Peace From Within
I talked with my BFF, Emily, last night. She lives in LA and I live in Florida, so our time zones are a little wacky. It can make actually talking on the phone difficult to sync up. Usually, we text or email, but we try to hear each other’s voices at least once a month or so. I always love talking with Emily. She is one of those uplifting people who seems to always find the silver lining and so when I’m dragging a bit or if I’m in a bit of a hole, Emily is just what I need to pull me out of my funk and shed some much needed sunshine on my situation. I think that’s the best quality in a best friend.
A couple months ago, Emily went through a break up. I haven’t been through a break up in over ten years, but I still sympathize with her. Even though she has lived in LA on her own for over a year now (maybe even two years already? could it be THREE?), I still picture her out there all by her lonesome. So when she went through this break up, I really worried about her being out there all by herself. Silly me. I forgot that because she’s such a positive and fun person, she’s always made friends really fast and she has built herself a nice network of friends out there in the Wild, Wild West. So when we caught up last night, I wasn’t surprised to hear that she has been filling this time after her break up with fun people and things to do.
What I was sort of surprised about was that Emily said for the first time in a long time, she was using this as a time to get to know herself better. She was going to yoga regularly and getting in touch with her spirituality there (Emily is my earth, wind, and fire/vegan/hippie friend…did I tell you that yet?). She’s been spending time alone and doing things that make her happy, instead of working around anyone else’s expectations. Emily sounded happier and more peaceful than she had in a long, long time and I was so proud of her.
And I was also a little jealous.
I can’t tell you the last time I spent time alone. Or the last time I did something that just I wanted to do. Or even the last time the word peaceful could have been used to describe me. And while I wouldn’t trade my family for anything in the world, I did find myself sitting for a minute when I got off the phone and thinking about those few times in the past five years that I have been married where I have spent time focusing just on me.
I’m a firm believer that you won’t be in a satisfied relationship until you know yourself. I think that your partner can do so much for you, but he can’t define you. And I am always skeptical of the phrase, “He knows me better than I know myself.” If you don’t know who you are and what you stand for and what you believe, then I think it’s hard to be in a relationship where you embrace someone else completely. You’ve gotta know yourself before you can know anyone else better.
When I got married, Chris and I had been dating long distance for four years and it was during that time that I got to know myself. Those were the years when my opinions and viewpoints and beliefs were formed, and they were formed independent of Chris. But over the years, I don’t think I’ve gone back and checked in with myself. Grad school, my career, Chris, our house, Bean, moving – something always seemed to get in the way of me finding time to get to know myself again. And I think that’s important. Just like a relationship with a best friend or with a spouse, if you don’t stop every now and then to speak, if you don’t take the time to really listen to yourself, then you can lose that relationship and before you know it, you can’t seem to remember how you feel about issues or what you need in your life to be balanced.
It’s hard though, isn’t it? Taking time for yourself when you are a married, young mom seems pretty selfish. It’s time that I’m not spending with Bean or it’s time that I should be doing laundry or cleaning the bath tub or it’s time that I should be spending with Chris. But maybe, just maybe, making time for myself should become a priority. Yet another priority – doesn’t it seem like there are so many priorities already? But maybe that means that some things that I consider priorities can actually wait for an afternoon while I leave Bean with his grandparents and instead of coming home and cleaning or writing or even instead of sitting down with Chris, I actually spend some time by myself.
I got off the phone with Emily and I realized that what I was jealous about was not her lifestyle (though she leads a pretty fabulous one), it was her peacefulness. The kind of peacefulness that comes only from inside yourself. I recognized it because at one point, I had that peacefulness in me, too. Now, it’s just buried underneath my other priorities.
But it’s probably about time I pulled it out, dusted it off, and made it part of my life again.
33 Comments
Sara @ embrylovescookies
You are so right about it being hard to find peace when you are a wife and a mom of young kids! At least my husband recognizes when I am desperately in need of some alone time. About once a month or so, he watches the kids and I go to the movies… alone. Ok, so it’s not as healthy or spiritual as yoga (although I do consider 3 hours with Leonardo DiCaprio very spiritual), but it definitely keeps me sane.
Erica
This post really resonated with me. The funny thing is, I have no husband or child to explain why I’ve lost sight of myself. I could blame my boyfriend, my job, worrying if I paid a bill, or trying to get my blog & other writing noticed, but I still have a lot of time left that I don’t devote to anything for myself at all. I don’t really take the time to exercise, wear a face mask, sing loud in my living room, or just take a walk or bike ride in the sunshine.
But reading this, I feel motivated to do at least one of those things today, for at least fifteen minutes. Great post, and great friend!
Alaina
I can really relate to what you’re saying here. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t really take advantage of the time when I was single to really get to know myself. I don’t often take a time out just for myself and do the things I love until recently…luckily T has gotten me back to doing that, and I couldn’t feel better about it. It’s truly worth it, even if you have to force yourself to schedule time to do it.
