Enough.
I’ve been a little down for the past two weeks. Chris and I were going through some stuff that I’m not quite ready to share yet. I’ve had a terrible cold. We’re closing in on a big standardized writing test for my students in the next week, and I’m worried about them. And on top of it all, I’ve been missing my dad more than normal. I just feel all out of whack. My house is a mess, my purse is a mess, and my hair is a mess. It’s just been a few of those weeks, you know?
I’m really trying to focus on joy this year. And that’s all well and good when things are well and good. But it’s a lot darn harder to hold on to that joy when things are messy.
One of the things I’m really struggling with are comparisons. When I am truly happy and everything is in a good place, it’s very easy for me to be confident in what I am and what I have. But when those periods of unrest come, one of the things I struggle with is comparing myself to others and then feeling guilty. Honestly, that is the root of my problems, I think. I’ll be just fine with what I have, and then I’ll see someone else do it differently – not even better, just different – and I’ll start to question myself. Did I do that right? Could I have done that better? Should I have done that different? Why is their way so much better? And so on, and so on.
I go through low points, like everyone else. Nothing major. Just the normal ebbs and flows of life. And when I’m down, it’s usually anxiety that has brought me low. I’m anxious about something that’s unresolved or unsettled in my mind. And at the root of that anxiety are comparisons to others and even to my own self. I get really frustrated with myself over it, too. Which leads to more self doubt. Which leads to more comparisons. Which leads to more anxiety.
It’s exhausting, I tell you!
Right now a major source of real comparison for me is running. I’ve basically stopped running. I get out maybe once a week, if that. And I don’t even enjoy it anymore. I don’t enjoy it because I’m comparing where I am now to where I used to be. I used to be able to run six or seven miles at a time. Now, I’m back down to two at the most. And even then I feel like I’m dying. It wouldn’t really be such a big deal for me to start running again if I could just let go of comparing myself to a year ago. A lot has happened since then. And it’s okay for me to let my body take a break. But carrying this guilt around with me over it defeats the purpose of a break. Now, I no longer feel rested and rejuvenated, like a good break will do for you. I feel guilty and frustrated.
I’ve also been comparing myself to other moms, which does no one any favors. I see other choices they make in their family and I wonder if I’m making the right ones in mine. And then I sit up all night questioning and worrying about my kids and my parenting, when the reality is that I’m a damn good mother. In fact, I’m the perfect mother for my kids. If only that little voice in my head that tells me to look over there at that other family would just shut up and sit down.
I heard Joel Osteen say one time that you are living the right life for you. That if you picked yourself up and put yourself down into someone else’s life with the exact same circumstances as they had, it still would not work out right for you like it had for them. Likewise, if someone came into your life and stood in your exact same shoes, your life would not work out for them like it has for you. Because their life was created for them, and your life is created for you. So, coveting someone else’s circumstances is silly because those are not your circumstances. They were never intended to be your circumstances.
I’m trying to remind myself of that this week. That my life is wonderful, as it always has been. And that everything is how it should be. Even the low days. Those are supposed to be there. Even the mornings when I get so mad at myself because I won’t get out of bed to go run. Those mornings are supposed to be there. Even the kids throwing up all over the dinner table (totally happened tonight… not cool…) and stepping on the Legos in the middle of the night. Those things are supposed to happen. Because that’s my life.
So, I can’t afford the nicest things, and sometimes I serve dinner out of a box, and my pants fit tighter than they did last month. Those are all part of my life. And I truly, deeply, passionately love my life. Even those parts of it that I compare to others.
What I have is more than enough. And that’s enough for me.
38 Comments
Alaina
I can relate to this all too well. I’ll be praying for whatever it is that you and Chris are going through. And you are one awesome Mom. You have a couple of very lucky kiddos there. Or at least that’s my opinion 🙂 Take it or leave it..
