris and I both watched the video together, and when we were both on the same page as far as how to handle those behaviors, it really helped. Good luck!
Amy
FYI: http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Laura
It’s the age. I swear Cameron (who is a week younger than Bean) is doing the EXACT same things! And he’s not teething right now. When Cam throws a tantrum we have usually been at home and I just ignore him and he stops after he sees he doesn’t get a reaction. I haven’t dealt with it in public much yet since I stayed at home with him until this week, when I went back to work. When you figure it out, let us know… PLEASE!
Sue V.
Katie,
The terrible two’s start at about 14 months and go on until about 32 months. Then you get into the tortuous 3’s. I have 4 kiddos ages 4,6,8,10. I chuckled as I read about you walking out of the library. It is true at Bean’s age he may have been excited to leave the library. Realize though that you are teaching him what your reaction to his misbehavior is going to be. You are teaching him to expect there to be a consequence. Keep doing what you are doing.
Mom’s dont feel bad or embarrassed about leaving a cart of stuff behind as you walk out of a store with a child having a meltdown. Take the moment to teach your child. (Obviously if you have cold/frozen stuff, let a clerk know on your way out)
Keri
Once again our babies are tracking together. Instead of the dog bowls, we have issues with the dog bed. She goes over and jumps on them, I say no and bring her back off. She finds this to be hysterical. It’s funny, but I’m not sure that the dogs will find this funny if she jumps on them when they are asleep. So, it’s dangerous, but she’s not getting that when I try to rationalize with her. And don’t even get me started on the fits she throws if you try to take the book, toy, spoon, hairbrush, etc, out of her hand after she’s decided that’s what she wants to walk around the house with. I’ve decided…my mom was right…whose idea was it to teach these kids to walk anyway? Good luck! I know I need it.
El
Katie – I am going through this with my 19 month old son. I am trying to read the Happiest Toddler on the Block too. So far what works with my little man is repetition and not giving a reaction, along with the caveman style of talking that Dr. Karp recommends. My little man is in daycare and doesn’t seem to act up there, just at home, but I am still trying to keep my sanity and stay calm because I know this is a phase that will pass (at least that is what all of my friends with older kids keep telling me! :))
Katie van der Meer
I think that consistency is really key. Continue doing what your doing and not letting him get away with the things you feel are worth the fight (choose your battle). My son went through it, we got through it and now he is starting it again. He doesnt listen well sometimes and he pushes boundaries. I just conintue to teach him who he needs to respect and it makes for a pretty well rounded child (I think). You learn what work when it comes to discipline because I had a laugher as well. I must say, it is hard and you want to cry and sleep and never wake up but it is worth it when you see them finally start hearing you and listening. Be patient. It will come 🙂
Angie
Sue – I love the term tortuous 3’s. Mine turns 3 on Saturday. Katie, while I would love to say it gets better, it just changes. We repetition, repetition, repetition is key. We missed the terrible 2’s, but Wow is she making up for it now.
One of the ways we avoided the frustration was our daughter learning sign language. In our daycare they began teaching sign language at 10 months so since she could not verbalize what she wanted, she signed it. It. Was. Wonderful.
Now is a different story, we just have a 3 year old diva.:)
Beanie's Nana
Just wait until your daughter hits the “Terrible Twenty Fives”. That’s when they accompany you to the grocery store and hold up a box of Depends and yell down the aisle, “Mom, is this what you were looking for?” They’re really hilarious at this age.
Megan (Best of Fates)
As you know, I have no children. But you know what I do have? A groundhog.
I figure they’re roughly the same (right?) so I’ll share how I handle Gerald acting up.
I just keep driving.
Sure, I want to stop and give him the attention he obviously craves, but that’s just playing into his hand.
So I just drive on by – and usually, after a couple of days, he gets the message and starts acting better.
Does that help?
Ann G-B
You mean whimpering softly, please stop…, no thank you… and then crying until you scream – BUT I JUST WANT TO BRUSH MY TEETH, isn’t the answer?
That is what tried last night… It didn’t go so well…
I think I will go buy Dr. Karp’s book now……..
