The Cost of Marriage
I haven’t been sleeping good lately. In fact, as I write this post it is 4:22 AM and I am wide awake sitting in my living room. Some of it is because I have a terrible head cold and being pregnant, I can’t take anything for it. Not being able to breathe really puts a cramp on your sleeping patterns, among other things. But I’ll be honest, most of the reason I haven’t been able to sleep lately has been money.
Let me start all this off by saying that Chris and I have 2 solid, good paying jobs. We bought a house this year that, thankfully, we can afford (not many people can say that these days). We have 2 cars, but only 1 car payment. Our dogs get new bones every week. We’re doing okay by any one’s standards. So this is not an attempt to cry poor. But, like everyone else lately, we are starting to feel the strain. In fact, the bigger my belly grows the more of a strain we are feeling. My belly is the constant reminder that our financial world is about to be rocked.
When Chris was in graduate school, we lived on my one income and we lived pretty good. We stayed within our means, but we also prioritized things like traveling, big dinners, and weekends away. We could do this because we didn’t have too many financial commitments. On the flip side of all that spending, we were also able to put a lot of money into savings. That was a big priority for us. And we gave monthly to my favorite charity, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. In short, there wasn’t much we weren’t able to do.
And then Chris graduated and got a job that paid just about as much as mine did, doubling our income. Knowing that the smartest thing to do with this newfound paycheck was to invest it, we bought our first house. A nice house. A house that most people our age wouldn’t have been able to afford. We were thankful to the Lord for this blessing, and we happily committed ourselves to a mortgage payment.
The problem was that we didn’t adjust our spending to make room for this enormous new responsibility. We were still enjoying traveling whenever we wanted, weekend trips to New York, and we started spending on new things to fill this house. Top of the line electronics, computers, sound systems, the Man Cave. Even the dog’s kibble was upgraded. And still we were able to afford this to some extent. True, we weren’t saving as much as we used to, but we were still living within our paychecks. The only difference was that now we were truly living paycheck to paycheck. And while we had been once again blessed to have great jobs, our lifestyle was rapidly deteriorating the size of our paychecks.
Enter the Bean.
When I got pregnant, things didn’t change so much financially for us. Sure, I was eating a lot more, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t cost all that much to be pregnant. But the bigger my belly got, the more acutely aware we became that one day – soon – this Bean would be a Baby. And he would need diapers and food and clothes and daycare. He would be the most expensive 2 foot tall investment we’d made yet. Also about this time, the 6 month grace period on our student loans expired and we began to receive these ugly bills every month. Ugly to the tune of about $600 a month. Very, very ugly.
Now, neither of these things is a negative or a negotiable. Baby Michael is not in any way a burden to us. His daycare payment, however, will be a bit of a pain the butt. We are looking at paying around $250 a WEEK for daycare. That’s an extra $1,000 a month. And our student loans paid for 2 masters degrees – one from Yale University. Neither of us would have the nice paychecks we enjoy without these student loans, and so its always a little bittersweet to write that enormous check every month. Nevertheless, these 2 things were drastic wake up calls for us. When you are already living paycheck to paycheck and suddenly you are forced to add in an additional $1,600 a month in expenses, you realize very, very quickly that something is going to have to change. Something would have to give in order to accommodate these 2 new costs.
In the grand scheme of things, we are lucky because at least we have decent salaries to budget within. But in truth, it doesn’t matter how big your paychecks are every month. Cutting back – on whatever scale you live on – is never easy. And that’s where we are right now. We are having to cut back on an enormous scale. I have spent the past month staring at our checking account, really examining where we are spending our money and I’ve learned that scaling back for us is not going to be all that difficult, in theory. We eat out a lot, I don’t pack my lunch, we go to concerts and sporting events and Broadway shows, we buy things for the house, we don’t car pool, we take our dogs to the groomers, and we continue to travel. If you add all these things up, we more than recoup the costs we need for daycare and student loans each month. But the trouble I was having was how to make these cuts. How do we get disciplined enough when we have been living like kings for the past 4 years?