Colie
I LOVE that idea- that your life is the one created for you, and you can’t smoosh yourself into someone else’s. So hard to live by in real life, though. I’m a teacher, too, and I think we have an especially hard time with the comparison game, just because we are encouraged to compare ourselves to one another and kiddos are involved. Sigh. I’m thinking of you, imaginary friend.
Mary
Must be something in the air…or it’s just motherhood…either way, I hear you. I’m not running, I’m getting caught up in what others are doing or have, I’m anxious about, well, just about everything it seems! You are not alone! I, too, wish I could tell that stupid voice to shove it – maybe I will be able to in time. Thanks for sharing!
Renu
There are times where we feel very low..but please remember all this learning make a person stronger..hugs..
Beth
I totally identify with you, except for the running. And while I am not a big Joel Osteen fan, that quote is so spot on! I am going to write that one down so I can see it everyday as a reminder. xoxo
Dessi
It stinks that you are feeling this way but the clouds will pass! I had a phase of doubt, of feeling guilty, of comparing myself to others and even to the person I thought I would have been (career wise). And with the help of my husband, I found that who I turned out to be is all I ever wanted, to be mom. Nothing glamorous. I’m average, my house is messy and I have to scoop dog food out of my one year old’s mouth on occassion. But I rock! And so do you! Great big cyber hug!
Bethany
THANK YOU!!!!!!!! You have no idea. xx
Jen @ Ginger Guide
The comparison game sucks. But it’s hard to not continue down that vicious cycle once it has begun. Hang in there Katie, my strong ginger sister!
sdr
I’ve been there on the running thing–trust me, it will get better. I started running after my seven year old was born and was instantly hooked, and since then I’ve been consistently a 25-35 mile/week girl and have done several marathons and even a few ultra marathons. Then a year and a half ago we moved halfway across the country and over the course of getting our house ready to sell, selling the darn thing, living in temporary housing and then moving our family from NJ to TX I didn’t do *anything* for about six months. Once we finally were settled and the next week the kiddos started school and I was going to jump back into the running thing. And oh my good Lord it was hard. First day out was pretty much what you described; I could barely go two miles and my lungs felt like I’d been a two-pack a day smoker for years. Running had been my “fun” thing and now suddenly it was HARD. And to make it worse that year I’d already signed up for the Goofy Challenge (part of WDW’s marathon weekend every January) and that hefty entrance fee was going to become a huge bone of contention with my husband if I bailed.
Bottom line is that yes it was hard–I think getting to four miles was really the worst of it. There was much moaning and complaining and words said I wouldn’t repeat in front of my children. But after that it really did get MUCH better…muscle memory kicked in and I was able to get back to where I’d been the spring before and jump into training. The first two weeks will be the hardest, but if you can make yourself do 2-3 miles/run, 4x week for those first few weeks you’ll end up bouncing back pretty quickly. Good luck!
Katie
Thank you for this post, as much as you doubted posting it, it’s something I needed to read. I think it’s one of those things, we always compare ourselves to others or the other we think we should be. I had never heard that quote by Joel Olsteen. It hit me so hard I had to read it twice, then cry a little bit. I think I’ve spent so much time comparing my life to what I think it should be right now, I’ve had a hard time focusing on the amazing blessings God has given me. Even if you second guessed posting this tonight, God knew others needed to read it. Thank you so much for sharing.
