Intentional Nothingness
Last week, Chris and I got into a big fight. We argue from time to time, like most couples, but we don’t really do the knock-down-drag-out fighting very often. And this was one of those times. It was one of those all-consuming fights that covers a range of things we’d both been mad about for a couple weeks. I call those housekeeping fights. It’s like spring cleaning. Sometimes, you just need to crawl up into those dark, cobwebby corners of your marriage and throw some windows open to air things out a bit, you know? And so, we did.
There were two main issues that kept coming up in this fight. First, having two small children is rough right now. We love our babies, but the fact that teething, potty training, and Terrible Two’s are all happening at the same time has us a little frazzled at the moment. At Bean’s age, he demands a LOT of attention right now. It’s not that he’s walking around being bad or throwing temper tantrums (though that is certainly part of this phase), it’s more that he’s testing limits and pushing boundaries out of curiosity, which is fine and healthy, but it’s important that Chris and I are consistent and firm in our responses and that takes a lot of our time and attention. Gracie also has her own needs, too. She’s five months old now (my ovaries just wept…) and she’s awake almost all day, which means she needs to be engaged and stimulated and encouraged a lot – as a baby should be. She’s at this wonderful age where she’s exploring new things and enjoying a lot more, but babies need a lot of attention and Gracie Girl is no exception.
Learning to balance our time between Bean and Gracie right now is exhausting enough, but add to that that I have gone back to work, that the kids are getting used to our new routine of daycare, that we just moved into a new house that needs a lot of work, and that we’d both like to have at least a LITTLE time to breathe in the course of a day and it doesn’t leave much time for Chris and I to connect. Our days don’t end until around 10:30 and by then, we’re tired and grumpy. The last thing we want to do is talk…or…um…not talk…
The other issue that kept coming up in our housekeeping fight was that in what little down time Chris and I have had in the past month, we’ve been spending apart, which is something we’re not used to. I’ve had commitments and meetings and deadlines that have taken me out of the house a little more than usual and Chris has used some of his down time to work on projects around the house that took him outside and away from me and the kids. In short, we were just spread a little thin and that frustration led to a lot of anger from each of us. We had started keeping score in our parenting routines. Each time I did something that he didn’t do, I tallied it up in my head. And any time he did something that I didn’t do, he tallied it up in his head. And so when we had our knock-down-drag-out, we let the tally marks fly.
But the truth is that you can’t tally up parenting or marriage. You just can’t do it. It doesn’t break down evenly. Just because I cook dinner doesn’t mean that I get to sit on the couch after bedtime while Chris does the dishes by himself in the kitchen. I could get up and, like, help. And just because Chris does Bean’s bath time doesn’t mean he is excused from folding a load of laundry. The thing about a family is that kids don’t care who’s more tired or who did the last chore. They have needs and they need them met. And what am I going to do? Refuse to give Gracie a bath because it’s not my turn?
To get us to a better place, Chris and I decided to cancel all our plans this weekend and for the next week. We are intentionally doing nothing so that we can reset our family clock. We’re retreating into our new, sweet little home and regrouping. We spent this weekend doing things like taking family trips to Home Depot and grocery shopping together (which was a disaster, by the way, but it’s the effort that counts, right?). We sat on the couch and watched football and played on the floor with Bean and Gracie. We put the kids to bed together and we helped each other with household chores. And then, after the kids had gone to bed, Chris and I cooked dinner together and talked about things like work and plans for the house and why we thought we’d been off kilter lately. We came up with a new game plan for discipline for Bean and we laughed about Gracie’s ability to inhale baby food like she was drinking it up with a straw. And when we felt things getting tense (like in aisle three of the grocery store), we took deep breathes, gave each other long, inappropriate kisses in public while Bean tugged on our legs, and started again.
I receive emails and notes a lot from readers asking me for marriage advice and I am always hesitant to give it. The past month is the reason why. Because if I know anything about marriage it is that it is fluid. It’s moving. It’s always changing, always growing, sometimes taking a couple steps backwards, sometimes taking a step or two forward. Just when I think I have it figured out, I learn something else. To try and pin it down is like trying to pin a cloud. But if I was really pressed to give sometime marriage advice, it would be this:
Take care of your marriage. Plant it in the good, rich soil of faith. Feed it compassion, patience, and grace. Don’t forget to trim off parts when they begin to weather or be afraid to prune it back a bit when it seems to be growing a bit out of control. Remember that seasons will come and go and that the needs of your marriage might change with those seasons. And then water it with love. Good, old fashioned, deep from the heart love.