And that’s when I remembered my parents and my Aunt and Uncle suggesting a book that they had all read. Its a financial philosophy based on the Bible and its called “Financial Peace.” Dave Ramsey is a financial guru who believes that the US in general is living above their means. They are considering extra expenses to be necessities. They are trying to keep up with the Jones. And in the process, they are losing their homes, their retirement, and, in many cases, their marriages. His theory is that 50 years ago, people lived happier lives because they lived more meager lives. They had no debt. They paid outright for major purchases (including their homes). They found extravagance in the little things. Essentially, Dave Ramsey believes we need to return to the basics. And he bases this all on Scripture.
This was exactly what I needed. I needed some peace of mind. I needed some patience and goodwill. I needed some blessings. And I needed to know what the crap to do with my checking account. And I found answers to all of this in Dave Ramsey’s book. I picked up the book only this week, but already I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders a little bit. True, I’m still waking up at 4:00 AM thinking about daycare and diapers, but at least now I have some sense of peace and I know that I can get this situation under control. That doesn’t make it any easier. That doesn’t mean that Chris and I are always going to agree on what things can be sacrifices and what things can’t. That doesn’t mean its not going to suck when I have to climb my pregnant booty into the shower to wash my own dogs instead of taking them to the groomers. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to hate every turkey sandwich I pack for lunch everyday. But blessings are rarely easy to receive. The Lord has provided a door, and now we have to be responsible enough to walk through it.
I’m not writing all of this to influence someone or motivate someone and certainly not to set an example. I’m writing this because this is my journal, and the way I think through situations is to get them on paper (er…computer screen). I thought about just writing it for myself and not posting it for all the world to judge and know. But then I realized that we probably (and hopefully!) are not alone. Maybe the mistakes we have been making are common mistakes for young, married couples. And maybe there is someone else out there is awake at 4:00 AM thinking about money, and they’ll read this and know that at the very least, they aren’t alone.
So, I’ll continue to chronicle this new financial path we are blazing for ourselves. Not daily, or weekly, or even monthly. But whenever we hit a speed bump or experience a small victory, I’ll share that with you.
Because, you know, we’re, like, friends.
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For more information on Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace,” check out his website daveramsey.com or his book on Amazon, The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Financial Health.
21 Comments
unexpectedthankyou
thank you for being so open. We are going through a similiar financial situation. Different story, same outcome.
Betty
1. I love the name Michael.
2. I completely understand. I love Dave Ramsey’s financial peace. Our church from home offered that to us. And as for staying up late talking about finance, ironically, Matt and I did the same thing last night. (ok, maybe fighting, but you know…)
3. hope you have a great day and start feeling better.
bookishpenguin
I think more people need to be honest like this. I have a Masters but, unfortunately, all it has netted me is a job that pays less than I earned before I had my B.A.. I wasn’t counting on that and so now my husband and I are really working to pinch pennies since my student loan payments aren’t even getting me what they’re worth, really.
All we can do right now is hang on and hope that things pick up over the next couple of years. Maybe he and I can both find better-paying jobs when there are more jobs available.
I know sometimes (well, often) just writing out makes me feel better. I hope this made you feel better.
Jenn
Hmmm, I actually was up at about 4:30am fretting about similar circumstances, minus the baby. I’ll check out the book!
Colleen
Turkey Sandwiches suck but there are really yummy take-to-work lunches that are better for you (and your tastebuds) than turkey sandwiches. If you want some suggestions, let me know.
~Colleen
Kristen
I’m so glad you’re reading Dave’s book! We too are on that same path to financial freedom and I can’t wait to be able to scream “WE’RE DEBT FREE!” We’re going through the class and we just paid off our first debt yesterday (it was really small but hey, it’s a start, right?).
psa37
This may, or may not be an encouragement to you‚ ¦
When Josh and I were married we lived on practically nothing for the first 6 months because we had spent most of Josh’s student loan for that term on the wedding. We did all the usual things to try and save money, but because I am a volunteer, once all the bills were paid we had very little for any of the extras that often crop up. However, during that time we really learned to trust God and rely on him to provide for us, and He really did. We regularly would receive money from totally unexpected places and at unexpected times, but just when we needed it. We even got given £200 anonymously just before Christmas, when we weren’t even sure we would be able to buy gifts for people. We hadn’t told anyone we had money problems either.
It’s really helped me to stop worrying about things. Even though we are currently having to tighten the purse strings, and sometimes we are having to go without the latest clothes and gadgets and luxury foods, I know that God will always provide enough for our needs, and often far beyond our needs too.