Christy
I relate to this so much. It’s so hard not to compare yourself to others and I find it shocking that you feel inadequate, because I’d love to be where you are right now (in terms of kids, a house, promising career, etc)…but everyone does it! However, isn’t funny that we tend to make upward comparisons instead of downward? The other day I gave someone a ride and it reminded me of a time back when I didn’t have a car. My car isn’t in the best shape and I complain about the cost of gas but….I have a working car! However, the upward comparisons can be good if they lead you to set goals and help paint a picture of what you’d like to change or improve in the future. However, getting down on yourself just leads to sadness and anxiety and doesn’t help at all. I understand the psychology of it but I struggle with it daily. Dumb feelings. P.S. I think you’re an amazing mother and you look great…I don’t know what you’re worried about! I know, I know…everyone’s their own worst critic. ; )
Kristin
I do this too. When I notice that it’s really getting me down, I pay less attention to social media, etc. Just remember, a lot of people only post the stuff online that they want to “brag” about – something that makes them feel good about themselves but often makes others feel inadequate. Ryan has to remind me about that a lot. My biggest sensitive spot are those that are lucky enough to get to be SAHM – and I feel like a terrible mom because I work. Basically, you’re not alone, and I’m glad that I’m not alone either. 🙂
Sara
Oh, Katie – the comparison game gets all of us. Just do you, girl.
Sharlee@believinginsomething
Oh, Katie! I’m so with you. I totally understand. It’s nice to hear that someone else has those weeks (not days, weeks) where purses are disaster and so it feels like everything else is. Also, I am so there with comparison to ourselves and to others. It is pure misery. I’m excited to go through and read some of these comments to see if there’s some excellent advice out there for those of us who struggle with this. I could SO relate to this post.
Sarah H.
Aww Katie. BIG Hugs! I don’t think the internet makes it any easier with the comparison game. I refuse to go on Pinterest. Week days I get less than 2 hours a day with my kid. And while that would make most people cringe, it works for us. I do want to say I always have respected you for not just sharing the good and shiny things on your blog. Your blog and life are real. We can’t ALWAYS be confident and happy! Take some time for reflection and move on and know tomorrow is a new day 🙂
Shell
I would be very interested to see what you and Chris are going (or went) through. I like to read the good AND the bad…not just that everything is perfect, communication is great, yada yada yada. I want real stuff, hence “marriage confessions”. I don’t have kids, so I am very interested in the relationship aspects, and all its changes through the years. Plus, I feel more connected if your struggles are real in a relationship. Just my 2 cents. Thank you
Brenna
Katie,
I’ve been doing this my whole entire life. For me, I always felt like I was less fortunate than others. Divorced parents, living on welfare while my mom busted her butt to go back to school and support 4 daughters, having only 2 pairs of jean each year of high school….the sob story could go on and on. And it was hard, no doubt about it. Then I got myself through college and found a wonderful man and got married. Had the perfect job and a cute little condo. Pregnant with the first and then BAM…I got cancer. I was just so angry at life and God. Why, when I had tried to hard to rise above all the circumstances of my life, did I keep getting the crappiest things? Why did my friends all have perfect families, healthy bodies and bright futures ahead of them and I got stuck with cancer during my pregnancy??!! The answer came slowly. 1 baby boy, 6 months of chemo, several surgeries, 1 unclean scan, more surgery, 4 clean scans…and I started to realize that I had gained a whole heck of a lot that I didn’t realize I had. Not necessarily confidence, but appreciation and then peace. I still compare (especially my body) but there are things I’ve learned that I wouldn’t trade with anyone in the world for any other set of circumstances that I could choose from. For some reason, women seemed programmed to compare and guilt themselves for anything they feel is lacking. I don’t know why that is, but learning to push that aside and allow yourself some grace is a powerful thing, I’d rather have that than a perfect body (or something else) any day. You’ve had a rough couple of years, but I am sure you’ve learned things that you’ll appreciate knowing for each day of the rest of your life. You’ll make changes that you might not have made if you hadn’t experienced what you did. These experiences, however painful and maybe somewhat unnecessary feeling, will sculpt you into an even better person than you could have ever imagined yourself being at the start of it all. Just keep plugging through. Sometimes, that’s just all you can do until you get to the other side of it.
Jess
This is why you are the most relateable blogger out there. You`re so real about the things all of us go through. I play the comparison game, and it is so, so hard to stop even if we technically know better. Love your blog.