Nate's Mom
Bean’s priceless – you can’t sell him on eBay! Nate’s started crawling up on his toys, secretly, to get out of his playpen. He didn’t realize he was doing it at first but now it is very deliberate. And it’s sneaky.
As for no – we used to do “not for Nate” but I skip right to the firm “no” now. The other day, Nate thought he wasn’t being observed as he reached to take the electrical plug thingies out of the plug. I said such a firm “no” that he jumped. (Again. He didn’t think he was being watched….) He hasn’t gone over there since. After he responds properly to the no, I always tell him “Good job! Good listening!” which lasts until he’s in the next thing that he’s not supposed to be in. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m talking to a puppy….) Nate’s not toddling yet – just crawling up a storm – so I could have a lot more to say than “No” once we get to that stage….
Katie B.
I don’t have kids but a lot of my girlfriends do. Have you tried using a “naughty mat” or a time out whenever he touches the doggy bowls? My girlfriend used it for her boys and it seemed to work really well. Although I’m sure how young is too young start with stuff like that (i.e. will he grasp that he is in trouble). It might be worth a try?
Bean is such a cutie and you’re such an awesome mom!
Gina
Eva’s just about to turn one, but has hit a lovely demanding/hitting stage that makes me want to tear my hair out. She’s got a handful of words and uses them after slugging you to get your attention. She wants to ride on her train? She punches you in the leg, points at the train and says “UP! PEAS!” and then screams if you don’t do it immediately. Oh, the fun of this age… (Does anyone know how to stop the hitting before it becomes intentionally hurtful? Right now it’s attention getting, but I don’t want it to continue?)
Kendra
Katie… I wish I could offer advice but since I have no children I cannot. I think the best advice you are getting has to be from Megan. A Groundhog is exactly like a child! Right?!
Kristine
I don’t have kids yet, but I do have a woman in my life who is somewhat of a parenting expert. My boyfriend’s mom, Ginny Luther, is amazing with kids, and she gives talks and presentations all over the country. Check out her website- peacefulparenting.net My boyfriend’s little brother was what some call a “problem child” from a VERY young age, and she decided then to figure out the best way to handle him- it might be worth checking out her website- they live in Florida, so maybe she’ll have a seminar near you at some point. I think her schedule is on her website. Goodluck!
andrea
everyone with a child that age has gone through it, you are certainly not alone!
you mentioned a couple posts ago that you first thought of training bean like you train dogs, and in a way it is the same. I too felt horrible when i found myself in the same mindset with my child that i would be in when training my dog…but, there is that point that you realize that discipline to them (child or dog) is just attention in their eyes. so even as you take bean by the hand and lead him away from the dog bowls and tell him no, all he’s thinking it’s “HA! I got her attention!”
When I realized this I started picking my son up at arms length facing away from me and just depositing him in another room, handing him a toy and walking away. then I would tell him he was a good boy for playing with his toy and even get down and play with him for a minute. now he got attention for doing something good instead of something bad. it was a lot less stressful on my end too since i wasn’t getting frustrated about getting upset with him.
When we were out and he’d act up I would calmly say something along the lines of “mommy can’t talk to you if you are crying” and walk away, even if he had thrown himself on the ground, it wasn’t pretty but i’d walk away. of course always a safe distance and i’d have a clear view of him but there is that split second that he would open his eyes to see if I was watching and I wasn’t there. he would stop crying immediately, then I could kneel down and talk to him without him screaming in my face. I started this at just about a year old and he is now three. There are still tantrums now and then but they are mild and short lived. all I have to say now is “are you done?” and he stops crying and says “i’m sorry mommy” he is such a good boy 🙂
it is just the age, though it’s amazing how something so small can have such a determined mind. keep up the good work!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
All I have to offer you is: yes we’ve been through this and they all got over it.
Our main parenting philosophy, regardless of the behavior, is “if you don’t give in, they will get stop it eventually.”