Blooming where you are planted begins inside your marriage.
34 Comments
Meredith
Thank you.
Jenna@MomofManyHats
This is so spot on. I am saving this for our next “spring cleaning”. What a great way to get out of a rut…to reset the family clock. Bravo for being so observant in your marriage that you can offer a great post like this. Thanks!
Laura @ Casa del Hansen
Love it, Katie. The best advice I’ve ever gotten is pretty much the same thing – every marriage is so different that the most important thing is to think of it each marriage its own unique living, breathing entity that created by the couple (just like a child). It will have bad days and good days, just like anyone else. And you just have to trust it enough to keep it around. It’s so much fun to watch you and Chris keeping yours alive – thanks for sharing!
Sarah
Thank you for this, I’m in this same spot, we have a 2 year old and 6 month old and my husband and I are learning how to be the best parents and partners we can be. It’s sometimes a struggle and often a test of patience – so comforting to know we’re not alone.
Jennifer@browneyedandblessed
Amen to that Katie. Sometimes a weekend with each other is just the reset button needed in marriage. Getting out of town for a weekend away (although we don’t do it often) and just spending time with my husband often reminds me of why I love him and love spending time with him. The monotony of going to work everyday, coming home and cooking dinner gets us stuck in a rut and little annoyances start to add up. Getting away from all of that is like a breath of fresh air.
beth
I just wanted to thank you for writing this post. My husband and I are in a different place in our marriage and don’t have children but I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read this. We have knock down drag out fights on occasion too.
But the reason for my thanks tonight is the last paragraph you wrote. I am preparing to go back to school full time and finish my bachelor’s degree while continuing to work full time. I am worried about how this will affect our marriage and how I am going to balance being a wife at the same time. And my husband keeps telling me not to worry.
This post and your last paragraph are a reminder to me that I can do this. I’m going to write out your last post and read it everyday.
Thank you!
Jen @ caved in
It’s such a challenge to find balance between mom/wife/woman. The effect of kids on marriage is intense and sometimes things turn bass ackwards. It takes a lot of patience, love, and commitment to set things right again so I applaud you for taking the time to do just that.
Heather@keepcalmandloveon
I wanted to cry while reading this post Katie.( I still consider myself a newlywed; we have no children and one puppy.) Our first year of marriage was very smooth, not as hard as I’d always heard the first year would be. However, the second year has been a challenge almost from our anniversary trip on. It’s no big huge thing weighing us down, just the tally marks and such. I know that we aren’t alone, but it is so reassuring to hear someone else be honest about their marriage and the struggles they face as a couple. Real life and love is messy, but at the end of the day I’m still so glad I have him to share it with. Thanks for your post today…
Calypso
Clapping at the last paragraph.. well done Katie.. well done.. Bravo.. encore!! encore!!!!
… yes I’m being a dorkinator…
Kendall
This was so well said. Thank you for this post–especially the last paragraph 🙂
Abigail
I’m glad you weren’t so hesitant to post about something like this that you decided not to. I think there needs to be more sharing of how couples work through problems! Marriage isn’t easy, but as you so well show in this post and the last, it’s about working through it and working together. You don’t just give up. Thank you so much for this post Katie and for sharing your struggles and how you have worked through them. I’m sure you have saved at least one marriage though this post.
Waiting for Bulgaria
Such a great post. We only have one child, but with our differing work schedules, adoption paperwork deadlines, church, outside activities, etc., we sometimes feel pulled in 50 different directions. You and Chris were wise to take the time to realize that you needed to reconnect. And while I know you hesitate to give marriage advice, the example you set for others is a great one. It’s one of consistency and making the right choice in spite of whatever your circumstances may be.
