How to Procrastinate
I am an excellent procrastinator. Really. I’m exceptional at procrastination. I have the ability to choose when I will procrastinate. I think that’s my key to success. Most people who are procrastinators procrastinate everything. They buy birthday cards to mail the day of the person’s birthday. They stand in line at H&R Block on April 14. They take the trash out at 4:30am on trash day. They procrastinate in every area of their lives.
Not me. I’m above all that nonsense.
I have the amazing ability to choose only the most important, time sensitive, life altering events to procrastinate. None of that birthday card or paper writing for me. Go big or go home. That’s my motto.
My email inbox is critical to this method of procrastination. When I know I’m supposed to send or receive something via email that is really important, I simply stop checking my email altogether. Then all the small things that I need to take care of start piling up on in my inbox IN ADDITION TO the large, looming event.
And it’s not just emails. Anything that might require me to look into the eyes of my looming event or deadline gets avoided. Which means things can pile up pretty quickly and before I know it, my life has become a shrine at the base camp of Mt. Procrastination.
I call this the Layering Effect. I layer my procrastination. I’m so good at procrastinating, I have 3D procrastinations. Levels of procrastination. Piles of procrastination.
You know why I do this? I think it’s because I create all these other small fires around the enormous wildfire in the epicenter to distract me. Now, I’m late sending birthday cards and that task must be brought up to speed before I can even THINK about handling the real important things. I took a debate class in college one semester and they called this the Red Herring Theory. When there’s something big and unavoidable coming up in your debate that you don’t want to tackle, you start trying to distract the listeners attention by pointing to something else.
What? You want me to file paperwork that could possibly save the earth from exploding?
In a minute. I’m too busy color coding these file folders. How can we possibly save the planet with all these mismatched labels in my file cabinet?
RED HERRING!
I have discovered that my family is the biggest red herring out there. I use them for all kinds of excuses to procrastinate. How can I attend to really important things in life when there are children wallowing around on my living room floor? How can I leave them for five minutes to fax in a really important document or make an important phone call? What if they sneeze and I’m not there to say, “God bless you!” WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEIR SOULS, I SAY? THINK OF THE CHILDREN’S SOULS!
You know what else is a great red herring? Chris. He’s so good at taking care of things that when something comes up for me to handle, I have the perfect excuse not to handle it. I MARRIED my excuse.
What? You need MY signature? I couldn’t possibly. Chris takes care of that kind of thing.
What? You need MY approval for that transaction? Nope. Can’t. Won’t. I’ve got to talk to my husband. Right after we send our kids to college.
I tell you. It is procrastination at its finest.
But I’ll tell you something about that kind of procrastination. When you’re already prone to anxiety, procrastination is not your friend. Those piles of things that build up just sit in your chest like an overweight elephant. When that happens to me, I usually sit up all night worrying and fretting over what I need to do. Then I wake up the next morning and fly through the piles, knocking things off of Mt. Procrastination like a crazy person. Then I take an afternoon nap. Then I eat a Twinkie as a reward. Then I play with my kids guilt-free. Then I sit with Chris on the back porch and drink a beer after le babes have gone to bed. Then I sleep peacefully.
I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I do. In fact, I must go. I am actually procrastinating right this minute by writing a blog post on procrastination.
See how good I am at this game?
21 Comments
Katy's Neverending Story
Girl, I am with you… I, too, am a champion procrastinator. I am procrastinating this minute by commenting on your procrastination. It’s a cycle, but I can’t seem to escape!
Maureen
I’m procrastinating right now.
Jen at Cabin Fever
What I should be doing is studying for my NCLEX. Instead, I am adding items to my baby registry and counting kicks. Does that count as procrastination? If it does then I don’t mind it 🙂 Cabin Fever in Vermont
Queen of Whirled
Nothing like waiting to the last minute. It’s how I live my life.
Alaina
I too am procrastinating…it’s the only thing keeping me from doing the inevitable.
Jen @ Caved In
I feel that my lifetime of practice of procrastination has been a huge benefit for procrastinating after having a baby. I’m used to it by now, guilt free. So what if my husband wears boxers with a huge hole in them because all of his other boxers are in a pile the size of a VW bug? not me! I was too busy making Sullivan laugh at the dog. Time well spent, I’d say. Maybe once a week I make a huge list, put on the ipod, and knock things out so we don’t fall too far behind. Kids and husbands are the perfect excuses. Isn’t that why Gracie and Bean are so darn cute?
momiss
I can tell you from experience you will never regret the procrastination I see in these pictures. Carry on with a clear conscious.
Taylor
Ahh, this post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes…”Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off. ” -Ellen DeGeneres.
Kat
In fact, right this second, I am procrastinating by reading this post!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Reason #63 why we are such great imaginary friends Kate.
However.
When Rich procrastinates? Or my kids? Its bugs the crap out of me and I get really judgemental.
It’s only okay when I do it you see.
Alex
wow, this describes me to a tee. the red herring is my go-to strategy! i was especially anxiety-prone after my son was born and was driving myself crazy doing exactly what you are describing. detailed to-do lists sometimes help me – and also, admitting to my husband/mom/sister/someone that i could use their help! blame it on the post-baby hormones (another great excuse!)
Jessica W
Your blog is currently my procrastination. 🙂
And, FYI, it’s not just you and Chris… your daughter is actually the most gorgeous, adorable baby on earth. I wish I was imaginary, I’d love to give her a good cuddle! 😉
Marie @ It's a Kind of Normal
Ok…this post is so my life right now! Minus the two children & a husband!!! I’m actually procrastinating working on my last assignment for uni this year because it’s a matter of life & death that I read all the blogs that I follow RIGHT.NOW.!
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
I used to own a sweatshirt that said, “Procrastinators unite tomorrow.” It was given to me as a gift because of my tendency to procrastinate. I used to start 15 page research papers {the kind they give you the whole term to do} the week before they were due…like, that’s when I would start researching. I started the paper the day before it was due. I have no idea how I ever graduated from college with a decent GPA.
jenniferc
in high school i had to write a paper about something i was good at. After cleaning my room for the first time in a year, going midnight grocery shopping, and doing various other strange things I decided i was an expert procrastinator and wrote the paper about what i did that night
jenniferc
i only read a few lines when i left 1st comment. I think your “paper” is better 🙂
Amanda
Wow. And here I was procrastinating from getting my work done that I have put off for weeks because I was READING this post 🙂
Karen
It’s so funny you wrote this post–I am exactly the same way! And prone to worry/anxiety as well. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. You’d think I’d learn!
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
Aw man I so do this too!!! Personal and work!
Christina C.
Ahh I do this too! In fact, I’m doing it right now! I should be doing homework and finding a place to live (I’m officially homeless in two weeks because my lease is up) and instead I’m checking out MC and P-Dub to see what’s going on with you guys. I really need to go! Thanks for the reminder! I’m off to fight some fire!!!
Michelle
If you read your messages, you will see that i’m weeks behind! Sorry, trying to catch up, but i love your blog and sometimes just really find the need to comment on some random, but not so random person’s blog.
Now then, this post, i’m totally there with you! Why do we do it? It makes things so much worse later, but still i do it. And i’m choosy about it, and it’s usually the big things. Thanks for ALWAYS showing me i’m not alone an i’m not crazy!