I wrote an open letter to your kin last month:
http://ourfrontdoor.squarespace.com/notepad/2010/6/16/an-open-letter-to-the-mom-at-the-grocery-store-today.html
Candice
My nephew (now 2 1/2 yrs old) is/was like this. He would go after the dog with the golf clubs. :-/ It took just a lot of chasing around. I’m with Mindee in that if you don’t give in, eventually they’ll stop. My other nephew has more of a “free” upbringing. They don’t use the word “no” with him – they more explain, “You aren’t allowed to touch that.” But I think he doesn’t get it yet (he’s 20 mths) and so he hits and bites and laughs when you yell at him b/c he finds it all funny. It’s really frustrating, but I know he’ll get it one day. (I hope! lol)
Jen
I think I was that woman in the grocery that Mindee wrote that letter to. LOL. I refuse to leave my cart to take my son out of the store, in fact…I have given my oldest a time out in the cart, in the aisle before. It just sorta happened, I think I was just tired enough that the reality of home and the grocery was blurred somewhere and I needed groceries by golly. So he stayed in the cart on one end of the aisle and I moved myself to the middle of the aisle to ignore his tantrum better (I had my eye on him no worries) and you know what…he stopped! I asked him if he was done, he shook his head yes and said in his sweet 2year old wimper. “sawee, mama” and we moved on. I don;t believe in giving in…as a mama to two boys, now ages 3 and 2…to give in would equate surrendering MY sanity…and that just is not an option. OK…maybe in the library, but only to be taken outside long enough to get it together and go back in. PATIENCE is hard work but a lesson in itself for my boys. Oh and “terrible two” does begin earlier than 2 and trust me, 3 ain’t no picnic…his vocabulary is much grander and he repeats everything.you.say. I laugh. A LOT.
Brenna
Hello! Just wanted you to know that you are not alone-every parent works to figure out what is the best way to control and teach their children. My son is 2 1/2 and I feel like we are finally turning the corner. It is a great feeling. I know there will be more power struggles and tantrums along the way, but right now I am taking every little victory I can get. I found the Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood to be extremely helpful and effective. I’m interested in reading some of the other books that have been mentioned in this post/comments. Good luck!
Jenn
Oh the joys of when wants and needs are the same collide with wants and needs being two entirely different things! I love babies, and I love preschoolers….toddlers, not so much. Good luck with your little cave man, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, around 4 or 5 years old. The best advice I can come up with is to figure out what works best for you and bean, and toss the rest of those parenting books. You know your child best!
deepa
While Rohan has only had one full blown tantrum (about two months ago when he was playing and we put him in the high chaor for lunch time. I was so confused I thought he had a bug in his ear or something.) he is defnitely testing boundries on what he can and cannot do.
We used Andrea’s method – picking him up, putting him down in another room, and walking away. So far, this has worked for two out of the two big “nonos” we have run into. It took a week or so, but Rohan no longer goes up to the TV and plays with the controls when it is on, and he no longer plays with the phone base. Success!
Next up – open fridge and drezzer doors!
deepa
oops – FREEZER doors… sheesh
Candace
I am feeling the same way lately…so good to read I am not the only one 🙂 Sometimes it seems that my child is the most dramatic…my twin boys are one…and while one is usually calm and does not throw tantrums (he is what keeps me sane at times LOL) his brother is the complete opposite…when he is hungry SCREAMS…when he is done SCREAMS….My daughter that is 2 1/2 did not prepare me for such drama…she was super calm and had the occassional tantrum…but not the daily dose that baby B has been giving me…I just started being a stay at home mom a couple of weeks ago so I know that I am in a transition phase..and so is he…I love reading your blog because I feel good to get great advice and just hear that someone else is being tested….they will grow out of it…they have too right 🙂
Amber
When you said that Bean laughs at you when you tell him No I almost fell off my chair laughing. Not at you but with relief. My little girl who is 18 months old now, laughs at us too. She thinks it is hilarious when we say no and that started when she was bean’s age. We have started little 30 second time outs and that seems to work well for her. Also I second the poster who said to try mommy and me gymnastics. We go to The Little Gym and we love it!