I think that’s awesome that you’re able to keep connected to such a great friend. Great post!
Renee
It’s always important to take time for yourself. I don’t have kids, so I’m sure it’s much easier for me to say that than for you to do it. But I’m glad you’re at least thinking about it–that’s a start. And it’s great that you have a friend to remind you of that too.
Katy @MonsterProof
People think I’m crazy for running at 5:30 am. But that’s my time. Pop on the iPod, and just GO. Sometimes, I think, sometimes, I dance/run (which looks pretty funny), and sometimes? Nutin. But there’s my time to reflect on ME.
Jamie
I was about to advise the same thing. Going for a run is the best solution I can think of. And you kill two birds with one stone!
jaymee
amen, A-men. Thanks for the reminder…I need to do this too. : )
Jen at Cabin Fever
Sounds like you need some time just for yourself. A way to find your Zen. Maybe ask Chris to take on thee Beanster one night and go out and try something new (or old you haven’t done in a while)… whether it be a class, a walk, or shopping. Everyone needs a moment to recharge and redefine themselves!
You can love someone else unless you love yourself and you can’t love yourself if you don’t know who you are!
Cabin Fever in Vermont
Megan (Best of Fates)
I had a whole other comment, but now I’ve read Katy @MonsterProof’s suggestion and can’t stop thinking about it.
Please dance/run.
Please.
Do it for the children.
jessa
dear Katie, i’m usually just a “lurker” but i just had to tell you – this post hits so close to home – your ability to turn feelings into words is incredible. and your bloom where you are planted campaign has also inspired me – thanks for sharing. and Bean’s precious! i think i might just start my own lil journey to happiness!
courtney
So true. Especially, after you have kids. I love my son, wouldn’t trade him for anything, but yesterday seeing another first time mom pregnant got me to thinking about the days before a kid. We went where we wanted and did what we wanted. We had plenty of time to ourselves. Honestly, sometimes I miss that. Not that I don’t love being a mother, but the freedom of not having kids. On the other hand, it does get easier as they get older. And all of this is totally contradictory to the fact that I keep thinking I want another baby.
Katy
Wow. Thanks for the post. My husband and I actually had a conversation about this very subject last night. After some huge life transitions at once (wedding, move & new job) I feel like I’ve completely lost sight of parts of me. Let me know how finding your peace works for you- I’m starting back at the gym today for some alone time-
Kendra
I have been trying to give me some more me time lately and it is tough. I can’t imagine what it would be like with a family.
Molly
GREAT post, Katie. I feel much the same way. I am really happy right now. But when I think about it . . . I am happy with my family life. Not with me. And at the very least shouldn’t I be happy with ME, for goodness sakes?
It’s one thing that I’m not happy with my body. Let’s just say it looks totally foreign to me after incubating two babies. It’s a totally different thing that I’m not happy with my inner self. Who the heck am I? Where am I going? I feel a bit lost in myself and my thoughts, ya know?
And I honestly don’t know HOW to make time for myself anymore. How do I fit it in between being a wife, mom to two babies, full-time employee, sister, daughter, friend . . . the list goes on and on. There aren’t enough hours in the day to just be me! I am really struggling with this fact. Because it does feel selfish to want to just be me. But I also know I can’t stay happy for long if I don’t carve out some time for myself.
Jody
After reading the comments you must know this is a feeling across the world, especially for women. When you were speaking of your friend, I too became jealous of her ability to find peace within. I’d say this is an eye opener for you, and a great one to inspire the rest of us. Thanks for sharing it!
melissa B.
I have been struggling with this feeling lately. I even spoke to my husband about it. I felt selfish for feeling like I wanted my space to remember who I am. After all, I did choose to get married and become one€. But I realized that not taking time for myself has caused me to feel almost rebellious and resentful (not that I have done or would ever do anything rebellious). Anyway, thank you for this post. I needed to know that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. It doesn’t mean I do not love my husband. It just means that I love myself too and deserve to have some self-care€. you know?
Jordy
I love this. Even though I’ve only been married just shy of five months, I find myself struggling with time alone already. I was single and lived by myself for two solid years and it was a time I wouldn’t trade for anything. But now it’s definitely hard to adjust to sharing that space and time with someone else.
Kelley
Emily and I are in the same boat right now! I recently went through a breakup and the best part about all of it is reconnecting with myself. I’m in the kitchen. I’m sewing. I am reading books on the river. I am connecting with all my fabulous friends at fabulous events. I’m watching TV. I’m making dates with myself.
I feel so confident in life because of it.
Make some regular dates with yourself. Find something you love to do, separate from being a wife and mom. You’ll reconnect in a second. And be a better mother, wife, individual for it. Your identity is Katie and it’s not selfish to indulge in spending time cultivating that identity. 🙂
Katie M
I want to see the dance/run too. That sounds amazing!