Hilary
I am so with you! My hubby and I are both teachers and we recently moved into a new house from a small, cozy condo. Now we have to like, MOW and clean gutters and paint and fix things (it seems like there are million things to fix). But at the end of the day, I remember that the more I have going on in my life, the more I need for the two of us to be a team. So we do what you’re doing. We make time for us. Just us. No matter what we have to do to get it. We love our kids but we can’t be good parents if we aren’t good spouses to each other (no disrespect to the single ‘rents, of course). I think you and Chris are doing an awesome job, and recognizing your need to reconnect as a couple is fantastic!
laurenbtrain
so so well written!! you deserve a lot more credit than you give yourself. you may not think you have advice to share but your openness and honesty does more than you will ever know!!! your advice is pretty swell too 😉
lauren
I have a 26 month old and 7th month old. I love my children but their needs don’t stop until bedtime. I understand how hard two babies can be. I know I can’t take frustration out on my kids– but my poor husband! Thanks for sharing.
My Emerging Adulthood
Katie, Thank you for this post. Yout openness and candid view of the ups and downs of marriage is the best advice you could ever give. Two of my husband’s cousins and one of my cousin’s have ended their marriages this summer. I think they may have learned something from your example of unwavering commitment through rough times.
jenny bird
Thank you for sharing your troubles and reconciliations with us Katie. You’ve mentioned “blooming where you’re planted” before, and you’re right it rings true in marriage too. I pray for compassion and patience, and I will begin praying for grace as well, good call. Best of luck with your new routine and kudos for bringing back the ten second kiss. You’re an inspiration.
P.S. Bean and Gracie look so handsome! I love Gracie’s seahorse dress.
ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
This is beautiful. Thank you very much (and to Chris as well) for sharing with us. No relationship is perfect, but I think it’s what we do with our imperfections that makes love so great.
Sara @ embrylovescookies
Great post and all, but I just have to say that I love Gracie’s dress with the seahorses on it! Way too cute!
Meredith
AHH! Referencing Bloom where you are planted!! I LOVED that post. Still love it. Read it like 10 times. And I love this one.
Thank you!
Paige
Best marriage advice! Hard work isn’t easy and marriage sometimes falls under the category of hard work. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts with your imaginery friends and know we are praying.
britt@knewlywifed
So true. It’s amazing the dynamic that children add to a family. My husband and I find ourselves drowning in diapers and baby food and neglecting each other. We’ve done the same things as you. Cancel our weekend plans and retreat at home, doing nothing and loving it! I love your honesty 🙂
Kimberly @ The Sparks Life
Such a wonderful post. And so true.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Amen! Glad you are in a better place this week. You are doing your kids the very best thing you can for them by taking care of your marriage. Lucky little ones! 🙂
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Glad things are on an intentional upswing. 🙂
Katy @ MonsterProof
Thank you. As always, you’re so open and truthful about things that so many of us deal with and don’t say.
Amanda H
Just added your marriage advice to my favorite quotes on FB. Great advice!.
Kat @ living like the kings
I love how you open up and invite us into these totally sacred marriage moments. Jon and I have been on the go almost continually the past couple of months. And it’s not going to stop until the new year begins. We’ve actually stopped fighting lately, which I think is actually a bad thing since we tend to have little fights once a week and generally feel pretty good and avoid “housekeeping” fights. I am terrified that this means that there is a housekeeping fight looming in our near future.
Donna
Good advice. The advice that gets me by is that somedays you have to choose to love your spouse and your taking that a step futher that you need to choose to put each other first because we get so caught up that we sometimes forget that it should be first.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again…thank you for your honesty. Your commitment to an honest portrayal of marriage is so freeing to so many people. I’m so glad that you guys know that your marriage comes first. That all the schedules and agendas in the world are not nearly as important as working on your marriage and investing in your kids. I hope this week of intentional nothingness is exactly what you need to help get you guys back on your feet. I hope you enjoy every second of it!
Ginna
Great post! You always make me feel better about the challenges I face in my relationship because you normalize them and put them in a better context than is sometimes possible to see when you’re in the midst of the argument or stress itself. I know you’ve recommended some parenting books in the past. Have you read any books on marriage that you would recommend?
Marz
You give me hope in the whole “being married” lifestyle…no joke. Having this sneak peek into what REAL married life is like is preparing me for what is in store for me and I can’t thank you enough for having the guts to put it all out there.
Alaina
I needed this message today for sure because T and I had a similar kind of argument on the way to work. With our baby on the way, new house, constant schedules, we always seem to run into that same problem, and it breaks my heart. We’re approaching our 1 year anniversary this weekend, and I feel like we don’t take the time to just be and be with each other. Just teh two of us (well technically three of us). I appreciate your honesty so much. You have no idea how better this made me feel this morning.
Jessica
Love. This.
thank you.