Can You Hear My Tears?

Can you hear that?

Listen again.

There.  Did you hear that one?

Those are my tears falling down my plump cheeks and onto my plump tummy as I think about leaving two boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my kitchen pantry uneaten because…

I’M STARTING A DIET DETOX.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the HUMANITY of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imaginary friends, come sit on my couch with me for a minute.  Kick off your shoes, have a glass of red wine (even though I have four bottles of white in my fridge right now that someone needs to drink because I don’t like white wine and I’m not even sure how those bottles got in my fridge in the first play…), and let’s chat.  I need to tell you something.

In the past two years, I have gained…(gulp)… (wait, I need a sip of wine)… (and another)… 30 POUNDS.

30 pounds, y’all.  That’s like Daisy.  That’s like carrying Daisy around with me all day long.  Only less wiggly and more squishy.

30 pounds.  That’s like carrying three 10-pound bags of ice.  And I can barely lift one of those suckers!

I don’t even know how it happened.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I know exactly how it happened.  I used to run so that I could eat cupcakes.  But then I stopped running and I continued to eat cupcakes.  And chips.  And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (one of my favorites!).  And cake.  And ice cream.  And bagels with cream cheese (and not the lite kind, either.  I’m not an animal, you know…).  It’s been like a two year state fair of food in my life and my body has paid for it.

I’m tired, sore, stiff, pimple-y, plumpy, and none of my clothes fit.  For a while, I could still stuff myself in my pants because my tops were loose enough, but now, even those loose tops are starting to not fit anymore.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the HORROR of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the past year, I’ve tried a few different diets for periods of time.  I did low calorie, but didn’t lose anything.  It just kept me from gaining.  I did Weight Watchers for a few months with my mom and sister and I lost 10 pounds, but couldn’t drop anymore.  (Incidentally, I’ve gained those 10 back.  Sad face.)  I’ve also tried the ol’ “I’ll just eat healthy” diet, and that worked until about 5:00 every afternoon, and then I’d stuff my face when I got home.

So, beginning tomorrow, I’m going back on my faithful diet detox.  I have been doing this detox about twice a year for three years now.  I absolutely love it.  First, it drops weight fairly quickly.  But secondly, it gives you TONS of food, so I’m never hungry.  Except for the first three days, which are the detox part.  For the first three days, I can only eat raw vegetables, a little bit of fruit, and green smoothies (which are really just raw vegetables and a little bit of fruit blended together).  By the fourth day, I get to add a hard boiled egg, and every time I do this diet, that hard boiled egg is, like, the greatest food on earth by day three.

Every time I do this diet, blog readers and instagram followers ask me to post the diet.  I have always felt weird about doing that because I paid for a bootcamp program one year and the diet came along with that, so it felt weird to just GIVE AWAY this fitness trainer’s diet plan.  But, the guy who owned the fitness camp has since shut it down and so I don’t feel so bad about sharing the menu now.

WEEK ONE:

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday

• Breakfast – Green smoothie (spinach, blueberries, pineapple in mine)
• Lunch – 2 cups raw veggies; 1 cup raw fruit
• Dinner – Spinach salad with veggies and no dressing
• Only water to drink
• On days you work out, you get an extra banana with your smoothie (YIPPIE!)

Thursday

• Breakfast – Green smoothie
• Snack – Hard boiled egg and 1/4 cup raw almonds
• Lunch – 3 oz grilled chicken over spinach salad with veggies and 1 tbs lite vinegarette
• Snack – 1/4 cup cottage cheese and 1/2 peach (I hate this snack, so I have the AM snack again)
• Dinner – Grilled salmon with spinach salad with veggies and 1 tbs lite vinaigrette

Friday

• Breakfast – Green smoothie
• Snack – 3 stalks of celery w/ 2 tbs almond butter
• Lunch – egg salad (4 hard boiled eggs, 2 yolks, 1 tsp dijon mustard) on 2 pieces of Ezekiel bread (which I never have, so I use 100% whole grain instead)
• Snack – Apple
• Dinner – 3 oz salmon/wild fish, 1/4 cup brown rice, 1 cup steamed broccoli

Saturday  (TREAT DAY!)

Sunday

• Breakfast – veggie omelet (3 eggs, 1 yolk, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms), 1/2 cup fruit
• Snack – 2 tbs hummus, 1-2 cups merely/carrots/cucumbers
• Lunch – Spinach salad with veggies and 1 tbs lite vinaigrette, 1/2 cup raw nuts
• Snack – Green smoothie
• Dinner – 3 oz. chicken breast, 2 cups steamed veggies

I’ll post week 2 and 3 as I get to them, but that’s what I’ll be eating this week.  I actually like being told what to eat.  It takes the guessing and cheating out of it for me.  I can’t be trusted when I diet, really.  But if it’s all laid out for me, it’s hard for me to cheat.  Plus, I like this diet because it’s just good, healthy food.  And after the first three days where I feel like I’m going to shrivel up and die, the good, healthy food actually tastes like heaven!

But no matter what diet I am on, it won’t work if I am not exercising.  Boo.  I’m setting my alarm tomorrow morning so that I can get up and start walking.  I’ve got an audio book all ready to listen to and I’m actually looking forward to some quiet time in the mornings by myself.

I’m taking this one week at a time.  So, that’s my plan for this week.

My plan for next week?  Look like a supermodel.