When I was in college, there was a “Michael Jackson dancer.” He stood on the corners and jived to all the MJ beats. One day I caught him practicing at the gym… you try doing the “Eeee Hee!” Sound and the moon walk on a treadmill! It was then I changed my life aspiration from nurse to the “Michael Jackson dancer.” Needless to say, the MJ days didn’t quite work out for me. I blame it on my white roots.
Jennifer
This post is so true about my life…17 month old, husband, 40 hr work week, dinners, whre is me time???? Sadly the only place I can find peace is in the bathroom with a good Southern Living magazine. My mom told me before my little guy was born to at least do something for yourself each day for 20 minutes, wether it was taking a longer shower, painting your toe nails, quietly reading a magazine. It helps, but sometimes you NEED a whole day to just gather yourself and find some peace. I’m right there with ya.
BFF Emily
My mom, the queen of all spiritualists and the seed to my inner hippie, sent this to me a few weeks ago and I’ve read it over and over finding so much truth to such simple words:
Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
-Lao Tzu
Namaste. 🙂
Laura
What a beautiful quote, Emily! I wrote this one down 🙂 Thanks for sharing it.
Meghan
I’ve been such a slacker at commenting lately, sorry! “Me” time is something I think all moms struggle with. I do love to do yoga once a week, it helps clear my mind and keeps me from aching…
But something I’ve really been working on is embracing “me” time that I didn’t used to “count” as me-time. Like driving with sleeping kids, grocery shopping by myself, or even the 5 minutes it takes to pump gas. And saying a prayer during that time helps me too – nothing long or complicated – just thanking Him for my blessings, asking forgiveness, and praying for my friends and family that might need extra support.
Changing my attitude about what qualifies as me-time, has really helped me have more of it 🙂
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I think spending time on yourself is like an investment. Sure, it may take time away from Bean/Chris/etc NOW… But in the future, you’ll be a much stronger, happier, more satisfied person… which means you’ll be able to be the best mom/wife/etc that you can be.
Leah
Thanks for the reminder. I am learning this same lesson too. Over the last three years since getting married I’ve found myself forgetting my hobbies and interests. This led to a lot of boredom and confusion and some sadness, too.
But I never, ever could blame my husband for my plight. It was completely my fault. And as he became aware of what was going on, my husband finally put his foot down and said that I needed to take time to myself and rediscover my hobbies. He bought me a keyboard for my music, he encourages my blog for my writing, and he buys me books every chance he gets to get me back into nonstop reading.
He’s wonderful, and now, I am becoming more myself in my marriage with him than I was before.
melissa
dear katie,
i empathize with wanting alone time and wanting it NOT to be lieu of other things that could get done. my kid is nine and even now, when she is with her other parent on the weekends i find it a stressful race sometimes to make the most of my weekend. it drives me batty. i could read, but shouldn’t i take a nap? i could nap but shouldn’t i watch a movie? i could watch a movie but the kitchen is dirty. at this point it is more about my neurosis and less about actually having time, but i understand having so much expectations (especially the ones we place on ourselves) that doing one thing always means not doing another thing.
breathe.
love, melissa
Tressa
Just this past weekend I bought my daughter a plaque that says “Do one thing a day that makes YOU happy”. I think we all need reminded of that.
We need to be ourselves, nobody does it better! 😉
I thought of you watering my flowers last evening, I got a bug in my ear! 🙂
Ashley
Honestly, I don’t have a kid or a husband and I’M bad at this! I can only imagine with a kid and a husband added to the mix how difficult it would be. Maybe you and Chris can work something out where each of you gets to have some time alone, at least once a month.
Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s a real reminder of how important it is for each of us to just spend time with ourselves.
Kimberly Loomis~The Musicians Wife
Priorities are hard. Making yourself one is harder. Thanks for the reminder!
Jen C
Its definitely hard to find yourself sometimes when you’ve been in a relationship for so long. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, started dating when we were 18. Its good to know we’re not the only ones trying to get to know ourselves better.
thanks for the post!
Megan
Tears.
Me too.
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
Renee
I totally agree with this post! A little funny though was that the recommended links that I might like was a post you wrote called, “how Motherhood Gave Me Peace”…I don’t even know what it was about…just thought that was funny!
The Hubby Diaries
I absolutely loved this post!
One of the reasons I got married later in life was because I spent a lot of time really trying to figure out who I was. I feel like, for me at least, I needed to learn to define myself without a partner in order to be a better partner when the time came. I can’t agree more with your comment that “you really need to know yourself before you can know someone else better”.
There are 2 phrases that always bother me a bit when people talk about marriage. People talk about having a spouse who “completes them”. I honestly think you need to be complete on your own in order to complement your life with a spouse.
And the other phrase is that when you get married “two becomes one”. Personally I think that when you get married “two becomes too”. You don’t take on each others ideas & beliefs and become one person. You need to share your lives and complement each other. You can always accomplish more as a twosome than you could ever accomplish as an individual!
It’s always good to have a reminder that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of other people!