Kris J
You are so not alone. Mine is nine now, so it’s been a few years, and I’m pretty sure as mothers we block some of it for our own sanity, but I can totally sympathize.
Before I had children, I always said MY children would never throw a fit in target…grocery stores…or any public place for that matter. I was so smart then…to bad I had to eat those words!
I say you’re doing a great job. Keep doing what works best for you and Bean.
Margaret
SO normal! My son is driving me up a wall when he’s eating now. He simply discards whatever food he doesn’t want. At first it was just a “what happens when this food leaves my hand?” but NOW it’s an “I can’t be bothered to place this one a tray, this chewed up piece of toast MUST BE THROWN AWAY so I can focus on the banana you’re offering.” As if he were a little prince. Drives my husband and me to tears.
So here’s what we do. We say, “NO!” and sometimes we forcible keep his hand from reaching over the tray. I mean, we don’t hurt him(!) at all, but show him what we mean and what we say. We also watch him like a hawk when he eats now to correct behavior. I had been giving him swats on the hand for some things (like dog bowl stuff and electrical cords) but realized it just meant nothing to him and abandoned it.
Our other disciplinary method is to pick Ezra up when he does something he’s not supposed to (ignores us when we say no and crawls up the stairs anyway). He HATES to be picked up (sort of restraining him, kind of like a time out, only not in one place because he so doesn’t get that) if he’s playing with something.
My husband was just saying (as I read this) that he’s started having no problems with leaving places where a tantrum is inappropriate (like a library) but that in restaurants and stuff it’s ok to deal with it the way you would at home. Consistency is king. Which really just reveals how lazy I am right now, but that’s what parenting is all about?
deepa
Margaret, we have the same problem with throwing food on the floor. We have the pop off top tray and after three “nos”, I simply pop the top off and hold it out of reach for about a minute. if I have to pop off the tray three times, i just take him out of the chair and tell him “no more”. (he is still on formula, so if he doesn’t eat a ton, he gets a slightly bigger bottle – not sure what we are going to do in a few weeks when he is off formula…).
Amanda
The only thing that keeps my 18month old alive right now is that I keep reminding myself that tantrums are a sign of good development. Our boys are developing as they should, so that’s encouraging.
I liked the book Love and logic magic for early childhood : practical parenting from birth to six years by Jim Fay & Charles Fay. It’s a quick read, since only some of it pertains to our youngin’s, but it was helpful.
I just reserved the Happiest Toddler book from my library to get more help. 🙂
Emily
Welcome to the world of challenging adventures outside your home! Never did u think grocery shopping and eating at a resturant could be so challenging! Ha! We have just in the past two months started using love and logic techiques on our now 22 month old daughter and it is like night and day!
She is 95 percent better! She still tests us daily but the difference to me is I know I have a plan when it happens so I always feel in control which was lifechanging for me 🙂
Well good luck! You can do it!
Heather in ND
I think you’re doing a great job!
Not gunna lie, time outs are quite helpful sometimes!
Rachel T
Not gonna lie…I’m terrified of being a parent of a toddler. My 18 month old is pushing things out of her way and stacking things up so she can climb places she’s never been before, like behind the TV!!! She gets herself into all kinds of predicaments then starts yelling “Tuck! Tuck! TUCK!!!” (Stuck)
Oh my word! If only they could stay immobile until they could understand safety concerns and right and wrong! I’m working my way through The Happiest Toddler on the Block right now, but it’s freaking hard to try to speak in toddler-ese!
Megan
Are you sure you’re writing about Bean and not about Q-Tip?
She has been acting like a crazy woman for the past week. And I…I am losing my ever lovin mind!
I’ll be looking into a few of the things that your readers suggested. I NEED HELP TOO!!
Otherwise…ebay here we come! 🙂
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
Jenn
I think you’re doing great. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t always see the consequence as “punishment” per se. At his age he’s still too young to understand rules, so any attempt to teach him something else at the library would have resulted in more frustration and tears all round I reckon. Leaving the situation is absolutely an age appropriate thing to do.
When he’s a bit older (say 2 or 3) would be time to start maybe getting him to pick up all the things he dropped or something like that.