Kate
I struggle with some of the same thoughts – especially about comparing myself to others. I came across this quote last week by Steven Furtick that I really liked: “One reason we struggle w/ insecurity: we’re comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Kimberly M.
Katie – you have so completely pinpointed so many of the feelings I have been having lately. You have an amazing way with words. I hope you are able to lift out of your funk, and maybe knowing that you reach so many people and lift them up with your words will help. You’ve certainly lifted me up, knowing that I’m not alone feeling the way I do sometimes. Thank you for putting it all out there, I know that can’t be easy. But I appreciate it.
Kristinia
I think everyone that reads this post will say the same thing. “we needed to read this”!! Comparision is so hard to not do and to really only look at our paths not that of others is a struggle. Praying for you in that as much as I am praying my way through it too.
Katy
I so needed to read this today…it is nice to know that I am not the only one going through these same feelings right now. But thank you for reminding me that this life is perfect for me…this is how God planned for me to live it…and I have so many blessings that others would love to have.
Morgan
You know why I like you? Because you are a normal person, who does normal things, and has normal problems. You are keepin’ it real, man. And I appreciate that.
Angie
I struggle with this too. A lot. Right now is one of my good moments, and I’m feeling content with my lot in life. Other weeks, not so much. I always turn to music … it’s a me thing. One of the songs that comes up on my running playlist, even though it’s slow is Kenny Chesney’s “I’m Alive” because it reminds me that: “”And today you know that’s good enough for me/Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?/Today’s the first day of the rest of my life/And I’m alive and well” Even if you don’t dig country music, I would wager a bet that this song will hit home with you. It reminds me that when I am stuck feeling like I don’t measure up, to focus on the littlest things (like breathing) and this too shall pass. Warm fuzzy thoughts your way. XOXO.
Hope
Honest post, as usual. It’s hard to be disciplined about things like Joy and Love. For me it is choosing love even when I don’t feel it. As a newlywed that lesson isn’t easy. To love when hubby isn’t so lovable. In your case to choose Joy when you aren’t feeling joyful. To see the bigger picture is just hard at times. I also really recognize the comparison thing. I have no need to look around when I feel great and things are going great, but how easy to go there when it’s the opposite. We are so human! But I pray God’s Spirit upon us as we try and be disciplined and choose beyond our feelings.
Love to you!
molly
It’s okay to feel down. Don’t be too rough on yourself about the running. I would recommend trying something different like a workout video or something! Switch things up a bit.
I love Joel Osteen. Doesn’t he just make you feel better when he talks?
Here’s hoping you’re feeling more like yourself soon.
Jody
Thanks for this post, Katie. I’ve been reading your blog since Bean was born,and I needed to read these words today. For me, I lost my husband 2 yrs ago, and know the loss you feel in losing your father. It’s hard sometimes to have a marriage when nerves and energy are stretched in so many different directions. Thank you so much for helping me to laugh, smile, and pull myself up sometimes. Love seeing your kids’ smiling faces!!!
HUGS!
Kari
Sending hugs to you, Katie. Life is HARD at times, it really is. Since last March, I have gone through the hardest period of my life (the result of a cheating husband). Through the past 11 months, I have felt every emotion possible, even contemplating suicide at times. Things are getting better. I’m on anit-depressents which have helped immensely, and I’m starting to accept what my life is and what I have been faced with. We are working through this horrible season of our marriage, and through all of the hard times, I have learned a lot about myself. And *gasp* our marriage is becoming stronger in many aspects than it was previously. One thing I did think about when reading your post was a new book that just came out. I have not read it, but it’s on my t0-read list. It’s called “No More Perfect Moms” by Jill Savage. It does have a Christian perspective as well, so I thought you’d possibly find it a worthwhile read.
HeatherM
First of all, I want to say I am SO excited you are back to running at all. (When you first started running you inspired me to start running too. And I’ve done the first 6 weeks of Couch to 5K about 3 times, and now I’ve joined a Couch-to-5k group because I could never make it to the 5k on my own). You have been through SO much this year. While it can be challenging to set a goal and work towards it and achieve it, it is MUCH harder to fall down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and limp back towards your goals.
