Priorities and Everything Else
I’ve been asked a few times lately about how Chris and I manage our time as a family. With two full-time jobs, two kids, this blog, two dogs, and all the things those obligations require, it can sometimes get a little overwhelming around here. And, as one blog reader asked, “Do you burn dinner or do the laundry?!?!” How do you set priorities when everything seems like a priority?
When I had Bean and then went back to work, the only way to manage my time was, sadly, to lower my expectations. Sometimes, laundry was going to pile up. Unless I wanted to spend my precious little time at home slaving over the washing machine, there was just no getting around that. And, occasionally, take out was delivered to my doorstep. Sometimes more than once a week…
Now that Gracie is here, my expectations of our household have been lowered even more. Laundry often gets done only when I realize I have run out of burp cloths. Or underwear. And I’m lucky if the floors get swept once a week (and anyone with two dogs can tell you that once a week is NOT enough…). Our veggies frequently come out of Green Giant steamer bags and Tyson should send me a thank you card for all the chicken nuggets we consume around here.
You know, I say that my expectations have been lowered, but that’s not really what is going on, I guess. What’s happened around here is that priorities have been shifted. Laundry is a necessity, but is not a priority. Take today, for example. Every laundry hamper in our house is overflowing. Bean has no clean shorts in his drawers and I’m pretty sure Chris is out of clean undershirts. But, the weather was gorgeous outside and by 11:00 this morning, Chris and I were playing in the pool with Bean. Should I have been doing laundry? Absolutely. That would have been the responsible thing to do. But spending time as a family is a big priority for us and laundry is not. So, the pool wins.
To be honest with you, I’m completely fine with a house that is often in a state of repair. We’re clean enough and we’re clothed in mostly clean clothes. And that’s good enough for me. Take, for example, these pictures of my house at this very second:
This is my kitchen counter. It’s the catchall for things that don’t have a permanent home. It drives me nuts and about once a week, I frantically sweep everything from the counter into the trash can. Then Chris gets mad because I threw out his latest copy of some geeky magazine. Then we fight. Then next week the counter gets messy all over again.
My kitchen at the moment is fairly clean, but no matter the state of cleanliness in our house, Bean’s toys are bound to make an appearance. This time it’s Rex from Toy Story. I think he’s waiting for food to fall, just like my dogs. Evolution at it’s finest.
Since we’ve been spending so much time outside, my back porch and yard are constantly littered with junk. Toys, pool floats, acorns that Bean has collected from the front yard. Thankfully, this mess stays (mostly) in the front yard, so my neighbors still think I’m relatively neat and orderly. Suckers.
And, as we speak, there is a putting green in our living room. It’s been there for three days. Chris has been working on his golf swing and he dragged this out for practice last week. The dogs think it’s a patch of grass and they sprawl all over it like they are napping in the sunshine. Bean thinks it’s a runway for airplanes. Why haven’t I moved it yet? Not sure, really.
I’m okay with all of this most of the time. It’s just the price of living with an active, happy family. But I do tend to panic a bit when family is coming over. My parents never have laundry hanging around and they make their bed every single morning and I’ve never seen them run out of milk in the middle of a recipe. And Chris’s mom is so neat and clean that even her shampoo bottles in her shower aren’t gunked up or tipped over or running down the side of the shower curtain. Our families raised us to be clean, neat people by setting that example for us and so when they come over to visit, I want them to see those qualities in our household, too. But the reality is that our household is in a much different place than theirs. Neither of them have pets or babies or toddlers running around. Neither of them have two working adults in the house. Our house is just very different than theirs right now. And so I’ve had to adjust a little bit and allow myself some slack. I’m doing the best I can and that’s going to have to be enough.
The most important thing for Chris and I is how are kids are raised. I don’t care if they grow up and say, “I always had to dig clean underwear out of the basket in my mom’s room,” but I would feel like I’d failed my children if they grew up and said, “My mom was too busy with laundry to spend time with me.”
24 Comments
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I honestly think this is the area my husband and I fight over the most, and the area he prays I relax in the most when we do have a child. I admire you for this because I’m STILL not sure how on earth I’m going to learn to “chill.”