Vanessa
Am I the only one concentrated on the sell?!
Katie I will give you 10 dollars but you cant have him back once he is out of this weird stage…mmmmm maybe I will give him back when he is in the “I HATE you” one!
Brook
I appreciate how candid you are. Although, somtimes I think you’re spying on us. Either way, I’ll raise you one grumpy, teething Bean, and see you one Little Bit. She’s cutting molars, learning to have an attitude, and now has deadly diaper rash. WooHoo!! 30 minutes of nonstop screaming this evening.
(I think I’ll have to look into these books when I head to the library tomorrow.)
Joanne
I have a 2 year old boy and have gone through similar issues. At 14 months he was impossible to “train”. He would go back to the forbidden item exactly 2 seconds after you told him not to. After the 20 – 50th time of redirection within the space of 5 minutes we gave up and put the forbidden item out of reach (i.e. we have lots of gates!). Now he is 2 I’m noticing I am finally able to “reason” with him and it’s actually getting better (i.e. “if you keep doing X then Mummy is going to put you in the cot/stroller/ or do something else he doesn’t want to happen.” He actually stops doing it! Amazing!!
Also, we said “don’t touch” instead of “No”. This was amazing as he didn’t learn to say “No” horribly like many toddlers do. Instead he says “don’t touch” – which is so much nicer to have to listen to! Plus it actually has more meaning than “no” and helps him understand better.
Here’s the global pattern I see emerging. I can spend an awful lot of time training my child to do something. Or I can wait and then he grows up a little, loses interest in whatever I was worried about, and moves to the next worrisome thing!
Jaymie
Redirection works too. All three of my kids were in love with the dog bowls. My youngest who is 2 now would eat the dog food. Yucko!! James Dobson has an interesting perpective. I own strong willed child and bringing up boys. I use love and logic and to me this makes the most sense. Everything is normal you are doing great.
pam-tastic
Katie…
First of all, I am so sorry for you. These are tough times and only those of us who have been through it can fully understand your frustration. But trust me here, you are doing a FAB job! Keep it up! You are aware of what is going on and obviously trying to make good parenting decisions so that your little caveman is properly civilized…good work!
Secondly, my favorite piece of parenting advice is this: “Redirection is the key to good parenting.” For example, when he’s whiney about something or goes to the dog bowls continue to do exactly as you described above…you ARE reinforcing in him what is expected of him; but you might also try to get quickly redirect him to some other task, toy, etc. Trust me…this will work…it may take a gazillion times, but it will work; AND no matter the age, it will most ALWAYS work.
Lastly…I have 17 and 9 y/o daughters…and trust me, it gets soooo much worse than this 🙂
Heidi M
So normal! My 11 month old has started having tantrums anytime a piece of technology is taken away from him. The remotes, cameras, phones, anything computery are all fair game for a tantrum. I work from home and it is driving me crazy!!! My strategy has been remaining calm and trying to be as consistent as I can. There are many prayers being shot up to heaven on the calm one! I’m definitely going to check out the Happy Toddler book. Some more strategies would be nice as he gets older. I think part of it is a boy thing. I only remember my daughter having 1 tantrum ever. I could also just have faulty mom memory since that was 9 years ago.
I would seriously have been laughing at the climbing. I have to say that I would probably find more things for him to climb on and laugh even more.
megan
Oh man, this post is so familiar. Right after my youngest turned one, she became a whiny, clingy, screaming, stubborn toddler. I honestly thought she was sick or something, because my older one has a compliant personality, and had maybe one tantrum her toddler years. I couldn’t believe behavior like this was normal!
But apparently we were just lucky to have one kid who was a breeze, because we certainly paid for it with the youngest. She would fight _everything_. Changing clothes, getting in her car seat, being told no, sitting in a stroller, changing a diaper, everything. She’d scream and fuss like the world was ending. I tried distraction, ignoring, redirecting, techniques from books, nothing would help. The tantrum would just go on and on and on.
She’s 2-1/2 now, and actually getting better, and the only thing I can recommend is consistency and simplicity. You’re right in that it will take 15,000 times at least for it to sink in. Don’t worry about explaining everything, just short and sweet. Three to four words at the most.