On the running front, you sound just like every other runner I know who takes a break from running- and I know a LOT of runners who take breaks from running. Like every female runner I know that gives birth- they take about 10 months off while pregnant and post-partum. And then almost all of the runners in the midwest take winters off too, because running is no fun when it is 11 degrees outside. You are not the first person to start back at square 1, and this won’t be the last time you do it either. Instead, you are exactly where God wants you to be right now in every facet of your life- and there is joy and comfort to be found in that fact. In some ways this reminds me of your mission to bloom where you are planted, a couple years back. These are the circumstances into which God has planted you right now- and your mission is to bloom (and find joy) in the midst of these circumstances. You’ve done that before and I have no doubt you will again. Keep blogging about your progress- it helps us more than you know!
jenny-bird
I recently rose out of a low point. The most frustrating part of the low points, for me, is that I know that my negative attitude is feeding my anxiety. That, if I could just get over myself, I would be happy. Yet, that knowledge isn’t motivating but rather it’s depressing. The clouds will pass, as you know. Best wishes until then.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
I love that you know that you’re a damn good mom.
Brina
Katie, I so completely understand the running. I haven’t been able to run (or read) since the events of last month. I even had to sell my half-marathon spot, which I was supposed to run this Saturday. It made me incredibly sad to do so, but eventually I just had to let go of the guilt and anxiety of running. I hope to get back into it soon, but only when I am ready. Good luck getting back into it!
Lindsay Campbell
What a wonderful and timely post. LOVE this. I can totally relate. Thanks so much for sharing such a wonderfully honest post!
Beanie and Gracie's Nana
I certainly don’t have any solutions to these irritating emotions of inadequacy, envy, lack of confidence and feelings of self-worthlessness. You can see from the comments, it’s a universal issue. I would like to share the perspective from a mother of 30 years. What you are describing is “world plan” which has created an image of perfection that can never be achieved …..which inevitably causes is to continually obsess on the ways we fall short. It’s a dangerous and luring downward spiral that can easily cause us to lose sight of our true uniqueness and appreciation for what we are at the core. God’s plan focuses us on how much more we have than most and calls us to share the gift of who we are with others. There are no perfect marriages, nor children with no tantrums, families with all the money they will ever need and the perfect job. Only the “world’s plan” paints that fairy tale. Chase something worth catching…..this isn’t it.
jamie
From this “Nana” to B&G’s Nana…God love’s you all and I continue to pray for you all…you are so right about All of it!!! Love to you all!!!
adrienne
Katie, it’s funny that you should say this because I find myself comparing me to YOU! You’re an inspiration to me as a mother and a wife, and I thank you for continuing to share bits and pieces of all points in your life with us, your imaginary friends.
Hilary
Don’t you just love Joel Osteen? That man always hits the nail on head. However, women are much harder on themselves than men. When I start focusing on the “am I a good mother” thing, I take an objective look at my children. Do they probably watch too much TV? Yep. Do they always eat fruits and vegetables? No. Are there times when they act up? You bet. But I know they are great kids. They are happy, well-adjusted, healthy, smart and caring little people. And most important of all, they know I love them. Keep fighting the good fight! Remember God created you to be YOU, with all your talents, gifts, faults and flaws. And He loves us more than we can imagine. Let Him remind you how precious you are, just as you would Bean or Gracie if they were feeling down: Psalm 139: 13-16.
kat
I think you just wrote everything I’ve been feeling down on this here little internet space. Oh Katie…….it’s so hard. Hard to feel enough. Hard to stop anxiety. Hard to clean up a mess when you feel like life’s too messy and you don’t even know where to begin and then you just throw your arms up in the air, sit down on the couch with a cup of tea and chocolate and just feel anxious. Ok that might just be me.