Heather in ND
I LOVE this!
Waiting for Bulgaria
I have to admit that I’m a clean freak, but I’m learning to relax. With one kiddo at home and one on the way (so to speak), I have to let things go. I always try to get laundry done, especially during the school year when I’m working, but I’m learning to let (some) of the mess go. The important things get done. Dishes get washed and counters get disinfected, but toys sometimes stay out for days on end. And my husband and son manage to scatters socks from one end of the house to the other. It just goes with the territory.
Amy
Love, love, love this post! Thank you for posting those pictures. Sometimes I feel like such the oddball that we let our house become so “lived in” Seems like everyone around us has things so perfectly organized and tidy. I start to wonder what is wrong with our family. Not to mention that so many women that blog make it appear that they are juggling everything perfectly. Thanks, for your honesty!
Sarah
I appreciate this post. I can get down on myself about the cleanliness of my floors, laundry, stuff in the sink. But, like you, I try to remember what is most important. And I also try to keep in mind the idea of “good enough.” No one is coming over to take pictures of my house for Home and Garden magazine. It is clean enough that my daughter can play on the floor, so that is good enough for me!
Marlene
Amen! I did ‘good enough’ and spent time with my daughters as they were growing up. We both worked, too, and I had to make sure MY priorities were in order. One day not too long ago, actually, one of my GROWN UP daughters said to me. “It’s so frustrating! We both work and don’t have kids! You and daddy always have your house clean and neat (we are both employed also and empty nesters). Why can’t WE do that?” I explained that we don’t work as many hours as they do (she is often gone 14 hrs with her job) which makes it easier. She then says “Even while we were GROWING UP & there were 3 kids at home, I NEVER REMEMBER our house being really messy!” Really? REALLY? I remember times sweeping everything that was on the kitchen counters into the luckily empty dishwasher and throwing stuff in their bedrooms so at least the FRONT of the house looked nice! And yelling at them to put their toys in the BACK yard so people didn’t drive by and see the mess! And all the laundry that was shoved in the laundry room with the door closed? REALLY? Don’t remember ANY of that? So see, keep your priorities in line. THEY won’t remember any of the clutter but will remember sleeping out, playing games, having fun, me helping with homework, sewing prom dresses…LISTENING to them. That’s all that really truly matters in the grand scheme of things.
Alaina
I often wonder how I’ll deal when we have kids because I absolutely hate it when things feel out of order. But you’re right in that it’s about priorities and not just necessities. And I think that’s what makes you guys such great parents – you know what to put first and when. And your kids will appreciate it as they grow up….
Jen at Cabin Fever
I completely agree… its all about perspective. The part about digging out clothes, but spending time with your kids versus having clean laundry and not is a great way to word the whole point of this 🙂
Cabin Fever in Vermont
sherene
Thank you for this post, it’s a wake up call.
I’m a neat freako most of the time, to the extent of ignoring my child just for me to finish laundry, cleaning dishes, it’s just so un-motherly. When I’m cleaning our room, I want him out, when I’m at the living room, he should get out for me to concentrate cleaning the area. So bad, ” chill” word is what I need.
danielle
Love it! My house makes your house look really clean 🙂
Janna Beth
Thank you! As I wipe away tears, I can’t help but feel like you just wrote about my life! I always feel like such a failure for not keeping my house spotless…like I was raised to….and most of the time I lash out at my husband because of the the stress I feel about it. So, thank you for shedding some light on the subject, and giving me a glimmer of hope 🙂
Liss
I actually did have to dig through the basket in Mum’s room for clean clothes all through my childhood… And it’s more of a funny memory now, always getting out of the shower and wandering around the house to the various piles of unsorted clean clothes. I’m kind of the opposite to you guys – my family has always been quite untidy, and I somehow ended up being very neat. For me now, laundry is the one job that is always done (because I really like doing it!) and my toddler likes to help with that… I admit, I sometimes have to force myself to leave the cleaning and pay attention to my son, because I just feel better when things are tidy and clean. I’m getting much better at ignoring it, though. Sometimes I even try to appreciate the mess – it reflects a house well-lived in. 😉
laurenbtrain
I totally agree with you!!! My house is always cluttered it seems but I will go for a walk or spend time with my little girl any day before worrying about the mess!! I dont mind messy, but I HATE dirty. So if I have to fold clean laundry or clean the shower, I am going for the shower because I dont like grody stuff in there where as I dont mind a pile of clothes! I love your post and couldnt agree with you more!