Oh, and toddler-proof everything you can. I never had child locks until my second one came along. Some kids listen when you say no, others laugh at you (is that not the most frustrating thing?!). Save yourself the trouble and put away and lock up everything you don’t want him to touch so it’s not even an issue. When he’s older and able to understand more, you can explain what he’s allowed to touch.
So consistency, simplicity, tons of patience, and child locks. It is a very difficult road, but you can make it!
Tabitha (From Single to Married)
What a great post – I have a five month old who has just reached the age where he realizes if he cries, mommy will come. So he’s been taking full advantage of that fact. It’s been challenging when it comes time for bed, needless to say. I can only imagine the challenges we’ll face as he grows into the toddler stage soon.
Good luck with Mr. Bean, I’d buy him from you if I had the space. 🙂
Anna
I truly enjoy reading your blog because Bean is only about a week older than my little boy. We are literally going through the same things at the exact same time! I feel at times that I need a “mommy time out” because my sweet baby has turned into the spawn of satan.
Kelly B(elly)
Oh, sweetie. I feel. your. pain. As a mom of 4, going on 5, (ages 6 1/2, 5 1/2, 3 1/2, 2) I can confidently say, you will be repeating yourself til you feel like your head’s gonna fall right off, til you wanna just scream, or duct tape them to a chair or all of the above (and trust me, when you develop an escape artist – and pray you don’t – duct tape sound’s mighty attractive). Just keep swimming! 😉 And move the dog bowls. (I know there are different schools of thought on teaching them to just obey the no touch rule, but IMHExperience, it’s just as easy and effective to move the dadgum bowls (or dvd’s, or remotes, or…) until they no longer have that desire to play with it. And I think that comes at about 2 1/2.
Christina C.
Okay, let me preface this by saying I am not a parent but I have taken what feels like a million child psych classes which I am sure means nothing when you’re standing with a screaming toddler in the library but…here is my two cents anyway!
I have studied Harvey’s philosophy before and although I am sure people look at how he deals with toddlers especially and think “that guy is insane”, I really like what he does. At this age, you aren’t the only one upset about communication, Bean Man is too. So mirroring back that yelling and emotion should let him know that he is being heard. After all, I think what we are meant to teach our children is that all emotion is acceptable but all behavior is not. So if Bean wants to be pissed that he can’t play in the water bowl, that’s fine, let him know you hear him; but that doesn’t mean he gets to do what he wants.
I think when you say he’s in a “phase here where logic and reason don’t matter and repetitious responses and patterned behavior from me and Chris are the only thing that will make an impression €“ even if we have to do the same thing 15,000 times in a row” you are hitting the nail on the head. That sounds impossibly but repetition will help, even if it seems futile. I guess I just wanted to say you will find a way to communicate with Bean it will just take him A LOT of testing and you and Chris A LOT of repetition. Good luck!
Christina C.
You may want to try youtube-ing (is that a word?) Harvey’s videos so you can see what he does as well. I haven’t personally read his book so maybe it is quite clear. Just thought it may be helpful!
Jen
I just picked up Love and Logic (the book) the other day after talking to a friend of mine. she said that she used it on her 3 year and it worked great. It always amazes me that my not yet 2 year can send me so far off the edge. It was like he went to bed one night as my happy little boy and woke up this crazy child who tells me NO for everything.
Keep your head up and remember to breathe…and you can always give yourself a time out. That is what I do when I find myself losing my cool!
Abigail
My 14 month old loves the dog bowls as well. The only way we found to keep them safe from her is to put them in the dog crate. So he has a little less room, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Of course if we leave the door to the crate open she goes right in and sits down in the water bowl.
Latrice
I just found your blog today. Thanks for this posting on your son’s tantrums, it makes me feel like my little girl isn’t the only one! She’s14 months old but began her “terrible two’s” tantrums around 6 weeks ago. I couldn’t believe it and had no idea what happened to my sweet little baby. But, I’m sure it gets better at some point. Right?