Lori
You know what helps ease your trouble in the middle of the night? Frozen waffles 🙂
But seriously, I hear you on the financial front. Aaron and I haven’t begun our daycare search mostly because we don’t know if one of us (or possibly both of us) will be laid off before the baby arrives.
Good luck!
emilyroseposts
There was a story on the news the other day about nontraditional ways to make some extra cash. I suggest the following: 1) Sell your hair. Evidently, they pay big bucks on eBay for that stuff and who in the world has that same beautiful shade to offer? 2) (And this may be one for Chris, given the whole baby thing) Sell your plasma. Different from donating blood, you get PAID for it and you can do it once a week! 3) Become a mystery shopper. Hello?!?! Win win.
Gina
You know what other book is very good and comforting, Suze Orman’s recent release. Oprah’s website had it in a free .pdf format for download in Jan.
I’m sure its gone by now, but if you want a copy, I have it, just email me!
Katie
i LOVE that you posted this. the same thoughts keep me up at night, minus the baby (so far). glad i’m not the only one.
i you have any helpful tips, i’m all ears!
Emily
I like what ‘unexpectedthankyou’ said – different story, same outcome! We’ve been really scrutinizing our spending too and (although I hate to say it) it really is a relief to see that other couples are experiencing the same things. Thanks for the tip on Dave’s book – I’ll have to check it out!!!
Katie
Gulden’s Honey Mustard will take a turkey sandwich a long way. Trust me!
archiveslives
Amazing. When Poor Kyle and I started going on road trips last year (with his new job, he drives a lot and before I started school, I went with him sometimes twice a month), we listened to Dave Ramsey all the time on the radio. He has such good advice, and we’re so excited and motivated to work his plan.
So far we’ve cut out three debts, with only a few small ones (+mortgage) left. We’re so hyped, that once we get my car paid off, we’re only ever buying cars with cash. I guess that sounds silly, but I think it is very exciting. Things are only going to get better once my paperwork comes through and I’m allowed to work in Canada.
But, like you guys…throwing a baby into the mix will take its financial toll on us. I guess that means we are gonna wait. Darn.
Hilary
I knew I liked you for a reason!! My mom LOVES Dave Ramsey and constantly gives me his books to read. I just wanted to say that my husband and I are both teachers and being in Central Massachusetts, we also pay $250 a week for daycare so you’re not alone. When we decided to have our daughter, I was so terrified about our financial situation. We also have two cars (but luckily our Toyotas are both paid for) and a mortgage on a modest townhouse. I kept thinking, “We’re going to have to pay at least $10,000 this year in daycare. Neither of us is getting a $10,000 raise. Where will the money come from?” The truth is, you’ll have it. That sounds crazy, but it’s true. You keep trusting God and keeping a careful eye on what you spend, and you’re gonna be shocked at how little that baby is going to effect your bank accounts – at least for now. The hubby and I certainly can’t save as much as we used to, but that extra $1,000 a month was not the ruin of us and to be honest, I hardly notice it. Best wishes!
middlechildadvice
That’s some smart advice…too bad I don’t like to read. Maybe I should dust off my reading glasses anyways and pull that one out. Sounds like something I could use!
Heather
I’m an expert in this arena. When number five was on the way I worried every day. I thought we were toast. And I have to laugh, we are in worse times now and he is just fine! We had it good back then! But the thing with babes is that you just adjust, most of their expenses just sort of creep into your budget and the frivolous don’t seem so important anymore. The daycare will be kind of tough, but you at least know it going in!
That book you talk of I have never heard of but I have learned that he is right. I tend to focus way less on material things now than when I was in my twenties. If you have it fine if you don’t it’s fine too. Most things you just don’t need. Life was really different fifty years ago, and look how happy most of them were! Not much different than now at least.
But listen, don’t lose sleep over it all. It’s not worth it, it can wait. You’re going to be losing sleep soon enough! Good luck!
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Jennifer
Was this the first mention of the name? Michael? My son’s middle name is Michael. Cole Michael- which I usually say “Cole MyCole” always gets a smile out of him.
Kris
Hi there…I found your blog the other day (random, unrelated google search brought it up) and have been going through the archives, starting roughly when you realized your were with Bean.
Anyway.
I am neither pregnant or married (although I will be soon) but I wanted to tell you that this post literally had me crying in my living room, because of hope and reassurance you’ve unwittingly provided.
Thanks.