Ella
Just what i needed to read right now! Feeling very overwhelmed with trying to stay on top of everything – kids, house etc..Makes me feel very normal!
Jennifer
Thank you once again for helping me to feel normal!
Rebecca @The Reluctant Housewife
Your house looks pretty normal to me…well, minus the putting green in the middle of the living room…I’ve never seen that before, but it still didn’t shock me =) I read/heard {I can’t remember} this quote one time “A perfectly tidy house is evidence of a misspent life”. And I can’t help but to agree. I have a general rule {brad doesn’t know this} with housework and it’s that nothing gets done on the weekend. Weekends are for fun, not cleaning. Oh, and prior to getting married to a laundry fanatic, when I was out of underwear rather than doing the laundry I went to the store to buy some more underwear…so you’re doing better than me!
Brittany
You mean I’m not the only one…lol…I’m learning the same lesson and this is what I needed to feel better about the pile of laundry I’m staring at. I’m a long time lurker, your family is just adorable.
Dessi
I agree with you 1000%!! And luckily, my mom’s motto growing up was, “People should like you for who you are, not what your house looks like.” So yes, there was always dog/cat hair everywhere, dishes in the sink, and laundry to dig through, but I had a wonderful childhood and wouldn’t change it one bit!
Meghan
What a wonderful post! I was one of the people who asked how you do it all and I’m so happy you wrote this post! It’s such a relief to know I’m not alone. I feel so much pressure to be a perfect housewife with the spotless house and dinner on the table. But I work full-time. And so does my hubby. We’re busy and we’re tired. Our 7-month-old daughter is absolutely amazing, but she wears us out!
During the week I only get to see my baby for 3 hours, tops, while she’s awake. So I feel the need to soak up all the time I can with her on the weekends and on weeknights. Sometimes that means the dishes pile up in the sink. Or the laundry sits in baskets waiting to be folded. But everyone is clean and happy and that’s okay in my book. So what if the house is a little messy? It’s lived-in, and I like it that way 🙂 It’s nice to know other wives and Mommies out there agree!
Queen of Whirled
Sweet validation! Thanks Katie!
Melissa
Thank you for this post. Sometimes the state of my house totally overwhelmes me, but at seven months pregnant and chasing my two-year-old around, I just don’t have the energy or the time to make it look its best. You put things in perspective.
Jen @ Caved In
I’ve given myself over to the many things a baby needs. My husband still holds on to a shread of hope that his beautifully designed house will stay immacualte. I hate to burst his bubble but it sure isn’t going to last. Right now,t hings are more confined to an area because Sullivan is only 4 months old but as soon as he starts to crawl, it’s going to get worse. And I’m ok with that.
Tina
I’v read a few things lately that have really helped me in my endeavorer on the home front, one is http://31daystoclean.com/ and the other is http://www.flylady.net/. My home is never perfect but after starting a few simple tasks and keeping up with them, I never have to rush around the house to clean when we have company. And I can just enjoy my children without feeling like my house is a wreck! I also would suggest freezer cooking to you. That is one thing that has saved me many times when the day is hectic, 3 kids, a home business, husband, and homeschooling can keep me from making dinner trust me! But freezer cooking and also the crock pot is a life saver in making sure we eat well.
Alex
I was thinking about this today as I looked around at my six unpacked bags from our recent trip to California with a toddler and newborn in tow. Its a hard balance, to not hyper-obsess over having a house that is perfect by the books yet still somehow find time to spend time with your family and make memories that really matter. I have noticed that some days I pick cleaning the kitchen over a walk to the park, and others I could care less about the two week old lasagna in the fridge because running in the sprinklers with my two year old is worth so much more to me. Thanks for posting this 🙂